The emotions I felt were mirrored in other twinless twins I met. Just listening, for the first time, to other twins tell their story of loss and what it meant for them to lose their twin had an impact I will never forget. It was a huge gift in my life.
It has been my personal experience that twinloss was echoed in my other losses. As I experienced the death of my mother, I longed for my twin Paula and what we shared. It always came back to an unfinished grief, one I was incapable of comprehending when it happened. My twin lost her life in a small plane crash when we were 21 years old. At an age of vulnerability and invincibility, I shut down when Paula died. It was too much for me to handle. I ran from my grief, only to have it resurface years later. It was frozen in time, waiting for me to thaw. It was a defining moment, to feel understood in my grief as a twin.
The Twinless Twins Support Group International (TTSGI) provides a community of other twins who acknowledge each other’s feelings of loss from the death or removal of their twin. This emotional validation has been a healing force for many since 1986. Other twinless twins provide a safe environment to explore our twinships and heal from a devastating loss.
Instrumental in the healing of thousands of twin, TTSGI serves an audience of increasing numbers. The twinning rate has grown since 1986. Unfortunately an ever-increasing number of twins will search for the tools to grief for their other half, and learn to live without their twin.
Throughout the year, a supportive network of twins exists to help each other. Annual conferences provide additional resources and tools, on a larger scale. It is vital to work through the pain of any loss. Accompanying twinloss is an intense feeling of aloneness. Being in community with other twinless twins who offer support eases this burden.
After the death of one’s twin, it is common for the surviving twin to feel totally alone for the first time in their life. Feeling misunderstood by the majority of people, who are not twins, their isolation is magnified.
Twins are actually born into a relationship with another person, similar to a marriage. Who else is born already in a relationship? Considering this, imagine the shock at losing something, which cannot be replaced, your twin, when all you have ever known is your identity as a twin. A twin’s identity starts before they are born, as they learn to navigate their environment with another person, their co-twin. The time spent in the womb for nine months contributes to one of the deepest bonds studied between two people, the twin bond.
Mysterious to non-twins, magical and envied by some, twins enjoy an attachment to another person; a bond exits between two twins, like no other. This bond is as unique as the pair of twins. Each twin’s loss is as unique as the twin relationship they enjoyed in life. Twinship does not end with death. A “lone twin” is still a twin. A gift from birth cannot be taken away.
It is not necessary for a twinless twin to learn to act as a non-twin, a singleton. “Once a twin, always a twin,” in the words of Dr. Raymond Brandt, the founder of TTSGI. This sentence rings true for many multiples who survive the loss of their other half. Embracing one’s twinship, and moving forward in life, understanding your twin nature and roots, brings comfort and peace. Our twins are close in spirit, and a huge part of who we are today.
It is much like losing a child. We have lost a piece of ourself, our twin. Many of us do not feel whole without our twin. We never “get over” a loss of this magnitude, but we learn to live with it, grow from it, and ultimately live a full life. To get our life back does not mean we are the same…we are different. This is the way it should be.
I will never stop talking about my twin.
I lost my twin sister Janelle in 1994 to Lakeumia, she was 32 years old and to this day i miss her dearly. I oftern wander what she would now look like and how proud she would be of her beautiful daughter Jacqueline. Her son was electocuted at work 9 years after her death and I guess thats when I started to accept her passing… i thought then she was meant to go earlier to greet her only son no mother likes to outlive her child. I think of her all the time, I miss her laugh,her innocence,her gentle nature and the way she mothered me even though I was the oder twin. I wander how different our lives would be if she were still with us but I have her in my heart and know one day we will will laught together again.Love you always lellybell
Dear Jennifer,
Being born a twin offers us a built-in partner in life… we grow up together and face the same things, and conquer them together. Offering a “united front” to the world sets us up for a fall when our twin is no longer part of who we are. I am so sorry for the multiple losses you have experienced. Losing your twin’s son must have triggered grief for your twin Janelle also.
In this journey through the grief of losing my twin it has been my experience that another loss offers the opportunity to grieve for my twin. There have been times when I have thought, “enough is enough”!
I have learned that the very nature of grief is that it needs to be felt. At first I ran from the pain. Nobody likes to be consumed with feelings of loss and they tend to diminish a person. To be able to live my life and enjoy a full life I have had to open myself up to grief and feel every inch of it. It seems that if you surrender to it, let it wash over you, become the grief; you end up with the love in your heart, as you describe.
Our twinship contains the strong twin bond, but every twinship has different dynamics. By their nature they reflect each of the co-twins and the way we have developed together. You mention how Janelle mothered you… that touched my heart. Isn’t it true that as women we need mothering too… how appropriate as we come upon Mothers Day.
Thank you for writing.
