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I am reaching out. I would like to hear experiences of others who started this journey of grief. Were you able to find face to face groups to meet with?
No, I have not found a group, as until I have my husband buried and his parents as well, I feel I will not be done and have any type of closure.
Hi
I have been widowed 18 months now and i also is reaching out and would like to hear how you all are dealing with your grief so I can find out did face to face with a group helped or talking on phone with some one helpedhi…I’m newly widowed,tomorrow will be one month.my husband and I were married 30 years.I’m having a hard time dealing with
the loneness.He was my best friend and I miss him all the time.Karen, I lost my younger brother 3.5 years ago. Just know that these first few months are just miserable. Actually, the first 6 months and year are so excruciating. Just breathe and perhaps get this meditation book that helped me daily called “Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief.” It has something written for each day of the year and when I’m struggling most I look to it. The thing about grief is that it changes, the worst part of all of it is what you’re going through right now – eventually things will ease up, the pain will lessen and you will begin to remember your husband in a happy way rather than the most painful way that it feels right now. I’m so sorry for your loss, I know there’s not much people can say in ways to comfort you, but be easy on yourself and allow yourself to be very sad, that’s an important part of the process and try to do things that allow you to relax as a break from the sadness. I cried every day for the first 3 months and then every other day for a while before I started to have moments where the loss didn’t take up all of my brain power. After Chase died I got a pug, not right away but a few months later and that seemed to bring a lot of joy to my life. It helped with the loneliness. I’ll be thinking about you. Cassie
Karen, I’m so sorry about your loss. It does get easier, but it takes time. Be patient with yourself. Allow yourself to cry, and do whatever you can to nourish your body, your mind, your soul. If you are hurting, your body is, too, so listen to your body and honor what it is telling you. The body’s only signals are comfort and discomfort. If you can always try to move in the direction of comfort, you’ll feel better, and your body will, too. The book that helped me a lot was “Streams in the Desert #1,” by Mrs. Charles Cowman. There is an older version and a newer one, too. I preferred the older one because of the language, but both versions are excellent. There is a passage for each day. Most of all, be kind and compassionate with yourself, and know you are doing the best you can at any given moment. You are not in this alone, even when it seems as though you are. I’ll be holding you in my prayers. Donna
My husband of 33 years died suddenly and unexpectedly a little over 4 months ago. I wasn’t with him when it happened. I don’t think it would have changed the outcome, but I wonder sometimes if it would have. I miss him with every fiber of my being. I have some days that don’t hurt as much as others, but most days it is all I can do to get through the day. I am seeing a grief counselor and she says that what I am feeling is normal. That doesn’t make it easier. I am overwhelmed by the many things that he did that now I have to do. We shared everything and all tasks. I miss how he would come in the house and say “Hi honey I’m home!”. My grief counselor suggested I start journaling and I found a good app for my iPad called Quiller and it has been helpful to write things down. I keep trying to imagine a future without him and I just can’t see it. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. Once I scatter his ashes, what then? I just don’t know how I can go on after that.
I’m so sorry for your loss of your husband. So many questions now How do I go on? Does it get easier? I lost my husband 11 years ago suddenly and unexpectedly within 6 weeks of him being diagnosed with cancer. My head was in a spin our son was leaving for college and I still had my daughter graduating from HS and joining her brother in Florida. I though an empty house what am I going to do. Well it was hard very hard but I kept myself busy day after day. Six years later I lost my Mom and 6 months later I lost my son. That is when I thought like you are thinking now what. It has taken me many times to bounce back into reality and I had to keep telling myself my angels are watching me and I have to learn to live again and live life to the fullest because I will never know when it will be my time. I went back to school became a Social Worker (it is never to late I’m in my middle 50′s). I help the needed and live for my daughters and two granddaughters. You will never forget and never stop loving and missing your husband but we must continue to live on. Please reply to me I would love to keep chatting.
Regards
Mallory05I’m so sorry about your loss. Four months is really soon, so don’t get discouraged. Your counselor was right. What you are experiencing is normal.
I understand your feeling overwhelmed. Not only do you have the loss to work through, but all the additional responsibilities now, too. My husband and I shared everything, too. I found if I tried to pace “getting everything done,” it helped. A little at a time. You’ll figure it out, so please be patient with yourself. You have a lot of healing to do.
