By Marty Tousley, CNS-BC, FT –
If you have access to a computer with an Internet connection, you have at your fingertips a wealth of grief information, comfort and support. The Open to Hope Web site offers an extensive array of resources.
Other Web sites offer online chat rooms, discussion forums and message boards, where you can join a virtual support group, connecting with and sharing your experiences with others whose losses are similar to your own. The online Grief Healing Discussion Groups that I monitor and moderate for Hospice of the Valley is an example of such a site.
Selecting from over a dozen individual forums, mourners with similar losses can network, mourn together and support one another in their own safe, healing place. Forums range from general issues of bereavement to specific types of loss, including that of a spouse or partner, a parent, child, or sibling, and even a cherished pet. Bereaved teens have their own separate forum where they can gather and communicate with one another.
The service is available to everyone at no cost, at any hour of the day or night, seven days a week. It is safe and confidential; membership is free and simply requires registration with a unique user name and secret password of one’s own choosing. Forums are moderated by professional bereavement counselors, and individual messages are monitored for appropriateness.
Members participate when they wish and are able to, not at a set time, which can be an advantage for those whose schedules won’t permit their attending an in-person support group. Participation can be especially helpful on anniversary dates, celebration days and holidays.
When one member posts a message, anyone can respond with love and caring to the thoughts and feelings of an individual, and other readers can benefit from the information shared. Whether reading or posting and responding to messages, participants come to a greater understanding of each other’s grief and loss, as everyone becomes more caring, accepting and tolerant of one another.
One benefit is that those members who post have an ongoing, written record of all the responses they’ve received, as well as access to all the other messages and responses posted on the site. By comparing more recent posts with older ones, individuals can track their own progress over time. New members witness the growth and positive transformation that occurs among more seasoned members, which gives them hope for their own future.
In addition, such a service:
Enables you to be interactive at a time when it is difficult to interact in normally social ways.
Allows you to express feelings, ask questions and get responses in a reasonable amount of time, usually within a matter of hours.
Gives you practical information about the grieving process in general.
Enables greater understanding of your own reactions to a particular loss.
Assists in resolution of your grief.
Enables sharing of your experiences and discussion of your feelings, without fear of being judged.
Reassures you that what you’re going through is normal, that you are not alone, and that other mourners know your pain, even if friends and family do not understand.
Offers nourishment and protection in a safe environment that awakens the natural healing process.
Informs, directs, and gives you access to other valuable resources, links to grief-related articles, stories, poems, inspirational writings, pamphlets, magazines, books, videos, sites, centers, organizations, remembrance pages and memorial sites.
Provides information to help you be more supportive of friends, neighbors, family members and others who are also in mourning.
Before you decide to participate in any online grief forum or message board, you are wise to consider these precautions:
Investigate before you participate. Notice whether the service is sponsored by a reputable organization, and learn whether the moderators are qualified to offer information and support.
Read about the moderators to learn about their background, education, and training. Make sure they have experience in facilitating groups and knowledge about the normal grief process. Read some posts written by the moderators to get a sense of their approach to grieving people.
Make certain that the group or forum you select is made up of mourners with whom you can identify. Read some of the posts in a give forum to decide if you can relate to the people gathered there.
Look for a statement of the group’s purpose and its “ground rules.” These should appear on the site’s main (or “home”) page.
Look for an option that enables you to report to the moderator(s) any post that you find objectionable.
Use your own good judgment and common sense. If something doesn’t feel right, if you don’t feel safe, accepted or understood, trust your instincts, leave immediately and find another group.
© by Marty Tousley, CNS-BC, FT
Reach Marty through her websites, http://www.griefhealing.com or http://www.hovforum.ipbhost.com
Hello. 8 years ago, I was in a marriage that was unbalanced but not altogether unhappy. Years later, although I know it wasn’t all me, I also see that I was sometimes selfish and badly behaved. Spoiled and inconsiderate even. I left my husband for another man. I didn’t have an affair with him while my ex-husband and I were together but, nonetheless, it wasn’t good behaviour. I moved in with the other man, in another city. We fought a lot, he had a bad temper and did and said some things to me that were so unkind and hurtful that I will probably never be the same person again. Things weren’t so great and honestly, I felt that I probably deserved to feel this pain for taking my ex for granted and tossing him aside. Things were just starting to get better for my current partner and I when my ex-husband was killed in an accident. That was a year ago and to this day, I am a complete mess. I fight back tears at least 10 times a day. I can’t listen to music because so much of it makes me fall apart. I can’t seem to remember how unfulfilled and miserable I was when we were married. Only how much I wish I’d never left. I feel like he’d still be alive if we’d stayed together because circumstances would have prevented the accident (as a secular humanist, I don’t belieive in “meant to happen”). I miss him (and his family) so much but I feel like all the guilt and regret and self-loathing are complicating any chance I have of separating those emotions from the normal progression of the grieving process. It seems crazy to be in the depths of such an inescapably deep pit of depression over an ex that I hadn’t even seen in the 7 years before he died. I’m on the edge of falling apart all the time and I don’t know what to do.
Hello to All:
I want to let everyone know about our Grief Support Services On-line.
“Losing Our Parents” is an Internet-based registered charity that offers free support and education to people who are dealing with the declining health or death of a parent.
We offer both peer support and have just launched a “Network of Experts”. Everyone involved in our charity has either lost a parent, or is dealing with their declining health. We are all volunteers, just trying to help. Please drop by for a visit at:
http://www.losingourparents.com
Hello,
Thank you Marty for your very important article. Online support has become very important for people struggling with grief and daily coping while seeking a path to sustained acceptance and healing.
I also appreciate Mary Bart’s comments about their site offering a “network of experts,” because that is truly what we all are. There is no greater expert related to loss than those who have lost loved ones and experience grief and the struggle to cope, firsthand.
As a grief counselor and founder of the Peer Support Network at MyGriefSpace.net, I strongly advocate pooling helpful grief resources to offer those in grief the greatest number of places to receive support possible, both online and off.
I’m looking for a grief group specific to the loss of a sibling. Any suggestions?
Carrie, dear, forgive me, but I did not see your post until now. If you’ll visit the Death of a Sibling or Twin page of my Grief Healing Web site, you’ll find links to a number of resources that I hope you’ll find helpful: http://www.griefhealing.com/death-of-a-sibling-or-twin.htm