In twinship,
Linda Pountney
I am 69 years old and my twin brother died unexpectedly on May 17, 2010. I am devastated; he went to the hospital for a kidney removal due to cancer, the surgery was a success, he was doing fine his other kidney had begun to work great. He got infection in his bowel area and within 24 hours died. We were brother and sister twins. He always introduced me as his “twin sister” and we were very close. I’m usually a strong person, but I’m not dealing with this very well. I feel very sad and lonely, even though both of us have families of our own. I have another sister and a brother and feel so guilty about the feelings I have of loosing my twin brother. Our 70th birthday will be in October and I’m not looking forward to that birtday. It will be the first we have been apart. I lost my mom and dad but did not feel as heart broken as I have in loosing my beloved brother. It’s very difficult for me to say that “he is gone”. I have strong faith in God and knows he helps us in our grieving, but I’m not feeling the consolation I need to feel right now even in my faith. I know this will sound confusing, but I am confused. How can you love someone soooo much? My heart actually hurts from the longing of just to see him again.
Dear Marilyn
Your heart is broken and it can be difficult to keep the same level of faith when experiencing such a deep and profound loss. I can tell you that it was that way for me also.
The relationship you enjoyed with your twin brother is different and unique. Our twins are such an integral part of who we are. The twinlesstwins.org link can offer you other twins to communicate with which can aid healing. It helped me.
Be good to yourself and give yourself the time to grieve without feeling guilt.
in twinship,
Linda
I lost my identical twin August 12, 2010. I hea…rt in broken and I have not found the surface…how will I ever.
My good friend lost her twin sister in a tragic accident. They are 29 yrs. old. I am trying to help her in any way I can. Can you please give me suggestions? I want her to visit this site and relate with others who have also suffered this loss. The accident happened about 2 months ago and she is devastated.
Hi Sandy,
So great a friend you are. The best thing you can do for someone so newly breaved is to just be there for her. She may not be ready to reach out yet. There are amazing groups like Twin Less Twins that when she is ready could be very helpful. One thing I always have to remember is not to want more for others than they want for themselves. As I said 2 months is very brief. Take care of yourself as well as her.
I’m Jenica and I am a twinless twin. I lost my twin brother in the womb. I am eighteen and just now coming to realization with it. I now notice all these small things that I did my whole life and didn’t know why. I am trying to cope with the fact I had a twin. He didn’t get to live.
I lost my dear twin sister, zanna, on Feb. 21, 2011. She was my best friend, confident, advisor, soul sister. I am lost without her. I have a family to take care of and it is extremely difficult. I am on autopilot at work. the grief is tremendous. I know she lived a life haunted by bipolar disorder and is in a better place, but I miss her so and don’t know what to do without her.
My identical twin sister died on July 17th 1997 at the age of 4 to kidney diease. It’s hard when no one understands how you can grieve so much for someone you knew at a time you were too young to remember. But I always remember her being there and will never get over the hole left in my heart.
i lost my identical twin suddenly last week. no one understands.
I lost my twin sister on March 10, 2008 and I am still having a hard time living without her. We got to celebrate our 50th birthday before she passed away from Mesothelioma. She suffered with this disease for several months before she was diagnosed. She went to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota where they discovered what was wrong with her. She was given 6 months to live. We had to stay strong for her and her children, so I never got to tell her good bye or talk to her about what she wanted me to do. I will miss her for the rest of my life. I work at a funeral home so you would think that I would be use to the dying process but with my twin I just can’t move forward.
I lost my twin brother this year 10-08-2011. I can’t take it in. I can’t control my emotions and I feel an ultimate loss for life. He left me his dreams in which I hope to make come true to open a pizzeria for his daughter Melia. But I always thought of him as my better half. And I feel like no one understands. Were 26, we were suppose to go try out for real world. I can’t imagine doing anything with out him. But I guess I have to and it’s really sad. He’ll always be in my heart but I want him to be right here. Hopefully things will get better soon. And I’ve already seen signs his spirits still here. And that he is an angel. But I’m scared. Scared one day those signs will stop and I will be alone. When I already feel alone. I hate it.
Hi everyone,
I just found this site and this article written by Linda. I lost my twin brother Michael shortly after we were born. I have felt a sense of loss my whole life. I am now 30 and after watching an Unsolved Mysteries clip that Elvis Presley was a twin less twin, I realized what I have been feeling. I know Michael is always with me, an angel looking down on me. As a result of our birth I am visually impaired. totally blind. But I feel a strong connection with my brother.
Allison
I lost my twin 3 months after we were born. I am only 17 years old and I am getting ready to graduate without her. I feel this major hole where she should be. It makes me sad because I feel like no one that I talk to can know what I am going through because they haven’t felt the loss of a twin. I feel like I have a connection with her at times that I cannot explain; I only wish I knew how to make that connection stronger.. I want to know how to cope without her being here throughout these major times in my life..It should be OUR life.
