Comments for Open to Hope Foundation

Comment on Writing Songs for Husband Helped Widow Heal by alojamientos en la costa blanca

alojamientos en la costa blanca — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 23:28:07 +0000

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Comment on Is There a Place at Holiday Table for the Griever? by bigsiss

bigsiss — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 21:19:50 +0000

This post reminds me of the civil war song. The Vacant Chair- Words by H.S. Washburn.It sums up holidays and gatherings for me now. There will always be an empty chair. Where my younger brother once sat.

We shall meet but we shall miss him.
There will be one vacant chair.
We shall linger to caress him
While we breathe our ev’ning prayer.
When one year ago we gathered,
Joy was in his mild blue eye.
Now the golden cord is severed,
And our hopes in ruin lie.

CHORUS: We shall meet, but we shall miss him.
There will be one vacant chair.
We shall linger to caress him
While we breathe our ev’ning prayer.

Comment on Is There a Place at Holiday Table for the Griever? by worldclock

worldclock — Wed, 08 Feb 2012 00:11:15 +0000

Is There a Place at Holiday Table for the Griever? | Open to Hope Foundation – just great!

Comment on In Widow’s World, Living With Purpose is Hard by worldclock

worldclock — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 22:59:29 +0000

In Widow’s World, Living With Purpose is Hard | Open to Hope Foundation – just great!

Comment on After Miscarriage, Husband Wonders When It’s Time to Try Again by worldclock

worldclock — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 22:58:22 +0000

After Miscarriage, Husband Wonders When It’s Time to Try Again | Open to Hope Foundation – just great!

Comment on ‘Distance Counseling’: What is It, How Does it Work? by Therapist over the phone

Therapist over the phone — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 04:20:20 +0000

hi!,I like your writing very so much! share we be in contact extra about your post on AOL? I need an expert on this space to solve my problem. Maybe that is you! Taking a look forward to look you.

Comment on How I Surrendered to the Grief of Losing My Husband by Beth Marshall

Beth Marshall — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 23:20:41 +0000

Jennifer- your words are compelling and beautiful. I will be sure and share this with a dear friend who lost her (33 yr old) husband recently.
I believe many will be encouraged by your story.

God’s peace, Beth Marshall

Comment on The Broken Places by Dave Roberts

Dave Roberts — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 12:31:07 +0000

It was my pleasure Alicia. I have as you been more sensitive to ongoing connection with Jeannine and acknowledging that has allowed my life to be more spiritually fulfilling as a result of my struggle with her physical absence. I think that was so great that the invitations you sent to do random acts of kindness on Dylan’s birthday spread worldwide. The ripple effect of acknowledging and honoring our ongoing relationships with our children is a great sight to behold.

Comment on Widow’s Separation From Husband is ‘Temporary’ by tracey

tracey — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 22:09:25 +0000

thankyou for yor great words about it been temorary, my husband passed on 21st november 2011. he was only 29, im older than him but we just got on so wel i wud know what he wud say before he said it, we have 2small children 2gether too, i have 3 other children, so that me jesus n 5, im so pleased we both love the lord and i know hes safe and happy, its like hes here not in flesh but in spirit, my heart aches every min of day n nite. we went thro more together but we stil believed we wud get thro the ruff sea. pete struggled with an addiction, it wasnt that tuk his life,he had mulitable strokes and was brain damaged,i was there 2 when he tuk his last breath, too see him strugle with breath i prayed the lord wud take him, i kissed n talked 2him like i wud, his spirit was so strong he didnt want to go, but its in gods time not ours, in my word it said, u know god answers prayer but are u willing to except his answer! yes i do, its not what i wanted or petes but the lords, god knows the plans for our lives,

Comment on Website Updates by Bibi Gunst

Bibi Gunst — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 21:40:55 +0000

Thanks for your information. Will be back soon …

Comment on The Broken Places by Alicia

Alicia — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 14:08:52 +0000

Dave, thank you so much for taking the time and effort to share some of your experiences with me and everyone at Open To Hope. Since my Dylan passed, I am much more sensitive to connection. People have come from so many different directions to help me by sharing their experiences and their ways of grieving. Previously, I read your article on how you try to honor Jeannine by living her special characteristics. I tried this by sending out invitations to do random acts of kindness on Dylan’s birthday and this wave traveled around the world! I also experience ongoing connection to Dylan in my soul and in my physical world. Sometimes I need help to trust and believe and this is the encouragement you have given me, Thank You, Alicia

Comment on My brother by Penny Farney

Penny Farney — Sun, 05 Feb 2012 04:02:03 +0000

I am so very sorry for your lose. I can honestly relate. We lost our baby brother Sept. 30, 2011 on a very bad car wreck while he was working out of state in Oklahoma!!!! He was the only boy out of 4 kids… He was the baby… With 3 big sisters who made sure he never did any thing wrong…so bless you my friend I am at a total loss without my lil brother, my shadow

Comment on Taking the Plunge to Honor Son by maria victoria

maria victoria — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 21:58:03 +0000

jeri…I lost my 24 yrs old son three weeks ago in a car accident…I feel so guilty even if I do not hava nothing to do with the cause… and the pain?…terrible!!! comes and go like a wave…I do not want to live anymore

Comment on Dealing With the Winter Blues by Harriet Hodgson

Harriet Hodgson — Sat, 04 Feb 2012 14:02:14 +0000

Thanks for your honesty, Catherine. I live in Minnesota, where many people have the winter blues. Usually I don’t have them, but I hit a slump after four family members died in 2007. There was too much to think about and too much to do, coupled with the fact that I was raising grandchildren. Give yourself credit for all you have faced. Give yourself credit for identifying your grief work. Give yourself credit for having keen personal insights and recognizing growth. Winter is a loser against all of these pluses.

Comment on The End of Grief: ‘Are We There Yet?’ by Debra Reagan

Debra Reagan — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 20:16:07 +0000

Diana,
I am so very sorry about the death of your precious son, Travis. You are so right. There are times during this grief journey that nothing seems to help. Our children are gone and all we want is to turn back the clock and be with them. It has been 6.5 years for me and I can say that now I have the energy to re-invest into a new normal. My heart still hurts for Clint and I long to see him again, but the weight isn’t so heavy now. I can picture my Clint’s sweet smile and imagine him encouraging me to be happy. I will never be the same person I was before Clint’s death, but now I can say that I have small moments of real joy. It may be joy just inches away from sadness, but now days I will take my joy anyway I can get it. It has helped me to get together with other bereaved moms from time to time. You and Travis will be in my thoughts. Thank you for sharing with me. Hugs, Debra

Comment on ‘I Want My Dad to Walk Me Down the Aisle’ by R.A.Z.

R.A.Z. — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 19:54:41 +0000

I’m so sorry for the loss you all experienced. I felt your pain. I lost my dad on 26th of December 2011. He fell at home and his thigh bone broke, second day we had him into hospital and third day he was gone during the operation. An operation that usually takes a 20-30 minutes but a clot had his both lungs shut down and he died in the first 10 minutes of the operation.
The sad thing is that I used to go to my parents’ bed room to check on them if they were still breathing, they are my life and I’ve been always fearing of loosing them but during these last three days of his life it did not occur to me that he’d be gone otherwise we’d have talked to him and kissed him. I can’t get over it and don’t think I will. I’m not young i’m 35 and my life was not easy especially the last year and I was quite far from him during the couple of months and i feel so bad not telling him how much i love him. now that he’s gone i can’t live without him. i go to his bed every night and talk to him on the hope i’d dream of him and have any kind of connection. my sister dreamed of me and dad sitting next to each other putting my head on his shoulder and he kissed my forehead and it made me feel his love. i quit my job, i’m not going out , can’t sleep at night and when i finally sleep at 5 or 6am i woke up late feeling as if there is a huge boulder on my chest. I hate answering phones because people keep asking me how are you doing now! what a question and i hate sounding vulnerable to others but truth is i’m so broken even though when he was here, i was self dependent and hardly depended on anyone but he left a huge gap.

Comment on Sorry For Your Loss: What People Who Are Grieving Wish You Knew by Ronnie Grosskopf

Ronnie Grosskopf — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 08:06:35 +0000

Hello all, great blog her. Keep up the good work. Very informative.

Comment on The End of Grief: ‘Are We There Yet?’ by Diana Kress

Diana Kress — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 23:16:16 +0000

I am glad both of you can do wonderful things for your daughter and son. My son Travis died march 17th 2009 he was 26. A wonderful person my only son. I have done many things in memory of my son. Nothing helps it still hurts and will hurt until my death. Your parents die you lose your past, your child dies you lose your furture. I don’t think the pain ever goes away from losing your child. Somedays you just do better. My smiles are not the same and how can they be. Death is forever and they are not here for you to love and worry about. They will be no wedding or grandchildren. What is so great about all of that.

Comment on Sister Honors Brother and Herself by Recovering from Loss by Rebecca

Rebecca — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 21:57:17 +0000

It’s not silly at all. A lot of the time when I healed the most it was from the casual or kind words of casual friends and strangers. It’s funny, but often it’s our family and closest friends who don’t know what to say to us and we too often suffer alone. What resonates and feels welcome is what you should use and if I could be the littlest help, Alison, you’ve made me feel good, too. And I’ll say something that maybe needs to be realized more. I think older sisters (like you and me) can sometimes have played a bit of a mother role in the lives of our younger siblings and that special layer that is never realized by other people can be harder to work through. Rebecca

Comment on Honoring a Deceased Child on Valentine’s Day by Becky Loflin

Becky Loflin — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 21:46:51 +0000

Thank you Sandy for the wonderful ideas. I am sending boxes of candy to many of my son Marty’s friends and family. I share a letter along with the candy to commemorate my love for him. This is the third year I have been without my son on Valentine’s Day. I miss him terribly, he always did so many wonderful things for me, not just on holidays but everyday. Marty died at the hospital after undergoing what the dr convinced him and his family was a routine aortic valve replacement. My world is upside down and will be always. Thank you for being so encouraging. I wish he was here with me to celebrate everyday. Thank you for your kindness.

Becky Loflin
Marty’s Mama

Comment on Sister Honors Brother and Herself by Recovering from Loss by Alison

Alison — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 19:19:44 +0000

Thank you for writing this! I lost my younger brother in October and I have struggled with many of the same issues. I feel like you gave me permission to heal (I know that is silly that a stranger can give me permission).

Comment on Widower Ponders What to do With the Ring by Richard Ballo

Richard Ballo — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 17:13:34 +0000

Hi Sheryl
Yes, things get better and no one says when. I remember just trying to get through each day and some days, or hours, everything seemed fine, then, wam, back down. Making arrangement alone is tough. then I after a year I had better days. For me to really say I was out of grief was about 5 years. That is when there were more good days than not. I was more alive. I know you will make it. I pray for your peace and acceptance.

Comment on A Letter to Suicide Survivors by Pat

Pat — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 15:32:55 +0000

A comment on semantics — my father took his own life when I was 5, my son, 3 years ago. I have been a survivor of suicide most of my life.

I really cringe when I see the usage “committed suicide”, especially by other survivors.

Our loved ones died of a disease, they were in horrible pain, they died a horribly stigmatized death.

BUT, they did not commit a crime. At one time, their taking of their own life was considered a crime & we, the survivors, would have been penalized. I am doing all I can to correct this usage. And, I hope that all survivors can join with me to do the same.

Comment on Widower Ponders What to do With the Ring by Sheryl

Sheryl — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 06:38:42 +0000

I hear and relate to all you are saying. My heart reaches out to each of you, because I know the pain. My husband crossed over in June 2011. I still wear my wedding band. I am not yet ready to move on. We are best friends and for 22 years. We only had each other.No close family. Now,I am like a lost puppy in the woods. I have no one. I sat by his bed alone,. I was only one there when he crossed over at the hospital. I arranged his funeral all alone. I will wear his band on a chain around my neck, along with the ashes I wear. I am putting his other jewelry in the safe deposit box until I decide what I want designed. At this time, I am trying to get through one day at a time. They say things get better. But they don’t say when. It is individual. I look for support groups. Not so easy to find places near enough to get to the meetings. Wish I knew how to start a group.

Comment on In Widowhood, Woman Discovered her ‘Song’ by Tanya

Tanya — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 06:30:58 +0000

Laurel, thank you so much for your submission. I lost my husband who was 42 suddenly and I have been doing alright but, certain moments/days are more difficult than others. Today is one of those days. I have been pondering on how I am going to get through this journey with out my best friend and husband. So I thought I would go onto a website to maybe get some inspiration. Well your article inspired me and brought me back to real time. You reminded me that I can do life. Thank you for reminding me that I Am! I Am vital, I Am alive, I Am love and I Am open to life’s possibilities! All I have is the moments and today.

Comment on Father Learns to ‘Walk On’ after Daughter’s Drowning by Phillip Sheneman

Phillip Sheneman — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 20:28:06 +0000

Not sure you get this one? Really? And so the way you decipher it, because Jobs brought up a ton of music on his Ipod he couldn’t Also provide, appreciate and get a ton of vinyl? How will you think the majority of it made it onto the Ipod-and on CDs before that- to start with! Why is there this rush to always try to replace mediums as opposed to allowing them to coexist? Simply because we invented the wheel didn’t mean and we don’t ever wish to walk again and should cut off our legs. Simply because we can fly in a airplane does not mean we don’t desire to drive places too. Hello. Neil Young knows that better than most. He embraces progress in technology as it applies to recorded mediums (his Archives, natch) without eschewing the strengths and quality of vinyl. Why always select a side, choose a team, select a medium? Maybe I love having and taking advantage of more than one option. Why people that fancy themselves so progressive can’t obtain that is beyond me. It’s really a terribly short sighted attitude and yes it ultimately does considerably more harm than good both business wise and artistically.

Comment on Is Six Months After Husband’s Death Too Soon to Begin Dating? by seo

seo — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 18:28:45 +0000

Howdy! Quick question that’s entirely off topic. Do you know how to make your site mobile friendly? My blog looks weird when viewing from my apple iphone. I’m trying to find a theme or plugin that might be able to fix this issue. If you have any suggestions, please share. With thanks!

Comment on A Letter to Suicide Survivors by Kerie Boshka

Kerie Boshka — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 23:21:03 +0000

Hi Amanda. You are the reason I write. The most difficult part for me was finding someone who could relate to what I was going through. The loneliness was brutal at times. Try your best to stay busy, make new friends, and attempt new things. I know it’s one of the hardest things you will ever have to do, but your work will pay off in the end.

My heart brakes for you. As far as things getting better, it is my experience that we have to choose to make them better. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and you WILL make it to a brighter day. I’m so sorry for your loss.

Sincerely,
Kerie

Comment on A Letter to Suicide Survivors by Amanda

Amanda — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 20:27:09 +0000

My husband committed suicide this past December. I find the hardest thing to deal with is being alone and missing my best friend. I have family but they are busy with their lives as I am now 50. I am getting help but only those who have experienced this can understand. I do not have to deal with small children as you, that must be hard as mine is grown. I hope it gets easier as I do not want to live the rest of my life with this pain.

Comment on The Broken Places by Dave Roberts

Dave Roberts — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 16:39:51 +0000

Thank you Cathy. Your support and validation is much appreciated.

Comment on New Year Offers Opportunities for Healing by Cathy Seehuetter

Cathy Seehuetter — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 03:30:01 +0000

Carla, So wonderfully written – thank you for this! Your friend, Cathy

Comment on The Broken Places by Cathy Seehuetter

Cathy Seehuetter — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 03:28:47 +0000

David, A pleasure, as always, to read your writings – you say what we are all feeling so well. BIG hugs, Cathy

Comment on Joy Johnson, co-founder of the Centering Corporation, America’s largest bereavement Resource Center will join Drs. Gloria & Heidi Horsley on their nationally syndicated talk radio program “Healing the Grieving Heart” November 23rd, 9 AM PST/12 Noon EST by Very good Set of extremely well made articles

Very good Set of extremely well made articles — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 08:35:16 +0000

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Comment on In Widow’s World, Living With Purpose is Hard by liz green

liz green — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 15:47:15 +0000

thanks Chris, wasn’t sure you would see my post, since your article was written awhile ago. It just sruck such a cord for me because that is what I am searching for–meaning, real meaning–I guess something else that comes with this territory, is figuring out who I am, and where do I “fit” in–there’s much work for me to do and I know it will take time. I tend to be a big thinker, always was, and sometimes living in your head is a lonely and scary place to be. I am working on moving forward, if someone had used that concept of “move foward” months ago, I would have been hurt and not able to understand that concept. I do get it now , so I know that is a step in the right direction. take care liz green

Comment on The Broken Places by Dave Roberts

Dave Roberts — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 02:03:08 +0000

Hi Alicia:
Thank you for your kind feedback and validation. Please accept my heartfelt condolences for the death of your son. I would be happy to go more in detail with you on examples of how my relationship with Jeannine has continued. I will e-mail you within the next few days to share that information with you as I have several examples.

Take care and I will be in touch soon.

Comment on The Broken Places by Alicia

Alicia — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 17:05:35 +0000

Hello David. Your words always touch the love that I have for my son and the pain that I have for his passing. I am new in this grief journey, about one and a half years. I am learning every day and trying to stay invested in living. I have experienced amazing things and wonder if you can elaborate on what you mean when you say your relationship with Jeannine has continued. I have some ideas but would like to hear from a parent that is further along in this journey than I am. Prehaps this is too private a request and if so I apologize for intruding. If it is not , I look forward to the light you can shed. Thank You, Alicia

Comment on When You Just Can’t Say Good-bye, Don’t: A Mother’s Personal Journey After Losing a Child by Tiana

Tiana — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 04:55:38 +0000

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Comment on With Her Father in the Final Days by Rhonda

Rhonda — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 17:01:32 +0000

Hi Tracey,

When my Dad was in Palliative Care, I read a few books by Maggie Callanan, who is an author and former nurse who specialized in this area. The readings were very helpful.

Writing, as you can also see was very helpful for me. Reach out, ask for what you need and take care of yourself, as well.

My heart goes out to you at this time.

Warmest possible regards,
Rhonda

Comment on With Her Father in the Final Days by tracey

tracey — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 08:15:56 +0000

Thank you for sharing your experience. My Dad is now dying and I am desperately trying to search for something to help me deal with this. I love his so much and miss him before he has even gone. XXX

Comment on Sharing the Experience of being a ‘Twinless Twin’ by Amber

Amber — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 04:27:43 +0000

I lost my twin 3 months after we were born. I am only 17 years old and I am getting ready to graduate without her. I feel this major hole where she should be. It makes me sad because I feel like no one that I talk to can know what I am going through because they haven’t felt the loss of a twin. I feel like I have a connection with her at times that I cannot explain; I only wish I knew how to make that connection stronger.. I want to know how to cope without her being here throughout these major times in my life..It should be OUR life.

Comment on Linda Richman: Healing Through Laughter by Donna Sokolowski

Donna Sokolowski — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 22:50:04 +0000

After reading the Linda Richman, “I’d Rather Laugh” from cover to cover and deciding to reread it, I did a search on her and found this site. I suppose her beliefs are similar to that of a popular video called, “The Secret”. I myself have been trying to fight being bummed after life has thrown me a few curve balls. This could be what has sparked my interest in self help info. I have parallels and objections to some of Linda Richman’s statements but I am a fan and I think as a whole her book was more of a help than others. Since I have given up Facebook, I just wanted to voice my comments here. Lol. I too am a former New Yorker, but only a half Jew. When people ask me which half, I point to my head.

Comment on The Gift that Keeps on Giving by Lynn

Lynn — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 16:36:46 +0000

Nearly nine months in counting since i lost my beloved son. We escaped to Florida for a quiet holiday, but returning home was very difficult.
He remains ever present on my mind, but I still cannot fully believe that he is gone. Your story helps inspire me with hope for the year ahead. Thank you, Carla.

Comment on Extraordinary Experience: Signs from Beyond by Kellie

Kellie — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 02:59:58 +0000

Andrea –
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. My mom passed away on november 8th, 2011. It is the hardest thing I have ever gone through. I think it’s remarkable that your son is communicating with you – you have to believe that he is. I get signs from my mom, and sometimes I believe that the things my son says to me are a way of my mom communicating with me through him. It sounds crazy, I know, but I think it’s crucial for those that are left behind to have those signs…they are what gets me through me day sometimes. May God give you strength during this most difficult time in your life. I will be thinking of you.
~Kellie

Comment on The Broken Places by David Roberts

David Roberts — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 17:48:40 +0000

@Eileen. Please accept my condolences for the death of your son. Our worlds are not and never will be the same after our children die. Many people do not say our child’s name I think for fear that they will upset us. But many do not understand that it is a gift for our children’s names to be mentioned and for them to be remembered. I suggest to parents when they are ready to go to a Compassionate Friends or Bereaved Parents of the USA support group meeting. There all childrens’ names are mentioned and the stories of their lives celebrated

Comment on The Broken Places by David Roberts

David Roberts — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 17:43:33 +0000

Hi Diana:
Please accept my condolences for the death of your son Jonah. I know during the first year to two plus years of my grief,I never thought the broken parts of me would be fixed. In addition to what I wrote in my article, the power of rituals has provided me comfort. As an example, on Jeannine’s angelversary date in March of last year, I played some music that we both enjoyed and kept her in my thoughts. I felt at peace for the rest of the day. Rituals that uniquely connect us to our children, keep their spirits alive and eventually help us find meaning again. Whatever rituals you develop should uniquely reflect the relationship that you had with him on earth.

