How Friends Can Help after a Suicide

So many people get stuck when it comes to comforting someone who is grieving. They don’t know what to say. They don’t know what to do. So they send flowers, they bring over a casserole for the already filled to the brim freezer, they send a sweet card, or in some cases they just avoid the issue entirely, thinking maybe it will just go away. Even some of the people go away.

Almost immediately after my son Paul’s funeral, people began to disappear. Perhaps they were threatened or couldn’t face the realities of my life. Maybe my loss and grief brought too many reminders of the losses and grief in their own lives. Maybe they thought what I had just experienced was contagious.

For someone who is grieving, any kind of human contact and kindness helps except avoidance and disappearance.

A death by suicide makes the situation even more touchy because people don’t like to say that word out loud. Even my mother couldn’t say the word “suicide” after my son took his life. When people asked her what happened, all she could say was, “something terrible.” And she criticized me for being so open when she heard me telling friends who came to our house any of the details. Her behavior during the early months after my son’s death was more a hindrance than a comfort to me.

My greatest comfort after our son’s death came from my next-door neighbor, Patty. My husband and I had her family over for dinner when they moved into their house, and we went out to dinner with her and her husband once in a while, but she and I were just a bit more than cool acquaintances.

I had always found her too loud – I could hear her yelling at her stepson and son through both our exterior walls. And I thought she was too nosy – she always seemed to poke her nose outside whenever I was out in the garden. She was just too domineering and much too pushy for my taste. I couldn’t believe her chutzpah when she appeared at our door with her oldest daughter and a six-pack of beer as soon as she found out we had two young, handsome, male houseguests – my nephew and his friend – staying with us for a few weeks. That was the end of my patience – for a while.

After my Paul died, she really came through. She offered to put up out-of-town relatives, she brought over bagels and cream cheese in the mornings while we had hordes of people in and out of our house, and she supplied the coffee for the open house after the funeral. She was just there in a very quiet nonintrusive way – a way that I had never seen in her before. Also, the word “suicide” didn’t make her back off.

Patty left a basket on my doorstep just before the first Thanksgiving we were without Paul. Her note said that she dreaded the holidays after her mother died, so she gathered a few things to ease the holiday season for me. As I read her note and looked through the basket, I cried, not only out of the dread of not having Paul with us on Thanksgiving, Hanukah, and his New Year’s Eve birthday, but for the generosity and caring of a person I hardly knew and had never liked very much. In such a quiet and unassuming way, she showed me real human compassion and understanding. And most important to me at that time, she never asked me a lot of questions or intruded on my privacy. She just let me know she was there if I needed her.

Among the items in the basket – each one separately wrapped – was a poetry book about coping with the loss of a love, and that was the first book after Paul’s death that I managed to read. A journal, a sweet smelling candle, a box of delicious chocolate covered graham crackers, and a smooth gray stone were also in the basket.

This stone became my biggest comfort. Just large enough to fit in the palm of my hand, it feels the perfect size when I close my hand around it. One edge is round and the other is triangular. One side is plain; the other has the word “son” carved into it. Right after Patty left the basket on my doorstep, my little stone became my friend.

I took it to bed with me. Once settled, I placed it on my chest just between my breasts. I liked its coldness on my heart. It helped me relax. Holding it in my hand and reading the word with my thumb also helped. I carried it around in my pocket for a while during the day just to feel it close to me. And then, I began to wonder about my own sanity. Was I trying to exchange my son for a stone?

When I began to feel better, I let go of it and let it rest on another item from that basket – a little, silk-covered, lavender sachet pillow with butterflies and the word “heal” painted on the silk. These two gifts from Patty are still there on my bedside table after all these years.

I’m sorry to say, Patty died this year after a two and a half year battle with pancreatic cancer. Now I miss hearing her voice from the other side of our fence. I miss seeing her out in her garden from my office window. I’ll always remember her kindness and understanding at my greatest time of need.

