Aurora Tragedy Reminds Us What to Say to Bereaved — and What Not to Say

The massacre in Aurora, Colorado, brings up the idea of the fragility of life. Finding the “right” words to say to a grieving person can be a struggle. You want to offer comfort, but aren’t quite sure how to go about it. After losing my daughter, father-in-law, brother, and former son-in-law in 2007, I received words of comfort and hurtful words as well.

One sentence to avoid is, “I don’t know what to say.” This doesn’t comfort the bereaved person and may even upset you. Unfortunately, many of us resort to platitudes and unsolicited advice when speaking with those who are grieving. As Rabbi Earl A. Grollman writes in his best-selling book, Living When a Loved One has Died, everyone seems to know what is best for you.

But they don’t really know what you are going through. Grief has common symptoms, yet each person’s grief is unique. People who have experienced grief often say, “I know just how you feel.” This makes the bereaved person want to scream, notes Rabbi Grollman. We may also say the deceased “lived to a ripe old age.” His answer to this statement: “At any age death is a robber.”

I’ve studied loss, grief, and grief recovery for years, and keep a list of things not to say. My list includes these statements.

It’s probably for the best.

This is a blessing in disguise.

Every cloud has a silver lining.

God must have needed another angel in heaven.

He is at peace.

Time heals all wounds.

God doesn’t give us more than we can handle.

What can you say? As I look back on my grief journey, I think the most comforting words were, “I’m so sorry.” That was all I needed to hear. Many friends told me to call them if I needed something. But the bereaved rarely call because we don’t want to burden others and often don’t know what we need. We don’t call because we don’t want to appear weak.

The Jewish faith has traditional words of comfort. This faith also encourages the bereaved to remember, with statements such as “Tell me what your loved one was like.” This sentence gives the grieving person a chance to say his or her loved one’s name and recall happy memories.

For me, the question, “How are you?” was extremely painful. In America, this question is so common we don’t think about it. For the bereaved, the question can be dicey. Some days I didn’t know how I was and other days I was in despair. Instead of asking,”How are you?” reframe the question and ask “How is today going for you?”

Sharing memories may also comfort the bereaved. I just wrote a sympathy note to a widower. His wife had been a member of my study club for years and, since I remembered her as a brilliant, caring and giving person, I said this in my note. According to Rabbi Grollman, bereaved people are thankful for your company, but not your advice. So think before you speak, be brief, and give the grieving person a heartfelt hug.

Copyright 2012 by Harriet Hodgson

 

 

 

Harriet Hodgson

More Articles Written by Harriet

Harriet Hodgson has been a freelancer for 38 years, is the author of 36 books, and thousands of print/Internet articles. She is a member of the Association of Health Care Journalists, Minnesota Coalition for Grief Education and Support, and Grief Coalition of Southeastern Minnesota. In 2007 four of her family members died—her daughter (mother of her twin grandchildren), father-in-law, brother (and only sibling), and the twins’ father. Multiple losses shifted the focus of Hodgson’s work from general health to grief resolution and recovery, and she is the author of eight grief resources. Hodgson has appeared on more than 185 radio talk shows, including CBS Radio, dozens of blog talk radio programs, and dozens of television stations, including CNN. In addition to writing for Open to Hope, Hodgson is a contributing writer for The Grief Toolbox website, and The Caregiver Space website. A popular speaker, she has given presentations at public health, Alzheimer’s, hospice, grief, and caregiving conferences. Hodgson’s work is cited in Who’s Who of American Women, World Who’s Who of Women, Contemporary Authors, and other directories. For more information about this busy wife, grandmother, author and family caregiver, please visit www.harriethodgson.com.

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  • Thank you for taking the time to read this brief post. I feel the sorrow that the Colorado tragedy brought those people who were affected. I could not imagine the grief they are feeling as this was a sudden and unexpected loss. Many of our loved ones that pass away leave a footprint of digital information. It’s important to make sure you close their email accounts so malicious thieves won’t hack into their accounts and use their identities. Likewise, you should make sure to contact Facebook to ask them to turn off their Facebook page. I found a great application within Facebook called Evertalk where you can create a separate space within Facebook to remember them and celebrate their lives. I have used the Evertalk page before to accept donations to pay for hospital bills for my grandmother who passed. I’ve been able to collect $10k, which has greatly helped me and my family deal with the financial burden. Anyways, I wanted to pass along the recommendation to check out Evertalk within Facebook. Their web site is http://www.everta.lk

    Hope this helps.

  • Jacklyn Johnson says:

    I appreciate this information you shared so much. I still feel the grief from the Colorado shooting and I think creating a memorial page for my friend who died in the shooting would really mean a lot his family. Thanks for the heads up on the Evertalk page Christina.