Comment on Extraordinary Experience: Signs from Beyond by Andrea West

Andrea West — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 14:06:23 +0000

I lost my son on Nov,4,2011 , he is my first born and only son and i am lost with out him , when he left his youngest child was 2wks old and his other daughter is 6 . I have asked why why why and please give me a sign anything , i started hearing his footsteps , his voice but the most amazing thing came on christmas morning ad we did not find it till jan ,2,2011. we always take lots of picture and as usual cam was busy on christmas morning taking pictures of grandbabys in one picture there reflected (to me he seems to be watching from the TV) is my son ,there is no way it is a reflection of anyone here i have retaken pictures from same postition and only way it could be anyone they would have had to been setting smack dab in front of TV and then picture would have never been possable to be taken because picture is clear veiw of TV and no one in house looks like son but there he is in picture smiling wearing his glasses and watching us you can even see the outline of dark shirt he is wearing , it is and will remain the most wonderful present i have ever gotten and if i am lucky maybe we will catch him again in the coming yrs as i count my days down

Comment on What Can One Fear After Worst Fear is Realized? by Mary Swick

Mary Swick — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 05:15:51 +0000

Thank you both. And Sharon, truer words have never been spoken. My faith has never been as strong as it is now, and there is no way that I would have been able to get through even one day if I didn’t have God to turn to. I know now what it means to be carried through hard times, that I can look back at this time on my life and see only one set of footprints in the sand, and never question whose they are. Thank you again, and God Bless You as well.

Comment on The Broken Places by Eileen

Eileen — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 01:53:13 +0000

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I lost my son to AML just about 12 weeks ago. I am finding it very difficult that life seems to be moving on as it was before for almost everyone around me. Most people don’t even say his name. This part I find so hard. He was such a huge part of our lives and will never be replaced.

Comment on The Broken Places by Diana Cullett

Diana Cullett — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 19:45:18 +0000

David,
Your account did hit the nail on the head about being broken. I lost my youngest son Jonah 1-1/2 yrs ago to an accidental drowning at the age of 16. I am still finding it very hard to even think about starting to fix any broken pieces. I am not even sure where to begin or sometimes even if I want to. He was my world. He is my world. I know I am to go on for my other children and grandchildren but at this point it just does not seem like it is even conceivable to think about at this time. So if you have any further pointers on how to starting fix the broken pieces I would sure love to hear them.

Thanks
Diane

Comment on Extraordinary Experience: Signs from Beyond by Jennifer Hawkins

Jennifer Hawkins — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 17:22:32 +0000

I agree. Yes, the world needs this to be general information. Especially the Western world. I think most of the Eastern world already does believe. Not to mention the Native Americans. I’m on a mission to spread the word, the stories and beliefs so that people can heal. I have written a book about my experience of speaking with my husband after he passed. In addition I have a Facebook page “Let the light in – Discussions about communicating with deceased love one’s.”

Please feel free to share your story there, to raise awareness and peace.
Love and Light,
Jennifer

Comment on Does Widower’s Behavior Indicate Unresolved Grief? by Marty Tousley, CNS-BC, FT, DCC

Marty Tousley, CNS-BC, FT, DCC — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 20:34:44 +0000

Dear Ms. K,

I’m so sorry that you’re feeling so hurt right now, but given the situation you describe and the agreement you’ve made with this man “to give him some space,” it seems to me you would do well to honor that agreement. If the two of you came together just two days after he buried his wife, it sounds as if he may have put aside his grief to focus his attention on a new relationship with you. This may have been the only way he knew how to soothe himself. Now, 13 months later, the grief he ignored all this time is demanding his attention. I hope you will encourage him to seek the support of a therapist or counselor who specializes in grief and loss, so he can come to a better understanding of where he is with all of this. In the meantime, I encourage you to learn as much as you can about what is normal in grief, so you’ll have a better understanding, too. You might find this article to be helpful: Woman Nervous about Dating a Widower, http://www.opentohope.com/2009/02/27/woman-nervous-about-dating-widower/

Comment on The Broken Places by David Roberts

David Roberts — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 18:45:50 +0000

June I am glad my article gave you hope . And you are right, many people walk away, and that used to frustrate me so in my early grief. What I have discovered today is that for everyone that walks away there are others who won’t and will be there with you for the long run.

Thank you for your support and validation.

Comment on The Broken Places by June Erickson

June Erickson — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 18:19:29 +0000

Well done, thanks for give those of us newly greived hope and a hand up on this journey! As you probably know so many people walk away….

Comment on The Broken Places by David Roberts

David Roberts — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 18:15:42 +0000

@ Laurie and Julie. Thank you so much for your great feedback. Your comments and insights will resonate with me as I continue my journey. I wish you both peace

Comment on The Broken Places by Julie Aikens

Julie Aikens — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 18:00:57 +0000

Thank you for the wonderful article, it touches the very place I stand. I know it takes time, good days and bad ones. The so many emotions felt a onetime could never be understood by just anyone except those who live it. Bless you and everyone who needs to mend the broken places in our lives.

Comment on The Broken Places by Laurie Dreier

Laurie Dreier — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 17:20:05 +0000

Dave, this is so perfectly said! You nailed it! Thank you so much for sharing this wisdom. I feel better knowing that I’m not the only one that felt like everything I knew and trusted, was shattered. Well, now I know that the pieces remained and could be put back together in a new way, like a stained glass window. Some pieces didn’t fit anymore, so I let them go, but the sun does shine through the new “window” to reaveal things I didn’t know I would see in this new way.

Comment on Alice Wisler: Building Self-Esteem After Loss by Kyler Townsel

Kyler Townsel — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 16:39:05 +0000

Thanks-a-mundo for the blog article.Really looking forward to read more. Want more.

Comment on Extraordinary Experience: Signs from Beyond by Claire Ann Stevenson

Claire Ann Stevenson — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 16:12:41 +0000

What a wonderful story! The public needs to hear these experiences to show that they are not unusual. They give hope and comfort in our times of sorrow that we are indeed eternal, and that love never dies.

Comment on In Widow’s World, Living With Purpose is Hard by C Thiele

C Thiele — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 16:06:42 +0000

Liz-Thank you so much for reading. I am so, so sorry for your loss. Be gentle with yourself and be patient with your process. blessings, Chris Thiele

Comment on Cleaning Out the Closet of a Deceased Loved One by Rachel

Rachel — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 15:09:12 +0000

Barbara -

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me and other readers. You are so thoughtful to share your husbands belongings with others who will appreciate them and have a use for the tools and clothing. Yes, the paper sounds like a challenge — one box at a time, savory the time and the memories.

Comment on The Broken Places by David Roberts

David Roberts — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 14:56:31 +0000

You are welcome Harriet. Our grief journeys are marathons and not sprints. I am a firm believer that with continued grief work, the broken places that don’t mend today will mend tomorrow.

Comment on In Widow’s World, Living With Purpose is Hard by Liz

Liz — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 14:50:37 +0000

Dear Christine, what you wrote about is so true for me right now. My dear husband passed away Aug. 2010. I fell like I am puching a time clock, putting in my time and stuffing another day under my belt. Will I ever look forward to something?, or must I keep finding things to keep me busy, with absolutely no purpose other than to fill time. I feel like I should be thankful for my time on this Earth, but i don’t. thanks for your post

Comment on The Broken Places by Harriet Hodgson

Harriet Hodgson — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 14:17:29 +0000

Thanks for pointing out that grief does not have time frame, Dave. Since my daughter died in 2007 I have worked hard to fix the broken places of my grief. Though my sense of humor has returned I’ve noticed that I’m not as funny as I used to be. Maybe that broken spot will mend itself in time.

Comment on i love and miss my daughter by Cathy Miller

Cathy Miller — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 05:54:38 +0000

Always think that your child is now happy and in good hands. Have faith in God. All is well. Be strong.

Comment on Sharing the Experience of being a ‘Twinless Twin’ by Allison

Allison — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 23:53:41 +0000

Hi everyone,

I just found this site and this article written by Linda. I lost my twin brother Michael shortly after we were born. I have felt a sense of loss my whole life. I am now 30 and after watching an Unsolved Mysteries clip that Elvis Presley was a twin less twin, I realized what I have been feeling. I know Michael is always with me, an angel looking down on me. As a result of our birth I am visually impaired. totally blind. But I feel a strong connection with my brother.

Allison

Comment on Does Widower’s Behavior Indicate Unresolved Grief? by Ms.K

Ms.K — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 19:54:41 +0000

I dated a guy over 21 years ago. We were reaquainted in 2010 by his phone call to me two days after the burial of his wife. We met and things were as if we never parted. Now we have been dating 1 year and 1 months. He has started to grieve and I know thsi because he is pulling away in conversation and our time spent together. What should I do? We both decided to give him space, but it hurts me so bad now . We made a connection that was not expected. WHAT AM I TO DO???

Comment on ‘Daddy Died, Mommy. Are You Going to Die, too?’ by Anne Berenberg

Anne Berenberg — Sun, 15 Jan 2012 18:03:08 +0000

So sorry for your–and your grandchildren’s–loss, Harriet. I’m glad you feel that the article is “right on” and that the steps are easy to follow. You are “right on” that they can be applied to teens as well. Their story will be more sophisticated than that of younger children and the focus is likely to be different, but it is equally essential for them. As are clear routines and the opportunity for meaningful connection to their surviving parent. And that includes taking their legitimate concerns, such as the surviving parent smoking, seriously. I am sure that your grandchildren are lucky to have you in their lives and that you will help them gradually move toward healing and wholeness.

Comment on Cleaning Out the Closet of a Deceased Loved One by barbara

barbara — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 17:34:43 +0000

I am so thankful for this posting. This morning I woke up and have decided this is the day to clean my husbands office out. He passed suddenly January 2011. I just passed the one year mark. The hardest year of my life. I sorted tools in the summer with sons and again with my brother. We set me a tool box up and the rest are for the boys. His best friend fit his clothes perfectly and actually did not have nice clothes as he was a landscaper and wore things to threads. I have saved the my favorite shirts for the memories and a quilt. But the office is going to be so hard. He was a retired CPA and still doing accounting. Boxes and Boxes of papers of people from years back. He also was active in church missionary files and pictures and letters. Ah but I am not alone. God will be with me to wipe away my tears. I will sing and praise God thru this darkness and keep leaning into the light. I know where my sweet husband is. Yes I am so sad but I am not alone. Blessings

Comment on Cleaning Out the Closet of a Deceased Loved One by barbara

barbara — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 17:32:58 +0000

I am so thankful for this posting. This morning I woke up and have decided this is the day to clean my husbands office out. He passed suddenly January 2011. I just passed the one year mark. The hardest year of my life. I sorted tools in the summer with sons and again with my brother. We set me a tool box up and the rest are for the boys. His best friend fit his clothes perfectly and actually did not have nice clothes as he was a landscaper and wore things to threads. I have saved the shirts for the smell and a quilt. But the office is going to be so hard. He was a retired CPA and still doing accounting. Boxes and Boxes of papers of people from years back. He also was active in church missionary files and pictures and letters. Ah but I am not alone. God will be with me to wipe away my tears. I will sing and praise God thru this darkness and keep leaning into the light. I know where my sweet husband is. Yes I am so sad but I am not alone. Blessings

Comment on What Can One Fear After Worst Fear is Realized? by Sharon Sims

Sharon Sims — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 21:39:07 +0000

We grow spiritualty when sad sad things happen to us. I am so glad that you turned to God. He is always their for us in the good times and the bad. The older I get the more I depend upon God and his infinite widsom. Your story
touched me. God Bless You!

Comment on Bereaved Grandmother Turns the Corner on Grief by Nina Bennett

Nina Bennett — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 16:24:23 +0000

Please forgive me for taking so long to respond. Maddy’s birthday was Nov 12, and the winter holidays are always difficult.

My book is titled Forgotten Tears A grandmother’s Journey Through Grief. It is available through the publisher:

http://www.booklocker.com/books/2081.html

or online bookstores such as Amazon

Comment on What Can One Fear After Worst Fear is Realized? by Janelle

Janelle — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 15:36:05 +0000

Thank you for sharing. Far too often instead of turning to God in difficult/very difficult times, we find ourselves questioning God and somewhat lashing out at Him, rather than trusting in His actions. I pray that all of us can learn from your reaction to God’s ations. Thank you again for sharing.

Comment on ‘Daddy Died, Mommy. Are You Going to Die, too?’ by Harriet Hodgson

Harriet Hodgson — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 13:26:43 +0000

Thank you for writing this Ann. It’s “right on” and the steps are easy to follow. After my 15-year-old twin grandchildren lost their mother, they posted a list of rules for their Dad on the refrigerator door. He was so upset by the rules he called me and read them. “What do you make of this?” he asked. I told him the rules, one of which said he needed to give up smoking, were from two children who loved him and didn’t want to lose another parent. Your three steps may be applied to teens as well. Sadly, their Dad died nine months later and my husband and I became their guardians.

Comment on ‘I Want My Dad to Walk Me Down the Aisle’ by Nicole M

Nicole M — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 10:24:11 +0000

just like the rest of you guys.. I’m cheated out of having a best friend, a father.. my brother and sister are lucky all their kids got to meet their pop pop.. when I have kids they will never know.. and idk me and my boyfriend talk about being married someday.. and I’m scared cause when he does ask.. I know I’m only going to worry about how he won’t be there to give me away.. or have our dance.. like my sister got to have.. I feel like everyone got to know him but me.. I could write forever how sad I am.. but I guess I should be going..

Comment on ‘I Want My Dad to Walk Me Down the Aisle’ by Nicole M

Nicole M — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 10:18:30 +0000

memeory* and day*

Comment on ‘I Want My Dad to Walk Me Down the Aisle’ by Nicole M

Nicole M — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 10:14:25 +0000

Hi, I too have lost my father.. and it’s going to be four years this july 9th… I’m only 22, and I wasn’t ready for this.. I’m still in grieving.. I used to never get along with my dad.. Or so I kept it in my head that way.. He made the mistake in life of cheating on my mom.. I always told myself I hated him.. that a father would never hurt his kids and or wife like this.. I mean if you say you love us, you wouldn’t break us.. So anyways.. I guess you can say I always tried my best to keep myself from him.. I blamed him for alot of anger I had in me.. I used to get into alot of trouble, and idk I guess you can say I was a real bad kid.. But the day he passed on, I just totally broke.. I’m still broken. Now instead of being able to hate him and not care.. all I do is think how could I not love him he was my dad.. I woke up to my sister screaming, and found him so cold.. so blue.. and I couldn’t even help him.. I didn’t know what to do.. The EMT’s said they got a heartbeat back, and they ran him to the near by hospital.. Finally the doctors come out and say it was just too late.. He had been gone too long without oxygen to the brain, and that they were sorry.. I hate myself too this ever day.. because maybe I could have saved him if I wasn’t a loser sleeping in.. and cause never told my dad how much I loved him.. or how I think I was such a bad kid cause I wanted attention.. his attention.. being yelled at was better then having nothing.. but I now I see that I could have let him be there for me.. so it hurts me.. My dad died from a heart attack.. and I remember the night before him saying he had heart burn from the food he had eaten.. sausage and peppers.. which mind you no one in my family will make anymore just because they know how much just seeing them hurts.. a year after that I tried to take my life.. My mother was ill and I was just so scared.. I didn’t want to be with out her too.. or alone.. even though I already thought I was, because I was just so depressed.. I was lucky they say to be alive.. that an angel must be watching over me.. god wanted me to live.. after that I went and got some help.. And it worked for a little while talking about it.. and him.. So not long after that I went back to adult school to finish my senor year up, and finally graduted.. and it sucked being up there cause I knew I wouldn’t look out and see him.. If there was one thing my father did for me was fight with me to finish school.. He wanted that the most for me.. So I did that just for him…a year ago I was working in a Good Will and a man walked passed me.. and I just started to cry like it were a chemical reaction of some sort.. it didn’t hit me at first but the man simply smelled like my father.. that old mens cologne.. I said to myself it feels like forever since I had to smell that nasty smell.. but I loved it.. cause it brought me back to him.. and his mememory.. I don’t know how to deal with these things I feel to this dad.. and everything that is bad that happens.. feels like it’s only happening to me.. but it isn’t.. you guys are in the same messy boat I’m in.. I just want my dad back.. and I know I’ll never get that.. I just wish I knew how to deal.

Comment on After 700 Days, a Jury Trial for Man Accused by payday

payday — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 21:07:33 +0000

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Comment on The End of Grief: ‘Are We There Yet?’ by Debra Reagan

Debra Reagan — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 10:18:00 +0000

Harriet,
Thank you for your words of comfort and encouragement. I am sorry about the death of your daughter. The age of the children does not matter to a mom’s heart. They were and will always be our children.

I think your idea of Action Memorials sounds like a wonderful way of honoring your daughter’s life. I would love to hear more about it. Our children will live on in memory through us and others that love them.

Gentle Hugs,
Debra Reagan

Comment on The End of Grief: ‘Are We There Yet?’ by Harriet Hodgson

Harriet Hodgson — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 19:17:49 +0000

Debra, I am so sorry for your loss. Though our children were different ages when they died, your son at 20, my daughter at 45, we have common thoughts. More than four years have passed since my daughter died, yet grief can still catch me unawares. Two decisions have helped me immensely. One is something I call Action Memorials. I focus on some of my daughter’s positive traits and make them part of my life. For example, my daughter had a marvelous sense of humor, so I gave myself permission to laugh more. In 2012 I have decided to focus on decisions that would make my daughter proud. Like Action Memorials, this keeps my daughter in my life. You and I are both here, alive, and I think we should make the most of each moment.

Comment on In Widowhood, Woman Discovered her ‘Song’ by Joan

Joan — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 04:33:17 +0000

Thank you for your submission. I find it so rewarding that on certain days when I am struggling yet again with the loss of my best friend, my husband, and “learn” something from deep within myself, I later read something that confirms what I learned! As an example, I came to yet another conclusion today that all I really know that I have is this moment. Yesterday is over though memories keep my warm but sad, and I know what I would like for tomorrow (to be happy) but I learned today that I have to try to make the most of this moment. And bumping into this site tonight just to gain insight in how to steer through all this, I find you have written exactly what I “learned” today. Thank you so much. You and others here have helped me to realize I am really on the right path and all the insights I gain from somewhere deep inside myself should be accepted and followed. I look forward to learning from you and others on this site.

Comment on 10 Years After Brother’s Suicide, Sister Remembers by Anonymous

Anonymous — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 23:53:56 +0000

My father died of suicide 10 years ago in FEB. It feels like it’s been a life time since he left. But then again, it doesn’t feel like it’s been as long as it has. Not sure if that makes sense? For years I searched for the why? Why would he leave me? I’ve blamed myself for quite sometime. But I recently came to a realization. My father’s death had nothing to do with me. It was from growing up in a very abusive home with a mentally ill mother. I always wondered, didn’t he love me? Wouldn’t that make him stay? But now I know, he loved me very much. He just made a horrible mistake that can’t be undone. I believe if he could take back his decision and be here on earth with me, he would. But he is in a better place now, away from his insane family. I feel like I should be over his death by now. It’ll be 10 years in about a month, and the pain is still very much there. I only cry once and a while, but I’ll think of him multiple times a day. I miss his voice, and his smile. Then there are the moments when I think — I wish my dad was here, it’d be so great to have him here. Such as moments when I having a holiday with his family. I wish everyday that it could’ve ended differently. That someone could’ve walkd in on him, before he shot himself. But I guess everythng happens for a reason and I just take it day by day. Thanks for sharing your storing it was very touching. Kind of funny my father’s name is also Keith. I love and miss him with all of my heart. He’ll always be a part of me <3 I one day hope to become a psychiatrist to help people like him, maybe to help myself understand his decision better, and to prevent more suicides from happening. I don't want anyone else to go through the pain of losing a parent- or anyone to suicide. It is one of the worst experiences one could experience and I certainly wouldn't wish it upon everyone.

Comment on A Skeptic’s Journey Through Grief by Elisa Medhus

Elisa Medhus — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 15:22:45 +0000

Of course I’d love to help you. A lot of your questions are answered in the blog entries so I hope you go through them all but email me questions and I’ll answer what I can. emedhus@gmail.com

Comment on A Skeptic’s Journey Through Grief by Jenny

Jenny — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 14:25:46 +0000

Hi Elisa,

Thanks so much for this, i went on your blog and started reading, if i could ask one question, in having lost a child myself: Do they know when they are going to die, is it a path they have chosen for whatever reason? Is it true that a soul cannot leave this earth without their permision? My little angel was born with a life threatening condition, and after a long hard fight, we made the difficult decision to terminate life support, and i guess i just need to know why, why did she choose this for herslef? or is everything just luck of the draw? I hope you and Erik can help with some answers. xxxxx

Comment on Explaining Grandmother’s Death to a Toddler by Duane Sembrat

Duane Sembrat — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 09:41:33 +0000

Handy writing

Comment on Christmas Grief: Tips for Enduring After a Child’s Death by Chris Mulligan

Chris Mulligan — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 06:44:10 +0000

Shirley,
You are so welcome. I am glad that the idea resonated with you and I hope it is helpful for you and your sisters and all the healing of the relationships.I hope it brings you all some comfort in the coming year. Many new years blessings, Chris

Comment on Son Sends Signs that He’s Never Far Away by Chris McGowan

Chris McGowan — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 00:49:12 +0000

Patrick: Thank you for sharing your story about Lance sending such a visible sign — it gives me hope. I yearn for such a tangible sign from my son, Jonathan, who was killed at the age of 19 in October of 1995. My husband died very suddenly at age 48 nine months after Jon. In this weak economy, to save processing costs I’d even greatly welcome one message from the two of them. I will continue to live in hope.

Comment on Son Sends Signs that He’s Never Far Away by Marty Tousley

Marty Tousley — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 18:31:10 +0000

Patrick, my dear, my own baby David died three days after he was born (many years ago). Your beautiful story touched my heart and left me in a puddle of tears ~ until I got to the final paragraph, and now I am smiling. Thank you for writing this and sharing it with all of us ♥

Comment on Online study of grief-related experiences, feelings, beliefs, and meanings by Rachel Hibberd

Rachel Hibberd — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 13:11:32 +0000

Dear Angela and Tami,

Thanks so much for your interest in the study. If you would like to participate, you can do so simply by clicking the link at the end of the announcement.

If you have any additional questions, please feel free to email me.

Take care,

Rachel Hibberd

Comment on Website Updates by hidden object

hidden object — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 09:36:27 +0000

interesting articles about psychology

Comment on Online study of grief-related experiences, feelings, beliefs, and meanings by Tami

Tami — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 06:27:49 +0000

Interested in the study.

