No, you’re not.

Bad caregivers don’t seek out blogs on caregiving.

They don’t attend caregiving seminars and workshops.

They don’t worry about how they’re treating their loved ones.

Bad caregivers feel completely justified in their actions.

So, lay that aside.

If you lost your temper, it’s okay.

Make a plan on how to avoid it in the future.

Make a plan on how NOT to let your loved one push your buttons.

You were probably sleep deprived, exhausted, hungry, your back hurt, you were tired of dealing with all the layers of responsibilities that caregiving brings–and your loved one manipulated you, goaded you, or refused to cooperate. Still, it may be time to assess where you are–if you’ve picked up any bad habits. Verbal abuse is the most common, and it’s an easy trap to fall into. We all get frustrated.

How do I know when I’ve taken it too far?

Once or twice is an isolated incidence, but can you look back over the past three or four months and realize your tone, your demeanor has taken on a different slant?

Would you be embarrassed to have anyone hear you or see how you treat your loved one?

Are you so isolated that no one is around to see?

It’s time to make a plan.

You grabbed them too hard. Gritted your teeth. Threw something. Let that go now.

Say you’re sorry and mean it.

These were?warning signs, so heed the warning.

Do you need more help? Do you need respite–a weekend off?

It’s no longer a luxury, it’s a necessity–it’ll save your health and your relationship.

You might even need to put them in a care facility. You might be at the end of your rope. That’s okay if that’s true. You’ve done so much already. You’ve really, really tried and this is really really hard.

My mother had Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s, so I know. I went to my bitter edge. And yes, we had some rough times. One time, my mother dug her nails into my arm. I had to pray each one back–while I was in excruciating pain–and she was screaming her lungs out–and I was bleeding.

I thought I’d lose it that day.

I thought I would, but I’m blessed that I had my daughters in the house. I couldn’t.

I couldn’t go ballistic. But I also knew that I couldn’t keep this up.

I couldn’t let this happen–to me–or to them.  So yes, there are times when you simply can’t manage your loved one at home any more.

This doesn’t make you a failure.

Some diseases are monsters and they take our loved ones from us.

Abuse of the elderly is a serious problem–close to a million cases are reported each year, and many, many more are never brought to light. While family abuse does happen, many times, abuse is by those who are in the elder-care field.

Let’s face it, this isn’t a high paying field, and it’s easy to prey on someone who is physically or mentally vulnerable.  This is why it’s so, so important to stay involved with your loved one’s care.

It’s crucial.

Most people don’t realize this, but for some positions in the elder field, employees can have a certain amount and level of past criminal charges. This is a legal and a widespread practice.

I am all for rehabilitation. I’m just not sure that placing someone with a criminal background in an environment with little supervision, dealing with vulnerable people is such a good idea. It’s sad that we pay sports demi-gods huge salaries while caring for our children and our elders gets so little remuneration–or respect. Don’t get me started.

Someone who is abused may act or show signs in the following ways:

Signs and symptoms of specific types of abuse

Physical abuse	Unexplained signs of injury such as bruises, welts, or scars, especially if they appear symmetrically on two side of the body Broken bones, sprains, or dislocations Report of drug overdose or apparent failure to take medication regularly (a prescription has more remaining than it should) Broken eyeglasses or frames Signs of being restrained, such as rope marks on wrists Caregiver’s refusal to allow you to see the elder alone
Emotional abuse	In addition to the general signs above, indications of emotional elder abuse include Threatening, belittling, or controlling caregiver behavior that you witness Behavior from the elder that mimics dementia, such as rocking, sucking, or mumbling to oneself
Sexual abuse	Bruises around breasts or genitals Unexplained venereal disease or genital infections Unexplained vaginal or anal bleeding Torn, stained, or bloody underclothing
Neglect by caregivers or self-neglect	Unusual weight loss, malnutrition, dehydration Untreated physical problems, such as bed sores Unsanitary living conditions: dirt, bugs, soiled bedding and clothes Being left dirty or unbathed Unsuitable clothing or covering for the weather Unsafe living conditions (no heat or running water; faulty electrical wiring, other fire hazards) Desertion of the elder at a public place
Financial exploitation	Significant withdrawals from the elder’s accounts Sudden changes in the elder’s financial condition Items or cash missing from the senior?s household Suspicious changes in wills, power of attorney, titles, and policies Addition of names to the senior’s signature card Unpaid bills or lack of medical care, although the elder has enough money to pay for them Financial activity the senior couldn’t have done, such as an ATM withdrawal when the account holder is bedridden Unnecessary services, goods, or subscriptions
	Duplicate billings for the same medical service or device Evidence of overmedication or undermedication Evidence of inadequate care when bills are paid in full Problems with the care facility: – Poorly trained, poorly paid, or insufficient staff – Crowding – Inadequate responses to questions about care I share with with you from the Elder Abuse site at http://www.helpguide.org/mental/elder_abuse_neglect.htm If you feel pushed to the edge, ask for help. Pick up the phone. Call your local Alzheimer’s Association, Hospice Associtation, Council on Aging. All of them have a list of local resources to assist you. No one wants to take your loved one from you. They want to help. Having a momentary lapse in good judgement due to stress is absolutely normal, but don’t simply hope that it stops. Losing your cool is your body’s and mind’s way of saying, “I need some help here!” I hope this list helps you protect your loved ones. Be careful who you leave them with. There are reputable companies and organizations who have a system of checks and balances. It’s better to go with someone who is licsensed and bonded–who has something to lose if one of their employees gets out of hand. Stay close. Drop in. Vary your schedule. Check for signs and symptoms. Be vigilent. ~Carol D. O’Dell Author of Mothering Mother: A Daughter’s Humorous and Heartbreaking Memoir available on Amazon www.mothering-mother.com Family Advisor at www.Caring.com Syndicated Blog at www.test.opentohope.com