It was only in the sanctuary of Dr. Walter’s office that I began to feel safe enough to talk about my mother’s suicide. His voice was calming. It was a relief to talk openly with someone who would listen to my dread.

As a troubled teenager, I was stealing things and acting out, and finally I ran away from home to, of all places, my all-girls school, where my principal found me in the morning. That was the last straw in my father’s mind, and he and my stepmother placed a call to Dr. Walter.

By listening more than anyone had ever listened about what mattered most, Dr. Walter helped me understand the process I was going through in dealing with the aftermath of my mother’s painful and mystifying death, which occurred when I was only four years old. His unconditional acceptance restored my confidence and with his guidance I realized that my mother’s suicide wasn’t my fault—a fear I’d secretly believed.

With the support of others, from my father, to Dr. Walter who listened to my anguish, to schoolteachers who cared deeply, as a teenager I looked to the past to make sense of my life as I forged a future. The youngest of six children, I still carry a small child’s wish to make it all right, to fix things. Perhaps that is why I became a psychiatrist specializing in at-risk teenagers, knowing what a difference having a safe harbor, and someone who openly listens, can make in our lives.

While I may have been exonerated from my guilt in Dr. Walter’s office, my curiosity, questions, and desire to know who my mother was and why she died never went away. Healing is definitely an ongoing process. It took me 18 years to write my memoir; but what about those who choose to heal privately, and in different ways?

To those affected by suicide, I encourage seeking help, be it a support group, a physician, some way to process the complex response of making sense of a death that often leaves us perplexed. And for those disjointed by bipolar disorder or depression, I want to stress that help is available, and that medicine can be a lifesaving prescription. In order to heal, each of us must find the courage to break the silence of grief and reach out. There is hope.

Tags: grief, hope