Comment on Finding Peace in Your Breath this Holiday Season by Coralease

Coralease — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 03:07:04 +0000

T’Wanda, it was great to have a connection with you, through this blurb on the website. I know the holidays are still difficult for you. Do let me know how the breathing exercises work for you. All the best to you and your family in 2012.

Comment on Online study of grief-related experiences, feelings, beliefs, and meanings by Angela Jones

Angela Jones — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 03:02:37 +0000

Lost my Soul Mate 11/15/08 would be interested in knowing more about your online study. Thank You…

Comment on Finding Peace in Your Breath this Holiday Season by T'Wanda Cox

T'Wanda Cox — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 19:54:50 +0000

Hi Coralease

it was a blessing to find someone close to me when i searched was to deak with grief i will start using this. God Bless you and thank you

Comment on Poem: A Thousand Words by alfred beilin

alfred beilin — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 21:32:12 +0000

if anyones on here today hope yous had a nice xmas and heres to the new year
alfred beilin

Comment on Grief and Loss During the Holidays by liz

liz — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 08:38:31 +0000

Thank you for this article. My older brother, who was 32, passed away earlier today on New Year’s Eve. A health nut, it seems he died of a heart attack. I’m so sick to my stomache right now. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep and he is one of five of children (myself included). I’m so numb right now, because I couldn’t make it home for the Christmas Holiday, but he flew in to town. Thank you for this article, because I’m deeply grieving and am looking for some glimmer of hope, not only for myself, but my family. Thank you.

Comment on Finding Daughter’s Purse Restarts Grief Four Years Later by Harriet Hodgson

Harriet Hodgson — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 13:28:31 +0000

Thank you for this post, Kristin. I am truly sorry for your loss. As we have both discovered, little things in life can be real grabbers. Fortunately, my twin grandchildren keep me motivated and moving forward with life.

Comment on Grieving, She Tries to Accept the Emptiness by Alyse Hart

Alyse Hart — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 06:16:18 +0000

Endings followed by voids can be such a dark place. Although we all hope we can
skip right over to the other side few things are a fruitful as time spent really sitting with those feelings of loss and not trying to fix it or make it go away.

Thank you for your candor about grief because it’s not always tied to the passing of someone but rather the many little deaths we survive. Loss of friends, a job, family, our looks, our fertility, youth, hopes and more. Grief is such a taboo subject and I appreciate all that you’ve said.

Comment on Finding Daughter’s Purse Restarts Grief Four Years Later by Kristin Hinson

Kristin Hinson — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 02:37:56 +0000

Hi Harriet,

Some times it is the littlest things that bring all the emotion back like it was yesterday… I lost my son and only child in a wreck too just before he graduated high school in 08. I slammed through the firsts that year with a speed of a wrecking ball due to the family circumstance. But when I would find a small part to a toy he played with under a table or something when he was younger then I would break down all over again. The littlest things often mean everything to us because there is no future to look forward with our lost loved ones. Thank you for sharing this with us, and since I just found this site I will be back. I too am writing a blog but am no professional by any means, but it has really helped put things into some perspective. Hugs and hope…

Comment on Grieving, She Tries to Accept the Emptiness by Wendi Knox

Wendi Knox — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 04:46:10 +0000

Thank you for writing about this Gemini. I, too, have let go of some dear female friends lately who, for one reason or another, just don’t feel like a good fit anymore. Even though I know it’s for the best, there is definitely sadness involved….empty spaces when I feel their lack of presence in my life. And yet, as you have, many new phenomenal women (like you!) have entered my life. And although I don’t have the history
with them, we seem to share so much soul connection and instant recognition of being members of the same tribe.
Your post made me feel like we’re all in this together. Thank you for that and your divine honesty.
Love,
Wendi

Comment on A Sign From Mom at the Holidays by Ann Hodgman

Ann Hodgman — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 01:36:55 +0000

Oh, Megan, that is beautiful! I have had a “game” I play every year at Christmas. We have always had a tree in the church we attend. Now it is the Addison Community Baptist Church at the 4 corners. Earlier it was the United Methodist church in Vergennes. Wherever we are at Christmas I find at least one of the ornaments is moving. Many years ago I decided that it was Danny letting us know he was there with us. The last couple years there has not been much movement on the tree but he is getting older and probably not up to jumping around as much. . . Like your feather, it has always brought me comfort over the season and through out my life. Thank you for sharing.
Love,
Ann

Comment on We at Open To Hope wish everyone at Apple, the Apple faithful and his family a heartfelt message of hope and healing by Dillon Dienes

Dillon Dienes — Wed, 28 Dec 2011 03:25:58 +0000

Amazing post! I initially found your blog a week or so ago. Keep up the great work.

Comment on Christmas ‘Gifts’ Never the Same After Sister’s Death by Beryl

Beryl — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 20:01:43 +0000

Thanks! I’m glad it brought positive, loving thoughts of our sisters.
Beryl

Comment on Christmas ‘Gifts’ Never the Same After Sister’s Death by jacky

jacky — Mon, 26 Dec 2011 07:28:32 +0000

This was very beautiful .my older Sister also passed away but the precious memories with her will always be the best gift, she was a blessing and ike sure our Sisters are in heaven smiling down at us. Hugs!

Comment on Weekend Retreat Topic: Eleven Principles of Transformation by Saim

Saim — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 07:09:58 +0000

I humbly respect all the efforts that bloggers are making in a n effort to give people balance emotional life.One thing for sure if every one would follow this there would not be any emotional attack on that person and that thing is living in the present moment and not thinking anything of future and past. extracteur d'air

Comment on Losing a daughter to cancer by Christy Gale

Christy Gale — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 05:45:04 +0000

My story is similar to all of yours. My first born son passed 10 days ago on Dec. 13, 2011. He would have been 26 on Jan. 8, 2012. He was diagnosed w/Testicular Cancer in Jan. 2008. He was in remission for 2 yrs. 8 mo. For the past 12 months he fought fiercely. The numerous surgerys, chemotherapy, etc. The only way I can describe the pain I feel is when I gave birth to him I had no idea I could love so much. It’s the same as his death just opposite, I had no idea I could hurt so much. The ugly memories in my head from his battle w/cancer is haunting. I am blessed that I could hold him when he took his first breath and I was holding him when he took his last breath. We also have dealt w/medical errors and lies. I have forever changed and I know I have to stay strong for my other 2 sons. But my heart has a mountain on it.

Comment on Widower Ponders What to do With the Ring by kelvin

kelvin — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 18:23:07 +0000

Reading all these story’s are all so sad, When you lost a loved one, You feel no body understand’s the pain your going though,…
On 18/04/2011..After 3,1/2 years with my girlfriend we were married it was such a wonderfull day, Happy, Proud, so in love, we were starting out on our own road of happiness….23/08/2011.. My wonderful beautiful wife, just 55 years of age Died of cancer, we were married for 4 months and 5 days,..before my wife died, She gave me her back name, I wear this name in my passport, tax papers, all documents..with pride, love, and honer..A little bit of my wife lives with me every day. No one and no body could every take my wife’s place. we live’s by the word’s “We are as one, We stay as one” Two heart’s beat as one”..i am 49 year’s of age,… I only hope i never make old age, we were not alond to have a long, happy marriage on this earth, but we will in the afterlife..God bless you Mary, Never stop loving you xxx

Comment on Using Loss as an Inspiration to Help Others by Beth

Beth — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 03:52:21 +0000

Thank you so much for sharing this..it caught my attention as the date posted is the 1 year sadiversary of when I lost my young hubby, also in a vehicle accident.

After the first 2 weeks of too much attention (total strangers were demanding to come in an have ‘coffee’ with me. (How does imposing your company on a new widow show compassion?), I never heard from anyone – not even my fellow church members. The pastor came a couple of times to pass on the following messages then never heard from him again either.

Can I just say that many Christians do not understand the idea of ‘embracing’ grief. I had my pastor tell me things like “Are you over it yet? People are wondering.” (at 2 months out) or “You should grieve like a Christian.”(at 4 months). When I questioned this it was because I refused to hide my pain and ‘pretend’ to be happy again. He wasn’t impressed when I told him that Jesus showed great emotion at the death of Lazarus when He was resurrecting him in the next 5 minutes so I didn’t think Jesus had an issue with me being sad when it could be 40 years until I see my love again.

I’m thankful that I too have Jesus in my life because without Him I would have been totally alone. I am grateful for the online widow group I found it was shocking to find out how few people understood my situation or even cared. But I’m not sure I’ll ever return to that church.

Comment on Unplanned Hope by Irma Mata

Irma Mata — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 05:00:04 +0000

What a touching story. Thank you so much for sharing.

Comment on Christmas Grief: Tips for Enduring After a Child’s Death by shirley

shirley — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 00:12:30 +0000

Thank you Chris. I love the idea of a photo album. I can put together an easy to handle album for Mom. We have all the old pictures Mom saved through out the years…I’m sure she would enjoy seeing all those old pictures again. In fact, it could be a fun activity for my sisters and I to do together. Mom may even want to help us.
Thank you also for saying I’m compassionate and caring towards my Mom. Mom was one of those Mother’s that always put her family first. She gave so much of herself for all of us, loving her and caring for her seems only natural for all of us.
Again, thank you for the idea. I’m excited to share it with my sisters.
Bless you
Shirley

Comment on Suicide Leaves Family Struggling to Cope by Negin

Negin — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 12:14:45 +0000

Dear Yvonne,
Thank you for sharing this article. My brother recently committed a suicide. I have been devastated, thinking what could I have done to stop it. All of this seems so unreal to me. Seeing my parents so broken is the worst part. I know life will continue but also will never be the same. My brother was depressed for many years. Sometimes I think he is not suffering anymore but the whole idea of suicide is very painful.
I really wish both our families find peace and hope again.
Negin

Comment on Five Years into Widowhood, Life Goes On by Paula

Paula — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 11:49:53 +0000

Linda,

Your writing touched my heart deeply, I too feel the pull and ache that you speak of. Thank you so much for sharing this. And, it is comforting to know that there are others who after five years – what seems like an eternity still feel the loss, heartache, and grief that we feel. Again, thank you for sharing this beautiful and loving piece of your heart with us.

Comment on Christmas Grief: Tips for Enduring After a Child’s Death by Chris Mulligan

Chris Mulligan — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 06:42:11 +0000

Shirley,
I am so sorry for mother’s loss, your sisters’ loss and the loss you are feeling due to your sister’s death. I am also sorry that you have to be dealing with so many levels of various issues at the same time while trying to find time for your own loss. Some of her conflicting issues make your planning quite complicated. Ordinarily we do have new responsibilities/roles as our parents age but your situation is definitely a bit different and I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for you.

You sound very caring and compassionate toward your mother, her needs and her issues. It sounds like you are fulfilling a need for her to be heard (you allowing her to cry) and mentioning your sister’s name to her. This IS comforting her.

I would suggest making up a photo album for your Mom of her life which definitely includes all of her children, activities, pets, associations,homes, friends, whatever describes her life. You could cut out magazine pictures along with family photos but showcase her life and children. This could give her an outlet to discuss her feelings about Sandra, it would encourage the facility caregivers to allow your Mom to talk about her feelings, it can create wonderful sharing opportunities between you (and/or your sisters) and your Mom, it could be a therapeutic tool to address her speech and short term memory issues and (I know) it will be one of the best methods of creating positive memories of your time with your mother as time progresses. Beyond this, by having something tangible to hold and review from visit to visit, you will create opportunities to discover other helpful ideas or activities for your Mother based on her present reaction to the pictures or discussion. This can be a springboard for other ideas to help her.

It sounds like you are doing many activities to help her already. Although we all wish we could help remove someone else’s pain, most people say that being present and listening are most helpful. Take care of Shirley too. Wishing you grace, Chris

Comment on Christmas Grief: Tips for Enduring After a Child’s Death by shirley

shirley — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 16:52:16 +0000

Hi Chris,
Thank you for some great ideas. My situation is a bit different. I’ve searched this site, along with some others, trying to find ways to help my Mom with her grief. My sister, Sandra, was murdered in September 2009. Sandra was 58 when she died. My Mom was 80 years old when Sandra died. Mom suffered a stroke in 2004 and was forced to move into assisted living in 2008. The facility we found for her is wonderful. They pray with Mom, involve her in as many activities as they can. Mom’s short term memory and speech were greatly affected by her stroke. When Sandra died, my other two sisters and I decided to only tell Mom what she needed to know. We knew she would read some things in the newspaper so we more or less played it by ear. We told her Sandra was murdered. A few days later we were forced to tell her she died from stab wounds to the heart, since it was being reported in the newspaper. Of course, Mom took the news terribly. Through her tears the only thing she could say was ‘why, why’, why’. A few days after Sandra’s death when I was hugging Mom before I left, she said to me “it should have been me”. It’s sad. It’s hard to see Mom so sad. She doesn’t speak well and has a difficult time articulating her feelings. She often cries and when I ask her why she’s crying she will respond with ‘I don’t know.’ Between the three of us sisters, we see Mom at least 3 or 4 times a week. We take our grandchildren to visit as often as we can; they seem to brighten her up. My other two sisters aren’t comfortable mentioning Sandra around Mom. I mention her often. Mom will sometimes tell me she misses her. Other times I can get Mom to tell me stories about when we were little girls. I don’t know what else to do. I want to comfort my Mom. I want to take her pain away and I know I can’t erase it. Any ideas on what else we could do for her? This has been really tough for my sisters and I.
Thank you,
Shirley Wiles-Dickinson

Comment on Five Years into Widowhood, Life Goes On by Linda Moore

Linda Moore — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 16:47:19 +0000

My husband passed on 5 years ago, November. This makes the 6th holiday season without him. We had been married for 30 years, and it was love at first sight and I was only 16 when we met and 17 when we married. This year seems to be very hard again. I wrote the following this year around our aniversary.

I CAN FEEL THE PULL

He’s calling me, I can feel the pull.

“Come be with me, my darling, my sweet. Cross over and be with me.”

But my anchor is deep here with the living, yet my heart still aches.

I can feel the pull of our love of souls still joined. I don’t seem to be able to sever it, and start anew.

But I need to stay, fight the ache for love, and find a new partner.

I can still feel the pull. “Come with me, and the pain will be gone.”

But I can’t. My earthly dreams are yet to be fulfilled, they anchor me here.

I can feel the pull both ways stretching me trying to dislodge me to fall one way or another, to sever me from one realm or the other.

But I still wake each morning wondering about the master plan. How much longer will I ache?

I still feel the pull and because I ache, I know I’m alive to face another day.

This greiving is like a choppy sea. Some waves larger then others, but you know you will glide down the other side sooner or later, you just have to batton down the hatches and hold on. Well, I’m holding on. I know I will be gliding down the other side of the wave soon.

It was great to read that I am not the only one who after five years, doesn’t find this an easy voyage.

Comment on Dennis Apple; Learning to Cope After Loss by hair oil

hair oil — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 18:43:24 +0000

Excellent site. Plenty of useful information here. I’m sending it to several pals ans also sharing in delicious. And certainly, thank you to your sweat!

Comment on Why Does Alzheimer’s Effect People Differently? by Hershel Nagarajan

Hershel Nagarajan — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 08:13:16 +0000

Thanks for this news its good information!

Comment on Turkey Talks: Thanking the Man Who Comforted Brother by Scott Mastley

Scott Mastley — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 17:11:10 +0000

Thank you for your kind comments.

Comment on Sandy Fox Publishes Book to Help Parents Dealing with Child-Loss by Anna Marie

Anna Marie — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 21:35:31 +0000

Grieving is the hardest part of ones life. It is not easy loosing someone dear to us. Strong emotional support is very important to someone experiencing this stage. Anna Marie Blog: escalier hélicoïdal

Comment on Don’t Let a Loss Make You Give Up Your Dreams by Rebecca

Rebecca — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 23:09:21 +0000

Thank you, Ruby. It is hard to reconnect, but I think it is the best outcome to honor ourself, our loved one, and life. Rebecca

Comment on Negotiating with God, Dreaming of Chocolate Cake by Carmen

Carmen — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 03:13:34 +0000

Thanks for this, Lizzy. what a comforting and beautiful account of Gary’s transition. I hope mine is as pleasant when the day comes.

Comment on Can I Believe My Mother is in Heaven? by Lauren Muscarella

Lauren Muscarella — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 20:38:09 +0000

Hi Miriam,

Thank you so much for your kind words. I’m so glad to here the articles are helpful. Please feel free to reach out to me any time.

Much love,
Lauren

Comment on Seven Years Later, Coping With the Anniversary of a Death by Harriet Hodgson

Harriet Hodgson — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 14:42:52 +0000

I am deeply sorry for the loss of your sweet Katie. Four years have passed since my daughter died and I can still be surprised by tears. Like you, I decided to accept the pain of loss and work on creating a new and surprising life. The biggest surprise for my husband and me was becoming guardians of our twin grandchildren. They were 15 years old when they moved in with us and turn 20 in February. This year’s Christmas card is a photo of our new family. Usually I write a letter to go with the card. Not this year. The photo of our happy, smiling twins says it all. What a blessing!

Comment on Alcoholic Families Create Legacy of Loss by Penelope Wesley

Penelope Wesley — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 06:21:07 +0000

change in email address
penelope_wesley@yahoo.com

Comment on 20 Tips to Manage Grief During the First Holiday by Barbara Rubel

Barbara Rubel — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 02:39:34 +0000

Mary,
I am very sorry about your mom’s death and it saddens me to learn that your brother died by suicide. This time of year is not easy when coping with loss. You are right about suicide being different from other deaths, especially those that are not sudden and unexpected. When my father shot himself I struggled with the holidays. The 20 things I wrote about were suggestions from those bereaved by suicide. They come from members of my suicide support group. The suggestions are just that… suggestions… and most can be done alone unless the person wants to do them with others. I agree with you about support groups for those bereaved by suicide. I attended one after my dad killed himself and I think it was most valuable. I then facilitated a suicide group for several years. So many people don’t understand the unique loss of survivors. I am just glad that there are sites like these that give people like us a place to share our loss and write about how we feel. Thanks for you comments. I hope our paths cross in the future.

Comment on 20 Tips to Manage Grief During the First Holiday by Mary

Mary — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 00:51:40 +0000

While I appreciate your list of these 20 things, and I did a lot of them after my mother died 10 years ago, suicide is a different matter. I am dealing with my brother’s suicide and many of the things you mention involve talking with other people — and it has been my experience that people just don’t want to talk about suicide. I suggest finding a suicide support group . . . you will find like-minded people and not beat your head against the wall trying to find people who understand the difference between losing someone in the course of things and losing someone by his or her own hand.

Comment on Grief Following the Loss of a Beloved Pet by Angela

Angela — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 21:40:15 +0000

Thank you for writing this article. I lost my beloved Jester kitty 5 days ago and the pain is horrible. He was 18 1/2 years old. People tell me “He had a wonderful long life with you” but I wanted much more time with him. Like the comment above, I was giving my Jester fluids for kidney failure, every other day for the past 6 months. He perked up amazingly well at first but got slow again the past couple of weeks until he suddenly declined instantly and died literally seconds from an emergency vet. I still beat myself up with guilt. I should have gotten him to the vet faster. I should have drove faster. I should have had a better vet. What if something they did or didn’t do allowed him to die? Logically, I know that his kidneys were failing and we were lucky to have this extra 6 months together. I spent over $2,000 within two months this summer on all of the initial vet visits and testing when they first diagnosed him. I know I did my very best in every way but still… it hurts so bad. He was my constant companion, literally following me everywhere and climbing into my lap when I sat down. I spent every possible moment I could with him these past six months and cried many, many times at the thought of not having him there with me but nothing could have ever prepared me for the extent of this pain.

You are right about the unconditional love. Jester went through boyfriends, a husband, many moves and many job changes with me. I had him from 23 years old to a month shy of 42 years old and he was always there for me through it all, helping me get through the bad times and always there to share my joys. He meant (still means) more to me than any person ever has. I feel different, like I will never be the same again, and my life feels so much poorer without Jester beside me.

Comment on Dr. Pepper Provides Sign from Beloved by susieg

susieg — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 21:37:31 +0000

I think the can was definitely a sign. I know it’s hard to grasp they can do something physical like that, and I am not sure how it is done, but I can tell you a pair of reading glasses were on my table that were not there the night before. I live alone. I don’t believe I have had a sign after that so I think that was meant to be the “clincher” if I had any doubt…I totally believe in signs. None of us “knows” what is after death. Why not believe the best?

Comment on Memory Loss During Grief by Angela

Angela — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 21:22:15 +0000

Thank you so much for sharing this. I am so sorry for your loss. Reading this helped me to know that I’m not crazy for going through this memory loss. I really like your notebook idea.

Comment on Father Learns How to Deal with Holidays After Daughter’s Death by Dave Roberts

Dave Roberts — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 18:56:13 +0000

Thank you Robin for your kind words. I always get up in the morning and thank God for giving me another day, because I have as you have learned that there are no guarentees and that life is indeed a gift. The challenges will always be there for me but as long as I keep working and look at life and death differently, I will find meaning.

Comment on Grief Styles: Women Verbalize, Men Internalize by Helikopterflug

Helikopterflug — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 08:21:38 +0000

Well that’s just the norm as women typically are always the talker and men would be the listener. I’ve never seen a couple where the man talks endlessly while the poor woman just listens there mindlessly. Humans I guess are wired that way?

Comment on My Dog, Tally, Died by Lucy W

Lucy W — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 05:48:09 +0000

My cat Millie was killed by a car a few years ago, i could still remember the pain I felt then. I felt really guilty then because I didn’t lock the flap door up that night, and she got outside. Now I have a golden retriever, Ella, and she is a great comfort to me.

Comment on Father Learns How to Deal with Holidays After Daughter’s Death by Robin Craig

Robin Craig — Sat, 10 Dec 2011 01:29:16 +0000

What a beautiful article that exudes wisdom. We learn through our losses that life is fragile and a gift. As time passes and the grief process progresses, we think and feel more deeply. Holding on to precious, happy memories as you mentioned, help us feel better. Finding our way is not easy, but sharing the lessons learned are a positive way to move forward. Thanks so much for sharing.

