The emotions I felt were mirrored in other twinless twins I met. Just listening, for the first time, to other twins tell their story of loss and what it meant for them to lose their twin had an impact I will never forget. It was a huge gift in my life.
It has been my personal experience that twinloss was echoed in my other losses. As I experienced the death of my mother, I longed for my twin Paula and what we shared. It always came back to an unfinished grief, one I was incapable of comprehending when it happened. My twin lost her life in a small plane crash when we were 21 years old. At an age of vulnerability and invincibility, I shut down when Paula died. It was too much for me to handle. I ran from my grief, only to have it resurface years later. It was frozen in time, waiting for me to thaw. It was a defining moment, to feel understood in my grief as a twin.
The Twinless Twins Support Group International (TTSGI) provides a community of other twins who acknowledge each other’s feelings of loss from the death or removal of their twin. This emotional validation has been a healing force for many since 1986. Other twinless twins provide a safe environment to explore our twinships and heal from a devastating loss.
Instrumental in the healing of thousands of twin, TTSGI serves an audience of increasing numbers. The twinning rate has grown since 1986. Unfortunately an ever-increasing number of twins will search for the tools to grief for their other half, and learn to live without their twin.
Throughout the year, a supportive network of twins exists to help each other. Annual conferences provide additional resources and tools, on a larger scale. It is vital to work through the pain of any loss. Accompanying twinloss is an intense feeling of aloneness. Being in community with other twinless twins who offer support eases this burden.
After the death of one’s twin, it is common for the surviving twin to feel totally alone for the first time in their life. Feeling misunderstood by the majority of people, who are not twins, their isolation is magnified.
Twins are actually born into a relationship with another person, similar to a marriage. Who else is born already in a relationship? Considering this, imagine the shock at losing something, which cannot be replaced, your twin, when all you have ever known is your identity as a twin. A twin’s identity starts before they are born, as they learn to navigate their environment with another person, their co-twin. The time spent in the womb for nine months contributes to one of the deepest bonds studied between two people, the twin bond.
Mysterious to non-twins, magical and envied by some, twins enjoy an attachment to another person; a bond exits between two twins, like no other. This bond is as unique as the pair of twins. Each twin’s loss is as unique as the twin relationship they enjoyed in life. Twinship does not end with death. A “lone twin” is still a twin. A gift from birth cannot be taken away.
It is not necessary for a twinless twin to learn to act as a non-twin, a singleton. “Once a twin, always a twin,” in the words of Dr. Raymond Brandt, the founder of TTSGI. This sentence rings true for many multiples who survive the loss of their other half. Embracing one’s twinship, and moving forward in life, understanding your twin nature and roots, brings comfort and peace. Our twins are close in spirit, and a huge part of who we are today.
It is much like losing a child. We have lost a piece of ourself, our twin. Many of us do not feel whole without our twin. We never “get over” a loss of this magnitude, but we learn to live with it, grow from it, and ultimately live a full life. To get our life back does not mean we are the same…we are different. This is the way it should be.
I will never stop talking about my twin.
May 2nd, 2010 at 4:51 am
I lost my twin sister Janelle in 1994 to Lakeumia, she was 32 years old and to this day i miss her dearly. I oftern wander what she would now look like and how proud she would be of her beautiful daughter Jacqueline. Her son was electocuted at work 9 years after her death and I guess thats when I started to accept her passing… i thought then she was meant to go earlier to greet her only son no mother likes to outlive her child. I think of her all the time, I miss her laugh,her innocence,her gentle nature and the way she mothered me even though I was the oder twin. I wander how different our lives would be if she were still with us but I have her in my heart and know one day we will will laught together again.Love you always lellybell
May 7th, 2010 at 7:50 am
Dear Jennifer,
Being born a twin offers us a built-in partner in life… we grow up together and face the same things, and conquer them together. Offering a “united front” to the world sets us up for a fall when our twin is no longer part of who we are. I am so sorry for the multiple losses you have experienced. Losing your twin’s son must have triggered grief for your twin Janelle also.
In this journey through the grief of losing my twin it has been my experience that another loss offers the opportunity to grieve for my twin. There have been times when I have thought, “enough is enough”!
I have learned that the very nature of grief is that it needs to be felt. At first I ran from the pain. Nobody likes to be consumed with feelings of loss and they tend to diminish a person. To be able to live my life and enjoy a full life I have had to open myself up to grief and feel every inch of it. It seems that if you surrender to it, let it wash over you, become the grief; you end up with the love in your heart, as you describe.
Our twinship contains the strong twin bond, but every twinship has different dynamics. By their nature they reflect each of the co-twins and the way we have developed together. You mention how Janelle mothered you… that touched my heart. Isn’t it true that as women we need mothering too… how appropriate as we come upon Mothers Day.
Thank you for writing.
