Michael writes in: My sister is dying of breast cancer. I don’t know how to be with her. I want to say something but so far I only speak to myself.
John Pete resonds: Hi Michael. It can be very difficult to be with someone who is dying and we often try too hard to think of the “right” things to say or do. It can help to think about how you would want to be treated in their situation. Dying is not only about dying – it is about living out a life while coping with a terminal illness. I commend you for seeking ways to reach out. It is easy for someone who is dying to become isolated by those around them not knowing how to reach out, so avoiding the situation altogether.
The most important thing you can do is allow your sister to be herself, and to listen to her intently. Offer your non-judgmental support and be prepared to listen and respond from the heart through likely periods of fear, anger and despair which often occurs, then gives way to gradual acceptance. Everyone is different, and it is best to respond to your sister’s individual needs.
You will likely find that first steps to share this experience with your sister are often the most difficult. I recommend beginning with visiting your sister in person and letting her know that you are there to offer your support. One of the things we commonly hear is that those who are dying don’t want to be treated differently. They want to spend their remaining time living, not dying.
Keep in mind that your sister is the same person she was before her illness, and that can provide a lot of insight as to how you can best support her. If you are close to your sister, she may be more open to confiding in you. And if you do not have a close relationship, this is an opportunity for you to open the door to changing that. Be there for her however you reasonably can. When you do not know what say, do not be afraid to say so directly to her, and use it as a further opportunity to ask her how you can support her. And sometimes, just being there with her will be enough.
John Pete, GC-C
OpenToHopeFaith.Com
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I don’t have anything to add to John’s excellent advice, yet wanted to wish you and your sister peace through this passage.
My boss at work was diagnosed recently with breast cancer, and although she is gone from the office, I struggle with “how” to speak with her once I find the confidence to phone her. I trust that simply picking up the phone and dialing her number will take care of it, yet that part isn’t as easy to do as it was a month ago.
John’s response helped me too!
Julie
we lost our little sister last thanksgiving to breast cancer. there is not alot you can say. the day she passed we were with her. about an hr prior, she had been crying, about this not being life, but she didn’t want to leave us. I told her whatever she wanted was ok with us. we loved her regardless. 1 hr later she passed away. the year since has been difficult, with the one year mark coming on depression is setting in. But i know she is in a better place.
to answer your question, let her know you love her. above all and everything that is the most important. all those thing that annoyed you and her in the past are totally unimportant. tell her in a real way that you love her..sounds trite, but so neccessary for her and yourself.