Comment on Father Learns How to Deal with Holidays After Daughter’s Death by Dave Roberts

Dave Roberts — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 23:16:26 +0000

Thanks Laurel for your great feedback and best wishes.

Comment on Father Learns How to Deal with Holidays After Daughter’s Death by Laurel

Laurel — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 17:15:02 +0000

What a powerful piece you have written, with so much wisdom-learned in it. May your journey be sweetened by the peace you have found within. Warm regards, Laurel

Comment on Suicide Leaves Family Struggling to Cope by Anne Dionne

Anne Dionne — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 18:11:02 +0000

Thank you for sharing this very touching article, Yvonne. My heart goes out to you and Michael’s family. As time goes on, I hope his family will find peace in the beautiful memories of the happy and strong person Michael was during his lifetime. As a bereaved mother myself of a young son who died suddenly in a tragic way, it comforts me to remember his joyful childhood and the beautiful memories while not defining his life by the tragic end.

Comment on New Life Begins with ‘One Good Moment’ by Sabrina Reyes

Sabrina Reyes — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 15:34:53 +0000

If this is the same Michael I went to Moriches Elementary with and was in my 5th grade class I am so sorry for your loss. He was my friend.

Comment on The Presence of My Child’s Absence is Everywhere by Mike B.

Mike B. — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 09:56:24 +0000

Hi, I’ve been researching this topic for awhile and I must say the information is great. Thanks!

Comment on Dealing with Special Days: Anniversaries, Birthdays and Holidays by Marty Tousley

Marty Tousley — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 20:32:18 +0000

Oh Harriet! What an absolutely lovely idea! I’m so glad you added it to this list, and I’m sure your priceless gift to your family members will be treasured for generations to come!

Comment on Dealing with Special Days: Anniversaries, Birthdays and Holidays by Harriet Hodgson

Harriet Hodgson — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 17:39:29 +0000

What a wonderful list of suggestions, Marty! I have followed many of them. Several years ago I made a memory cookbooks for the five families in our family tree. The cookbooks contained selected recipes from my deceased mother-in-law’s collection. It began with an introduction, which included a Nana story, and noted that the recipes were reproduced just as she had written them. On Christmas morning I was so excited about the memory cookbooks I could barely contain myself. My feelings proved to be true. “Favorite Recipes from Nana’s Recipe Boxes” were a hit and they have become true keepsakes. When family members make these recipes they feel connected to Nana.

Comment on Do We Ever ‘Get Over’ the Death of a Child? by Quyen Enslow

Quyen Enslow — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 01:37:49 +0000

A fan moves air regardless of what it was originally designed for.

Comment on Suicide Leaves Family Struggling to Cope by Deb Kosmer

Deb Kosmer — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 00:24:45 +0000

heartbreaking and beautifully written Yvonne. I am sure it will touch and help others.I have not personally had a loved one die by suicide and hpe I never do. I have however during a time of deep depression in the past struggled personally with the thoughts so have some inkling what it is like for those who contemplate it or complete it. Blessings to you.

Comment on Don’t Let a Loss Make You Give Up Your Dreams by Ruby Starheart

Ruby Starheart — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 19:01:01 +0000

Dear Rebecca
Thank you for sharing the loss not only of your brother but also of your life’s dream. It is good to see that you are now writing, that you have come to a place where you can connect with your dream again. The death of a sibling or child is a shocking event and is often a lifechanging moment, although we may not realise this at the time. For many people it is not possible to go back to their ‘normal life’ and your advice on looking withing to find what you would love to do is great. By reconnecting with ourselves after such an event enables us to discover what really matters to us, what our life passion is.
I wish you much success with your writing!
Blessings for your journey
Ruby

Comment on On a Night in December by Ruby Starheart

Ruby Starheart — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 18:49:39 +0000

I hadn’t heard of this date as a worldwide memorial date for children who have died, so thanks for sharing this information. And a very beautiful poem.
Blessings
Ruby

Comment on Releasing Anger While Dealing with Loss by Gerard

Gerard — Sun, 04 Dec 2011 12:07:50 +0000

I am sorry for the passing of your sister. Mine, too, passed away on Novermber 17, 2011. She was only 55 yrs old. She died of pancreatic cancer. I am so angry right now that I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m her older brother and I thought I was the next to leave this Earth..not her! Your couselor was correct in giving you that advice of not crossing the line. So, what is there left to do? Maybe build something and keep my mind occupied. Work seems to be a ‘saving grace” from most people as I had spoken to a few in our situation. Be well.

Comment on Widow Struggles to Open Her Heart Again by Ric

Ric — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 05:19:49 +0000

It’s been 10 years since your passing and I still find myself with a heart filled full of our love. You were taken from me so unexpectedly. Not sure where all the time has went? I feel you still so close to me my darling. Just can’t seem to take the time to open my heart again, maybe I am just afraid to feel vulnerable. So I do not let anyone get close. It has taken many years to be without you. I am managing everyday. Is it possibly to just keep your true love yet remain unattached and unavailable?

Ric

Comment on After Mom’s Death, Daughter Struggles With Dad’s Girlfriend by Peggie Gwenn

Peggie Gwenn — Sat, 03 Dec 2011 00:10:03 +0000

I’ve watched … I’ve watched several of your videos tonight. Fabulous job. This is step choreography for the real world- it is a exact blend of fascinating movements but not too complicated. Some of the step videos I see online would seem to warrant a degree in dance in order to stay on it- much less teach it. Thanks so much for thoughts that I can easily transfer to my classes.

Comment on Son’s Spirit Lives on in Piggy Nation by Harriet Hodgson

Harriet Hodgson — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 13:35:19 +0000

Thank you for posting this and using your talents to help others. I have often thought about the changes that have come to my life after my daughter, Helen, died. Helen was a team player, a giver, a stand-up comic, a person who marshalled her intelligence and courage when things went wrong. Though she is no longer physically present, I continue to learn from her spirit. I have said things I never thought I would say, done things I never thought I would do, written grief resources I never thought I would write. Yesterday I sent a query letter and samples of my work to a publisher. It’s a long shot, I know, but when I returned from the post office I was excited. Helen is cheering for me, I thought, and I won’t let her down. I wish you all the best with Piggy Nation.

Comment on Self-Forgiveness is a Key to Healing by Catherine

Catherine — Thu, 01 Dec 2011 21:24:50 +0000

My friend recently lost her 3 year old to drowning, she is constantly blaming and torturing herself as though it was her fault. She keeps replaying the day, if she had only done something different. I have commented on not blamimg herself, telling her its not her fualt, she needs to let go of the guilt. Not sure if I should say any of these things but I know thats what she needs to do. It may be to early for her to do that, not sure really what to do or say around her. Thank you for your post, it is helpful.

Comment on After Death Contact Keeps Wife Connected to Soul Mate by Paula

Paula — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 16:07:02 +0000

Irwin, I’ve been where you are, I’ve been in that dark place of despair, and I’ve felt I couldn’t go on too. It’s not easy to pull yourself out of that place but believe me you can. When I felt that way I told my husband how hard this was for me, I cried like I had never cried before, and I prayed. I prayed for the strength to survive, I prayed for God to help me get out of this dark place of lonliness and despair, and I prayed for Him to put joy in my heart once again. I made myself keep busy, I painted walls, I pulled weeds and worked in the garden, and I kept crying and praying. Eventually, I found my way, it wasn’t easy dealing with the lonliness but I knew that I had to. I do work full time so that got me out of the house during the day, the weekends and holidays were the hardest – but my heart told me that I needed to go on, and I knew that my husband would be by my side… Finding something to fill my time was essential, it helped me cope with the long dark days. I threw myself into my writing, and I know that helped me a lot. The gapping wound in my heart continues to heal, the scar will always be there, but the love that we shared will never leave me, and that is what keeps me going each and every day that I am here without my husband… I miss him every day, and that will never change…But I know we will meet again, and that comforts me when I am down. I do understand what you are going through…being without the love of your life will be the hardest thing that you have to do, but I believe she is still by your side trying to help you get through get through the lonliness… Stay strong, my healing thoughts go out to you… Sometimes speaking to someone about all of this helps, there are a lot of support groups and counselors available, that is always an option to consider because despair and depression effects all areas of your life including your physical health. My heart goes out to you…like I said, “I’ve been there…and I know what you are going through.”

Comment on Bonnie Carroll; Families and Military Loss by Aleisha Treisch

Aleisha Treisch — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 15:43:00 +0000

The very best way of measuring a man’s honesty isn’t his income tax return. It is the zero adjust on his bathroom scale.

Comment on After Death Contact Keeps Wife Connected to Soul Mate by IRWIN DRESNER

IRWIN DRESNER — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 14:52:23 +0000

It has been over 2 years since my wife passed away. I am totally alone in this world. The pain of loneliness is killing me. It’s worse than my bloodly days in combat. I haven’t got a soul as I grow old. I truly do not know if I can go on any longer without my wife.

Comment on Remembering Alexandria: A Personal Story of Perinatal Loss by Amy Daly

Amy Daly — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 15:11:19 +0000

Hi Rockette~ Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry about the loss of your precious daughter. I have known your fear. Experiencing the loss of a baby forever changes one. It does get easier. Please do be gentle with yourself and know that others have walked this path and survived. I will keep you in my thoughts this holiday season.

Gentle hugs to you~

Amy

Comment on Remembering Alexandria: A Personal Story of Perinatal Loss by Rockette Haberlack

Rockette Haberlack — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 14:49:56 +0000

Amy – I just read your Roses in December article in the newsletter I get from the NYS Center for Sudden Infant Death. My family lost our third daughter, Jessica, to SIDS AUgust 17, 2009 at 3 months. At the time my other daughters, Alyssa & Mikayla, were 3-1/2 & 2, respectively. Jessie was to be our last child and the completion of our circle. The loss of of precious girl was beyond anything I can describe. After a long 7 months her death was classified as SIDS with no explanation. She was perfect in every way. Even though its been a long 2 years I connected with your article on many levels but mainly on the points of being gentle with myself & the longly for my child. I can’t imagine how I will feel 12 years from now. We now have another beautiful daughter, Lindsey, who is two months old. Our decision to have another child was quite difficult and my fear is crazy right now. I have a great husband & kids, had grief therapy, supports groups & a very supportive family base, but I have never been so scared of everything in my life.

Just wanted to let you know that your article touche!d deep into my heart. Thank you

Comment on ‘Normal’ Grief is Unique for Each Person by shirley

shirley — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 13:17:53 +0000

Kim,
Very well said, kudos to you. I find myself saying “I’m fine” often. When really, I am trying to figure it all out. I’ve changed my response to “I’m okay, working on better” when I’m talking to someone that is a little closer to me.
Thank you for the great read.
Shirley

Comment on The Gift that Keeps on Giving by Ingrid Otter

Ingrid Otter — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 00:05:56 +0000

Thanks Carla, I too love hearing your ‘voice’…. You teach me so much with this journey we are on. You put into words what I try and do to continue forward with the people that are here, while honoring those that have passed too soon!!!!!!

Comment on Dr. Pepper Provides Sign from Beloved by mml

mml — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 20:25:11 +0000

That’s a really sweet story. My head tells me I shouldn’t believe in signs too but my heart wants to so I just accept them if they come to me. I hope that if I’m wrong that God won’t punish me for accepting them. So anyway I say I believe that Dr. Pepper was a sign.

Comment on The Gift that Keeps on Giving by Janet Macy

Janet Macy — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 01:36:47 +0000

What a wonderful article. About 25 years ago I did something similar. I could not stands having Christmas without my 16 y/o brown-eyed son. My daughter and I flew to upstate NY to spend Christmas and the New Year with my parents and siblings.

It was a mistake. I was in a fog and as you said I “was not conscious so how could I be present”. Not only that, I worried about my husband the entire time. He had stayed home with his father.

I remember sobbing my way into the new year. How could I possibly live a year without my son.

Right on. We have to know what will ‘set us off’ and counter act it.

Loved this.

Comment on The Gift that Keeps on Giving by Sandra Blowey-Curry

Sandra Blowey-Curry — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 01:12:19 +0000

Carla, once again I am in awe of your memories and perceptions! I wish I could remember like you do and maybe sometimes you wish you could forget like me. I wander through life with so much of my past forgotten but one thing I have never forgotten is when Kevin died.
You were being a parent taking Amber to Disneyland you wanted her to have some fun and hopefully she did. I am like many others, I go through life in my own little bubble. I was blind to your struggles trying to get through the day without Kevin by your side. I was dealing with the loss of my marriage and wasn’t awake enough to be much help to you, I am sorry.
It is hard to believe that it has been so many years since Kevin has died, but he is not forgotten by any of us. He is and always will be remembered by me!

Comment on The Gift that Keeps on Giving by Triss Critchfield

Triss Critchfield — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 01:04:07 +0000

Thank you for writing this, Carla. I love hearing your ‘voice’. You have given me much on this painful journey, with your book and amazing workshops. My heart is grateful to you!

Comment on The Gift that Keeps on Giving by Deb Kosmer

Deb Kosmer — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 00:31:34 +0000

This is a wonderful article Carla.

Comment on Bereaved Grandmother Turns the Corner on Grief by Sheila Gray

Sheila Gray — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 06:25:53 +0000

thank you for validating my crazy feelings. there is mention of your book – what is it called and where can i get it?

Comment on Bereaved Grandmother Turns the Corner on Grief by Nina Bennett

Nina Bennett — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 15:38:24 +0000

Sheila, I also had a firm theoretical grounding in bereavement, and it didn’t help at all. My son and daugher-in-law withdrew after Maddy’s stillbirth. I felt isolated in my grief, I didn’t know where to turn.

It absolutely, unequivocally, is not fair that we should bury a child or grandchild. It defies the natural order of life.

Comment on Bereaved Grandmother Turns the Corner on Grief by Sheila Gray

Sheila Gray — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 15:07:35 +0000

is this the right website to ask for updates from each of you and find out how you are all doing? if not is there one? our stories have such similar threads of pain. hoping for a response, Sheila

Comment on Bereaved Grandmother Turns the Corner on Grief by Sheila Gray

Sheila Gray — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 04:07:39 +0000

Our daughter in law was 6 days overdue and woke up bleeding. Doctors decided to do a c section as safest for Mom and baby but before they could, she haemorrhaged. our granddaughter was born without a heartbeat. they revived her and she was on life support in intensive care. the joyous call we were waiting for became the horrendous “you can come now – it is not hopeful” We flew there and were able to spend time with our beautiful granddaughter. 36 hours later, she was taken off life support and died in the arms of our son and daughter in law a few hours later. there was too much brain damage for her to survive. our son had asked us to go home before that happened – they understandably needed time alone with their daughter. We have not seen them since – they feel they can’t be around our grief when they have so much of their own. we have to respect their boundaries and wishes even though my instincts scream that family should be together and support each other.
our granddaughter would have been 3 weeks old today. they had 3 miscarriages in the previous 2 years and really deserved a happy ending this time. IT IS SO UNFAIR.
i was a Hospice grief counsellor for 10 years but all the knowledge and experience doesn’t help. i can really relate to feeling abandoned by God. i feel like “what God” We prayed so hard during the flight, begged to be taken instead. it is so hard. I am glad i have found your web site to write out some of the pain. i know you understand as noone else can.

Comment on Yearning for Certainty in an Uncertain World by Caren

Caren — Sat, 26 Nov 2011 02:39:11 +0000

It is so comforting to know that Even though God allows grief and loss, he is able to see us through it all.We face loss and grieve at one time or another. We need to remind ourselves that grieving is not a weakness or lack of faith, but a psychological necessity. Grief is a normal human process that all of us experience at one time or another. When we handle grief well, it can be therapeutic. By sharing grief with others, it can help us cope with it better and help the grief to diminish with time as we work our way through it.We need to name our feelings and go through the grieving process, walk through the center of our grief and not just tiptoe around it. We need to remind ourselves that grief is the price we pay for love, when we feel the loss of a loved one. All of us are less than perfect and blaming ourselves and the person who has died will not be a solution. We can learn to share our grief, manage it, learn from it and use the wisdom we have gained to help others in similar situations. Some tend to deny their grief and this does not solve the problem. Some anxiety is not necessarily a bad thing, but if it lasts too long, it is an indication that the grieving person needs some help
http://www.judeop.org/pe_grievingourlosses.htm

Comment on Grief Styles: Women Verbalize, Men Internalize by Faltenbehandlung

Faltenbehandlung — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 12:29:28 +0000

I couldn’t agree more with you there Vicky! Women do tend to be chatty at times and that’s where men come in, to lend their ears and listen. That what makes a relationship great and continually it’ll continue to be that way.

Comment on Helping Children Cope with Grief during the Holiday Season by Suzy

Suzy — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 13:21:49 +0000

Thank you for sharing your story and advice. What a terrible tragedy for your twin grandchildren to endure. How blessed the twins are such wise and thoughtful grandparents. My heart goes out to you too. We hope you’ll continue to find ways to make the holidays memorable and happy once again in spite of the grief everyone is in.

Comment on Despite Husband’s Death, He’s ‘Always There’ by Lin

Lin — Thu, 24 Nov 2011 03:44:48 +0000

Just dropped in to say, I know there is much anguish when the one you loved the most is the one who killed the one you loved the most. It happened to me, and I will never be okay with it, I’m filled with grief and anguish and I don’t sleep well. I sleep not enough or too long; I want to be dead too.

I want to make everything okay again, and I can’t. I’m trying to accept what has happened and I feel responsible because I let him leave the house that night, which he often would do. I just never thought he would never come back. I will not ever be able to get past how he suffered under the treatments of medical professionals who didn’t know what they were doing.

I did have an experience one morning about three weeks after it happened; I tell myself it must have been my fevered brain trying to comfort itself, because I grieved so hard. It was truly an experience I can’t really describe, but as I awoke, I felt his presence quite plainly as though he was within me. I felt this for several hours and I stopped being in pain temporarily because I was not alone. I felt him enter me through the back of my neck, it was like soda bubbles. He suddenly was there, and I felt such euphoria as I have never felt before, and I thought, this is what you feel after you die. It would have been too much for any living person to feel for any length of time; it is reserved for pure spirit and not for living humans. But I got a taste of it, oh my…it is beautiful. His message, which arrived with pure thought form was, don’t worry about me, I’m free now like I never was while I was alive. I’ll be watching out for you, if you ever need help I’ll be there for you. That was the message he sent. How wonderful is that?

Comment on Orioles and Wood Ducks: Birds of Hope by Fantastic

Fantastic — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 15:34:11 +0000

Each and every once in a while we select blogs that people go through. Listed below are the latest sites that people select.

Comment on The Holidays: Plan, Set Boundaries, Smile by Fantastic

Fantastic — Tue, 22 Nov 2011 15:33:55 +0000

Fantastic tale, believed we could mix several unrelated information, however really worth taking a look, whoa did 1 learn about Middle of the Eastern has got much more problerms as well.

Comment on Cliffs Notes for the Beginning Griever by Sally Grablick

Sally Grablick — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 16:14:50 +0000

Shirley,
I’m so glad you found it useful! That was my intention when I created “Cliff Notes for the Beginning Griever” – to get it into every single household. I’m grateful to the “Open to Hope” Foundation, for posting my article and helping me to spread the word!
Have a safe and Happy Thanksgiving,
Sally

Comment on Cliffs Notes for the Beginning Griever by shirley

shirley — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 14:00:18 +0000

Dear Sally,
I absolutely love this article. In my opinion, it should be printed and sent to every single household in America, perhaps along with the next census forms!
Thank you so much for sharing this.
Shirley

Comment on The Gift that Keeps on Giving by Carla Blowey

Carla Blowey — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 19:29:40 +0000

Thanks Neil for making the corrections!

Comment on Dr. Richard Dew: Surviving the Death of a Child by Homicide by Cathy

Cathy — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 03:47:53 +0000

I am posting this in the hope that I can help someone. I lost my only son Anthony, who was 21-year-old college student in 2005 due to a brutal murder at a local McDonalds in Land O’Lakes, Florida. He was strangled to death by a military man for nearly 4 minutes and never arrested. The delayed call for 911 produced a Deputy that did not respond properly to the situation and believed the lies of two perpetrators, who were intoxicated and admitted to being in the military. They poured beer on the body and claimed our son was drunk. The Deputy called off EMS, which was across the street, ignored our son’s civil rights to life, wasted so much time and protected the criminals due to their military status. The state attorneys called it “Excusable Homicide” and blamed the crime on my son, the deceased victim without going to a Grand Jury. The killer had a violent past and tried to strangle a fellow student and gut out his girlfriend with a knife. The same Deputy knew him from this previous incident and refused to arrest him at that time and now quieted him from speaking in her squad car at this crime scene, again protecting him because of his military status.

We have been dragged through the courts and after winning a civil suit for one million dollars in 2009, a rooky judge took it away and the jury verdict was ignored. The jury came out in tears and gave their verdict, the highest verdict in Pasco County. However, the ruthless McDonalds attorneys immediately appealed the verdict and persuaded the rooky female judge and the Appeals Court took her side preventing us from appealing and called it a mistrial allowing the McDonalds attorneys a new trial all over again. It was devastating watching the unfairness and the horrible facts of this murder with such contentious and unethical conduct by the Defense attorneys. They had no remorse or compassion for our son or us. These high paid Corporate Attorneys from McDonalds with unlimited resources continue to this day to manipulate the laws and torment us for over 6 years not wanting to settle for a decent restitution in order for us to be able to fund a Foundation in memory of our son. The crime could have been prevented if the employees reacted on time when they saw the two military guys threaten and approach and pursue our son in the drive thru. In addition, it could have been prevented if there would have been a security guard at this 24-hour high school hangout known for criminal activity. There were faulty surveillance cameras and no training for emergencies and the owner said he would serve drunks as long as they paid for their food. He was more concerned with profit instead of safety. The employees all stood around watching the murder and even turned away a Good Samaritan that wanted to help our son. They even went back to serve customers ignoring this horrible murder. Even to this present day, the owner has ignored this violent crime and has made no corrections for the sake of public safety.

