Feeling Guilt for Grieving

I lost my 44 year old daughter, Elizabeth, to breast cancer on July 4, 2006. She left a husband, a 24 yr old son and 2 daughters, 9 & 10-1/2, as well as 2 loving older sisters. I have been devastated since her death. Even though we knew after her first diagnosis 3-1/2 years before she died that she would not survive. She fought so hard to live. During her last few months I stayed with her and was her caregiver. We became so close. She told me how scared she was. She told me shortly before she died “Mom, please don’t let me die. I need to raise my girls”. I held her in my arms when she died. Someone told me later that I held her when she took her first breath and when she took her last. I promised her I would be here for the children and my other daughters. But sometimes I just don’t want to live anymore. She was my baby. I miss her laughter, her hugs, her kisses, her smell, everything about her. As each holiday approaches I don’t think I will make it through, but I do. Thanksgiving, her birthday, her daughters birthday, my birthday and Christmas were the worst, but I put on a happy face for the girls. I lost 20 lbs during that month preceeding Christmas. Now my little granddaughter will have her 10th birthday next week, without her mommy. All I can think about is how we get through this. Then Mother’s Day. I don’t even want to acknowledge it. I go into such depths of despair. My heart hurts. My stomach feels like someone has kicked me. I have gone to grief counseling. I have read 3 books on grieving parents. I can’t read anymore. All it does is depress me. My doctor put me on anti depressants. I took them for a short while but I just need to grieve in my own way and in my own time without drugs, so I went off of them. I dont even know why I am sending this to you except maybe I just need to express myself to someone who doesn’t know me. I feel guilty burdening my relatives and friends all the time with my tears and my sorrow. Thank you

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  • Nancy says:

    My heart goes out to you in love and more understanding than I wish I had. Our precious daughter Karen died of cancer on June 24, 2005, leaving a husband and two children aged 7 1/2 and 8 1/2. Karen and her family lived with us since the oldest child was an infant (our son-in-law and the children still live with us.) Karen and I were together so much of every day, and I miss her beyond belief.

    I am told that losing a child never gets better, but it gets easier. I would settle for easier.

    Blessings,
    Nancy