Death of a Spouse

Widowhood: The TV Reality Series

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Do you ever think that the networks are missing out on the ultimate reality series?  What has more drama, sick humor, running mascara, and (sometimes) hair-pulling than widowhood? When I think of the millions that could have been made on my life in the last few years, it seems like such a waste.  Anyone with a camcorder could have followed me around discreetly as I annoyed family members, shocked random bystanders, and started my own wine bottle recycling program and they would have been set for life.  (If you’re reading this and you’re a producer, shoot me an email.) Forgive […]

Death of a Parent

Is My Widowed Mother ‘Moving On’ Too Soon?

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Question from a Reader:  My dad died 11 months ago at the age of 55. My mom is 50 and looks a bit younger. I know she’s a young woman and has lots of life left in her but she’s got a boyfriend! I cannot understand how she can do this. I told her to do whatever she wanted as I didn’t want to see her lonely but to have some respect for us as we were still mourning our dad. When I talk to her on the phone all she knows how to say is US, WE, ME, and […]

Death of a Spouse

Maintaining Friendships After a Spouse-Loss

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

I’ve been thinking a lot about friendships lately and how they change and I know that’s also on the minds of many of my widow(er) friends out there.  I guess it’s that time of year…when friends and family seem to get together more than usual, so friendships and how they change are pretty much “in your face” right now. This is something I’ve wanted to write for a long time, but I wanted to write it very carefully.  I don’t ever want to come across as someone who doesn’t understand or who dismisses how hard widowhood can be.  Believe me…I’m […]

Death of a Parent, Special Topics, Your Grief

Grieving for Deceased Loved One and Broken Relationship

Monday, June 27, 2011

Grief comes in many forms, including the feelings associated with death,  anticipatory grief, and self–grief.  During the grieving process, we may also mourn for broken family relationships. My brother was five years older than I.  According to my mother, he was so excited to have a baby sister he asked to stay home from kindergarten when I came home from the hospital.  Due to the age difference between us, we didn’t play together that much. Though we shared the same sense of humor, our personalities were very different.  I was the quieter, creative person, whereas he was the boisterous, loud […]

Death of a Parent

Grieving Mother-Loss Different for Everyone

Sunday, June 26, 2011

“You’re not angry you didn’t spend that time with your mother?” a friend asked me over dinner last night. About six months before my mom died, it was obvious the end was near. In a practical sense, I prepared for my mother’s death. I canceled my study abroad semester in Italy. I acted more responsible in my day-to-day life. In other ways, I didn’t. My mother and I spoke rarely in those last six months. And I only planned a few trips back home. The last thing she ever said to me was, “This isn’t the last time we’ll see […]

Special Topics, Your Grief

Playing Hide-and-Seek with Grief

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Probably all of us are familiar with the childhood game of hide and seek.  Some of us have not only played this game ourselves as children but have gone onto play it with our own children and even grandchildren.  Today, as I thought about my own grief and yours, I was reminded of this game and how many of us still play this in our adult life. When our grief becomes bigger than life and bigger than we can manage, very often, what we do is try to hide from it. We do this in many ways: eating when we […]

Death of a Sibling

Twin who Died in the Womb Became Guardian Angel

Friday, June 24, 2011

Last fall, I gave my writing students a very powerful exercise taken from the work of Deena Metzger. The basic premise was to choose a traumatic incident from our past—one that changed the course of our lives for the worse—a moment when we felt betrayed or abandoned or alone, a moment when an essential part of ourselves went underground. We began by writing the story of that event. The next week, we rewrote it—this time creating a fictional version of the same event in which we inserted a new character—a character who not really there at the time. An ally. […]

Open to Hope

Love of Family, Friends Fill Vacuum Left by Loss

Thursday, June 23, 2011

“Emptiness now fills the spirit of my inner being, The drum beat that has given me life now echoes off of the hollowed walls that once was my heart. My eyes now fill with dust, dried from the many tears that I have dropped upon this earth, only to have been made worse by the dust of the many friends and family who have left this world before me. A question now fills my broken heart: Was I able to help them keep their unknown promise?” (Our Sacred Journeys) Over the many years of my life, I have been exposed […]

Death of a Child

Hospice Comforted During the Worst of Times

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

We’ve just bought a brand spanking new bedroom setting. Its towering wooden bed head makes me feel so tiny…but like a Princess! Anyway, yesterday, while clearing the space for our new bed, I found hidden under the old bed, a book.  A very very special book. I held it in my hands like a newborn…..and I considered not opening it because what’s on the pages makes me cry. But I had to as the written memories inside are a treasure trove for my soul. The book is from Hospice, from the saintly staff that cared for Savannah in her final months. […]

Special Topics, Your Grief

Not Everyone Benefits from Graveside Visits

Monday, June 20, 2011

  Many years ago, when I was in first grade, my parents and I visited an inner city grave.  It was my brother’s grave, a brother I never knew because he was a premature twin and died two days after he was born.  The other twin survived and I grew up with a brother. While we were walking in the cemetery, I saw two people, obviously mother and daughter, approach a new site.  The mother looked at the grave stone and burst into tears.  Her crying became wailing and her wailing became keening. Young as I was, I recognized the […]