I have been unemployed and ruined financially and emotionally and these ruthless McDonalds attorneys have no conscience and continue to persist and torment and want to take us through another trial. They have filed a judgment against us as grieving parents and if we do not accept their tiny offer of $50,000 each than we risk being liable for over held a million dollars to pay their exorbitant fees. Their tiny restitution does not even begin to pay our attorney fees and the costs that we have incurred. They have manipulated the laws in their favor to prevent us from getting a fair trial and the courts are on their side. We continue to suffer without our son who meant the world to us and are abused and tormented by the unfair laws and the legal system that protects criminals and punishes the victims. If there is anyone out there that can relate to my story, please contact me for I want to start a Foundation and try to make a difference somehow. I want to prevent this from happening again and we cannot allow military trained killers to get a free pass on murder. They will be releasing many of them soon and the public needs to be aware of this huge problem. I need to hear from those like me that have fallen between the cracks with no one to help or listen and who have suffered this type of extreme injustice. Write me at cuddlepow@comcast.net

Comment on Guilty! Sister Comforted That Murderer is Confined Forever by Rebecca Guevara

Rebecca Guevara — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 15:47:14 +0000

Well written and said for what I’m sure has been awful. I hope it brings you more peace.

Comment on An Uncertain Truth by Linda Jurging-Pereda

Linda Jurging-Pereda — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 15:36:29 +0000

Amazingly honest. I have met so many people of faith (those ‘raised in the word and its promises’) who even in raw grief refuse to verbalize the doubts they have when their prayers have not been answered as expected. A wise person who had spent most of his life in the clergy said to me, ‘real faith tolerates doubt’. By voicing anger at God for the disappointments we feel, we further verify God’s very existence in our own hearts. By proclaiming doubt, we help to make that anger more tangible, therefore bringing to the surface the honesty in our relationship with God. Thank you for your words. The description of the pain and how life surrounding us keeps going as we are nearly paralyzed with fear and foreboding is right on target.

Comment on Cleaning Out the Closet of a Deceased Loved One by Shine

Shine — Thu, 17 Nov 2011 11:32:09 +0000

A very touching topic. It’s a good idea to donate some stuff to non-profit groups. I’m sure a lot of people could benefit from this. There is just the question of the “when to do it.” That’s a good advice that was mentioned too, not to be hasty in giving things away.

Comment on The Gift that Keeps on Giving by Carla Blowey

Carla Blowey — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 23:06:01 +0000

Hey Folks it looks like only half of my article was uploaded to the site! It sounds a little disconnected because it’s not all there to read! I’ve notified Neil so hopefully it will be corrected asap
Thanks!
Carla

Comment on The Gift that Keeps on Giving by v ogle

v ogle — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 16:48:39 +0000

There are no mistakes in grief. Your decision made sense at the time. Be kind to yourself and know your experience may not be how your family experienced that “mistake.” Two years after my son was killed, I am realizing I don’t want to celebrate anything but feel obligated. My mother is terminally ill and my dad is feeling his age. Will this be their last? Will this be the last holiday for any of us? What do these holidays mean?

Comment on How Can I Be a Compassionate Caretaker? by Stan Goldberg

Stan Goldberg — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 22:53:37 +0000

Thanks for your kind words Chris.

Take Care,
Stan

Comment on How Can I Be a Compassionate Caretaker? by Chris Mulligan

Chris Mulligan — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 22:20:22 +0000

Thank you for this beautiful article. So true, life is full of choices. Using your words, I am so grateful I did not choose to run away from the disease for fear of what I might become. The lessons I learned while journeying through Alzheimer’s disease with my Mother are not uncommon for anyone who chooses to bring the sharp points closer. Thank you for illustrating this so well for so many.

I am so looking forward to your book Leaning Into the Sharp Points in the Spring.Thank you again for your beautiful words… Chris

Comment on Five Years into Widowhood, Life Goes On by Paula

Paula — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 20:49:45 +0000

My heart and soul resonate with your words, “It is a struggle trying to find my place in life again.” Yes, I know only too well about that struggle. After six years of trying to find my way I can say that I can see a glimmer of the woman I once was. I can feel her strength returning, and I can see her broken heart mending, scars have formed over the huge holes of loss that were once there, scars that she can now accept… Yes, Joyce, your grief has given you wisdom as you express what all of us who have lost the love of their lives have felt. Yes, it is a struggle trying to find our place in life again… but, one day you will feel your strength returning, you will see your heart mending, and you too will see a glimmer of the woman you once were…

Comment on Five Years into Widowhood, Life Goes On by Joyce

Joyce — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 18:55:21 +0000

I lost my husband to lung cancer 3 months ago today. I happened to come upon this website while searching for something else. Thank you for putting into words what I can not. Every time someone says “how well” I seem to be doing after the lose of my husband, I want to scream that they do not realize what a struggle it is to get through each day. The worse is how people tend to ignore that he lived. While I realize that I can not live in the shadow of someone who has passed on, but I do find comfort in keeping his memory alive. It is a struggle trying to find my place in life again.

Comment on The Unique Nature of Sibling Loss by Brianna

Brianna — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 02:09:37 +0000

On July 11th, 2007 my 18 year old brother was killed in an accident. He was on his motorcycle on his way home from work when someone didn’t see him, cut him off, and struck him. I was 15 at the time. I am now older than my big brother was when he died and it was never supposed to be that way. I’m left with a piece of my heart missing. After four years, his death is still hard to accept. I miss laughing with him, arguing with him. Everything.

Comment on ‘Splendor to Offset the Gloom’ – Even After Childloss by roseanne onofrio

roseanne onofrio — Sat, 12 Nov 2011 22:33:48 +0000

I to have lost my son, it was 2 years in sept, Time has no meaning to me ,i guess because the future has no meaning , I know I will go on with each passing day, but will never feel the full impact of life again.He is in my thoughts all the time, i am so afraid of time passing I don’t want his memory to fade ,but how could it

Comment on ‘Splendor to Offset the Gloom’ – Even After Childloss by Katherine von Alt

Katherine von Alt — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 23:13:02 +0000

John, as the difficult journey of loss of beloved child (a son for me as well) continues, I find some comfort and “joy” knowing that your writing continues as well. Another piece that through its creative poetic nature expresses in words, that which there are no words for, better than most. Much gratitude- Katherine

Comment on Finding Daughter’s Purse Restarts Grief Four Years Later by Ruby Starheart

Ruby Starheart — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 19:52:38 +0000

Hi Harriet

Thank you for sharing this. I had a realisation as I was reading this article and that formed the inspiration behind the blog I have just finished writing which will be published on my website on Sunday (I already had one lined up tomorrow!): http://www.loving-transformation.com

Love and blessings
Ruby

Comment on After Mom’s Death, Daughter Struggles With Dad’s Girlfriend by Ella

Ella — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 11:57:43 +0000

Dear N,
How sad your letter makes me! Perhaps your father would do well to read some of these letters. I cannot fathom what causes grown adults to behave like children in a sweet shop when they lose their spouse.
Firstly, I speak as an Englishwoman married to an American who has only recently after almost 25 years of marriage taken joint citizenship! I have to tell you that although Britain is a first world country there are many people who see the U.S as a golden ticket. Although both countries are going through economic difficulties if you are able to work and are not reliant on welfare there is in general a higher standard of living in the U.S. Naturally, I know there are exceptions to this rule but I speak in general terms. When we married we decided to make a go of things in the U.K as I was closer to my family than my husband was to his but people acted as if we were crazy to stay here! I tell you this because it may not be a mail order bride situation but it is true to say that lots of folk would want to move to the U.S.So in answer to your question “What kind of woman would fly to the U.S…”-Many Brits would! It was and is possible for British people to buy houses in Florida and rent them out through an agency. For the price of a large house in the U.S you could get a tiny place over in the U.K You just get “more bang for your buck” in America. We are a tiny island and so property prices will always be high even now when property and land has dropped substantially. There are people in the U.K who have never worked and who live in what is called “council housing”which would be social housing in the U.S
I am not casting doubt on this woman or saying she is financially motivated. However, I think it is fair to say that even if she is comfortable financially,which seems unlikely judging by her age, that an opportunity to move to the U.S or even go for an all expenses paid vacation would be seized with open hands.
One thing I must emphasise to you is that you have nothing at all to feel guilty about and the fact that you are is as a result of your father’s behaviour.
I mentally slapped myself about the head striving to gain acceptance of my terrible situation. I told myself that I could never forgive myself if something happened to my father too.It worked somewhat in that I tried as hard as I could.
However, this woman is a fair weather friend and has proved to the world her worthlessness. My sister and I took my father to hospital yesterday for eye check ups and tests and we were there about 7 hours not including travelling. While we were in a coffee shop he took the time to be checking his phone to call this woman. She will not go to hospitals with him as she doesn’t like waiting around.My father says he is grateful to us but cannot comprehend the irritation and annoyance his behaviour causes. All those years of trying to cope because I didn’t want him to be alone were wasted. He proved he was a lousy judge of character and that once he had committed himself to her he would not let go. Now when he truly needs her she is not willing to be there. She had him stay with her for about a year because she was scared of losing control. After attacking my sister we could not visit at her home. He resented being taken out for visits almost as if he felt we were at fault. He is pretty much alone now anyway. Sometimes she doesn’t see him for 3 weeks at a time. I wish people could see that jumping feet first into a relationship at an emotionally vulnerable time even if they think they are ready for it can have devastating consequences not only for the rest of the family but ultimately for themselves.
I feel so sorry for you. Thanksgiving is such a strong family time and you are still reeling from your loss. It would be appalling enough to celebrate without your Mom but to have a young girl thrust upon you is just too much.
Your husband sounds lovely and supportive and it will be hard for him to witness your pain and to know he cannot prevent it. I do not know what I would do without my loving husband’s support. After all this time he is good and angry about the way I am treated in order for my father to maintain good relations with this unworthy woman. He sees my distress and is powerless to act. Your choices are agonising ones. I cannot emphasise enough that there may well be a case of self-preservation here. Your father says “talking with women online” makes him feel better. It could be argued that not being forced to entertain this stranger on an important family holiday would make you feel better!
I think one thing my life has taught me is that emotional maturity is not age dependent. People of all ages show complete selfishness and display the behaviour sometimes associated with petulant teenagers!
Your counsellor’s attitude is beyond comprehension! My husband and I have two beautiful and healthy adult daughters. There is a 4 year age difference between them as we lost 2 babies due to miscarriage. It is so unspeakably insensitive to tell people that the pain and grief they are dealing with could be worse. For me expressions such as “You’ll have more”,”There was obviously something wrong with it”,”At least you already have a child” beggar belief. You have every right to be feeling absolutely appalling right now having lost your Mom and with everything going on with your father and being told that you should cheer up because things could have been worse for your Mom is so uncaring. All you will be wanting is for your Mom to still be alive and well and for your Dad to be be with her and for all this never to have happened. If someone lost a leg would we feel we could say “Cheer up at least you still have one!”
The only practical suggestion I can make at this time would be to let your father know exactly how you feel. Not by talking to him — doing that means you have to let him talk back or pretend he is tired or distracted or not well or busy or whatever it takes to not listen (most likely piling guilt on you). Just send him a link to this webpage. Of course, you are taking the risk that there will be a family split and you will get the blame. But if you don’t, you’re taking the risk that in 35 years you’ll end up where I am — with a family destroyed by his selfishness and sham relationship. However …. and this is the reason these men get away with this … there is a chance that you could just sit back and the situation will resolve itself, this “relationship” fails, he gets hurt, he learns his lesson, and never does it again. These are the only options I see — and it is a tragedy that they all mean the most pain is experienced, as always, by the innocent party. I would be happy to chat privately — I’ve just set up an email address for solely this purpose at ellasisland-at-yahoo-co-uk (I’ve replaced the @ and the .’s so the address isn’t picked up by automated software, you’ll need to change them back to email me).
Thinking of you and understanding where you are at!

Comment on After Mom’s Death, Daughter Struggles With Dad’s Girlfriend by N

Fri, 11 Nov 2011 08:58:50 +0000

Like others have mentioned many times before in the comments, I too am glad that I am not alone in my feelings of anger, sadness, and guilt. My Mom passed away on July 21, 2011 from a long battle with colon cancer that ended up returning and metastasizing all over her body after one short period of remission. I was sitting with her overnight when she passed away, and cannot get the events out of my head from what happened (no matter that the grief counselor I have seen says I should be “happy” because from what I’ve told her, “she didn’t suffer like others I have heard of”). My parents were married for 29 years, and I am the oldest in the family (28) of three children. I am married and living about an hour from my parent’s house.

I honestly did not know that after the funeral and her burial that I could ever feel so much pain inside again. It’s been over 3 months since she passed and it still feels like I relive it at least once a day. I grew up feeling that my father was an intelligent, kind and warm gentleman who attends church every week. He was supportive with my Mom, but also caused my Mom some pain and sadness towards the last few months of her as he simply could not understand why she would not eat. It was because of the cancer that was growing all over her body.
Within a few weeks after losing my Mom, my father started talking with women online for “friendship” and “companionship”. He lives alone and works in a very good job. He travels for his job and since I am going to school full time now, I have been house sitting for him while he is gone. Needless to say, he’s been talking exclusively with one woman who is from the UK and is about six years older than I am. The picture he showed me showed a beautiful girl that looks about 19. Every time he has mentioned these other “women” he is talking to, I just feel like dying inside. He told my younger sister that he has already grieved for his wife and is ready to move on. I understand and accept that. However, my grief is still fresh and often debilitating. I am torn between supporting his decision, and speaking honestly: it’s too soon.

Well, earlier tonight, he called me and told me that this woman is flying from London to Chicago and is coming to stay with him…tomorrow through Thanksgiving “or sometime”. He was very nervous during the entire conversation (like he has been since he started bringing up about talking to these women). He is planning on having some woman, who he has only met less than 2 months ago on a chat messenger program, stay in the house and attend our Thanksgiving family function (the first one since my Mom passed away, which is almost too hard to bear right now). To say I was shocked beyond words is an understatement. I told him kindly, and honestly tonight, that I am not interested, nor do I want to meet anyone at this time- the pain is too much. It seems that tonight, my world was shattered all over again after his phone call. I am worried for more than a few reasons: one being that what kind of “woman” will fly to the US after meeting someone “online” less than 3 months ago? Apparently, she has family (or was originally from) Florida, and he mentioned going to visit her family at some point. I think the part that hurts the most is after I told him how I felt, he continued on to tell me that this woman will be staying, “most likely past Thanksgiving”. I almost swallowed my own tongue after hearing him say that. I am now very upset and can see the future ramifications if he continues on this “break neck” speed. I would feel more comfortable with him dating, even if he set up a local profile on eharmony to meet for a date within the large cities he lives by. I would even approve of someone who is from our church- not some stranger who feels comfortable enough to fly over on a whim to visit an online friend or whatever so quickly. My father nervously said, “You know- this isn’t a mail order bride situation or anything, you know” and laughed nervously. I think at some point, my ears and brain stopped listening and corresponding after he dropped this bombshell.

Thank you, Ella, for being able to put into words the impact this has on the immediate children and future generations. I understand that my father needs companionship, but I do not feel that it would be too insensitive to ask him to please wait just a bit longer, even a few weeks longer- so that we can at least get used to the idea. My sister, brother, and I only were told one month before she passed that my Mom was going to die. She and my father hid the severity of her initial diagnosis of stage iv for almost the entire illness (until it was undeniable). I strongly feel that like a teenager who gets his heart broken for the first time, he is clinging to someone TOO QUICKLY. I am afraid he is going to make a mistake that will cause a rift in our already hurting family. At this point, I am already now considering not attending Thanksgiving if she will be in attendance because the pain is still too great, especially for the first holiday without my Mom. I feel that bringing her around a family function this soon is very unacceptable. Just thinking about this makes me feel sick.

I never expected my Dad to be alone after my Mom passed, but I sure didn’t expect him to suddenly turn into “Mr. Bachelor” and constantly discuss these women he is talking to, showing us their pictures they have sent him on his smart phone, and even dropping vague hints that he has met up with some of them while traveling for work. I am finding myself angry with him and frustrated. My husband even commented to me tonight that he feels uncomfortable with the fact he is constantly bringing up about talking and meeting other women. I am trying so hard to listen to him and be there for him, but he only talks about these new women- and it’s breaking my heart. I don’t want to have to cut him out of my life, but I am very angry with him for choosing his own happiness right now over his adult children, who are aching for his support. He is clearly uncomfortable talking about any grief that he is feeling now but says, “talking with women online” makes him feel better. This is why I feel guilty- because I want him to feel better. But it seems that for right now, what makes him feel better is pushing our family apart.

I read every comment on this page and for those that are in the same or similar situations – I feel your sadness, anger, and pain.

Comment on Widow Fears Sharing Thoughts of Suicide by Marty Tousley

Marty Tousley — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 16:18:17 +0000

Dean, my friend, I don’t know how you came to realize that you are “not supposed to get over” your beloved wife, but I’m awfully glad you did. As you have discovered, death may have ended your wife’s earthly life, but it has not ended your relationship with her. Your relationship has changed, from loving her in her presence to loving her in her absence ~ but it certainly has not ended. Your beloved will continue to live in a special chamber in your heart and in your mind, just as long as you keep her memory alive.

Comment on Mother Seeking Help for Military Son With PTSD by tina gordon

tina gordon — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 04:10:21 +0000

my Son Sean died four yrs ago. He witnessed his friend who was beheaded in the helicopter blade accident. He served four years and was highly respected. When he got out of the Navy to raise his son he spiralled and ultimately died of a drug overdose. The military never diagnosed him properly and he suffered from severe PTSD. He left two children behind along with a loving family. He was the light of so many people’s life. If our children are going to support the military why is there noone to help them when they get out. My second son is a top Navy Intelligence officer and i fear everyday that he will someday have problems that the military wont address. please let me know what has been done to better the treatment for our military who are suffering from ptsd….

Comment on Widow Fears Sharing Thoughts of Suicide by Dean

Dean — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 03:50:30 +0000

I completely understand.I lost my wife of 42 years 2 years ago. I have brief periods where I think I am okay, but suddenly the pain and emptiness comes roaring back. I go to bed at night hoping I won’t wake up and wake up wishing I had not. I was never lonely in my entire life until I lost her. I am not lonely for people , but only for her. I, too, simply exist waiting to die. I know I will never get over her and will love her forever. Believe it or not when I realized I was not supposed to get over her, that she was given to me to love forever and that we are still bound together, it helped a little bit.

Comment on ‘Happy’ Holidays? Not for the Newly Bereaved by Donna Kukura

Donna Kukura — Thu, 10 Nov 2011 02:29:25 +0000

Well written article and timely for the season!

Comment on After Mom’s Death, Daughter Struggles With Dad’s Girlfriend by Ella

Ella — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 09:41:22 +0000

Hi,I was just re-reading these posts and I wanted to address some of the points made by Todd Paxman in posting 54.
No one could fail to see the pain and suffering Todd has endured.My husband’s Dad shot himself when my husband was 14 so I know the huge impact this would have on the children and those left behind. No one could fail to feel for the terrible situation in which you were left.
I did want to address a couple of points.
You say you cannot know how you will feel in the future and so you cannot predict how you will feel so when people say things like “I will never accept it” they should not forecast their future emotions. I think it is true to say,from my experience, that when loss is handled with gross insensitivity the impact of that causes a person not to trust the perpetrator again. In your case the perpetrator was your wife so perhaps with work you would learn to trust another again. In most of these cases the person inflicting the additional trauma is the parent who is flushed with joy at having found someone new and is not open to the fact that his emptiness has been filled while his family is still grieving.It seems they cannot wait to force the person on their family and present ultimatums for non-compliance.
Even if this new romance proves long- lived and even if the person turns out to have an admirable and loveable character- the damage has been done. The family has been told by word or deed that their pain and suffering is secondary to the new romance. All the things they believed about their parents lifetime of loving are shattered. These things may be forgiven but a person cannot erase the pain from their memory unless they have memory loss. The pain may fade but it will not go away. Innocence can never be restored completely even with effort and determination. Your children’s pain and feelings of abandonment will probably always remain with them even if never alluded to.
You also say that there is no definitive objective timescale for someone moving on with someone new. On this point I beg to differ. My father was communicating within days or weeks with this woman. She lived a distance away but was staying at the house 10 weeks after Mum died; I was 13. I defy anyone to say that this does not demonstrate an obscene lack of decorum and sensitivity. The speed with which these relationships begin seem to be often at break-neck speed and you are wrong to say you cannot say “how soon is too soon?” If what I do causes distress to those around me then for that I am responsible. Yes, certainly more culpable if you ignore your young children’s feelings but also for in-laws and adult children too. True you may carry on regardless of their pain and there is no law which says you cannot but for this failure in good judgement there will be a penalty in the shock and lack of trust that will ensue.
I wish you well and hope that your pain is healing and that your children are coping with their loss. I feel the sadness of never having met my husband’s father and that there is a grandfather my children never knew. I hope in time you will be able to move on with the full support and blessing of those around you. I just want to make the point that grieving cannot be hurried. Forcing a new person on a family who are still going through that process with scant regard for their emotional state is not a thing that should be embarked on lightly. Unfortunately, I fear that the perpetrators are emotionally vulnerable themselves and often these new people move on them too quickly when they are not thinking straight. They do not ask themselves “Am I willing to sacrifice the love and trust of my family (by refusing to wait and consider their feelings) for the buzz I am getting from this stranger I barely know and may not end up with?
People spend more time debating which car they will buy than” Is this person suitable or are they just making themselves available?”

