The television is crackling with news about the latest weather catastrophe! All the morning news shows are “round tabling” about the craziness of ALL the candidates!! I’m bursting with comments, remarks, outrage—and there’s no one here for me to share all this emotion with. I can easily feel sorry for myself and go into a [...]
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Visiting a Loved One’s Graves
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August 12, 2011
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When I was making lunch plans with a friend last week, she said she couldn’t meet Tuesday because it was her late husband’s birthday and she was going to visit him at his grave. I was touched because she said “visit him at his grave.” I know this is a pilgrimage she makes on their anniversary, [...]
Tune Out Those Who Don’t Know How to Help
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July 26, 2011
3 Responses
While chatting with a new acquaintance seated beside me at a dinner party, I learned her adult son died one year ago. Knowing what a terrible loss that is, and understanding that most people never recover from it, I said, “I’m so sorry. There is really nothing anyone can say to make you feel better, but please know [...]
Memoirs May Bring Peace, Hope
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April 25, 2011
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My new memoir, Stairway to the Stars: John Tavolta, Woody Allen, Joan Rivers…and Me is off to a fine start, selling nicely with positive reviews as readers dive into the secrets of my career and personal life. But since this memoir brought such peace and closure to me, I hope it’s also going to inspire others who experienced sorrow [...]
Edwards Children Will Need Adult Help as They Grieve
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December 9, 2010
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The death of Elizabeth Edwards this week leaves three children without their mother, including two children ages 12 and 10. What can the Edwards family and friends do to help them through their grief? Research by psychoanalysts at the Chicago Institute for Psychoanalysis on The Effects of Early Parent Deaths showed: The most important thing [...]
Veterans Day Brings Special Memories
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November 11, 2010
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This year Veterans Day, Nov. 11, marks the third anniversary of my husband’s funeral. And as I got ready to hang the flag out front, I recalled the special sensitivity and kindness of my consultant at Shalom Memorial Park and Funeral Home, in Arlington Heights IL. On Nov. 9 that year, as our family was dealing with the details [...]
Woman Misses Husband Who Was ‘Finder’ and ‘Keeper’
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August 21, 2010
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I always used to get upset when I lost something. Other people could misplace a key, lose a glove, or forget where they set down their wallet without going nuts. But whenever that happened to me, I went into a panic. I actually felt my blood pressure rise–and who needed that? Fortunately, I was married [...]
Celebrating Memorial Day – My Way
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May 31, 2010
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Around Memorial Day, many people go to the cemetery to spruce up their loved ones’ graves. They want visitors to see that they are nicely cared for. I don’t have to do that because I know I can trust the cemetery in Arlington Heights, IL, where our loved ones rest, to do it for me. [...]
Gaining Control of Your Finances After Spouse-Loss
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March 16, 2010
1 Response
I’m often invited to financial seminar/dinner meetings for seniors, but I didn’t start attending them until I became a widow. That’s when I realized I must understand exactly how much money I have, what’s happening to it, and how I can make sure it lasts as long as I do. One of the best ways [...]
Dinner as a Widow: Don’t Carry Out
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March 1, 2010
2 Responses
After my husband died, I began to eat “carry out dinners.” And I ate them alone, sitting on the couch in the den. Then one night, while I was standing in a Mexican restaurant waiting for my order, the man asked if I wanted the meal for “carry out or eating in.” I looked around and thought, [...]
Grief Takes No Holidays
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December 21, 2009
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“Grief is the price you pay for love,” said therapist Carol Nevin at the December meeting of the Widows List Group at the Northbrook, Ill., Senior Center. Carol was there to discuss “Grieving During the Holidays,” and her visit was perfectly timed for Marilyn, one member who lost her husband six months ago and still feels ”disoriented.” Marilyn said that confusion frustrates her more than anything [...]
Creating New Thanksgiving Traditions as Widows
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November 24, 2009
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Each family’s holiday traditions are precious and, one hopes, the children and grandchildren will remember and continue them. But as we move on, and our lives change dramatically, our traditions must change too. And, as single people, we can strive and thrive through holiday seasons by bringing cheer to others. For example, we always had [...]
Moving to the Middle of the Bed
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October 23, 2009
4 Responses
Last night, I slept in the middle of our king-size bed. It took me two years to do that. For 55 years, I shared that bed with my husband. He never walked on water. Sometimes we broke that cardinal rule and went to sleep angry. But far more often, we embraced that bed, and each [...]
Anger a Normal Step in the Grief Process
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October 9, 2009
1 Response
At a recent dinner party, one of my newly-widowed friends complained that another guest wasn’t being nice to her. ”He isn’t talking to me. He isn’t asking how I feel now that I lost my husband,” she said. “It makes me mad that he acts as though nothing happened.” Similarly, another newly-widowed friend complained that one group of women she [...]
What a Hospice End-of-Life Consultation Meant To Us
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August 29, 2009
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When my husband was in the last stage of Idiopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis, with no hope for a cure, we settled him in our den, next to the TV where he could watch his beloved Cubbies play ball, in the company of his loved ones and devoted Black Lab. During those final weeks, as he became [...]
‘Sudden Widows’ Face Special Challenges
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August 21, 2009
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Losing a husband suddenly is very different from caring for a loved one through a long illness. While the grief and sorrow are the same, sometimes a sudden death leaves widows less prepared for the “work” they must do afterward. Often, there are no funeral and burial arrangements. They don’t know how to file death [...]
Rethinking Home Hospice
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August 21, 2009
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When my husband was near the end of his terminal illness, our Medicare nurse, who dropped in twice a week to check his vital signs, suggested we call our local Hospice center to set up Home Hospice. I balked. I was afraid to face the reality that we were so close to the end. [...]
Father’s Day: Time to Discard Anger and Guilt
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June 15, 2009
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By Sandra Pesmen – If you want to celebrate any holiday, especially Father’s Day, you have to learn to deal with anger and guilt. Whether we widows admit it or not, when our spouse dies, most of us feel guilty because we survived. We fear we may not have been as kind as we could [...]
Handling Money When You’ve Lost a Spouse
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March 24, 2009
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By Sandra Pesmen – We recently attended several financial seminars given by different money management firms to gather information about handling money when you’re grieving. Our goal is to help people during a time when it’s difficult to make wise decisions about anything, including money. One of the most important things I learned is that [...]
Many Widows Need to Spruce Up Resumes
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February 17, 2009
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By Sandra Pesmen – It’s possible that as a widow, you suddenly need to find a job, or upgrade the one you have for more pay and benefits. In either case, remember that your old resume probably won’t work in today’s world. If you haven’t updated it lately, it probably lacks power and punch and [...]
