I met a woman at a book club once and her face revealed her suffering. She shared that her husband had late stage Parkinson’s and she was basically housebound and caring for him 24/7. She looked beyond exhausted.
She also shared that she probably should have left him years ago.
Sometimes we stay–for the kids–for the security.
Because we were too chicken to leave. Now it’s too late. We need to finish what we started.
I’ve lived long enough and have been married long enough to understand how very complicated things get.
My “book club” lady shared she really didn’t love him any more.
He had killed that long ago.
Many times relationships are mangled beyond repair.
Repeated infidelity. Addictions. Isolation and control. Verbal or physical abuse.
There are things we never tell anyone.
I’ve volunteered in shelters, counseled couples, and have found that the deepest hurts usually go unsaid.
***
So why do it? Why care give someone who you simply can’t love any more?
Why stay when you may only have a few years left yourself?
Each person has to figure that out for themselves.
Sometimes it’s not that black and white.
Yes, there are hurts. And no, you don’t feel anything for that person, but you have your reasons. Maybe it’s in part how you need to see yourself.
So you stay.
How do you love someone who has hurt you?
- Don’t try to make yourself love them.
- Don’t feel guilty.
- Don’t try to look noble.
- Do what you can.
- Choose a path of integrity.
- Caregiving isn’t about the person who is ill, aged or infirmed. It’s about you.
- Decide who you want to be, regardless of them.
- Mentally and emotionally separate yourself. You’re still giving them good care.
- Trust your good heart.
- Practicing a faith can bring you deep comfort.
- Know that forgiveness can be as basic as wishing them no harm.
If you choose to stay, then stay on your terms.
It’s okay if you can’t do this–care give full time. You can choose to place them in a care facility. You’re still being responsible. You’re still watching out for them.
You don’t have to humiliate yourself and continue to be demeaned.
They chose their path. You choose yours.
Find your place of peace. Detach when you need to. Methodical caregiving can still be good caregiving.
Begin to nurture yourself. Your dreams.
Reward yourself for what you’ve chosen to do if you believe it’s the right thing to do.
Duty. Responsibility. Integrity.
These are important words our culture has all but forgotten.
Choose a higher path, and sometimes, that higher path is honoring “you.”
~I’m Carol D. O’Dell, the author of Mothering Mother: A Daughter’s Humorous and Heartbreaking Memoir
www.mothering-mother.com