Comment on Can I Believe My Mother is in Heaven? by Miriam Ayoo

Miriam Ayoo — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 06:11:39 +0000

Hi Lauren,

I really appreciate your writing. You are able to express exactly what I’m feeling. I’m 21 and just lost to mom to diabetes and heart disease in june. I’m struggling. My life has been turned upside down. I dont know what to believe. But two sentence you wrote really stuck with me. The first one—”After my mother died, the idea there was a heaven seemed frighteningly overwhelming and the idea there was nothing seemed like a horrible injustice”— is exactly how I am feeling right now. It hurts to think about it, so I just try to ignore it. But its still hard. The second one— “the path of grieving and healing is unique for everyone. Our perception of comfort is dependent upon our individual keyholes through which we see the world”— I really agree with and am holding on to as I continue through this painful grieving process. Thank so much for your writings. You have helped me alot.

- Miriam

Comment on October Brings New Beauty, Triggers Old Grief by tshidi

tshidi — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 11:34:35 +0000

my fiance passed on in October 2011. i wonder if i could be as strong as you are. i feel like crying all the time. i cant make decisions on my own regarding the kids. but you have made me see the bigger picture!

my concern is ” am i dealing with the loss appropriately or am i trying to come out as a strong person to the kids and the people surrounding me?

Comment on Trees Symbolize Son’s Journey by Alice J. Wisler

Alice J. Wisler — Tue, 08 Nov 2011 00:23:54 +0000

Thank you, Heather! Your words can touch others. I hope you’ll go to my website and see how you can submit something about your daughter at my Writing the Heartache Blog. http://www.writingtheheartache.blogspot.com/

Comment on Trees Symbolize Son’s Journey by Heather

Heather — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 22:58:05 +0000

Thank you for writing and sharing this Alice… tears flowing…heart touched. God brought me to your site and stories today… as I have been seeking Him in what to do with my writing and how should I help others in my loss of my daughter. I can relate so much to what your words share in your stories. I am touched by your life and your sweet Daniels life. I too have a son named Benjamin… and the willow is a symbol and connection to our daughter, Payton. She is buried beneath a willow and we planted one in our back yard after she died. We chose to bury her under one, as it was always a favorite of mine and the weeping branches gave such a powerful symbol to our hearts in losing Payton. Thank you for sharing this story… I am so sorry his tree died… I pray the willow brings healing and comfort to your heart and soul.

Comment on After Mom’s Death, Daughter Struggles With Dad’s Girlfriend by Ella

Ella — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 12:04:26 +0000

Hi Sonia,
Just thought it might help to fill you in a bit more. My father’s house is about 5 minutes drive away and even less from my sister’s home.
After so many years we do not feel we can cut and run. Even I never expected his woman friend would be so callous as to abdicate all responsibility after 35 years of being together. He makes excuses but we all know if she wanted him there he’d be there immediately even if he had to take a taxi. She lives about 20 minutes away. They are not together because he’s too proud to say he’s lonely and she doesn’t want her freedom to go out curtailed by someone who is not as fast and agile as he once was.
I cannot advise you to cut the ties. I am not sure I would have had the courage to do that myself even if I could have seen the future. However, the horrors of the past and the selfishness and defence of the indefensible behaviour make visiting and caring all the harder. I am just not going to feel sorry for someone who is disliked by both her family and his. She is disliked because she is thoroughly dislikeable and it is her victims who are worthy of pity.
Knowing that this person would throw you to the wolves if it would please her makes it hard to have a cheery disposition. If we had to make a 100 mile round trip to save her a 2 mile detour he’d want to save her the trouble.
The joke “Be nice to your kids they get to pick your care home” sounds a little sick. However, this family that is thrown away with such callousness may be expected to jump to and pick up the slack when the new friend decides it’s not so much fun anymore. Psychologically, knowing that the visit is almost resented because I am not her is hard going. He is depressed because he has been abandoned by her and takes it out on me.
Hope these things give you some things to consider.
P.S Sorry for the typo in last post should read “threw herself at him”

Comment on After Mom’s Death, Daughter Struggles With Dad’s Girlfriend by Ella

Ella — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 10:08:47 +0000

Hi Sonia,
First let me say how terribly sorry I am for your situation. I have been there and am still there after many years. The gaping hole in your life you feel for your Mom will not be healing when you are in this horrible situation.
I can’t say what it is that makes parents cast off their responsibilities towards those left behind but this website is a testament to the fact that they do.
One of the difficult things that I felt most accutely was that people think they are being helpful when they self-righteously preach at you and state that surely you would not want the parent to be alone. No one is arguing that at all. In my own case it was what eventually powered me through some difficulties. Unfortunately, due to the selfishness of the woman concerned, my sister and I are the ones looking after my father. She visits or picks him up if it suits her.
My father’s personality is such that although he feigns bravado he actually lacks confidence and so this woman through herself at his feet and I guess he could not pass her up.
The damage done can not be undone. I believed up until 3 years ago that if my father had his time again he had learned lessons and would not behave the same way. I now know that he would make the same choices again as he proves on a daily basis.
It is made all the harder for you because you feel this woman is unworthy and the relationship is too soon and too in your face. This woman is everything my Mum was not. While my Mom was a real people person who would do anything for anyone this woman would avoid helping someone if she could. When I was about 16 my friend’s Mum was dropping me off a short distance from my home when her car would not start late on a Sunday. I live in England and certainly at that time no garage would have been open. I ran home with my friend several paces behind me to ask my father to help. My friend arrived to hear her say “Well can’t she just call a garage instead of bothering us.” Never mind that she had been doing my father the favour by giving me the lift in the first place.
There is no way your father can get you to accept this by threatening you. You may put on a brave face but he ought to know that that is not the same as accepting her. For myself, I don’t think my father could care if we genuinely
accepted her just so long as we acted as if we did.
Just like in your case our Dad told us that if we didn’t like it that was just too bad as he was a big boy and could act as he liked. He seemed to believe that because he had suffered through years of my Mother’s illness that this was what he deserved.
I know that for me there is a desire not to cross my father’s wishes. He talks to me now as if I was 8 sometimes. He draws a proverbial line in the sand at times and lets me know there will be a vile atmosphere if I dare ask questions.
Of course I can only speculate but you may find that the threats involve removing you from his will or something.
Funny I said to my husband recently that if someone had said to me that for the amount of money I may inherit I could have not gone through 35 years of trauma I would gladly have given up the cash. This situation has eaten up so much of my life and energy that I would have loved to have avoided it.
My father is now almost 88.My sister and I alternate visiting him daily and seeing to his needs. He lives alone just waiting for her to phone or say she will visit him. He does not dare ask if she will be staying for a few days.
Even if she said she was she would probably change her mind. She might not come or she might take him to her home for several days until she was bored and then drop him back. He insists these are mutual decisions but aquiescence is not the same as agreement. Since he can no longer drive she holds all the power.
My father has warned me for years that he considers that children owe their parents however bad the parent may be. On the contrary he thinks that he owes her because she moved and sold her house on retirement to live with him. She never acts but with self interest and self preservation in mind so she did it for her and not for him. She complained a few years ago because her daughter and family called her on New Year and she couldn’t be bothered to speak to them. This is how involved she is with her family.
She physically abandoned her family but my father mentally abandoned his. From her arrival on the scene we were told like you were, that no issues we had counted at all and it was non-negotiable.
You don’t say how old you are Sonia. Your father may not recognise the implications of how his actions will impact generations. My daughter said to me yesterday when I was offering to explain something about my father “I’d rather not know because the situation either makes you angry or sad.”
Obviously, I cannot advise you. You must decide yourself. I want you to know that I feel your pain. If you pretend to accept you will be able to maintain the relationship for longer but is it really a relationship when there is no honesty?
You could try writing a letter from yourself and your sister because he would have to read it and not interupt or threaten. The relationship may well blow over. With so little communication one could only conclude that it is based on attraction rather than having a lot in common.
Sometimes men can suspend reality. Recently my sister was hoping to get some help from an organisation where people visited the elderly. In the end my father refused help. However, at one point he asked whether the potential new visiter was married. He was told that she was and remarked that her husband object to her visiting another man-he’s almost 88!
Remember, your father has made a choice. If he chooses her it is his choice. You don’t state his age but he may face old age alone. I am guessing the woman is younger. There is a saying in England “There is no fool like an old fool”.
My aunt’s son married a girl from the Philippines and after he died the daughter in law was always writing asking for money for various family crisis. They had no children; it was for her relations.
The problem is, even if the relationship is short-lived the pain it has already caused will not heal. You will never trust your father’s love for you again. I am sure you are even doubting your parent’s relationship. How could so much love be so quickly forgotten. No doubt this will bring people to say I can’t see things from the other side.
True I have never lost a husband so I can’t judge. I do know one thing though.
I cannot imagine ever being in a situation where self-interest would lead me to watch my children who are now 22 and 18 go through the equivalent of an additional bereavement while I bask in the warm glow of new romance.
The relationship has already caused pain and destruction ;do parents believe things will improve?
One thing that has changed my perspective over the years is from whom is duty owed.
Because I was faced with a totally insensitive and unkind woman who barged in without the slightest sympathy or care for the family or me as a 13 year old living at home I blamed her more than I ought to have done. It’s no good getting mad at the shark because it attacks you. She is a horrible woman.
However, and this is the crux of the matter- it is my father from whom I am owed a duty of care and not from her. Morally, she is culpable for her indifference to my sufferings but he permitted her to behave the way she did and does. He invited her in. He watched as she ruled the roost, assaulted, unplugged the phone and did all she could to be top dog and see his family pushed away. For that he must bear responsibility.
Sonia- I hope you find this response. Know that there is someone in England who is thinking of you and hoping you find your way. If I was there I would give you a hug.Listening as you work things out is the best thing a friend could do.
You are behaving with more emotional maturity than he is showing. Try not to burn any bridges unless you have to while you are in such distress and emotion. He is making a bad choice because he is emotionally vulnerable- although I do not feel that is an excuse. Telling you “You cannot win this” is a mistake. He may force your behaviour but he cannot force you to accept or like her until such time as you may want to. He may feel he will win long term because you either accept her or lose him. What he fails to see and I can say from experience is that he is inflicting untold damage on his relationships with his daughters. If he thinks things will ever be the same he is mistaken.It is not a question of bearing a grudge or of forgiveness. It is just the innocent acceptance of a child (even as an adult) that the parent’s job is to love and protect his child is irrevocably shattered. The trust has gone and the innocence. Knowing I cannot change the situation I have sometimes asked my husband to hold up a sofa cushion while I give it a good punch!
Can you find a friend who will just listen and not judge? I have sometimes confided in someone only to find I felt worse after the chat…
Sending sympathy for your loss and your distress x

Comment on After Mom’s Death, Daughter Struggles With Dad’s Girlfriend by Sonia

Sonia — Mon, 07 Nov 2011 06:02:13 +0000

Hi,

I just read the most recents posts.If you read this and think you can give me advice, please do. Read my previous posting (number 57, on Octber 6th.)

I never met the woman my dad is involved with. I live too far away. He wanted to come here with her and I said no. I am not ready or interested in meeting her. My sister feels the same way and told our dad not to visit her with his girlfriend from Belarus.

The past month, my dad has threatened me twice about “losing everything” if I don’t get on with the program. My sister and I will apparently receive an e-mail from him before the end of the year advising us of something.

He drives me insane. I get so mad when he threatens me! As if I was 2 years old…tonight, he did it again over the phone. I just listened and said nothing and asked if he was done and then I asked him about his day. I simply have no interest whatsoever in this woman. Don’t ask me why as I could not tell you! I am not even one bit curious about her and I never ask any questions. After reading all your posts, I’d rather never meet her! I just don’t know what to do about this anymore. My dad does not listen to my feelings and simply does not seem to care. He really only cares about himself. He said tonight “you will not win this” ” you will not run my life”. For me this is not a game but it seems to be for him. I certainly don’t want to run his life. He can have a lady friend. I am just asking him not to impose her on me. I can’t pretend to like someone. I am not that kind of person.
I don’t want to lose my dad but knowing he seems to be ready to give his family up over a stranger from Belarus, it makes me think seriously about my own life and what I need and who I need in my life to be happy. e treats us is certainly not making me happy. After reading some of your posts, maybe I should just let him go on with his life and let him go….or pretend “I will get on with the program” and be polite when I meet her and leave it at that.
Any comments? Any suggestions?
Many thanks.

Comment on Is There a Place at Holiday Table for the Griever? by Harriet Hodgson

Harriet Hodgson — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 14:26:27 +0000

This is a poetic article, Deb, and I’m sure you will not only have a place at the table, you will have a place in our hearts.

Comment on Finding Daughter’s Purse Restarts Grief Four Years Later by Harriet Hodgson

Harriet Hodgson — Sun, 06 Nov 2011 13:05:30 +0000

Thanks for your post, Elison. Promoting driving and la cross safety is a wonderful and practical tribute to your son. Good for you!

Comment on Sudden Death vs. Anticipated Loss: Two Different Journeys by Linda Campanella

Linda Campanella — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 22:05:04 +0000

Hi, Chris. I haven’t been back to this blog site in a while and am not quite sure what led me here today. I was pleased to discover your response, but sorry to learn you are on yet another difficult journey.

If you’ve had a chance to read WHEN ALL THAT’S LEFT OF ME IS LOVE in the months since our initial exchange, I hope it was a source of comfort and inspiration. Readers seem to be really loving it and are sharing with me their own stories (about their own moms, their own losses, their experience with hospice, their newfound resolve to make every day count and to cherish loved ones who are still alive) , which I am loving! I’m connecting with many people, as I did with you, in a deep place of shared humanity and vulnerability; it’s been truly wonderful – and my mother would be so pleased.

Although my book is a story born of death (my mom’s), it is much more about loving and living than about dying and grieving, and it may actually be an even greater source of strength as you travel the road of life with your husband than as you continue to come to terms with your painful losses. Every day can be a source of great joy, even if it comes in small helpings. In my mother’s case, her terminal diagnosis did not terminate life; in fact, it may have inspired us to live life more fully and joyfully than ever.

May all your days be filled with joyful living, heartwarming memories of loved ones gone, and many unexpected gifts such as those your mother and Zac surely continue to provide!

Sending you strength (though you seem to have a deep and wide reservoir already!) and many good wishes.

Linda

Comment on Finding Daughter’s Purse Restarts Grief Four Years Later by Elison McAllaster

Elison McAllaster — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 17:07:45 +0000

Debra,

I also lost my child in a car accident and can empathize with your situation. It has been almost 2 years since we lost Ricky, and my family and I have taken steps toward healing: forming a foundation to promote teen driving safety and youth lacrosse; and writing a book about Ricky, the experience, and the signs we have received from Ricky since.

What I have found is similar to your thoughts: love remains, and we CAN make something positive out of such a painful situation.

Thank you for your article.

Elison

Comment on After Mom’s Death, Daughter Struggles With Dad’s Girlfriend by Ella

Ella — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 16:31:23 +0000

Hi Dee,
Your letter reminded me of something… On my final fitting for my wedding dress she said “You’re not getting married in that dress are you with those spots on your back?” How kind to give my confidence such a boost!

On another occasion she said “I’d never noticed what fat arms you have.”

She used to put a book or bag over her face during family occasions to avoid having her photo taken. She is completely self absorbed and obsessed with wrinkles. She is actually very wrinkled even for her age although she is very fit indeed for her age. She took some wrinkle cream back to the shop when she was about 85 to complain it had not worked.

She and my father would sit together tut self-righteously if someone with a weight problem walked by. She once said that nurses who were overweight should be fired as it was obvious they could not be doing a good job.

I cannot stress how thoroughly unpleasant she is and my Dad has increasingly become. Giggling and judging other people to make themselves feel superior.

Other folk have mentioned sexual details being mentioned and we had that also. Dad told my brother in law they had slept together hundreds of times. It made the situation so much worse.

The people who have been talking about the rights of the adult parent to move on however quickly are not seeing the whole picture. I can tell you how it was for me as a child losing a Mum and within days and weeks feeling uncomfortable in my own home and as an adult with all the knowledge about sex drives and rights to a new life.

You will be able to move on. Your new partner will replace your old one but for the family left reeling from the impact of this new relationship there are wounds from which they may never recover. I implore you do this one unselfish thing for your children as honouring your late spouse or partner. Wait. Consider whether this is a kind and good person or whether you are grabbing a passing life raft.

I can tell you these are things from which you cannot recover even if you are able to forgive. You have a duty and responsibility to those left behind whatever their age. Think of this before you jump into another involvement. You do not wake up one day and say “Oops I’ve fallen in love”. It is a conscious choice.

To those who are the new girlfriend or boyfriend- if you really care, give space and not pressure. You cannot imagine how your prescence equates to having your nose rubbed in something unpleasant. Even if you are the nicest person ever it will be really difficult. If you care at all recognise that for the family it will be like losing two parents.

Don’t think of rights without obligations and please try to have empathy. While you may feel alive and aglow this poor family are aghast. Your new love has you to keep him occupied all they have is pain and sadness and memories of someone they had loved and lost.

Those of you who are kind will try to understand ,those of you who are are busy causing untold family damage and rifts will argue that you have the right to do what you like…

The consequences of your actions do not affect just you. Generations will suffer. Your relationship may not last but the pain will most certainly endure. In my case so far all my teenage and adult life.

My husband reserved judgement when he first was told about her and believed she couldn’t be so bad and that it was the timing that was an issue. It didn’t take him long to realise that I had not done her any disservice and that all I had said was accurate. He was not the only person to conclude thus.
It’s safe to say she wouldn’t “spit on someone if they were on fire”!

Comment on Young Widow Watches Sons Grow into Men by Harriet Hodgson

Harriet Hodgson — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 16:29:49 +0000

I love this post, Chris, because I relate to it. During the four years our grandchildren have lived with us, I have watched them grow into “almost adults” to adults. My twin grandchildren (one boy, one girl) will be 20 years old in February. Losing both parents, graduating from high school, and being sophomore in college have matured them. When they come home, I have to qickly adjust m conversation from teenage talk to adult talk. It’s wonderful!

Comment on After Mom’s Death, Daughter Struggles With Dad’s Girlfriend by Ella

Ella — Fri, 04 Nov 2011 14:31:52 +0000

My Mother died when I was 13 after a long, long illness. I am now 48 and would like to share my story. Within weeks of her death a woman who had been a school friend of my mother’s who would show up maybe twice a year or say she would visit and then not bother, phoned to offer a shoulder to cry on. Ten weeks after my mother’s death this woman began coming to stay in the house.I cannot describe the awfulness of that time. Seeing my father sneaking across the landing at night was excruciating. Being issued with a guest towel was terrible. I would follow them several paces behind when they went to the cemetery perhaps seeking absolution. Arm in arm they would walk- it was traumatic. My mother wasn’t cold in the grave!

Unlike some women who date men so soon; no one could accuse her of trying too hard to fit, in or indeed trying at all! My father fawned over her and treated her like a goddess. When I asked if they were planning to marry I was told it was none of my business. I have a sister who is 20 years older and she told him it was all too soon and he should consider everyone else’s feelings but he said he was entitled and really proved he could not have cared less what anyone thought.

My father is volatile and a bully and so guiltily I became relieved when she was about as he did not treat me so badly.

Over 30 years this woman has caused havoc and hurt wherever she goes not just within our family but in her own. Her own son-in-law refused to even enter her house for years. When she retired she moved in full time leaving her family down south. Without warning years later she sneakily bought her own house.

Years followed when they spent part of the week at her house and part at his. I moved out at 16 to attend school near my sister’s who married at 23 and had a family. I lived with them.

Time moved on. Until they met her, people would say ,”Well your father needs a life of his own and you wouldn’t want him to be on his own.” I bought this argument and struggled to forgive the huge and ongoing hurt.

She has always behaved with complete and utter selfishness and he has always supported her. She would do something appalling and be banned from my sister or my home. Then eventually we would relent. She unplugged her phone because my calling once a day while my father was sick was “stressing her out”. I said I would call when I wanted so she unplugged the phone or the ringer of the phone. She has even assaulted my sister by shaking and shoving her. Since then there has been no contact unless we dropped my father off at her home.

Just over 2 years ago my father had a stroke affecting mobility but not speech. When he could leave hospital he elected to go and live with her rather than us. My husband said he did not want my sister and myself to become her slaves. He also warned that she might block access. She never actually had to block it because after she “went for ” my sister we all decided she was so unstable and volatile it was not safe for us to go. Did my father support my sister? Not at all. He did not try to do anything and a day or so later said he didn’t know who started it. We had offered to have my Dad live with us and had been planning renovations and adjustments to our home. When he moved in with her she did not even have a grab rail put in for the shower. My father said he did not want her to do it but he was 86 and she was 88. She allowed him a small bag of his possessions and decided she did not want any cards or mail being sent to her house.

To give an indication of how bizarre the relationship is after 35 years neither has a key to the other’s house.They will not stay in their “partner’s” home unless the other is also present. After a year my sister got a call begging her to pick him up immediately as basically she was kicking him out. They have always fought and split all through the years vowing never to speak again. Reconciliation,would never be accompanied by any apology. This happened twice before he moved back home for good. He told my sister not to even make eye contact or speak to her.

So after telling myself “You wouldn’t want him to be alone when he’s old” guess what? She will leave him for up to three weeks at a time without a visit. She lives about 20 minutes away and unlike my father, still drives. There is a train and buses and a taxi driver who lives 2 doors down from my father. Dad lost his car in an accident just a few weeks before the stoke. He used to do everything for her but now he is of no use to her. I visit every other day alternating with my sister. She does housework and I do shopping etc. If the woman visits, she does absolutely nothing. When driving back from hospital the other week he asked who would be taking him back the following day. I said it would probably be me unless his “girlfriend” would like to do it. “Oh no she wouldn’t like to do it she doesn’t like waiting around in hosptitals.”

He can barely walk from one end of the kitchen to the other but then we find out he goes out shopping with her and manages to walk about fine. He makes zero effort to chat when I visit and tells me they both talk to each other all the time. When she wants him she gets him when she’s bored she dumps him back only occasionally staying at his house. We never get any notice just a call to say she’s coming or gone. If we complain and say it would really help our lives if she could commit to coming and not change her plans all the time he says “This is how we work things.”

