Dad took his own life

I grew up basically alone with my daddy. We didnt have much but man did i idolise him! He was my hero, my safety net and my protector. He was all I actually had as I was not close with my 2 sisters because of the huge age gap between us and my mother was not a factor in our lives.

However throughout my growing years my dad suffered seriously from depression. One day he would be on top of the world and the next down in the dumps. but i still loved everything about him!

when i turned 15 my dad got remarried and i was sent to my mother as my stepmother had 4 children of her own and with me there there was no space. This devastated me and caused me and my father not to speak for a few years.

Luckily we started contacting one another again as my stepmother did not like us not being part of my fathers life! And im eternally grateful for her of that.

years went on and yes i moved a long way away from my dad and didnt see him often anymore. We also only just spoke on the phone every now and then. You know how it goes life happens and the calls get less frequent because you are busy working and studying and running a household on your own and then this year on the 7th of Feb 2011 it was his birthday and i only smsed him. a week and a half later my stepmother phoned telling me my father tried to commit suicide by stabbing himself in his stomach.

He was rushed to hospital and after a week in ICU he got better but then the medical aid said they are not covering general ward fees as he inflicted the wound to himself so he got transferred to a state hospital (we live in South Africa and state hospitals usually equal death if you have serious injuries)

I spoke to him over the phone just after he was transferred and luckily got the chance to tell him how much i love him and how much i want him to get better and he was in good spirits, feeling a lot better. though just after that the medication he was getting made him confused and he tore his stitches open and had to be operated on and yes he got a bad bad infection in the wound. but i still stupidly really believed he was going to pull through! After another week he was back in the state ICU getting worse each minute. i went through to see him in hospital and the last time i saw him he was sleeping so i couldnt speak to him like i wanted. that sunday night he was taken out of the icu as they did not have space for him anymore and the next morning on the 14th of March 2011 he died after struggling and holding on for half an hour.

now im sitting with all this grief. he is not going to be able to walk me down the isle, im never going to hear his voice again or be able to give him a hug. It is tearing me up inside and i just dont know what to do. I had so much to still tell him but now i cant.

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  • Laura says:

    Oh Darling,i just read what happened to your Dad,i’m so sorry,that has to be extremely painful for you. I lost my ex-husband and best friend 5 weeks ago,i cannot pretend to know how your feeling but i wanted to reach out to you and send you some love. My heart goes out to you. Much love,Laura…xxx

  • Amr says:

    As a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined. Guilt is that part of the human conscience that brings us up short and convicts us for actions and thoughts. Guilt is an inherent human trait that should be seen as a gift, however, most of us do not see it as such and rather than deal with guilt, we naturally attempt to squelch it. However, guilt is that nagging voice with in us all that is like water upon a stone and is meant to bring us to a realization that there is a standard and we have fallen short, but whose standard is it. Seeing guilt in its proper light allows us to understand that it is a safety valve for the human condition. Guilt means there is a right and wrong way for us to operate and there are standards of what is good and what is worthy of guilt. We were able to discuss circumstances and I learned how to cope in various situations. My depressed feelings began to lift and I began to cope with challenges in my life. I began finding strength in my faith. When I could no longer fulfill my work responsibilities due to injury, I be worthless. so the only real answer to freedom from condemnation and from being controlled by guilty feelings.