Death of a Child, Your Grief

Does Staying Busy Get You Through Grief or Lead to Avoidance?

Friday, June 29, 2012

Several days after my daughter died from the injuries she received in a car crash, I received call from a friend. She told me her son had died in a car crash when he was 17 years old, something I didn’t know. Her call and advice to “stay busy” touched my heart. Since I had experienced loss before, I understood the advice, but it makes grief counselors cringe. Becoming too busy can turn into grief avoidance. When my friend called I had no inkling that two more family members would die. I didn’t know I would find a way to […]

Death of a Sibling, Your Grief

The Bereavement Process for Twinless Twins

When we lose a twin, it feels for many of us like the literal end of our lives. That is true, in that it is the end of life as we have known it since the moment of our conception. As one twin explained to me: “The day my twin died, the lights went out.” Another twin said to me, “After Daphne died, it was as if I couldn’t breathe. I’d never in my life thought about breathing. I just took it for granted that Daphne and my breath were part of being alive.” When our twin dies, we must […]

Other Losses

Choosing to Say Goodbye

There’s a time when you have to say goodbye, and a time when you choose to say goodbye. For the first time, I chose to say goodbye to my friend Curtis today. I had to say goodbye when he was ripped away from me in a car accident thirty years ago. And all this time I’ve been resenting that accident. But recently the song, “Freebird”* by Lynryd Skynyrd has kept echoing in my head. If I heard it on the radio, I would listen for its entirety. I would pull off the road to listen to it. I couldn’t get […]

Death of a Grandparent

Losing a Grandparent, Recalling Her Wisdom

It seems like I haven’t written in forever.  So much has happened in my world and in our world, I hardly know where to begin.  So, I’ll start with me, because it is all about me after all. My favorite grandma, Marcella, made her transition a couple of years ago (for those of you who don’t speak “metaphysics,” transition means died). She was ninety-four, so it’s not like it wasn’t expected, but it totally caught me by surprise.  There is something so final about death that even when you know it’s coming, somehow it still blind-sides you. My sorrow temporarily […]

Death of a Child

Grief is Feeling Alone in Your Own Skin

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Grief is one of the loneliest places in the world. When my son died, I felt every connection I had ever had was gone. I felt invisible even to myself. When I looked in the mirror, I was surprised to see my reflection staring back at me. I was surprised there was enough life in me to generate a reflection. Somehow I thought my face would be gone, just like my identity. In one life altering moment, every thing I had ever known or thought I knew was either unrecognizable or gone. My son had died and left no forwarding […]

Death of a Child, Your Grief

The Importance of Consistency in Grief

  During the past 27 years, I have worked with chemically dependent clients who functioned exclusively in chaos because that is what they knew.  I can also  proudly say that I have witnessed the success stories of many chemically dependent clients who embraced recovery, because they made a conscious choice to detach themselves from a lifestyle of chaos. Challenges-A Part of Life Individuals who come from less dysfunctional circumstances are not immune to experiencing chaos or uncertainty in their lives. After all, life is full of challenges that test the resolve of the human spirit.  Life isn’t meant to be […]

Death of a Child, Your Grief

One Step to Healing: Write a Letter to Your Loved One

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

When the life of a loved one is cut short, we’re left with a void. We still had things to say and things to do. We still have a voice, but the hearer is gone. Putting our feelings into words can be therapeutic. The act of writing them invites our mind to sort and process our emotions. It gives us release. So, no matter where you are in the journey of grief, I encourage you to write a letter to your loved one. It can be short or long. A one-time note or a series. No rules. Just write. Here’s […]

Death of a Parent, Your Grief

Three Grief Lessons from ‘Incredibly Loud and Extremely Close’

When I saw Stephen Daltry’s “Incredibly Loud and Extremely Close,” I cried three times. The first time, it was the mere idea of a boy losing his father who he loved so much at age 9. The second time, I temporarily morphed into the character and adopted his struggle to understand life’s cruel injustices like 9/11 and the fractured families left behind. The protagonist’s approachability embodied a question we all encounter, “What now?” The third time, the tears were happy. I was overcome by the collective selflessness on screen. The film, adapted from the best-selling book, which was nominated for […]

Children & Teens, Death of a Spouse, Special Topics

Thanks to the Men who Help Kids After Father Loss

When my husband died, I knew it would be important to my boys to have men around and in their lives. Since they would no longer have their trail guide, it was up to me to make sure men of good character, who were loving, compassionate and wise were a part of their lives. I can’t imagine a boy growing up without his dad. I live it every day though. My dad grew up without his dad, so I knew it was possible for them, but also knew they would need some extra loving care. Cue – my brothers – […]

Death of a Sibling

Grief Can Surface Years After a Loss

Monday, June 18, 2012

Denial of grief is common and misunderstood. Grief can wait in the wings for a time to surface, when you are better prepared to absorb its lessons. It can be triggered by other losses. Left undone, grief can wreak havoc with your ability to enjoy life and feel positive emotions. Grief has no time frame. It can be postponed, but never put away. My identical twin sister Paula Pountney died unexpectedly as her small plane crashed into the Atlantic Ocean one Thanksgiving night. We were 21 years old. With the same genes and a shared history, we functioned as a […]