I am so sorry for your loss, I know what it feels like to lose an older brother to a suicide. Although I am a male. To be honest, I really can not comment on your current situation or say what is ‘supposed to be’ and what is ‘not supposed to be’. I can however share my experience and maybe it will help.
I lost my brother to a suicide in 2007 so it has been over 5 years. I am doing everything i can to live a some what normal life. I am still not over my brother’s death as some days unbearable grief consumes me and i experience the pain of my loss as though it happened yesterday,
I grew up in family abuse and dis-function, and my older brother was the rock that i leaned on throughout my child hood. I currently struggle with feelings of shame because I invested so much of my brothers identity in me, and now that he has died of a suicide I am left lost and confused. I rarely talk about my brothers suicide outside a handful of people. And when i do have to talk about his death to a new person, i say he died in a car accident. To me, it is much easier and i dont have to go into any painful detail with a person who i dont want to share with.
Trust has been a very sensitive area of my life, as people close to me have hurt me. It is extremely hard for me to let someone in my life. I do not trust in a lot of new relationships, especially romantic ones. I don’t believe there is anyone out there who understands the pain i hold inside. I feel as though no one knows my pain, The only person who knew what it was like growing up in my family dis-function and abuse was my brother who killed himself.
Although i have a really long road ahead of me, I do have hope, and i have experienced hope and positive things like love and grace and gratitude. Life is hard, but honestly i would not trade my life for any one else’s.
Also, i know i struggle with trusting people, but trusting in a higher power has helped me out enormously. My God loves me more than i can love myself. He forgives me more than i can forgive myself. and he understands me more than i understand myself .