In twinship,
Linda Pountney
July 24th, 2010 at 11:05 pm
I am 69 years old and my twin brother died unexpectedly on May 17, 2010. I am devastated; he went to the hospital for a kidney removal due to cancer, the surgery was a success, he was doing fine his other kidney had begun to work great. He got infection in his bowel area and within 24 hours died. We were brother and sister twins. He always introduced me as his “twin sister” and we were very close. I’m usually a strong person, but I’m not dealing with this very well. I feel very sad and lonely, even though both of us have families of our own. I have another sister and a brother and feel so guilty about the feelings I have of loosing my twin brother. Our 70th birthday will be in October and I’m not looking forward to that birtday. It will be the first we have been apart. I lost my mom and dad but did not feel as heart broken as I have in loosing my beloved brother. It’s very difficult for me to say that “he is gone”. I have strong faith in God and knows he helps us in our grieving, but I’m not feeling the consolation I need to feel right now even in my faith. I know this will sound confusing, but I am confused. How can you love someone soooo much? My heart actually hurts from the longing of just to see him again.
July 27th, 2010 at 10:21 am
Dear Marilyn
Your heart is broken and it can be difficult to keep the same level of faith when experiencing such a deep and profound loss. I can tell you that it was that way for me also.
The relationship you enjoyed with your twin brother is different and unique. Our twins are such an integral part of who we are. The twinlesstwins.org link can offer you other twins to communicate with which can aid healing. It helped me.
Be good to yourself and give yourself the time to grieve without feeling guilt.
in twinship,
Linda
November 17th, 2010 at 9:52 am
I lost my identical twin August 12, 2010. I hea…rt in broken and I have not found the surface…how will I ever.
November 23rd, 2010 at 5:32 pm
My good friend lost her twin sister in a tragic accident. They are 29 yrs. old. I am trying to help her in any way I can. Can you please give me suggestions? I want her to visit this site and relate with others who have also suffered this loss. The accident happened about 2 months ago and she is devastated.
November 23rd, 2010 at 10:32 pm
Hi Sandy,
So great a friend you are. The best thing you can do for someone so newly breaved is to just be there for her. She may not be ready to reach out yet. There are amazing groups like Twin Less Twins that when she is ready could be very helpful. One thing I always have to remember is not to want more for others than they want for themselves. As I said 2 months is very brief. Take care of yourself as well as her.
February 13th, 2011 at 1:15 pm
I’m Jenica and I am a twinless twin. I lost my twin brother in the womb. I am eighteen and just now coming to realization with it. I now notice all these small things that I did my whole life and didn’t know why. I am trying to cope with the fact I had a twin. He didn’t get to live.
June 9th, 2011 at 6:17 pm
I lost my dear twin sister, zanna, on Feb. 21, 2011. She was my best friend, confident, advisor, soul sister. I am lost without her. I have a family to take care of and it is extremely difficult. I am on autopilot at work. the grief is tremendous. I know she lived a life haunted by bipolar disorder and is in a better place, but I miss her so and don’t know what to do without her.
September 5th, 2011 at 1:25 pm
My identical twin sister died on July 17th 1997 at the age of 4 to kidney diease. It’s hard when no one understands how you can grieve so much for someone you knew at a time you were too young to remember. But I always remember her being there and will never get over the hole left in my heart.
September 17th, 2011 at 12:50 pm
i lost my identical twin suddenly last week. no one understands.
October 4th, 2011 at 12:46 pm
I lost my twin sister on March 10, 2008 and I am still having a hard time living without her. We got to celebrate our 50th birthday before she passed away from Mesothelioma. She suffered with this disease for several months before she was diagnosed. She went to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota where they discovered what was wrong with her. She was given 6 months to live. We had to stay strong for her and her children, so I never got to tell her good bye or talk to her about what she wanted me to do. I will miss her for the rest of my life. I work at a funeral home so you would think that I would be use to the dying process but with my twin I just can’t move forward.
October 26th, 2011 at 11:16 am
I lost my twin brother this year 10-08-2011. I can’t take it in. I can’t control my emotions and I feel an ultimate loss for life. He left me his dreams in which I hope to make come true to open a pizzeria for his daughter Melia. But I always thought of him as my better half. And I feel like no one understands. Were 26, we were suppose to go try out for real world. I can’t imagine doing anything with out him. But I guess I have to and it’s really sad. He’ll always be in my heart but I want him to be right here. Hopefully things will get better soon. And I’ve already seen signs his spirits still here. And that he is an angel. But I’m scared. Scared one day those signs will stop and I will be alone. When I already feel alone. I hate it.
January 15th, 2012 at 3:53 pm
Hi everyone,
I just found this site and this article written by Linda. I lost my twin brother Michael shortly after we were born. I have felt a sense of loss my whole life. I am now 30 and after watching an Unsolved Mysteries clip that Elvis Presley was a twin less twin, I realized what I have been feeling. I know Michael is always with me, an angel looking down on me. As a result of our birth I am visually impaired. totally blind. But I feel a strong connection with my brother.
Allison
January 20th, 2012 at 8:27 pm
I lost my twin 3 months after we were born. I am only 17 years old and I am getting ready to graduate without her. I feel this major hole where she should be. It makes me sad because I feel like no one that I talk to can know what I am going through because they haven’t felt the loss of a twin. I feel like I have a connection with her at times that I cannot explain; I only wish I knew how to make that connection stronger.. I want to know how to cope without her being here throughout these major times in my life..It should be OUR life.