Loss is So Complicated – Unexpected Triggers

Loss is So Complicated....

My feelings of grief and loss are complicated and intertwined within my very being.   After my husband Marty’s death in 2009, I wrote a poem called “Grief’s Cloak”.  An excerpt from that poem came back to “haunt” me recently.

“But wait!  Was I also trying to outrun grief? 

No hide and seek here, it was up ahead ~ my mourning was not complete.

Grief’s cloak is a harsh reminder that loss is real ~ it cannot be pushed away!

And, if not accepted, even honored, it will clip my wings and leave me unable to fly.

With this in mind, I have learned to say

 Welcome back Grief  ~ I acknowledge your presence!”

Grief reared up again after my recent hysterectomy and I knew that I had to acknowledge its presence.  Why, you might ask would this operation cause me to go into a place of mourning and loss?   Even though I had gone through menopause, and my ovaries and cervix no longer served a “purpose”, my womb represented my feminine core and it was alive with meaningful cellular memories.

I felt numb and shut down; angry and off-balance.  Some of this is the natural aftermath of major surgery and anesthesia.  But, the unexpected emotional ache I was experiencing felt dark and sad.  My womb was the place where Marty and I co-created three children (one of whom we lost in an early term miscarriage).   It was a sacred place where we gave the ultimate gift to each other – the combining of our cells to bring new life into the world – our sons.   I felt like I had just lost another piece of my husband and wondered how much more of his memory could I stand to lose?

As I struggled with all of these “complicated” feelings of loss after the hysterectomy, I began to journal again.   It was during one of these writing moments that I started to shift my belief system.   I realized that, although I had lost my physical womb, my spiritual womb was still intact and within me.   What and where you might ask am I talking about?  My shift took me on a journey to my heart, my spiritual “womb”.  It is from my heart that I love, remember and nurture; and it is where my feminine spirit is alive, strong and vibrant.

With this thought in mind, I blessed and released my physical womb with gratitude for what it brought into my life.  It is my intent is to honor and open my heart to life’s memories and possibilities every day that I can.  Yes, loss is complicated and grief can take on an unexpected shape in the blink of an eye, but when I am open and willing to “listen” to my inner voice, spiritual shifts can also happen which lead me to a place of hope and gratitude.

Laurel D. Rund – June 6th, 2012

Belief and Intent

Laurel D. Rund

More Articles Written by Laurel D.

It began in 2009 when a life-changing event transformed me into the woman I am today. Never could I have imagined that the death of my husband of 42 years would take me on a journey through loss and grief to a redefined sense of self. Death, an unexpected teacher, was my transformative metamorphosis. The slow and painful healing process unfolded my creativity and, in what I can only describe as a “new normal,” Essence of Laurel was born. "Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens." Khalil Gibran My first book, “Emerging Voices” has a purpose ~ to serve as a journal and healing catalyst for anyone who has experienced a loss. The art and poetry within is a testimony as to what can happen when we acknowledge grief in all its forms. It allows for the discovery of a new perspective which will lead you on a journey of self-discovery and renewal. “Art from the Heart” has become my playground; a place where I can tap into my innermost creativity as an inspirational writer and artist. The surprise is that it came at a time when I thought that the next chapters in my life would be lonely; without purpose or passion. Instead I have been given the gift of a renewed sense of life, its possibilities and most importantly, an appreciation for living in the present moment. Our human experience, whether in a crisis or a life transition, continuously gives us the opportunity to learn and grow. We can choose to stay in a place of sorrow and regret, or embrace these life-altering experiences from which we can discover a new way of being. My hope is that my writing and ‘Art from the Heart’ touches and inspires you. Laurel

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  • Tinnycua says:

    Thank you for those words. This year on November 6, 2012 it will be five years since my husband Wayne transitioned. Most days are pretty good days for me. Today in talking to a co -worker about a recent experience with 2 of my 3 kids in the park, I realized at that moment, that my issue at the time (I won’t bore you with the details) was that every time we go to the park or the store or most places that Wayne and I used to frequent with the kids is a reminder that he is not here. And then I had a moment. It was as if I was transported back to my initial grief. In any case thank you for the words it was such a source of comfort that I needed.