When she decides to go off he is in an especially vile mood due to depression at having been dumped.

I guess I just wanted to say the relationship has blighted our lives and especially mine. When my Mum died there was no counselling and I just had to get on with it. I felt at one point I could not cope. My hair stated to fall out. I had bad exam results. I took an overdose. The situation of being out of control brought me to the edge of anorexia. Incidentally, upon hearing I had taken the pills my father said two things. One was “Next time do a proper job” and “Whatever you do never ever tell her what happened.” It occured before they were fully living together.He knew she would humiliate him over having a weakling daughter.

I can offer no hope to anyone going through this. She is a nasty unkind person with no friends except my father and family relationships where she keeps falling out with people. Her daughter came to stay when she was in hospital and then had a falling out with her mother over something. The worse she behaves and is allowed to behave by my father the more sorry he feels for her that she is disliked by so many from the shop assistants she abuses to both his and her families.

The scars from this involvement will never heal. He shows repeatedly that she is the only thing he cares about. I once “joked” to a friend that if she”lost it” completely and killed my sister and I, he would say, “shame about the kids”.

Please, please if you are a parent or new love interest think carefully about how a selfish decision will cause decades of pain and suffering. Wait. You don’t have to get involved immediately. You have a commitment to your family. They need to grieve and adjust. We had no choice in this. He realised what kind of person she was quite quickly hence the “Whatever you do don’t tell her”.We were powerless, as we are now. Our only choice would have been to cut our losses. Ironic that what motivated me to try to forgive was the fact I did not want him to be alone. He is treated like a toy that gets discarded when the child is bored and he allows her to show no respect to his daughters.

Now married with 2 daughters of my own the pain was relived when I saw as an adult how terrible it would have been for my girls to have suffered as I did.I cannot comprehend how they could be so insensitive to his daughters’ sufferings and especially me as a 13 year old living at home.

I can offer no help but please think before you act. My father never married her which does not lessen his commitment to her in any way although he uses it as an excuse for weird behavior. Mum died at 56 and would be 90 if she had lived.I have lived with this situation for so many years. I hope that when the end comes I can finally move on. Had she been a kind woman and shown any caring it would be different. I once believed for a while she loved him rather than he was useful to her but unfortunately I no longer can receive solace from this idea. She is in the relationship for selfish reasons. If love is measured in sacrifice then she despises him.

Thanks for an opportunity to vent although in a sense it is 35 years too late!

Comment on Remembering Alexandria: A Personal Story of Perinatal Loss by Amy Daly

Amy Daly — Thu, 03 Nov 2011 00:59:42 +0000

I’m thinking about you, Rachael, as the two year birthday/anniversary of your precious daughter approaches. I found that sharing my story has been so healing. It’s been such a gift. I am so glad that you are finding that to be healing, too. Gentle hugs to you. Amy

Comment on Finding Daughter’s Purse Restarts Grief Four Years Later by Harriet Hodgson

Harriet Hodgson — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 19:38:10 +0000

Thanks for your comment, Debra. I am sorry for your loss and comforted by the fact that you have had similar feelings. Though we carry the pain of loss, with time we can make something positive from it.

Comment on Mom Wears a Mask on Halloween by Debra Reagan

Debra Reagan — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 18:08:24 +0000

Sandy,
I am sorry about the death of your daughter, Marcy. Thank you for sharing some of your precious sweet memories. The holidays can be so tough, especially in the beginning. I have found that even as time moves us further along in the grief journey, holidays can still be tricky and are filled with many bitter sweet moments.
Hugs,
Debra

Comment on Finding Daughter’s Purse Restarts Grief Four Years Later by Debra Reagan

Debra Reagan — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 18:03:06 +0000

Harriet,
Please allow me to first say that I am so sorry about the death of your daughter and other family members. We lost our youngest son, but I cannot imagine losing so many members at one time. Thank you for sharing your experience with us. It has been 6 years for us, but I, too, have had the moments you described. As I travel this grief journey, I have found that I must continue to find ways to carry the pain of this loss. Thank you again.
Hugs,
Debra

Comment on Helping Children Cope with Grief during the Holiday Season by Harriet Hodgson

Harriet Hodgson — Wed, 02 Nov 2011 12:08:35 +0000

After our twin grandchildren lost both parents in separate car crashes my husband and I became their legal guardians. The twins were 15 years old when they moved in with us. To be honest, I dreaded Christmas. How would we get through it? We asked the twins what they wanted to do. My granddaughter wanted to decorate the tree with the decorations her mother used. We kept other traditions as well, such as hanging their giant stockings on the mantle. Teenagers may have their own ideas for getting through the holidays. Telling holiday stories about the twin’s deceased parents was one of the most helpful things we did.

Comment on Bereaved Grandmother Turns the Corner on Grief by Nina Bennett

Nina Bennett — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 18:00:03 +0000

Mary Ellen and Sue, please know how very sorry I am. With each story, my heart breaks yet again. I hold your precious grandchildren in my heart, and each time I present a workshop at a conference, I dedicte it to the memory of our grandchildren.

As we are forever changed, so are our children, and it is indeed a rocky road we travel as we try to comfort them.

Comment on Facing the Early Days of Grief by Rebeccaoth2635

Rebeccaoth2635 — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 15:29:28 +0000

Very well written. I’ve called this the mythical underworld time. Unbelievable.

Comment on Poem: We Promise to Remember by Rebecca

Rebecca — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 15:18:08 +0000

Very touching. Remembering with love, I think, helps us continue.

Comment on Poem: We Promise to Remember by wiersze,pokezja,poeta

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Comment on Bereaved Grandmother Turns the Corner on Grief by Sue

Sue — Sun, 30 Oct 2011 23:29:10 +0000

Hello
Nina – I have just been reading your book about Maddy, and I have now lent it to my son in law’s mother.
My daughter has just lost her twin boys – four weeks ago – at 24 weeks gestation.
The end came after three weeks of hell where we really thought we were going to win the battle and that they would survive if we could just get them to the magical 24 weeks.
We are all devastated to lose our precious boys. Like Mary Ellen above, although I am in despair about the death of my two grandsons, the hardest thing to bear is the loss of my daughter. She was always such a ray of sunshine – always smiling – and now she is broken-hearted, and for the first time in her life I can’t do anything to fix it.
The pain of witnessing this is unbearable.
I also grieve the loss of a God who did not hear our prayers and I can only conclude has abandoned us in our darkest hour.
The loneliness is terrible.

Comment on Grief Styles: Women Verbalize, Men Internalize by VICKY BATES

VICKY BATES — Sun, 30 Oct 2011 17:46:13 +0000

Please follow me on my blog site: losingachildfindingyourself.tumblr.com
We are all in this together! vicky

Comment on Transitions: How to Recapture the ‘Drive’ by moda fashion

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Comment on Grief Styles: Women Verbalize, Men Internalize by apart fashion

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Comment on Mother’s Day as a Bereaved Mom by Hollie

Hollie — Sat, 29 Oct 2011 20:08:29 +0000

A piece of edrtuiion unlike any other!

Comment on In Barrens of Grief, Hope Still Blooms by Alice Hunter

Alice Hunter — Sat, 29 Oct 2011 19:42:07 +0000

Our twenty year old grandson died five weeks ago, the victim of an erratic driver. Of course we are filled with grief, but I feel especially sad for his sibling, cousins and friends. They are so young and have so many years ahead of them to feel this pain. When I feel anger or bitterness, I force myself to think, “What would my grandson have done” he was a gentle and kind soul, it helps to keep me from falling apart.
Thank you Annie, I will check out “Rainbow in the Clouds”

Comment on Widower Ponders What to do With the Ring by Renee

Renee — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 22:21:23 +0000

My Uncle (who was only 4 years older than me) died in a car accident in August. He was married to a wonderful woman who is 40 and they have two beautiful girls 12 and 9. My Aunt just texted me to ask if it was OK to move her own rings to her right hand. I did a search to see what other people do and came to this wonderfully written story and all of your comments. I am a grief counselor and just want to say that nothing I could say after 20 years of grief counseling is as good as all of this. I will send her a note to read this. Thank you.

Comment on Widower Ponders What to do With the Ring by Richard Ballo

Richard Ballo — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 18:34:35 +0000

Thank you all for sharing parts of your life with me. Grief and how we deal with our rings, and other items, is so individual that each answer or decision is right. We are not alone. I feel blessed but reading your comments and wish you all peace in your journey.

Richard

Comment on Sharing the Experience of being a ‘Twinless Twin’ by Nicole Beach

Nicole Beach — Wed, 26 Oct 2011 18:16:39 +0000

I lost my twin brother this year 10-08-2011. I can’t take it in. I can’t control my emotions and I feel an ultimate loss for life. He left me his dreams in which I hope to make come true to open a pizzeria for his daughter Melia. But I always thought of him as my better half. And I feel like no one understands. Were 26, we were suppose to go try out for real world. I can’t imagine doing anything with out him. But I guess I have to and it’s really sad. He’ll always be in my heart but I want him to be right here. Hopefully things will get better soon. And I’ve already seen signs his spirits still here. And that he is an angel. But I’m scared. Scared one day those signs will stop and I will be alone. When I already feel alone. I hate it.

Comment on Widower Ponders What to do With the Ring by Joan

Joan — Tue, 25 Oct 2011 18:17:39 +0000

I lost my dear husband of 31 yrs just a few weeks ago after a 3 yr battle with brain cancer. I just picked up his ashes today. There will be a memorial service for him tomorrow and I will proudly wear his ring on a gold chain around my neck. I’ll wear it for a VERY long time…there are NO RULES for mourning. Everybody heals differently and at a different pace…and then unfortunately there are those who never get over the lose of their spouse.

Comment on Cleaning Out the Closet of a Deceased Loved One by Rachel

Rachel — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 23:03:50 +0000

Beth — there is no timeline for having to clean out, rearrange or organize our loved ones belongings. One day it just happens, usually be a trigger of looking for something, moving to a new home or wanting to “hand-down” a gift. Thanks for sharing with fellow readers.

Comment on Don’t Believe One Widow’s Experience Will be the Same as Yours by Catherine Tidd

Catherine Tidd — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 18:21:16 +0000

Emily…

I think it takes a lot of us a long time to figure out how individual grief really is. Even now I’ll catch myself thinking, “Now…why aren’t I doing that?” when I talk to another widow. Honestly…I think the main key to it is forgiveness. Forgive yourself when you’re happy. Forgive yourself when you’re sad. Give yourself a little space and know that your timeline won’t match anyone’s. Thank you for your feedback. Hang in there!!

Comment on Grief Following the Loss of a Beloved Pet by Barbara

Barbara — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 08:56:15 +0000

Sabrina, my lilac point siamese died on 3oct2011. I am so lonely for her I can hardly stand it. She would have been 20 this Dec 30th. I have feelings of guilt for all the time she spent alone when I was on trips this past year. About 12months ago, she had her first urinary tract infection that I thought was going to be the end of her. The vet diagnosed the infection treating her with antibiotics, and we started subcutaneous fluids. She made an amazing recovery. I was to give her the extra fluids 2x a week, but became lax as she seemed to be doing so well, and she hated the procedure. About a month ago, she started showing signs of failing again. I keep second guessing myself, if I had started the fluids sooner would she still be here. She died in my arms on our deck, wrapped in a blanket with her face in sunlight. I seem to have developed insomnia and think of all the nights she spent alone wondering when I or my husband would get home. The grief just overwhelms me sometimes and can come on seemingly out of nowhere. I really do hope there is a rainbow bridge.

Comment on Researcher Seeks Sibling-Loss Survivors by Stanley Lee

Stanley Lee — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 06:43:53 +0000

Its is very hard to ignore the relationship of a sibling that was once very close to you and in time that is already lost, I have an experience to that and until up to know I still am remembering the good old days that we have. I really love to help you, Where can I possibly reach you? Stanley lee from Chaise monte escalier

Comment on Dragonflies Help Dad Feel Close to Deceased Son by Kelly Farley

Kelly Farley — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 02:03:25 +0000

Rachel,

Thank you for sharing your story. Very interesting. I find pennies for my daughter Katie and dimes for Noah I will often find them together with no other coins around, but I also find them by themselves. It makes me smile as well.

Thanks again for sharing.

Kelly
The Grieving Dads Project
GrievingDads.com

Comment on Recipes Link Her to Mother-in-Law, Memories by samsung tvs best prices

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Comment on Don’t Believe One Widow’s Experience Will be the Same as Yours by Emily

Emily — Sun, 23 Oct 2011 13:12:08 +0000

Thank you for saying that. I think a lot of websites offer advice about how to handle your birthday or “the second year” but since everyone’s experience is different it doesn’t always make sense. And I think it causes some people to feel guilty if they aren’t having a hard time on their birthday or if they are doing better during the second year.

Comment on Dealing With the Death of an Abusive Mother by Marty Tousley

Marty Tousley — Sat, 22 Oct 2011 18:07:25 +0000

Eloise, dear, your comment touches my heart, and I’m so sorry ~ but if this were my own son, and if I had similar concerns as you describe, I would want him evaluated by a professional who specializes in and thoroughly understands normal childhood growth and development and child psychology. Doing so would help you better understand what’s going on with him, get at the root of his behavior and offer you suggestions for how to deal with it. I encourage you to consult with your family physician or your son’s teacher. They should be able to guide you with a referral to someone in your community who is qualified to evaluate your son, his personality and his behavior. Please know that I am thinking of you and wishing you all the best.

Comment on Dealing With the Death of an Abusive Mother by Eloise Beda

Eloise Beda — Sat, 22 Oct 2011 17:41:05 +0000

An Abusive Mother’s hatred for her daughter is overwheming. This is killing the loving and caring Father. Her abusive nature has separated the Father from his Family. What scares me the most is….. that Her abusive nature is showing up in my young son’s personality.

Comment on Movie Review: ‘Rabbit Hole’ by Stream Rabbit Hole Free

Stream Rabbit Hole Free — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 20:29:10 +0000

Rabbit Hole is very touching movie that tell story about family who was traumatized after the death of a child. Great plot of the movie and wonderful picture.

Comment on Grief Styles: Women Verbalize, Men Internalize by Vicky Bates

Vicky Bates — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 16:03:15 +0000

Thank you so much for your kind comments!
Join me on my site.
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Comment on Cleaning Out the Closet of a Deceased Loved One by Mary Friedel-Hunt

Mary Friedel-Hunt — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 13:44:57 +0000

Hi Beth,
I felt like you were describing my husband who died March 2010…also a psychologist, I now have an entire woodworking and tool shop in the basement…he could do anything and did….built clocks, renovated antique cars, fixed anything, built anything and everything. At 19 months since his death, the tools sit and the clothes sit and I am far from ready to deal with them…in time I will…each piece of clothing and each tool has memories attached….right now I am doing well to read his poems, get through each day….the rest in due time. Thanks for sharing.

Comment on Tragedy Connects Us All by Dave Roberts

Dave Roberts — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 01:27:41 +0000

Thank you for your kind words Harriet. I can see where raising your grandchildren is fulfilling and a continuation of your daughter’s work. I would bet she is never that far away.

Comment on Widow Fears Sharing Thoughts of Suicide by Marty Tousley

Marty Tousley — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 20:23:57 +0000

Chris, my heart goes out to you, and I am so very sorry that your beloved wife has died. I will not tell you that it will get better without her here, but I can tell you that you don’t have to bear this sorrow all alone. Please, please contact your local hospice, funeral director, primary care physician, hospital or clergy person to learn what bereavement resources are available in your community ~ and don’t overlook the support you will find on the Internet, right at your fingertips. Learn all you can about what is normal in grief. Find some ways to better understand and manage your own reactions. Reach out for the support that is “out there” just waiting for you to find it. Seeking help for a devastating loss is not a sign of weakness ~ rather, it’s a sign of health and strength. Please think of it as a gift you can give yourself. You are worth it, and you deserve it. You might start here: “Look to Your Hospice for Grief Support,” http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2011/01/look-to-your-hospice-for-grief-support.html

Comment on Widow Fears Sharing Thoughts of Suicide by Chris

Chris — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 20:02:20 +0000

I feel the same way, my wife died on 20 Sep 2011, and i do not want to go on living without her, i cant live without her. She was only 27 and we were so much in love, she had an unexplained cardiac arrest. I would never commit suicide but i pray to god everyday to let me die. I know I will never be happy again wothout her, no matter how may people tell me itll get better, i know it wont, it cant get better without her here.

Comment on Tragedy Connects Us All by Harriet Hodgson

Harriet Hodgson — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 15:06:57 +0000

Beautifully said, Dave. Four deaths in 2007 changed me. Watching my grandchildren grow into young adults has been satisfying and my husband and I feel like we are continuing our deceased daughter’s efforts. Raising our grandchildren connects us with all those who have lost a child.

Comment on Researcher Seeks Interview Subjects for Book on Grief by Barbara Rubel

Barbara Rubel — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 12:53:21 +0000

Hi Fran,

If you still need people to interview for your book on grief, I would be interested. My father died by suicide 25 years ago. My email is griefwork@aol.com.

Comment on My Experience With Hospice Care by sallie

sallie — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 16:14:22 +0000

IT’S BEEN 6 MONTHS AND THE GRIEF AND PAIN ARE THE SAME DAY IN AND DAY OUT IF I CAN BE BUSY IT WILL GIVE ME A MOMENT OF PEACE, BUT ONE CAN’T BE BUSY ALL THE TIME AND THEN MY MIND GOES BACK TO HIM, MY BESTFRIEND, IT’S NOT REPLACEABLE I CAN NEVER GO OUT AND FINE HIM AGAIN, HE KNEW ME LIFE NO ONE EVER WILL, HE LOVED ME LIKE NO ONE EVER CAN, THE LOSS IS OVERWHELMING AND TIME DOES NOT STOP IT, MY HEART IS BROKEN FOREVER, NO ONE UNDERSTANDS THE GRIEF ITS SOMETHING YOU CANNOT TELL SOMEONE ABOUT UNTIL THEY LIVE IT, I JUST LIVE HERE BUT I DON’T LIVE HERE I LIVE IN MY MEMORIES OF US AND I LIVE IN THE SADDNESS OF MY LOSS. I WANT TO STOP THE PAIN AND I CAN’T IT’S WITH ME ALL THE TIME, I SMILE TO THE OUTSIDE WORLD BUT I’M CRYING ON THE INSIDE. I JUST WANT ONE MORE MINUTE WITH HIM, ONE MORE KISS, ONCE MORE TO TOUCH HIS HANDS AND SEE HIS BLUE EYES AND KNOW THAT LOVE. ITS JUST SO PAINFUL TO BE ALONE LIKE THIS, HOW DO WE GO ON, WHY DO WE GO ON

Comment on Online Grief Site is Safe Space for the Bereaved by Darline Rosenhek

Darline Rosenhek — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 03:22:07 +0000

Sandy, I have heard you talk about your website from time to time and heard you mention some of the grief counsellors you were working with on line, but I had no idea of the depth and breadth of your project!!!

Kudos to you; congratulations on a much needed program and possibilities to connect to professionals and others who share similar experiences!!

What a tremendous work of passion!!

Comment on Years After Son’s Suicide, Mother Lives in Peace and Joy by Rachel Burraston

Rachel Burraston — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 02:53:53 +0000

I’m so sorry for your loss of you child. Your story brings me to tears… I lost my 14 year old daughter to suicide 5 years ago and much of what you say resonates in me. I am dealing much better now than I had right after it happened. I have learned to “live” without her, but not as fully as I’m sure I would be had she stuck around. I too believe in the power or prayer. I feel her around me most when I am silent and alone. Thank you for the hope and comfort your story brings. Love IS forever!!

Comment on Dragonflies Help Dad Feel Close to Deceased Son by Rachel Burraston

Rachel Burraston — Tue, 18 Oct 2011 02:06:35 +0000

I lost my 14 year old daughter on May 10. It was just a month of so later, that my husband was talking to a truck driver at his work. This man had lost his son and he had started to find change, he felt it was a sign from his son… he specifically was finding 11 cents, a dime and a penny (as his son died on the 11th day of the month). After hearing his story, my husband and I started to find dimes… not pennies or nickles, just dimes. It was interesting, for me it would be on days when I missed her most (like on a family vacation that she should have been attending, or on a holiday). But for my husband, days we would be arguing or fighting, when he would feel exhausted and just like giving up… like she was encouraging him to keep going. In the 5 years since she’s been gone, we have acquired quite a collection of dimes. Probably close to 100! It does make me smile when I find one, and sometimes I will have walked over that spot several times, and then suddenly a dime will appear! I have heard from others about being given signs from their loved ones also, I think if you are open to it, you stand a good chance of eventually discovering how your loved one is trying to get your attention.

Comment on 20 Questions to Ask Your Terminally Ill Loved One by Barbara Rubel

Barbara Rubel — Sun, 16 Oct 2011 23:38:10 +0000

Charlotte,
Thank you for reading the 20 questions and sharing them with others. My hope is that the questions lead to actual conversations. For more information on speaking with a terminally ill loved one, please visit the Hopsice Foundation of America website. As part of their Lunch n Learn series, on December 7, 2011 between 1PM – 2PM, they will be exploring “Talking with Dying Patients and their Families.” For information on cost, CEUs and registration visit their website at http://www.hospicefoundation.org/lunchnlearn

Comment on A Children and Grief Story by Ruby Starheart

Ruby Starheart — Sun, 16 Oct 2011 13:12:47 +0000

Thank for this, Sharon. I too have felt the loss of a loved one (my sister) when I was a child being inadequately dealt with at the time. From our experiences we are able to do as you are doing with your grandchildren, and use our own experience to help those children who are grieving today. I too have found journaling to be a wonderful tool and I love the way you have adapted this idea to work with such young children. Thank you.