My name is Malia and I 21 years old, my twin sister Brianna (Bree) died 10/8/2011 in a car accident when she came to visit my in another state…. I dont really know how to feel, all I know is I miss her more than I can bare.
I am so sorry to everyone who is feeling this pain.
I lost my twinsister last year to alcoholism I have been in soberiety now for almost 2 years I have read these other losses of twins and I know now I’m really not alone I just wanted to thank all of you for your letters that show me I can go on with the help of understanding people like youraelves thank you again Tammy 2012
I lost my identical twin brother three months ago after he traveled alone by plave from Pennsylvania to Colorado Springs to visit. He had shown signs of declining in health but really declined rapidly while visiting us. We took him to emergency and they ran an MRI revealing a massive cancerous brain tumor. He only had a few weeks to live so my wife and I brought him home with us (Scott’s request) and we took care of him for the 33 days he had left. It was so hard to see him decline but we were privileged to take care of him. I wrote an article called, “DESTINED” if you would like to request it. It’s a “twin” thing and I cannot imagine life very long without him. I feel like just 1/2 a person.
I’m a twinless twin. I lost him when we were 10years old in 1997. I’m now 24. Yes its been 14years and I still cry myself to sleep when I think of him and what happened. When I need some1 to talk to…Its still so hard to accept that he is no more. Went to 2years of therapy but it never helped me. I miss him.
I am not a twin myself but I have a good friend who is,she and her twin sister are both fine however they are not close at all and I find this very sad. They are about to turn 50 and they last talked more than a year ago. I came across this article while looking into how common this is(to not be close as twins)it doesn’t seem common at all….. I wish my friend and her twin could make things right before it is too late! I cannot fully understand the twin relationship or loss that you have all experienced but,please know that my heart goes out to all of you <3 <3 <3 <3
It’s almost 2 years since my husband’s twin brother died. He was 29 and died suddenly of meningitis. Life is definitely not back to normal or good. I don’t know how to help him. While his whole family has had to deal with the loss; I don’t think that they have any idea what he is going through. I used to get along with his parents, but now I feel like they are weirdly ignorant or dismissive of what my husband is going through. I lost a pregnancy last year and between those two things, I’m scared we’ll never get back on track. Its nice to know he’s not alone and I hope that I can convince him to get some support from other twinless twins. He is so lonely and so sad and I feel so helpless and concerned for him.
I lost my twin sister to a horrible car crash on January 27th of this year. She was less than ten miles from home when an old man who was drunk and had Alzheimer ran into her car head on and killed her instantly. She was 21 for barley three months before she was killed, and I still can’t believe that it happened. I want so hard to think that she is just away at school and only a phone call away. I miss her so much and I want her back more than anything in the world. It helps to know that I’m not the only one but nothing can ever replace the place in my life that she held.
My 63 year old twin died by suicide on 1/18/12. To say I am lost is an understatement. She was my life and we vowed to grow old together. Even tho I am married with a wonderful daughter, her loss is devastating and she will never be replaced. I have supporting persons whom I adore, but we were so close as we got older. Everyone should be born with a twin….my best friend in life and hopefully in death.
I lost my twin sister when we were 4 , and now I am 20 and still feeling her beside me , I never forget her even I don’t remember much about her and when I get sad and lonely I feel sick like ” why you left me alone in this cold world ??” I dunno I keep thinking about her I feel like pain in my hurt everytime I think
god made us twins just to make me feel pain , what was his point ??
I am a 23 year old female twinless twin. My twin died before we were born and it has affected every aspect of my life for its entirety. I have, since being told I was a fraternal twin almost 10 years ago, felt that my twin was a boy. I call him Chance, because its my mother’s favorite name for a boy, and what she would have picked for him. I am feminene but have always been ”one of the boys” ever since I was a small child. I never owned a doll in my life, wore a dress 3 times in my life, (I prefer a tux and tie), and never had any interest in making friends with females or been a ”girly girl.” Whenever anyone mentions that I look like a girl but act/dress like a boy, my mother laughs and says, ”Her twin must have been a boy.” It doesn’t even seem viable, in my mind, that my lost twin could have been a girl.. If that makes any sense. I always knew deep down that something was missing, I spent a lot of time in solitude since being around even massive groups of people/friends still left me with that oh-so-familiar empty lonliness.. Although I never met my dear twin in life, the time we did share in our mother’s womb (which is somewhere in my subconcious) will always be the best days of my life and not one day goes by where I don’t think of him and miss him so dearly that it causes an almost unbearablle pain in my chest… I have no one to talk to here at home, which makes things worse. I fear I will suffer the agonizing grief of losing my twin brother Chance in silence, until we are reunited after this half-life I am living now. Thank God for the support of groups like this, for twinless twins like myself, who really have no other way to share their twin’s stories when it seems like no one else in the world understands or even cares… My heart goes out to every twin who has lost their other half…
I lost my Twin brother April 5,2012 . He called me and asked my to come to hospital March 31,2012 I left the next morning we spent the next 4 days together. He told me he wanted to lay in the grass so I found a spot were he was able to get from wheel chair to the grass and we layed there for about 1/2 hr talking and he asked me if I was going to be ok I asked him if he would be.
