I know of two books published in 2002 that dealt with the death a child in a young family’s life. In the stories, the children are different in ages and gender, the cause of death is different, the grieving process is different; one book is fiction, the other a true story.
In both books, I found many similarities in processing the loss of a child. Both books reflect the belief that there truly is life after death on both sides of the equation; for the departed and for those left behind. The fiction book is called The Lovely Bones and is now a major motion picture; the true story is my story and is called Letters to My Son.
In 2002, I routed my book to many book stores excited to share my first book, the magnum opus of my life, the story of my son’s death and that of a family’s long road to healing and recovery from that devastating loss. My book was a best-seller in our small town bookstore of Hastings, and was 2nd in sales only to Harry Potter! I did some readings and many signings at the bookstore that first year, and I got to know to know Grace, the owner of The Hungry Mind Bookstore, fairly well.
One day, following an event Grace pulled me aside and handed me a book. She said “this just came out recently and it’s not for sale yet, but I was sent this preview copy. Would you like it?” She also stated that she had started the book, but that it was pretty graphic in places and she thought it was downright weird but according to her “right up my alley” with my talk of signs that I believe that we can receive from our loved ones who has passed (whispers of love).
She was correct that it was right up my alley; I loved the book. She was also correct it was violent and graphic in the sense its opening pages began with the descriptive murder of 14-year-old girl.
I read the book back then and have now recently seen the movie. I liked them both and recommend either for anyone who has lost a child. It will bring tears but what does not? There will be tears of horror, tears of empathy, tears of remembrance, tears of revived pain, tears of the joy of discovery, tears of recognition, and tears of relief that we are not crazy. Although this book/movie is fictional, the reality of our children’s spirit connecting with us left behind is not. It happens and it happens a lot.
In 1979, the movie “The Amityville Horror” was released, and was soon be followed by the movie “Poltergeist” in 1982 and “Ghostbusters” in 1984. All three of these films did damage to our cultures view of life after death as the afterlife was conveyed as one of great horror, fear and unrest. It wasn’t until 1990, with the release of the movie “Ghost,” did we find a movie depicting ghosts as loving spirits. “Ghost” stirred quite an awareness and curiosity about the very real possibility of life after death and even the validity of mediums. By 1995, three mediums emerged nationally and word wide that took the nation’s media by storm: Sylvia Brown, James Van Praagh and John Edward. Their books and appearances fueling even more interest in the afterlife.
In 1998 the movie “What Dreams May Come” was released with Robin Williams, then in 2004 “The Five People You Meet In Heaven” was released both movies similar in the fact they were trying to convey a vivid imagery of the afterlife. The movies also raised some heated religious controversy as well.
A few years later in 2007 the release of the book “The Shack” stirred the country’s curiosity again once again about the reality of life after death, as well as a very real glimpse into the horror and pain of losing a child in one’s life.
I think the movie/book “The Lovely Bones” is the most compelling for the bereaved parent and sibling, as it dramatically illustrates the different journeys the loss of child can take the parent on as they together and individually try to process the unspeakable, the death of their child. They experience complicated grief with their daughter’s death being an unsolved murder involving police activity, media coverage and endless court dates.
It shows a dad’s obsession to find the killer, a mom’s struggle to accept the reality of their daughter’s absence in their lives, and the forgotten mourners, the siblings, floundering in the middle. They eventually discover that by NOT letting go and in reality embracing the spirit of their child and sibling, they found true healing in their lives. The happy American family was ripped apart, never to be the same again. But they discovered hope in the truth that life is eternal and that every end is a new beginning.
The novel’s title stems from a line toward the end of the novel, in which Susie (the child murdered) ponders her friends’ and family’s newfound strength after her death: “These were the lovely bones that had grown around my absence: the connections — sometimes tenuous, sometimes made at great cost, but often magnificent — that happened after I was gone.”
The title The Lovely Bones sounds at first like a disturbing oxymoron, but the author does describe well her meaning in metaphor, and I do find it concus with my own thoughts about the death of a loved one. In has been 22 years since my son died and some magnificent things have happened in my life and countless other lives that are directly related to his passing and the all-consuming grief for our great loss.
We cannot change what has transpired but we can change the world that we have left as we live our loss, embrace our loved one’s spirit and process our grief proactively. Changing the world in a positive way, keeping my son’s legacy alive with my actions, embracing the moment, speaking from my heart and showing compassion to all in need are the lovely bones in my grief journey. What are yours?
“The most difficult thing, but an essential one is to love life. To love it even while one suffers, because life is all…” –Leo Tolstoy
Mitch Carmody
Tags: grief, hope
Dear Mitch,
First, I would like to say, I’m so sorry for loss of your young son, Kelly.
I will not even pretend to understand your loss and all you endured. And in all honesty I hope I will never know the magnitude of the loss of one of my own childre.
