Open to Hope

Father’s Death Helps Woman Find God and Vocation

Sunday, July 31, 2011

I am the Palliative Care Chaplain and Bereavement Coordinator for The University of North Carolina Hospitals in Chapel Hill, North Carolina. My interest in working with the dying and bereaved began with my own father’s illness and death in 1994. My story is one of transformation, when for the first time God’s presence was palpable. God found me on my way to visit my ill father. A strange and holy presence arrived in my Honda that afternoon and stayed right beside me. Besides feeling this presence, I also experienced multiple synchronistic events through friends, music and books. Someone was directing […]

Special Topics

Mass Murder in Norway Triggers Anticipatory Grief

Saturday, July 30, 2011

The recent murders of innocent children and adults in Oslo, Norway, are a national tragedy.  Like September 11th, this tragedy causes anticipatory grief.  Usually we associate anticipatory grief with the failing health of a family member, friend, or pet.  But anticipatory grief can affect an entire population. Anticipatory grief is a feeling of loss before a death or dreaded event occurs.  With mass murder and terrorism, the survivors worry about both – more attacks and more deaths.  Some survivors may think their anxiety stems from excessive news coverage when they are actually experiencing the symptoms of anticipatory grief. Some grief […]

Death of a Child

Forgiving Killers is a Process

Friday, July 29, 2011

They were just faces to me. I wouldn’t make eye contact. Instead I focused on their clothes . . . grey-white sweatshirts, denim shirts, jeans, white sneakers. They didn’t look like inmates, more like janitors to me. I was invited to the medium-security facility in a program of restorative justice sponsored by the University of Minnesota. I was one of two victims ―or are we survivors― of homicide who were invited to meet with four perpetrators serving long sentences for homicides. It was not a match―I was not facing “our” perpetrator.  I would not have been willing to meet the […]

Your Grief

Compassion is Most Important Value for Helping Others

Thursday, July 28, 2011

I recently attended the 33rd conference of ADEC (The Thanatology Association), which this year was combined with the International Conference on Grief and Bereavement in Contemporary Society. The conference was held in my hometown of Miami, Florida. The information and education I received throughout the week was just wonderful. I attended many workshops and confirmed that the most meaningful value a person can possess when helping others in their grieving process is compassion. Compassion is to understand the worldview of the other person at a soul level, leaving aside personal agendas. It is being present without judgment or expectations. Compassion […]

Death of a Spouse

Faded Images, Sacred Days

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

  As I look around me today, I see my life in all its colors.   But, there seems to be a film noir running in the background of my mind, and I hear a faint clickity-clack as the movie reel turns. Some familiar scene, object or event triggers my memory to push forward – out of storage.  Sometimes the faded image comes with a gentle nudge; sometimes it is like an electrical current that lights up the sky. The moment passes almost too quickly for me to make sense of it – like a fleeting dream you struggle to recall. […]

Other Losses, Your Grief

Even mass tragedy should be personal

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

In recent months I’ve watched tragedy unfold far away from me, in places like Norway and Japan, and very close to me in my home state of Alabama. As I watched the loss of life, I revisited my own personal loss and the way I view the loss of people I don’t even know. I feel great empathy for the people that are dealing with the loss of loved ones in the wake of the attack on Norway, the tsunami in Japan and the tragic loss of life during the April 27 tornado outbreak that killed many near my home. […]

Death of a Spouse

Tune Out Those Who Don’t Know How to Help

  While chatting with a new acquaintance seated beside me at a dinner party, I learned her adult son died one year ago. Knowing what a terrible loss that is, and understanding that most people never recover from it, I said, “I’m so sorry. There is really nothing anyone can say to make you feel better, but please know I am very, very sorry for your loss.” She thanked me, then quietly asked when and how my husband died. I told her he died three years ago from Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis, a disease of unknown cause with no treatment or cure. She immediately retorted, “Why didn’t […]

Death of a Child

Years After Child-Loss, Mother Still Grieves, but ‘Moves Forward’

Monday, July 25, 2011

Time. It is not always on our side, especially in the grieving process. Since losing my son eight years ago, I’ve heard many well-meaning folks tell me how much “time” I should be taking to heal. One month? Absurd. One year? A common marker, but certainly not common for everyone. We are told, “It’s time to move on. Time to get over this. Time to get back to life.” How much time is enough time to “get over” death? And can we ever “get over” something as life-altering as the death of our child? If you’re reading this, chances are […]

Death of a Sibling, Your Grief

The Three Ds of Dealing with Grief

Sunday, July 24, 2011

It will soon be two years since my dear sister was murdered.  Two years. Sometimes it seems like forever, yet most days, it seems like only yesterday.    Over the last two years, I have worked very hard on myself.  I have learned patience. I have learned to really not sweat the small stuff.  I have learned to let go of things I cannot control.  I have learned to make changes, healthy changes for myself.  It is a process, a journey that we travel after losing a loved one.   It took me some time, but the first thing I […]

Your Grief

Coping with Anxiety in Grief

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Question from a reader: I was wondering if anyone else has experienced panic attacks following the death of a loved one? My mom passed away just over a year ago, and I’ve found that since then I have become prone to getting significant anxiety/panic attacks. I’ve always been a bit of an anxious person, but I never experienced any severe attacks until after my mom’s death. These attacks occur intermittently and most often happen while I’m trying to sleep. I’m home from work today because I had one last night, I didn’t get to sleep until around 3-4am, so I […]