Madeline Sharples 2012

Madeline Sharples

More Articles Written by Madeline

Madeline Sharples studied journalism in high school and college and wrote for the high school newspaper, but only started to fulfill her dream to work as a creative writer and journalist late in life. In the meantime, she worked most of her professional life as a technical writer and editor, grant writer, and proposal manager. She sold real estate for ten years while her boys were growing up, and instead of creative writing, she took creative detours into drawing and painting, sewing, quilting, and needlepoint. Her memoir, Leaving the Hall Light On: A Mother’s Memoir of Living with Her Son’s Bipolar Disorder and Surviving His Suicide, was released in hardback in 2011. Dream of Things publishers has recently released paperback and eBook editions. It tells the steps she took in living with the loss of her oldest son, first and foremost that she chose to live and take care of herself as a woman, wife, mother, and writer. She hopes that her story will inspire others to find ways to survive their own tragic experiences. She also co-authored Blue-Collar Women: Trailblazing Women Take on Men-Only Jobs (New Horizon Press, 1994), co-edited the poetry anthology, The Great American Poetry Show, Volumes 1 and 2, and wrote the poems for two photography books, The Emerging Goddess and Intimacy (Paul Blieden, photographer). Her poems have also appeared online and in print magazines. Madeline’s articles appear regularly in the Huffington Post, Naturally Savvy, PsychAlive, and Aging Bodies. She also posts at her blogs, Choices and at Red Room. She is currently writing an historical fiction book, but her main mission is raising awareness, educating, and erasing the stigma of mental illness and suicide, through her writing and volunteer work, in the hopes of saving lives.

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  • Your beautiful story touches my heart, Madeline, and it’s a good lesson for all of us. There isn’t one among us who has not misjudged another based on first impressions, and I am certainly guilty of this. I also appreciate your detailed description of what your neighbor placed in that basket ~ ideas we all can use. From my heart to yours, thank you so much! ♥

  • Thank you so much, Marty. Yes, we’re all guilty of misjudging people at first glance. Patty’s generosity and sensitivity was a huge lesson for me.
    All best to you. xo

  • Hello Madeline!

    Once again I am moved by your post sharing so many important messages. I loved the fact that the neighbour you had judged turned out to be one of your biggest supporters in your loss of Paul. The gifts she left you, the small stone that became so valued, important and comforting was very poignant. Like Marty, I also appreciated hearing what the individual gifts were as so many wonder what to give to help, and done in such an unassuming way. Sorry to hear Patty passed, she sounds as though she entered your life exactly when you needed her. Thanks for this amazing post, I’m definitely sharing it on my page too. It never ceases to amaze me how many incredible lessons come from our grief. <3

  • Lynda Beth says:

    Dear Madeline, Once again your writing rings clear, true and deep!

    Thank you for writing this with its profound points on the power of love, compassion and acceptance of our neighbors!

  • Thank you all for your lovely and kind comments. Yes, it is amazing how many lessons and gifts (besides the tangible ones) we receive from our losses and grief. I very much appreciate your reading my piece and joining me on Open to Hope.

  • Wendy pearce says:

    Thank you for this article. Like you some of my dear friends have have been there so much for me after the suicide of our 21yr old son 2 1/2 years ago. I sometimes feel so alone with it however but know you can cope with good people around you. Rowan is never out of my mind.

  • Shireen says:

    I lost my son through suicide very heartlessly and very mysteriously, cannot come to terms with his passing on to me he is still around I wait for him to come home, wait for that I love you mom and the big hug and love you dada(dad) and hugs his dad oh why I still dish up his portion and then give it to the birds I light a candle I fell very guilty if I am eating and did not dish up his portion I thought I was going crazy but his dad feels the same way my heart is broken and my spirit is crushed, his dad as well, he was a very loving child I really don’t have the will to live I lost the spirit it was very tough bring them up and then my son to leave before me, to date we are in shock more so he was so positive about life he achieved a lot he was so handsome…pain pain pain my son passed on 18/01/2017 our lives will never be the same I have two other children and they to are not taking it well we take each day as it comes…