I have read a few of your articles. I was very interested in your review of “The Lovely Bones”. I read the article and re read the article. I liked readng what you were able to take from the book.
In that story of Susie Salmon (like the fish), I am playing the part of the sibling, the sister. I am the youngest of 4 girls. My second oldest sister, Sandra, died in September of 2009. It will be 5 monthes next Thursday that I received that phone call. I can recall those first 9 days as if it was yesterday. Although my sister was 44 year older than Susie, Sandra was 58, the death of a loved one by homicide is truamatic and I’m learning as the months go by, very complicated. Sandra was a school teacher for 37 of her 58 years. She taught elementary school. The last ten years of her life she taught 4th and 5th graders at Crestview Elementary. She dedicated her life to teaching. The most magnificant lesson she taught me was unconditional love and acceptance. We loved each other no matter what.
For me to hear over the phone that she had died, was unthinkable. I live 800 miles away from the rest of my family, I have for 9 years. I was able to call my husband home from work immediately. At the time of the phone call, no one had an idea what happened. I remember distictly being on my hands and knees, begging God to let it me a heart attack, a stroke, anything like that so perhpas I would understand it. That phone call came at 9 am. My world paused. My husband and I went through the motions of preparing for the 13 hour drive.
Packing clothes, paying bills, going to the bank to get cash, filling the car with fuel. I did the packing along with help from my sister in law. He took care of the other tasks. Are goal was to leave home as soon as we could and it looked like it would be close to 3 pm. I went through the motions of packing, not paying attention to what clothes to take. My husband returned home and finished helping me pack. He was in the process of loading the car when my cell phone rang. It was my niece, Sandra’s only child, a 24 year old. I answered the phone, she and I cried together. She then very bravely said to me, the police have ruled it a homicide. If my world paused when I received the first phone call, it must have stopped, at least momemtarily with that phone call. My husband was there to ‘catch’ me. It’s still difficult for me to put into words the array of emotions and thoughts that race through your mind at that exact moment. Why? Who? When? How? Not to mention what seemed to be my unaswered begging to God. I tell you all of this, so you may understand why I find comfort in the book “The Lovely Bones”.
I read the book in 2002, it made the Oprahs Book Club. A month or so after we buried my beautiful sister, it was the only book I was able to read. Perhaps because I had read it before and I knew what happened. In re reading the book, it was amazing how I could see and understand some of what was going on in the book in an entirely different light. I can now, pretty much plug in one of our family members to each character in the book. I think, the most comforting thing I took from the book, was Susie’s descripton of heaven. As childlike as it seems, it’s simple, not complex and easy for me to believe.
You describe the sibling as the ‘forgotten’ mourners. A very true statement.
I’ve searched and searched for reading material on sibling loss and sibling loss when the loss is a homicide and I feel that you’re right. The forgotten mourners.
I’ve tried to apply to write for this sight. I am not an expert in the grief field. I am an expert in my own grief though. I have a lot to say, a lot to share. Oh, and by the way, I started journaling early on in this process. I’ve been writing letters to Sandra for quite some time now. Perhaps my own book is in order. I have quite a ways to go before I’ll be to that point.
At least it’s a thought.
Thank you for your writings. I enjoy reading them. With the birth of you second grandchild and knowing the babies Uncle Kelly was close by, warmed me. My own daughter has recently learned she is expecting their first child, my first grandchild. She is due in September. Perhaps September will be viewed as a “re birth” month instead of a death month. We shall see.
Sincerely,
Shirley
Dear dear Shirley
Thank you for responding, I am so sorry for the loss of Sandra in your life and the horrific factors that caused her death. It seems siblings are just supposed to muddle on through this grief journey and that is so wrong….and most everyone else is expected to” get over it “at least a year later. All hogwash; You love hard, you grieve hard and it takes as long as it take, period. So many variables destroy our future’s status quo. We learn to live the new status quo, and the unknown is scary at any age.
I lost my twin sister Sandra at age 28 in 1985, her two young boys died with her in the accident, her 18 month old B/G twins were at home. I contacted the responsible driver exactly 20 years after the night of the accident, that’s another whole story.
My sister Sandra and I both attended Crestview Elementary in Cottage Grove MN. I am not sure where the Crestview Elementary you speak of is geographically but your mention of it gave me goose bumps.
Grief is a long bumpy road and you are in the very early part of the journey, disbelief is still on the back burner of consciousness, fading but always nagging to gain control. My heart goes out to you; never stop believing she is so close by, that belief is my only real catharsis.
Congratulations Grandma!!!!
Becoming a grandparent has been the only thing that has brought joy back to my heart after losing my son, it feels so good to stretch those wings of joy again after so long. Do not be surprised if the date is matches up in some magical way, expect the many signs that may come, love is the most powerful energy we know.
God bless you and thanks again for writing, it means a lot
Be the light you seek
Mitch