What is Palliative Care and Hospice? If you have been told that your loved one is terminally ill, this article will help you identify palliative care, hospice, advanced care planning, Five Wishes, and questions to ask during this difficult time. Let’s first look at palliative care,which helps individuals improve their quality of life by providing [...]
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With Her Father in the Final Days
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September 21, 2011
2 Responses
“All the leaves are brown; and the sky is grey …” The Mamas and Papas The verbs and functions began to fall away like the September leaves. Some faster than others, the “helicopters” spiraled to their demise and others quietly and unhurriedly floated to the ground. One thing was undeniable – they were never to [...]
Hospice Volunteer Never Felt ‘So Close to God’ Before
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August 19, 2011
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I don’t think there is anything more gratifying then working with hospice. A few years after my son’s death, I decided to sign up for the training sessions, which surprisingly many people after they lose a loved one. I had started to write about my son and felt that working with hospice would be a [...]
First Steps: What to Do When Cancer is the Diagnosis
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August 16, 2011
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“Oh, Ruth, I think this is a cancer.” These were the words uttered by Dr. Hiram Cody, a breast cancer surgeon, after an initial physical examination of the wife of a fellow physician, Dr. Peter Bach. And with that simple statement, Dr. Bach wrote, “Down into the tunnel Ruth and I stumbled, into the strange, [...]
Does Jesus Like Chocolate?
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July 18, 2011
3 Responses
She was staring at the glass of chocolate Ensure. “Annie” didn’t like chocolate but was so devout in her Catholicism that she did not want to offend Jesus. She looked up at me and asked, “Does Jesus like chocolate?” It was such a funny question and I stifled a laugh, because I knew she was [...]
Negotiating with God, Dreaming of Chocolate Cake
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July 6, 2011
2 Responses
The first time I met “Gary,” we ended up talking for over two hours. He was in his late 60s and had throat cancer, evidenced by a protruding plum-sized tumor on his neck which he covered with turtlenecks. He explained his spiritual beliefs and told me he wasn’t afraid to die. In fact, when he [...]
Woman Finds it Hard to Trust after Sister’s Murder
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March 26, 2011
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“A normal reaction to a very abnormal situation.” My psychologist spoke those words to me so often in the months following my sister’s murder. Choosing to seek the help of psychologist was one of the most important decisions I made. I discussed so many emotions and feelings with her. Emotions and feelings I would have [...]
I Miss My Kaila
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March 23, 2011
3 Responses
My daugher passed away 7 mos ago. A poorly performed homicide investigation was done and closed. Kaila, a beautiful, energetic, strong, caring, dedicated 1st time mom,decided to go chill with a few friends. She kissed me wednesday on her way out. We spoke several times that day. At 18 she was very responsible and since [...]
Mom Opens to Forgiveness After Son’s Murder
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March 12, 2011
5 Responses
I don’t find forgiveness a very easy concept to deal with after the murder of my son. My 24-year-old son Peter was kicked to death by bouncers in Atlantic City, NJ, in July 2001 during a bachelor party. For reasons that remain unclear, one bouncer took Peter out of the club about 4:00 AM, roughed [...]
‘How Long Will It Take?’
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March 11, 2011
2 Responses
Grieving people, their friends and family frequently ask me the question: “How Long Will It Take?” So many of their friends have their own ideas about the right length of time for grief and mourning. Those friends freely make their opinions known to those who are bereaved or suffering from other life losses. Clients will [...]
‘Stumbling in the Darkness’ After Loss of Daughter
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February 26, 2011
2 Responses
As I sat there in the waiting room of the oily garage just outside of Sevierville, TN, anticipating the very long drive home to Florida, my 18-year-old daughter was flipping through racing magazines and telling me all about her new friend. Emily had only one real date with him, and I knew that they were [...]
How to Listen to Someone Who’s Grieving
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February 17, 2011
7 Responses
We had just gone to bed when the phone rang. The call was from a member of the ambulance team. She called to tell us our daughter had been injured in a car crash. “It’s really bad,” she concluded. I can still hear her words in my mind and, painful as they were, they helped [...]
First Responder Learned Calm from Grandmother
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January 19, 2011
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I was born in the mountains of North Carolina and grew up on a small farm with my grandparents. All of my family were members of the local Baptist Church. My grandfather passed away when I was five. His passing was sudden and extremely painful for me. During the funeral, the entire family was eerily [...]
