a hole in my heart

My husband Keith spent 10 months battling cancer. Together we fought it….chemo, radiation and more radiation. He was in so much pain we had to go to hospice. They gave him so much morphine – I feel like that is what killed him. He died 2 weeks after we went to hospice house.
I have so much guilt and anger. Why did I let them take him to hospice house? I thought they would just adjust his medication and send him home. He never came home. We were just about to retire together and he worked so hard all of his life and never got to retire.
He was the best husband ever. He treated me like a queen. I miss him so much.
Just now I was crying so hard it sounded like wailing and I even scared myself.

The sadness and loss seems to get worse as the days go by.

I sleep with his jean jacket because it smells like him.

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  • Diane says:

    Susan, I’m very sorry for the loss of your husband.

  • Kristina says:

    Susan, I am so sorry for your loss. I understand totally, my husband passed away almost 2 years ago from cancer, one month from diagnosis to his passing, quick, but very very brutal. I used to spend a lot of time in the cupboard sniffing his cloths. And I have guilt and anger also due to things I feel I should and should not have done so I think what you are feeling is normal and just part of the process. The only comfort I can offer is to say it does get better, and even when u r feeling at your most hopeless, maybe you can hold that thought in the back of your mind.
    Anyways, I just wanted u to know there is someone who does understand. If u want to talk my em is gkdixon@bigpond.com. Kindly, Kristina

  • Susan says:

    Thank you Diane and Kristina,
    I am trying to survive without him. Life is lonely and seems to have no purpose.
    Thank you for your comforting words.
    Susan

  • gene says:

    Susan I am so sorry for the loss of your dear husband, like you I too lost my darling to that terrible disease 8 months ago after going through many different types of chemo treatments We were also planning to retire to enjoy more time together and with our grandkids.
    My wife was my angel that I will miss every day for the rest of my life, and I feel like the best part of me has been ripped out.
    Like you I too fight daily with those terrible demons of anger and guilt in between the times that I miss her so much that it hurts. There are many of us who care because like you we know how much it hurts
    Please take care