“During periods of grief the human brain undergoes a process known as neuroplasticity, in which the brain rewires itself in response to emotional trauma.” ~ Widows Empowerment Trust

Moving one block away from our home has been surprisingly disorienting for me. Although I can walk the same routes on the streets I’ve walked on for 30+ years, the neighbourhood seems different.

Across the road from Marina Place is the beautiful forest trail of living breathing trees as well as the fallen nurse tree skeletons. I go there daily, it’s short but healing, bringing me out onto Harmony Lane not far from our home. I occasionally walk by our family home, either at the front or on the back lane, conditioning myself to the new reality.

The Backwards Book

A couple of days ago I picked up a book from “Gramma’s Wee library”, a birdhouse shaped library on a nearby street. This book was a rare find…it was bound backwards. All the pages were there but the reader was forced to read from back to front, similar to Japanese books.

My brain did not know how to do it. Once I even found myself attempting to read a page from bottom to top, I was so confused! By halfway through the book, I had adjusted fairly well.

How does this fit with grief and its accompanying brain changes? Grief is like a cerebral accident and upsets our brain chemicals and hormones, affecting every part of us, from muscles to organs. Our brains are rewired, resulting in mood changes, brain fog, extreme tiredness, forgetfulness and so on. “The emotional trauma of loss results in serious changes in brain function” says Lisa Shulman.

Grieving Brains Must Rewire

Our brains create neural maps to keep track of our relationships, Deborah L. Davis tells us in a Psychology Today article. When our partner dies, our brain must redraw its neural maps, making new connections. Very slowly, we draw new maps.

This mammoth job can take years to complete. We’re triggered often because our brain is stuck in old modes. In my case the depth of my grief at losing my soulmate of many lifetimes has brought up other unfinished business. This has resulted in depression of my vital energy and grief bursts over the past three years.

I read recently that the authors of a survey found 38% of the Americans surveyed were still grieving intensely after three years, especially with partner or child loss.

My grief bursts have not stopped me from moving forward with my major move and with new and refreshed projects over the past few months, however they are interfering with my life in the sense that they are exhausting and affect my sense of self…my confidence.

Medication Can be Useful

This week I chose to re-start Prozac, a small dose in a liquid form. Looking back, I think the grief crying bursts began again when I eliminated the Prozac completely, after decreasing it for one year.

My philosophy towards the medication is different this time. I do not see taking it as a failure to cope, a stigma or a breach of my holistic philosophy. Rather I see it as another tool to help my brain as it rewires itself and I “grow around my grief”.

Copyright 2023 Ellen Besso

Reprinted from Eclectic Spirituality

Check out Ellen Besso’s website: Eclectic Spirituality – Beyond Religious Belief (ellenbesso.com)

Read more by Ellen on Open to Hope: Dreams Move the Grieving Process Along – Open to Hope

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Dreams Remind Us

My mother left us in the early morning hours of April 13th. When she heard I was on my way, her face changed, her nurse Ray said, and she went. I believe she then felt safe and comforted enough to let go. It was also clear that energetically I was there with her.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross said that whoever is supposed to be there when a person dies is present in the room, even if they are not there physically, and I feel this was very much the case. (Most loved ones seem to die when their family is not in the room, from what friends and nurses at Totem Lodge have told me.)

Celebration Reflected Mom’s Life

Our celebration of Glenys’ life, held on a sunny, hot Saturday afternoon in our home, was joyful and uplifting. It was a simple gathering of friends and family, a reading of e-mails from family and colleagues in Toronto, some storytelling by myself and others who were present, followed by a toast to our mom and a sharing of food.

I believe it reflected the joyful, social person she was. Everyone enjoyed the afternoon, and the next day I imagined Mom “looking down” (a reflection of my childhood Christian upbringing I suppose), clapping her hands and joyfully telling the family and friends with her, “They’re having a party for me!”

It’s been about two months since Mom left us, and the process goes on. Recently, I had two dreams that reflect how I’m integrating her passing into who I am, and into my life. They also represent the circle of life, and the circle of mothers and daughters. When I did a vision board a few weeks ago, (pictures and words on posterboard), I hadn’t planned to, but began it with pictures of my mother and myself, and my daughter and myself, and used phrases such as “full circle” and “strength” and “open arms.”

Dreams Continue to Move Grief Along

My first dream, just a dream fragment, had a very young girl being thrown to the curb of a road. For some reason, she was not a three- dimensional girl, she was rather flat, but in dreams unusual symbols appear. I motioned to my partner to pick up bits of her clothing, and I gently and lovingly picked her up and held her to my heart.