Before and After
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January 10, 2011
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Have you ever noticed how when we lose a loved one, over time we measure events and time by before and after. My son graduated from college before Dad died. My daughter graduated from college after Dad died. I often think how my life has changed, what is different now, after Dad died. Before [...]
Why One Person’s Grief Affects All of Us
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December 12, 2010
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If anyone believes that losses experienced by others is not their concern, I’d ask them to think again. The cost, both individually and collectively, to our society of those experiencing complications from mourning is astronomical and all encompassing. Complex or complicated mourning can be the result of multiple deaths, the death of a child, death [...]
My Sister’s Murder: The Questions Continue
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October 27, 2010
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On September 18th, my sister, Sandra, was found dead in her home. It was ruled a homicide later that day. Within a few days we had received the answers to two of our questions. When and How. The time of death was recorded as shortly after 9 am, when she was pronounced dead in her [...]
Following Sister’s Murder, Questions Abound
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July 5, 2010
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How many of us have watched the news, listened to the terrible details of a homicide and thought to ourselves “that poor family”? I would venture to say most of us have had that thought. I did. I would hear news like that think to myself or say to my husband, “that poor family,” and [...]
First Hours After a Sister’s Murder: Big Questions
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June 12, 2010
1 Response
Many people have suffered some kind of loss of a loved one through death. Personally, I’ve lost both sets of grandparents, my father, two uncles and four aunts, not to mention family friends. But nothing prepared me for the questions — and complications — that followed my sister’s death. My sister died on September 18, [...]
Dying Stands Logic on its Head
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January 26, 2010
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We often harshly judge behaviors we don’t understand. They can involve someone’s ingratitude or anger, or actions we label as foolish. I recently was guilty of the same thing here in the San Francisco Bay area with one of my hospice patients. Her ALS (amyotrophic lateral sclerosis), also known as Lou Gehrig’s Disease, left her [...]
Do the Holidays Feel Like Too Much? How Caregivers and Families Find Joy in the Season
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December 27, 2009
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Do you feel like there’s just too much to do during the holiday season? If you’re caregiving, I’d be willing to bet that your stress levels are ramping on up there about now. It’s not that it’s not all good – the tree, the gifts, the home baked cookies, the parties, the family gatherings, the lights. Every one [...]
The Yin and Yang of Caring for Terminally Ill Child
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December 14, 2009
1 Response
Alternative therapies weren’t the first line of defense when our five-and-a-half month old was diagnosed with cancer. We opted for what was proven; we put Madison’s life in the hands of exceptional pediatric oncologists, surgeons, radiologists, nurses and anesthesiologists. If untreated, the cancer was sure to kill her, but so could the treatment. We threw every recommended [...]
’60 Minutes’ Deserves Praise for Challenging Culture’s Denial of Death
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November 30, 2009
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The 60 Minutes segment on end of life expenses did more than highlight inappropriate medical costs. It spoke to the role of medical technology in our cultural denial of death. As medical technology becomes more sophisticated in forestalling our inevitable end, we mistake “prolonging life” for “immortality.” Instead of treating death as a necessary price [...]
Helping the Grieving Child in School
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November 23, 2009
1 Response
Children’s grief should be seen as an ongoing life process that is approachable through words, activities and non-verbal communication. Educators can use this understanding to create a safe environment for parents, teachers and children to acknowledge and process difficult feelings. So often adults rely on the prevailing myth that children are too young too grieve. [...]
Six Things to Do for An Easier Death
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October 30, 2009
3 Responses
People who were dying in the Middle Ages said their goodbyes, gave away the furniture, and just stopped breathing. The non-event was witnessed by friends and family, who, at the moment of death, absconded with anything of value. Later, they might gather to either celebrate or deride the person’s life. Today, although we rarely fight [...]
The Unlikely Caregiver: Black Sheep of the Family
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October 25, 2009
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Life is funny. Sometimes the most rebellious of us, the teen gone bad, the unwed mother of three, the Harley brother in leather and bandanas and lots of tattoos becomes the best caregiver, the most thoughtful son–or daughter. Why? Sometimes those who travel counter to society have the most tender souls. Sometimes the battle with their [...]
