Active Grieving Can Return Hope After Child-Loss

Why is change so daunting?

Thinking about a transition when we are perfectly settled in our comfort zone is overwhelming at times.

Sometimes, when our lives suddenly take a turn, we are like the unwilling family dog going to the kennel, being dragged by a taut leash into a new situation, our feet firmly planted on the linoleum floor, being yanked against our will toward the “unknown” back room.

Many changes throw us to the proverbial winds. Job loss puts many people under tremendous stress and worry. The have to rethink what is important in their lives. They will be tested many times and have to get away from the ego and move into a calmness while searching and waiting for a position to arrive. Not an easy task.

The same holds true for a divorce, which is a painful change that sends you out into the elements feeling as if you were Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, all by yourself being drawn up and away from Auntie Em’s farm.

And of course we have the number one worst change, that no one will trade you for, the loss of a child.

How do you move ahead when there is no replacement for what you have lost? It seems easier to stay in a sad state, frozen unable to move ahead, but that’s not what you need to do. Like with all other losses, you need step outside yourself and work on how this traumatic event can do some good.

In the beginning, you will not be able to think like that, but you will evolve, if you have the desire. Our children’s sacred journey shows us that we have higher intentions than just this life. We are so much more then just mothers and fathers. We are spiritually bound to those beautiful souls and all other souls as well.

Why were we selected to lose a child? What is our purpose now?

You alone with your loss were given a gift to carry on to others. Search for that small light in the forest. Walk slowly towards it. It will be very dark so you will be frightened and even stumble at times, but get up and keep moving toward that brightness with the knowledge that you are so loved. You have a purpose now and in the future with your child. You were selected because of a strength you didn’t even know you had, so continue to stoke that fire of love for all that come your way. Who would have thought you could be a torchbearer?

“ I was searching for the sunlight and found it in me.” — Albert Camus

Vicky Bates 2011

Vicky Bates

More Articles Written by Vicky

After 18 years of marriage and career, we decided to adopt two babies. My oldest had many health issues which after 10 years led to a fatal anaphylactic shock. I believe that my spiritual beliefs helped me understand that the tragedies we face challenge us to confront our pain and slowly work through it. That is what I did through helping with hospice and watching the process of transition for the dying and seeing that even in the hardest times the gentle kindness of humor is a necessary tool.

2 Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *



  • lindz@caterer Brisbane says:

    It is one way to grieve normally after child loss therefore it should not be thwarted

  • Kay says:

    Found your article very spiritually uplifting, Vicky!
    The worst kind of loss is the loss of a child!
    We are still walking in that dark forest like you mentioned, we lost our son two years ago and miss him very much.
    Articles like yours give us a lot of hope, keep posting Vicky and THANKS!!!!
    Love,
    Kay