Journaling is excellent. I’m glad you got started on that. Eventually you’ll be able to look back and see how far you’ve come.
I felt like you did after losing my husband so suddenly. I’d lost my purpose. My meaning for life was gone. Even my sense of identity felt shattered. Then the first Christmas after he died, my daughter gave me a little plaque that quotes Jer. 29:11 which says, “For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord – to give you a future and a hope.” I cried when I read that. How could that possibly apply to me? But it did, and it does for you, too.
Not knowing what else to do, I started asking, “What do you want me to do now, Lord? Where do I go from here?” and I kept asking the questions – every day. Before I knew it, amazing doors opened and a whole new way of life unfolded before me. So even though it may seem so, all is not lost. God does have a plan for you.
You are not alone. Your husband is still with you in your heart. Relationships do change, but they do not end.
It takes a lot of deep breaths to work through a loss like yours. I mean that both literally and figuratively. So try taking a lot of slow, deep breaths every day. When we are grieving, our breathing tends to be shallow, but the body gets the oxygen it needs from the bottom of the lungs. If you can take 10 or 20 slow deep breaths first thing in the morning, and again later in the day when you feel the need to, it will help you physically and emotionally, too.
You can work through this. I know you can, because If I could do this, you can, too. My love to you…Donna
Great reply. So many things I could have said like as in journaling and did not. I always refer to my lost loved ones still here. Meaning I always always ask them What should I do now? Or if a situation happen I also ask them to guide me and follow me through the situation. You are right if you worked through this and I worked through this I know that we all can that have lost loved ones.
Thank you
Donna
CindyThank you, Cindy. As you already know, working through a loss like this is really tough. It was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. Life truly is a school. While I never would have volunteered for that particular school, I realize now that what I did learn could not have been learned any other way. We just have to take life a day at a time, trusting that all things are working together for our good, even when we cannot see how it could possibly be that way.
Bless you…
Thanks everyone. I guess that I will get through it as there really is no other option. But it just doesn’t feel right. I sit outside and watch the birds and wish I were dead. Then the next minute something will catch my attention and I will feel better. Then the sun will make a pattern on the ground and I’ll remember how much he liked that and I just cry. I talk to my friends about it but they don’t really understand. I feel like I am becoming a whiny weepy widow. I hate that word. I hate how I went from wife to widow in the blink of an eye.
Hi txdaisycat, I also lost my husband of 30 years in January. He left for work and never came home. I feel alot of the same emotions
as you and i also have a hard time dealing with the pain. I’ve been taking small baby steps to help me get through the hour,day or week.Please message me maybe we can help each other. KarenThanks chasesister and Donna for your replys…I will check out those books you mentioned. Should I sign up for grief counseling? do you think it would help? Karen
Karen is right, txdaisycat. Small steps is definitely the way. You might want to check out my February 28 article, “Spirit Lifters for Tough Times,” on this site. It lists things you can do to nurture yourself and help with the healing process.
I understand how you feel about not wanting to go on. I also reached the point where I was ready to “throw in the towel.” It was just too much. That was when I called our minister, who was also a very good friend, and told her, “I just can’t do it!” She had been through this, too, and her answer gave me the lift I needed: “Oh yes you can! You can ~ and you will!” And you will, too.
As for being a “widow,” yes, that is now your legal description, but you are so much more than that. Just think about all the different roles you’ve played – wife, mother (?), daughter, friend, and many others, I’m sure. But most importantly, you are yourself and that self has the potential for many others roles, too. So don’t let the word “widow” box you in.
There really isn’t any way others can understand what you are going through unless they’ve been through it, too. It would be like trying to tell someone what it’s like to have a baby. So accept their sympathy, but know that this is your journey, and it will be whatever to decide to make it.
As for counseling, let your heart lead you. If you feel you need the help, then act on it. Only you will know the answer to that.
If you think it would be of any help, my book, “From Grief to Joy,” tells the story of my journey through grief. Included are some guided meditations that also might be of help. ~ And that reminds me – if you aren’t meditating, I strongly recommend it. Learning to meditate literally was the light at the end of the tunnel for me. I studied with Dr. Deepak Chopra, and eventually became certified to teach it. Meditation takes you to that part of yourself where there is only peace. Bringing that peace back into your daily life allows the healing to begin in earnest.
I hope this helps. It has been an honor to be there for you.
Much love, Donna
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