Grieving Mother-Loss Different for Everyone

“You’re not angry you didn’t spend that time with your mother?” a friend asked me over dinner last night.

About six months before my mom died, it was obvious the end was near. In a practical sense, I prepared for my mother’s death. I canceled my study abroad semester in Italy. I acted more responsible in my day-to-day life. In other ways, I didn’t. My mother and I spoke rarely in those last six months. And I only planned a few trips back home. The last thing she ever said to me was, “This isn’t the last time we’ll see each other.” In my denial, I remember thinking, “Of course it isn’t.”

To my friend’s point, I could be angry that my parents didn’t insist I come home. Who knows? Maybe someday I will be angry. However, what I think about it is less important than the fact that I am thinking about it. I have committed to figuring out what my feelings are and how they continue to evolve.

Losing a Mother

When my mother lost her mother, she was 39. I was 9. I remember standing in the dining room seeing her on the phone receiving the news in a patch of full grocery bags. First she asked if I was O.K. I had just lost my Scrabble partner, pudding distributor and close friend. It was my first loss. I didn’t really understand how to respond so I looked to my mom for clues. She looked sad but didn’t cry. I followed suit by sulking over my geography homework.

Everyone’s Story is Special

My mother openly acknowledged her mother wasn’t a great parent, yet she never seemed angry about it. Her mother had reasons: rights at the time for women, social expectations of women, financial limitations. I remember that my mother never held a grudge; at the same time, she didn’t pretend their relationship was something it was not when her mother died.

While my mother losing her mother didn’t elicit the same type of reaction mine did for her, both are authentic. Both should be accepted and embraced. Confronting any profound life experience requires commitment and patience.

It’s been five years since I lost my mother and to some the prospect of thinking that coping part is not over might be too overwhelming. Instead of seeing the enormity of a lifelong commitment as a burden, I like to think of it as an exploration with limitless potential. I look forward to those days when I uncover a new story about my mother or the days when I relive a conversation we had from a new perspective.

How I Cope

I feel incredibly grateful for the time I did have with my mother. I believe that gratitude unto itself brings the same type of love I experienced with her into my life today. For my mother, she didn’t speak about her mother much but every year we went to the cemetery on her mother’s birthday and paid our respects. People are free to agree or disagree with others in life and in grief as long as it’s done with love, acceptance and respect.

Lauren Muscarella 2011

Lauren Muscarella

More Articles Written by Lauren

Lauren started the blog Mama Quest (http://mamaquest.org) in May 2010 to share stories of her journey through loss after losing her mother in 2006 at age 20. The blog also serves as an outlet to pass on wisdom she received from her mother, who died of breast cancer at 52. After an overwhelmingly positive response to the blog, she launched Trauma to Art (http://trauma2art.com), a movement to support and facilitate creative expression from those who have experienced loss. Now Lauren works to build the Trauma to Art community while writing a book of creative arts therapy activities for confronting grief as well as preserving the memory of lost loved ones. In her spare time, Lauren enjoys volunteering, traveling, wine tasting, and learning to speak French.

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  • Tam says:

    I am been torn and in all honestly deep down I can not take two steps back just to ease someone elses; last wishes. Iam talking about my contolling, extremely violend sadist and cruel Mother of mine. I severved sll communicaion ten years ago as she has not changed and di not wantto change. She figured everone else had all th eproblems and she had the major key. Mi dilimia is that do I give in on her death bed to say good buy or let go and let God? My brother is a 13 th vetteran of crack iddiction so e has no input.