This girl was a part of me, a wounded, grieving part, and I reclaimed her into myself as I dreamed. (Remember, there are many ways to interpret dreams; only we are the expert on our dreams.)

The second dream, a bit longer, took place in a care home, but not the one Mom lived in. The home and the staff seemed generic, and were unknown to me, totally unlike the Totem experience. In the dream, my mother was dying, but then she turned around and improved — so much so that she could speak again. She was going to be sent to the hospital, but then I got the idea of “taking her home” for her last few days. The home wasn’t my current one, however; it was our family home on Lawrence Avenue in Toronto. I was helping her go home. There’s the full circle again.

A Desire for Wings

During Mom’s last week, we all helped her go home, with our visits, our music, and most importantly, our love. Also, and this will no doubt sound weird to some of you, for several weeks before Mom became ill, I craved a pair of large, white, feathery wings to put on – not to worry, they were only going to be worn around the house! (You need to know that I have been enamoured of huge white wings for many years, ever since I saw the several part movie on television called “Mr. Pim” about a man in a small village in England who began to grow beautiful wings.)

As soon as Mom became terminally ill, my desire for wings disappeared. Again, I think it was a symbolic way of me helping her go home.

How the future will unfold as I find my new place in the world, I cannot predict. As I said to my brother last week after we left the lawyer’s, “It’s the end of an era.” He agreed.

Ellen Besso, MA, MidLife Coach & Eldercare Expert, and author of Surviving Eldercare: Where Their Needs End & Yours Begin

Check out Ellen Besso’s website: Eclectic Spirituality – Beyond Religious Belief (ellenbesso.com)

Read more by Ellen on Open to Hope: Retraining Our Brains Through Grief – Open to Hope

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It’s true…I feel it, you feel it…we are all connected. As human beings, we feel each other’s pain. Because of this we are able to pull together when necessary, when someone is ill or dying, to show our caring. We can do this in many ways, by sitting with the person, checking in with them by telephone, or by doing the practical things, the small “labors of love” like cooking and laundry.

My friend’s daughter died early this morning after struggling for over a year with cancer. I’ve learned things through the experience of supporting my friend, her mother, throughout this time.

I would say that the most important part for me has learning to walk that delicate line between keeping in touch – in the background – and backing off. Not trying to take over or force my opinions about what the family may or may not need. To simply stand by as they struggle, to respect the privacy they gain by doing it themselves.

What the next days or weeks will bring is uncertain, but I do know that the group of friends, the supporters, will continue to stand by and be ready for what is asked of us.

Because we are all connected we will reach out to our friend and to each other.

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There are small and not so small daily losses. Perhaps our injured knee backtracks after we’ve worked for months to strengthen it; maybe we’ve had intimate relationships end badly; maybe we’re living one lifestyle but longing for another. We may not even realise that these are losses, or we may choose not to acknowledge them.

In a similar way, we tend not to recognise as important the feelings that overcome us when we grieve for a place where we’ve felt totally at home, or for experiences that uplifted us. When I left India after my first trip in 2007, I found for many months that I didn’t want to be back at home. Although the trip was hard, it awakened something in me and I felt a pull to return.

On our recent trip there from October to January, we spent our first six weeks in McLeod Ganj, Dharamsala, home of HH the Dalai Lama and the Tibetan government in exile. We did volunteer work with young Tibetans, mingled with Indians and Tibetans in the streets, attended teachings with the Dalai Lama, and spent as much time as possible with the Tibetan family we’ve become close friends with.

Leaving McLeod Ganj didn’t seem as hard as I had anticipated, but five days after we moved on to the state of Rajasthan, I began to grieve for all I’d left behind. The feelings passed but they didn’t disappear.

When I returned home, it took me quite a while to bounce back; I was tired beyond the usual jet lag period. My partner, whose intuition has grown over the years, said he felt there was an emotional aspect to my tiredness. My friend concurred, saying that it was natural after being in such a different culture for such a long period of time.

Suddenly the penny dropped, and I realised my grief was causing the tiredness. I grieved for India overall, and I particularly missed and yearned for the healing energy of McLeod Ganj and for the warm-hearted, courageous Tibetans who became our friends there. The people and the town had claimed a place deep in my heart.

After my epiphany, I was able to feel the sadness right inside my heart. There was pain but I also felt a warm heart opening. Rather than an overall body tiredness, I felt the love in a centered, soft place inside me. It was not unlike the powerful and emotional heart openings I experienced during my first days and weeks in McLeod Ganj. My tiredness began to melt away.