My brother was in hospital when his girlfriend called me and told me, I taked to him and asked him if he had cancer he told me no. I called him everyday and asked him if he wanted me to this was in Dec he said no. inJan he went home.when he called me
in March I didnt know he had been in hospital for 5 weeks I tryed to call and know answer his girl friend never called to let my familey Know.
April 2 the Drs told me my brother would not make it through the week and I needed to tell my Family .I called my father and sisters.My dad asked my cousion if he could drive him to Va they arrived on are Birthday April 4 around 10pm. My father spent
1 1/2 hrs with him brfore they went to hotel.I sat and held my brothers hand while every one else took a break to get coffee.
I told him it was ok to go I would miss him and I loved him and that grandma and grandpa were waiting for him.My brother told me
when I arrived he didn’t want to die on are Birthday and he didn’t he passed at 12:01 am April.
I know this may sound mixed up it’s the 1st time I have really said much about my brothers passing. I do see a dr once a week to talk about how I feel.I told her my hearts is broken and I feel empty now that I am home I don,t know what to do with myself
I try to go up to the church to say hi to pastor and the boatyard to see my familey I don’t stay long because I don’t want to talk
about my brother everyday.
Thank you for reading
I am 14 years old, turning 15 this year, and it was only weeks ago when I found out that I had an identical twin who is stillborn — and EVERYONE in the family has kept it from me. (I’m the youngest in the family, so everyone in my family should know, including my siblings, who have reached a sufficient age to remember something major, when I was born.) Imagine my horror, shock, grief, anguish, guilt and many other feelings upon knowing the fact that I have a twin.
From young, I was always restless, seeking for someone. I did not know then. I move amongst people of my age group, trying to find someone, but always failing. I couldn’t get well with most people of my age group because of my restlessness too. Everything I do, I do in pairs; for example, when I buy a soft toy, I would want to buy two identical ones, when I draw pictures, I would draw things in pairs etc. And because of how ‘odd’ I was in others’ eyes, my schoolmates in school label me as ‘oddie’ and make fun of me, mocking me as long as there are no adults around, ever since I could remember.
I have a Chinese name, of with the initials are L.J.L. For those that know Chinese, You should know that there are homophones (namely, same character, different pronunciation), and my last character is a homophone. Using the homophone, the initials would be L.J.Y. and this is the name which I think is given to my twin, because my parents had once said that there is a reason why L. is the last character in my name.
I don’t know what I should do, why must they keep this fact from me, why did they?! Don’t they know that I’ve been seeking for my twin unconsciously, for so many years?! Didn’t they notice this?! Or do they not even know about my situation in school, me being called names and being mocked by others?! Don’t they know how lonely and empty I’ve felt, even with all the love and care they’ve showered on me?! Don’t they know that the more love and care they give me, the more guilty I would feel when I realised and found out about this truth, because I would feel guilty that I received all this and my twin had left before she could have felt all these?! I felt like tearing my heart out when I first realised that I had a twin, a stillborn twin! It felt as though I’ve stolen and snatched all the love that belonged to her!
I understand that my parents just wanted to protect me, I understand! But it is more so that I blame them, because who gives them the right to withhold this incident from me?! She is my twin, MY TWIN!!! Don’t they understand the importance of a twin to another?! I’ve lived so many years in wandering, restlessness, even to the point of exile, just because I’m trying to find someone, which is my twin, which i should have known and been told but was not!
And to my twin, I really want to ask. Why did You leave me alone in this world, sister? Why? Don’t stay silent. TELL ME WHY! Do You understand how lonely I’ve felt all these years?! All the nasty comments I’ve faced, just because I’m seeking for someone which I don’t even know is You! Sister, do You know how cruel You are, to leave me alone in this world?! I’ve been seeking, finding, wandering for You! Even without knowing that You have existed before, I’ve looked and searched for You wherever I go! Sister, why, why leave me alone in this world? Do You know how empty I feel, a loss that the people around me are not able to comprehend, and the only one who is able to, which is You, is not beside me, not with me?! I did not even know Your existence until a few weeks ago! Sister! My dear sister!
I apologise if I have been too emotional, but I hope that all of You are able to understand me, for we are all Twinless Twins.
L.J.L.