Comment on Self-Forgiveness is a Key to Healing by Deb Kosmer

Deb Kosmer — Sat, 15 Oct 2011 14:10:57 +0000

Hi Harriet are so right about the other issues surfacing.I am glad you have been able to let go of the guilt. I think that I have but then every once in awhile I realize I still hold remnants of it and after this many years maybe I always will. It must’ve been extra hard with your daughter and brother’s deaths so close together. My 31 year old sister Rhonda died in a car accident 8 months beofre my son and we were all still reeling from her death when suddnely my son Shawn died in a car accident as well. Blessings and hugs, Deb

Comment on After Mom’s Death, Daughter Struggles With Dad’s Girlfriend by kimmer

kimmer — Fri, 14 Oct 2011 17:53:25 +0000

I have been reading through previous posts and feeling much better that I am not alone. I lost my mother in November 2009 to heart disease. My dad started dating a former high school classmate of his about 9 months after my mom’s passing. She has never reached out to me or tried to get to know me–dad justs sayd she is different and not used to a close nit family. His whole personality has changed and I just can’t adjust to it. I feel at this point that my dad died too. I am so sad because we were so close. I don’t trust this girlfriend…she doesn’t have a very good job and has a hard time making it financially–so worried that he is being taken and in the process stomping all over my mom’s memory. He acts like mom never exsisted—they were married 38 years. I want him to be happy—I really do–but concerned and feeling robbed of my dad. I feel like she is trying to isolate him and I’m playing right into as I voice my opinions to him. I miss my MOM so much and I hate this destruction!

Comment on Self-Forgiveness is a Key to Healing by Harriet Hodgson

Harriet Hodgson — Fri, 14 Oct 2011 12:16:52 +0000

I also had guilt feelings, Deb, but they weren’t related to my daughter’s death. A death in the family brings other issues to the surface. My guilt came from a broken family relationship. My brother cut me out of his life and though I tried to mend the rift, I didn’t do enough. He died two months after my daughter died. Guilt is often the monster in the room and can take up most, if not all of the space. Thankfully, with time and grief work I’ve been able to let go of guilt.

Comment on Wife’s Sudden Death Sends Man on Faith Journey by Alma Lozier

Alma Lozier — Thu, 13 Oct 2011 20:35:40 +0000

Dear Kyle,
Thank you for sharing your journey. I lost my husband Dec. 13/10 and I am still angry at God. I have attended bereavement groups and read all that I can find to try to get me back to the feelings I had for God before I became a widow. I also do not understand how He could let such a loving man be taken from those who still need him in their lives when there are so many evil people that the world could do without. I know the answer is not clear now but I want to be able to breathe again and believe that God does indeed answer prayer.
God bless us all,
Alma

Comment on 20 Questions to Ask Your Terminally Ill Loved One by charlotte eueltte

charlotte eueltte — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 16:22:26 +0000

I am so thrilled and I am moved that you have created this list of poignant questions for our loved ones that are dying. And, yet, the list is for all of us. Do each of us have an exit plan? Reading your list and reading it intently makes us think as a society of our lives as a whole and how we life this one beautiful life we have. I thank you for your generous and wise offering that will undoubtedly help us all through our lives and onto the next generation that will make thier decisions in life. Our decisions will affect theirs. Shine on Barbara.

Comment on Pennies and Pachelbel: Signs from a Son by Jenny

Jenny — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 11:54:11 +0000

Hi Beth,

What a stunning story! loved it! We are based in South Africa – Johannesburg, and also lost our little angel Maddi at 4 months to “vein of galen malformation” in her brain, we found out about her condtion at our 36 week scan, to say that we were terrified is an understatment. I think the work you are doing is amazing, we had MASSIVE issues with our hospital as they wouldnt allow us to see her due to their visiting hours. We were beyond heart broken, we almost took it public. But instead decided to hold meetings with them, and they have assured us that their visiting hours would be less strict for “sicker” children. Do you have a website on the work that you do??

Thanks Jenny

Comment on Pennies and Pachelbel: Signs from a Son by Sally Grablick

Sally Grablick — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 02:03:20 +0000

I just posted on my Facebook page – a story about my son leaving a penny and a dime in a dish at the house we just moved our daughter into. When I saw this story/link I knew it wasn’t coincidence – it was confirmation! I Believe…

Comment on Falling into Autumn, Season of Bitter and Sweet by Kim

Kim — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 15:03:17 +0000

I’m sorry about your brother. My heartfelt condolences.
I like October also very much. But not when it rains too much.
If it is sunny, then the October can be really beautiful.

Comment on Nature’s Remedy – Allowing the Universe to Embrace Us in Our Pain and Need by marjanna

marjanna — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 01:19:59 +0000

thank-you,for your supportive words. We are all on a journey, and one of the many things I’ve learned is that we need to take tiny step’s in all aspects of our lives after our loss. I’m amazed how the human mind and body is able to plainly function period as we must go through the motion’s of every-day life. Our journey is lonely, as we’ve never done this before, however sharing our experience with others who have walked in our shoes, is comforting.

Comment on Website Updates by stainless steel screws

stainless steel screws — Mon, 10 Oct 2011 11:01:44 +0000

I was just searching for this information for some time. After 6 hours of continuous Googleing, finally I got it in your website. I wonder what is the lack of Google strategy that do not rank this type of informative websites in top of the list. Usually the top web sites are full of garbage.

Comment on Facing Your Wedding Day Without A Parent by Elizabeth

Elizabeth — Sun, 09 Oct 2011 21:02:37 +0000

Hi Gemini, I am also about to be married and without my mum, who died when I was 13. I was touched by the ways you planned to honour her memory and I hope that everything went as well as you hoped and that you will be very happy.

Comment on Poem: Those Who Know by Shane

Shane — Sun, 09 Oct 2011 04:10:49 +0000

Zach was a great friend and a true brother to me I think about him all the time and miss him greatly. Can’t wait to laugh and spend time with him once again.

Comment on Pennies and Pachelbel: Signs from a Son by Charmaine Dodd

Charmaine Dodd — Sat, 08 Oct 2011 19:12:52 +0000

Interesting how this popped up in a class that I am taking on death and dying, intersting how I have experienced something similar following the death of my uncle (three years ago almost to the day). I just wanted to say, you are not alone. Thank you for your post.

Comment on Don’t Let Last Words Be Words of Regret by Deb Kosmer

Deb Kosmer — Sat, 08 Oct 2011 19:02:51 +0000

What wonderfully written words of wisdom. Thanks for sharing this with us. Deb Kosmer

Comment on After Mom’s Death, Daughter Struggles With Dad’s Girlfriend by Sonia

Sonia — Fri, 07 Oct 2011 05:32:33 +0000

I just found this website…reading through all your comments made me feel better.I am not the only one feeling lost and angry! My parents were married for 45 years and my mom died of colon cancer. She was sick for 17 months. My dad met a woman one month after my mom’s passing but they ended up just being friends. After one year of my mother’s passing, while snowbirding in Florida, he met a woman from Belarus who can barely speak English…we are worried that she is after his money and citizenship. My dad does not see any of that and trust this woman who can barely put three words in English together without looking in a dictionary. He is imposing her on us and is threatening us–he says we have everything to lose (he is the one with two daughters and three grand-children!). He does not listen. We told him that our grieving process is not done and we are not there yet…he does not care. He is only thinking of himself. It’s like I lost my family. It will never be the same.

I miss my mom….

Sonia

Comment on Terminal Grief by Dave Roberts

Dave Roberts — Thu, 06 Oct 2011 02:20:50 +0000

Hey Cindy:
You are welcome and and you hit the nail on the head with your comments.

Thank you for your great feedback.

Comment on Poem: Music In Mourning by Regina

Regina — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 14:40:22 +0000

I hear your song of mourning and am so sorry for your incredible pain and loss. As a musician and poet your poem spoke to me, as a mother who also grieves the loss of my own child I can hear the symphony of grief you so poignantly speak of. Thank you for sharing your heart, and in turn, being a voice for so many who feel the same pain.

Comment on Terminal Grief by Cindy Evarts

Cindy Evarts — Wed, 05 Oct 2011 03:22:03 +0000

Great job, Dave! I have thought many times how different a person I am after such a life changing event. Would I take my old self back? Yes – in a fraction of a heartbeat…. but I would at the same time, be sad to lose the deeper person I am now. Thank you for helping us newcomers along on this journey!

Comment on Wake Me Up When September Ends by Kim

Kim — Tue, 04 Oct 2011 20:59:35 +0000

Carolyn – I am so sorry for your loss and I know how difficult the holidays and anniversaries are. Our daughters’ lives were cut short and they, and we that love them, have been robbed of seeing their lives unfold. We cannot change the past, we can only live our own lives the best we can and continue to remember our children through our memories and love for them and the promise that one day we will be with them again.

Thanks for writing and blessings to you as you continue down the road of your grief journey.

Hugs,
Kim

Comment on Wake Me Up When September Ends by Carolyn

Carolyn — Tue, 04 Oct 2011 20:17:12 +0000

Hi Kimberly,
I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter Elizabeth. We lost our then 21 year old Joslyn to a car accident. This was on Feb. 3, 2008…superbowl sunday.
Her 25th birthday is Oct. 31! From October… comes Thanksgiving…comes Christmas…anniversary of her death. I (still) feel pretty new to this grief process. Seems like a long stretch until I can “breathe” again.
I miss her very much. Joslyn was well on her way to becoming a teacher and having a class of her own. I miss everything about her. She left behind 1 older brother and 1 older sister and a younger sister. We are never going to be whole again.
Since her death… we have added twin grandsons….they are to be celebrated! Love them so much.
Thanks for your entries.
Blessings on you and your family.
Carolyn

Comment on Sharing the Experience of being a ‘Twinless Twin’ by Darlene Wilkerson

Darlene Wilkerson — Tue, 04 Oct 2011 19:46:38 +0000

I lost my twin sister on March 10, 2008 and I am still having a hard time living without her. We got to celebrate our 50th birthday before she passed away from Mesothelioma. She suffered with this disease for several months before she was diagnosed. She went to the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, Minnesota where they discovered what was wrong with her. She was given 6 months to live. We had to stay strong for her and her children, so I never got to tell her good bye or talk to her about what she wanted me to do. I will miss her for the rest of my life. I work at a funeral home so you would think that I would be use to the dying process but with my twin I just can’t move forward.

Comment on Terminal Grief by Dave Roberts

Dave Roberts — Tue, 04 Oct 2011 16:36:44 +0000

Thank you Rachita.

Comment on Terminal Grief by Rachita Agnihotri

Rachita Agnihotri — Tue, 04 Oct 2011 06:48:14 +0000

Hi, this is good

Comment on Terminal Grief by Dave Roberts

Dave Roberts — Tue, 04 Oct 2011 01:32:12 +0000

Thanks Donna. I appreciate your feedback.

Comment on Terminal Grief by Donna Kukura

Donna Kukura — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 21:55:38 +0000

I loved it Dave Great JOB!!!!

Comment on Poem: We Promise to Remember by Janet Morris Grimes

Janet Morris Grimes — Sat, 01 Oct 2011 18:50:13 +0000

I truly believe this is all we can promise to those who have lost a loved one. And then we must follow through with it. Thanks so much for posting.

Comment on Our Children are Always With Us in Spirit by Jo

Jo — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 09:55:20 +0000

That is a beautiful poem!! I lost my 15 year old son December 2010. I have laughs and tears, but have comfort in believing he is still with me.

Comment on The Year of Firsts by Jean Williams

Jean Williams — Thu, 29 Sep 2011 03:11:52 +0000

So good to see your comment, Charlie. I still don’t feel strong, but I do have the strength of God inside me. Thank you for your encouragement these last seven years.

Comment on The Year of Firsts by Jean Williams

Jean Williams — Thu, 29 Sep 2011 03:09:21 +0000

So glad to hear from you, Adrienne. Joshua always thought you were the best ever! Our family still thinks of you and we love you! Thank you for reading the article and commenting. God bless you, sweetheart!

Comment on The Year of Firsts by Jean Williams

Jean Williams — Thu, 29 Sep 2011 03:06:21 +0000

Rory, thank you for bringing such a spiritual comparison to what I went through with what God may have felt. That uplifted me in a way I can’t express. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment.God bless you!

Comment on The Year of Firsts by CS Perryess

CS Perryess — Thu, 29 Sep 2011 01:47:45 +0000

Jean Ann,
Thanks for this insight into a challenging time. You are strong. Thanks for expressing your lovingkindness to help others.

Comment on Wake Me Up When September Ends by Kate

Kate — Wed, 28 Sep 2011 23:57:52 +0000

Hi Jenny. I’ve tried ignoring our daughter’s birthday and i’ve tried embracing it; each is difficult in its own way. Muireann died aged 2 after becoming caught in a window blind cord. She would have been 6 at her last birthday. We now always have a cake for her as that has become important for my other children, and we always sing happy birthday. I find now that the thought of the day, the build up to it is worse than the day its self. and i try to spend the day remembering what a wonderful time we shared with her. My heart goes out to you. be kind to yourself. x

Comment on The Year of Firsts by Adrienne

Adrienne — Wed, 28 Sep 2011 17:40:53 +0000

Jean,

I thank our Lord for His amazing loving presence and how He has held you during all those first. Please Lord continue to use Jean to encourage and comfort all those that are hurting horribly by the loss of their child.

I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.
Wait on the LORD: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the LORD.
Psalm 27: 13-14

God Bless,

Adrienne Lee

Comment on The Year of Firsts by Rory C. Keel

Rory C. Keel — Wed, 28 Sep 2011 17:25:33 +0000

In your darkest hours during that first year, you have given us a glimpse into the darkness surrounding Jesus Crucifixion. In the book of Amos, chapter 8:9-10 God relates the darkness of the sun going down, to the mourning of an only son.

Many believe the darkness was to cover God’s eyes to the scene, However, Daniel 2:22 tells us “…He knoweth what is in the darkness….” the darkness could not keep God’s eyes closed.

As God’s Son hung on the cross the world turned dark, the Father mourned. In the same way your world turned dark in mourning the loss of your son.

Then came the morning – The SON rose again!

Comment on After Mom’s Death, Daughter Struggles With Dad’s Girlfriend by dee

dee — Wed, 28 Sep 2011 15:48:52 +0000

oh and forgot to mention when I first met her I googled her and found she had 3 DUIs already. And I saw her mugshots-she was smiling in one of them. Who smiles in a DUI mugshot? That’s when I started really being suspicious of her.

Comment on After Mom’s Death, Daughter Struggles With Dad’s Girlfriend by dee

dee — Wed, 28 Sep 2011 15:33:35 +0000

I found this site a little late, but thank you all for sharing your stories.

My parents were in a small plane crash 5 years ago, and mom died from her burns. Dad was burned badly on the face and arms, but survived. I slept every night for 3 months in the hospital with him bc he couldn’t talk or use his arms to alert the nursing staff to his needs. My dad’s brother and I moved in with him and for 2 years we took care of feeding, bathing, clothing him until he could slowly do these things for himself. My parents were married for 39 years so I only knew them together.

3 years ago he met someone at a doctor’s office and brought her over one night to introduce us. She seemed nice enough. 20 years ago she, too, was in an accident that almost killed her. She was my age and plastic-surgeried from head to toe. Huge fake boobs, huge fake lips, and annorexic-like 95 pounds with these huge double d’s that made her look like a porn star. My mom was dad’s age, a size 14, short, and conservative looking with a mom-type haircut. 20 minutes into our meeting she seemed stoned, or drunk. She would repeat herself, tell weird stories, slur her speach. I was immediately put off but whatever it’s his life, right?

2 nights later, dad wasn’t home and I asked my uncle where he was and I was told that “(girlfriend) hit some poor 18-year-old on his bike and killed him” and dad was going to be the go between with the police-to save her ass basically. We both knew it was her fault-she was just so stoned when we met her. That night she came to our house from the accident scene and never left. That was almost 3 years ago. Add to that all kinds of weird girlfriend moments-her wearing my clothes without asking, going through my personal things, falling asleep standing up, falling asleep at the dinner table, falling asleep at other peoples houses at parties, etc. Mumbling, repeating herself, not eating but complaining about her weight to everyone including fat people (95 pounds!!!), and leaving pills everywhere-not in bottles but on countertops-Xanex, Valium, pain killers, appetite suppressants even though she told me she never takes any meds.

Sadly, I got engaged, married, pregnant, had baby, and lost my dearest grandpa all with her by my dads side which made me miss my mom even more. She also managed to monopolize every situation with her own drama (example: she lost her license for the vehicular manslaughter 2 days before my wedding and dad and people that were supposed to help me with the wedding ended up driving her around, taking her to hair appts, buying groceries for the out-of-towners dinner at dads house which she never prepared bc she was in court so my mother-in-law had to make it, etc., taking valuable helpers away from me-the bride-who was doing/making everything herself to save money).

Suddenly dad was cramming her down my throat even pawning her off on me when he was tired of listening to her but I could not stand being with her and as time went on it became really obvious that I didn’t want anything to do with her. Why would I? I’m not dating her. Unfortunately, dad’s answer to all this was telling me not to come by because girlfriend will be there and “I know you two don’t get along”. The reality of all this is I can’t let them watch the baby bc he is physically incapable and she is drugged up all the time. I don’t like hanging with her because all she talks about is my weight, my skin, and repeated stories about things I don’t feel comfortable about (example: your father doesn’t want me to wear clothes to bed. WHAT?? Keep it to yourself, lady!!). I understand he has to get on with his life but he picked the first thing that came along and I think he feels like he has to settle because of his facial/body disfigurments. But to do it by never seeing/visiting your only daughter and grandchild? I feel like I’m losing him, too.

So in my mom’s house, surrounded by her beautiful knick-knacks, is this woman with no job, no prospects (she seems a little brain damaged), and no sign of getting better. Recently dad has been in and out of hospital with weird symptoms and she’s telling people I don’t care about my dad bc I’m not by his side for all of it (I’m in another state and I have a job, a husband, and a 18 month old). I fly down as often as I can but this last time he told me not to come down bc (girlfriend) will be there.

I am so hurt by all of this. I feel like my dad is picking her crazy over our hstory together. I miss my dad-and mom-so much.

Comment on After Death Contact Keeps Wife Connected to Soul Mate by Paula

Paula — Wed, 28 Sep 2011 13:27:17 +0000

I believe that our loved ones understand the feelings that we face upon their transition, whether they are feelings of guilt, feelings of loss and lonliness, or feelings of great despair – they understand. I can only speak from my experience as to how to connect or speak with our loved ones. I find meditation opens the gateway of communication. Find a peaceful place, quiet the chatter in your mind, and openly speak to your father of the love that you have for him and tell him how you miss him. Be open to hearing his loving words to you, he will speak to you for the spiritual world is filled with love, kindness, and understanding…

Comment on After Death Contact Keeps Wife Connected to Soul Mate by Pooja

Pooja — Wed, 28 Sep 2011 06:04:07 +0000

Hi,

Day before yesterday I lost my Dad but some guilt r there my heart as i was so rude wt him he always wanted to talk wt me but just bcoz of my rude nature I behaved so rudely .but now i really wanted to talk to me please,I am begging u all tell some ways so i cn talk to him .

Comment on New Calling: Reaching Out to Others Through Writing by Mary

Mary — Tue, 27 Sep 2011 14:14:23 +0000

Dear Shirley,
I am sorry for your tragic loss.
Sharing your hope with others is essential.
Your strength moves people’s hearts.
Thank you for writing to me. I appreciate
your kind words.
Take care and Bless you.
Mary

Comment on New Calling: Reaching Out to Others Through Writing by Shirley Wiles-Dickinson

Shirley Wiles-Dickinson — Tue, 27 Sep 2011 11:27:16 +0000

Dear Mary,
How did you know this is exactly what I needed to read this morning? I too, have known for sometime there was a purpose for me. And recently, I feel I have found that purpose. It’s so similar to yours.
I lost my sister to murder two years ago. Just recently, I was asked to speak at the service held in my city for the National Day of Rememberance for all murdered victims. I spoke, not so much about the murder, but of how I’ve made it through the last two years. I gave others hope. There were 110 names read that night, 110 murdered people in our city in the last year. Far too many. Far too many broken hearts in our community. I too, reach out to those people. Strangers thrust together sharing one common bond.
Thank you for you story. I too would like to write and you gave me some sound, solid advice.
Shirley Wiles Dickinson

Comment on Mother Maintains Contact with Deceased Son by ADC or After Death Communication | Communication Advancement

ADC or After Death Communication | Communication Advancement — Tue, 27 Sep 2011 07:12:55 +0000

[...] Deceased Son Gives Mom Signs, Comfort (Article by Sheri Perl) [...]

Comment on Mother Maintains Contact with Deceased Son by ADC or After Death Communication

ADC or After Death Communication — Tue, 27 Sep 2011 01:45:28 +0000

[...] Deceased Son Gives Mom Signs, Comfort (Article by Sheri Perl) [...]

Comment on Grieving the Death of One’s First Love by DeeDra T. Sullivan

DeeDra T. Sullivan — Fri, 23 Sep 2011 01:56:56 +0000

I have just my first love and have really been having a terrible time with this. I knew I would be sad when this would happen but never knew it would be this bad. I met him when we were 15 and we were together for almost a year and then my family moved away but we wrote letters, talked on the phone and he got to come and stay with us for 2 weeks. We moved back to my hometown 2 years later and we started dated again and then we moved again still in the same state but a different town. We kept in touch a little over the years. my Aunt lived in the same town as him and would run into him all the time and said he would talk about me so much and always wanted my # but I’m married and have been now for 23 yrs. and we have a Son. I was always afraid he would call a lot and I knew my Husband would not like this. He would call my brother and try and get my # also and would tell him we never had closure. I talked to him on Christmas Day 7 yrs. ago. He just passed away from a seizure and we are both 47 yrs. old now. My husband has been supportive but cannot believe how this has affected me especially since I haven’t seen him in over 25 years. Now I feel like I don’t have closure. I cry every day and I make sure my Husband or Son doesn’t see me. I am so sad and am obsessed with thinking about our younger days when we first met and the what ifs. I wish I would of gave him my # now so we could have talked sometime as long as it wouldn’t of hurt my marriage. I feel real depressed and know he’s not there anymore even though I didn’t see him that much anyway it is still unbelievable. Sincerely, DeeDra Sullivan