Father’s Day When Your Father Has Died

By Neil Chethik

Father’s Day is just ahead, and for more than 100 million Americans whose fathers have died, it will be a day of missing Dad. Because I’ve written about how sons deal with the death of a father, Gloria and Heidi asked me to write something here about coping with Father’s Day after Dad is gone.

For my book, FatherLoss, I interviewed several hundred people about the death of their dads. And some were actually a little relieved on Father’s Day after their dad had died. This was especially true if they had a troubled relationship with their dad. After he died, they didn’t have to come up with a gift for him, or send him a card or apologize for not sending a card. And they didn’t have to make small talk on the phone on Father’s Day. It was a kind of liberation.

For some, this relief continued every Father’s Day. But for most, Father’s Day without a father eventually brought sadness too. To deal with that sadness, a lot of the people I interviewed said they started doing little things to remember their dads on Father’s Day.

For example: 1) One man’s father had always loved Beethoven, so the son put Beethoven on the CD player at some point every Father’s Day. 2) Another man pulled out his father’s old tools and made something in the wood shop on Father’s Day. 3) Still another man, on Father’s Day, always cooked a pot roast, his father’s favorite meal.

For these men, it was helpful to consciously think about their father on Father’s Day. They felt connected to their father’s memory, and actually looked forward to future Father’s Days when they could “commune” with their father again.

Sometimes we think that ignoring our sadness is best. But in most cases, honoring our sadness by connecting to the memory of the person we’ve lost is most healthy.

Feel free to check out more about my book at www.NeilChethik.com.

Neil Chethik

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Neil Chethik is an author, speaker and expert specializing in men's lives and family issues. He is the author of two acclaimed books: VoiceMale: What Husbands Really Think About Their Marriages, Their Wives, Sex, Housework and Commitment (Simon & Schuster 2006), and FatherLoss: How Sons of All Ages Come To Terms With the Deaths of Their Dads (Hyperion 2001). Previously, Neil was a staff reporter for the Tallahassee Democrat and San Jose Mercury News, and writer of VoiceMale, the first syndicated column on men's personal lives. His writings have appeared in hundreds of print and web publications. He is currently Writer-in-Residence at the Carnegie Center for Literacy and Learning in Lexington, Ky., where he lives with his wife, Kelly Flood, and son, Evan. Reach Neil at: Neil@NeilChethik.com 121 Arcadia Park Lexington Ky. 40503 859-361-1659 Neil appeared on the radio show “Healing the Grieving Heart” with Dr. Gloria & Dr. Heidi Horsley to discuss “Men and Loss.” To hear Neil being interviewed on this show, click on the following link: www.voiceamericapd.com/health/010157/horsley121307.mp3

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