When we lose a loved one, we don’t just lose the person, we lose the relationship we had with them. We grieve for them and we also grieve for the times we spent together, for the experiences we shared. We know these experiences will not come again in the same way.

Once we are able to get in touch with these aspects of our grief, we can begin to review our relationship, revisiting the time spent with our loved one, the places we went, and the special things we did together. Then we’ll gradually come to feel relief within ourselves and, over time, some completion.

copyright Ellen Besso 2010

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The loss I’m now experiencing has come in stages, as my elderly mother deteriorates slowly from Alzheimer’s disease. Each year she seems to go to a new stage, plateauing there for quite a while, eventually shifting mentally and physically into a different phase. Then we have to learn how to meet her in that place.

Sometimes our loved ones leave us quite quickly, and some go slowly over many years as my mom has done. However they leave, it’s hard for those of us left behind to come to terms with their passing.

When we’re grieving, our own needs must be a priority on all levels. In the first days and weeks, we’re in shock, going through our days automatically. Often, we forget to look after ourselves in the most basic of ways, particularly when we’ve been caregivers who have put our parent or other relative’s needs first for a long time. The numbness gradually gives way to a realisation that our lives have changed. We may wonder who we will become and what we will do with ourselves now that our loved one has died.

It’s important to boost our self-care, looking after those important basics that feed us in body, mind and spirit. Simple things like eating small amounts of food regularly, drinking plenty of water, getting some fresh air and gentle exercise, reading our favourite uplifting books or poems make a significant difference.

Check in with yourself often to see what you need. Every 15 minutes is a schedule that works well. Take tiny turtle steps such as dressing neatly, walking down the block, having a friend in for a cup of tea or going out for a short visit.

There is no fixed timetable or method for grieving, and don’t believe anyone who tells you otherwise. We will find our own unique way of healing when we give ourselves the gift of time. In the peace and quiet the answers will come to us.

Strong personal boundaries are crucial right now and we have the right to set them. It’s not possible or reasonable to go out of our way to help others during this time.  While we may not be able to put our own needs first all the time, it’s a good goal to aim for. A small group of safe, trusted friends, family, and perhaps a counsellor or coach will give us the support we need and honest feedback from time to time if necessary.

Care for and honour yourself and you will slowly begin to come out of the dark and into the brightness of day again.

The post Taking ‘Turtle Steps’ in the Journey Through Grief appeared first on Open to Hope.

Many of us are dealing with health issues and/or aging issues nowadays – our own, our family members’ and our friends. It’s tough to take care of ourselves when we have to take care of others, when we feel scared and anxious. The first things to go are our routines.

I’ve prepared a list of basics I hope will be helpful:

A good place to start is at the most basic level of food, water and sleep. Keep things very simple and nourishing with food. If you’re not able to sleep consider natural remedies or even medication.

Get outside in nature even if its only for 5 minutes to refresh yourself and change your energy. Move your body while you’re out there. The more you do this, the more your body-mind-spirit will crave it.

Get the support of others – friends and family members if they aren’t too caught up in their own feelings. Call a crisis line if necessary; that’s what they’re in the phone book for!

Spend a few minutes every day alone quietly. This will help you release your burdens and the burdens of others you may be carrying. In the stillness you will receive guidance.

And finally, BREATHE!…the first line of defence. Take a deep breath in through your nose, hold it as long as it is comfortable, then push as much air as possible out through your mouth. Repeat this up to 5 breaths. Put post-its up or set timers for 15 minutes as a reminder.

If you are in crisis or going through a lot right now, just begin to use these basics. They certainly won’t hurt you, and will likely help.

Ellen Besso inspires and guides Midlife Women as they navigate the midlife maze and find joy & fullness in their lives.  Working with Ellen, renew body, mind and spirit and dissolve beliefs that keep you from your ideal life.

Ellen’s calling is to support and mentor midlife women and she is uniquely qualified to do this with 25 years as a women’s coach and counsellor and as a fellow midlife maze navigator.

If you yearn to:

* Clarify your midlife journey

* Move closer to your personal truth

* Connect with your body, mind & spirit

*Allow joy back into your life

* Realize your dreams

Contact Ellen with your questions, to book a session, or to read her articles: info@ellenbesso.com or http://www.ellenbesso.com. 800 961 1364 – N.Am.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Ellen_Besso, http://EzineArticles.com/?Grief-and-Self-Care&id=1171160

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