In early grief, it is difficult to find any meaning in pain. After my daughter Jeannine’s death in 2003, the pain I experienced in early grief was raw and something that I feared. If I had a choice, I would have avoided it at all costs. However, as I have learned, we need to work through pain in order to be able to find greater meaning in our lives.
During the holidays, our grief and pain tends to become more intensified. The stress of holiday shopping and get togethers is stressful enough. The stress of grief makes these holiday events more stressful. Early on, I just wanted to fast forward to January, and skip the holidays all together.
In the ninth year of my journey as a parent who has experienced the death of a child, the holidays still present unique challenges for me. Thanksgiving and Christmas will be forever associated with the period of Jeannine’s illness where I knew in my head and my heart that she was going to die. My expectation is that the pain of my early grief will continue to resurface during the holidays and will continue to until I cross over.
So what is different for me now? I have made a conscious choice to deal with my pain differently. During Thanksgiving dinner at my sister- in law’s this year, I was missing the physical presence of my daughter. After dinner, I decided to take a walk to clear my head. I went to my deceased mother’s former apartment which was less than a mile away. As I got closer to her apartment, I consciously introduced into my thoughts some positive memories of the relationship that Jeannine and my mother had. I immediately began to feel a sense of peace again.
Shortly thereafter, the sky was lined three wide with a hundred or more crows flying west to east above me. I have recently begun to embrace Native American teachings about the power of animal medicine and the lessons that they teach. From reading both Jaime Sams’ Medicine Cards and Ted Andrews’ Animal Speaks, I have discovered that crow medicine is about, among other things, sacred law as opposed to human law and that unexpected help with problems and obstacles is at hand to bring relief.
After Jeannine died, I realized that conventional wisdom or law was not going to help me adjust to my new reality. I needed to look at relationships as occurring beyond the physical realm and be attuned to what the universe and all it has to offer was trying to teach me. Once I was able to do this, I began to find a new level of fulfillment in my life, and looked at pain differently.
In the ninth year of my journey after Jeannine’s death, I have discovered that allowing myself to be totally debilitated by pain is not going to improve the quality of the life that I am now destined to lead. I need to continue to evolve as a result of my experience with it.
I am wishing you all peace this holiday season.
David Roberts 2011
What a powerful piece you have written, with so much wisdom-learned in it. May your journey be sweetened by the peace you have found within. Warm regards, Laurel
Thanks Laurel for your great feedback and best wishes.
What a beautiful article that exudes wisdom. We learn through our losses that life is fragile and a gift. As time passes and the grief process progresses, we think and feel more deeply. Holding on to precious, happy memories as you mentioned, help us feel better. Finding our way is not easy, but sharing the lessons learned are a positive way to move forward. Thanks so much for sharing.
Thank you Robin for your kind words. I always get up in the morning and thank God for giving me another day, because I have as you have learned that there are no guarentees and that life is indeed a gift. The challenges will always be there for me but as long as I keep working and look at life and death differently, I will find meaning.