Hello, My name is Brenda. On Jan 3, 2006 my 15 year old son which was my best friend was hit by a car and never came home. Through this I have became anorexic. The pain and suffering has not changed since the day it happened. I see a therapist at least 3 times a week and have tried all meds avail with no help. I have read many books and have not gotten help from them either. I recluse. do not make contact with my friends and wish most of the time I would just die because the pain is so horrible. I experience severe chest pain, anxiety, panic attacks, I have so much trouble going into public by myself. Like I said above Derrick (my son) was my best friend so I dont get close to anyone as I am afraid they will leave me as well. I am open for any suggestions. Books, CD’s anything Please can you help me. The feeling has not changed since he didnt come home. I am so lost without him. Why do I keep living when I dont care if I do or dont.
Dr. Gloria Responds
Dear Brenda, We are so very sorry for you loss of your beloved son, Derrick. Nothing in our whole life prepares us as parent for the pain experienced after the loss of a child. It has not been two years since his accident – a short time for such grief. You need to give yourself all the time it takes to go through this process we call grieving. It is a process of trying to find balance again after everything has been knocked out from under you. Know that when you regain balance, life will be different. But life does return.
We e encourage you to stay in therapy because grief is hard and exhausting work. Continue to reach out. for help and, when you can, reach out to help someone else who is also in pain. Helping someone else is a great healer. Be gentle with yourself. There are many who have walked this path before you and made it. If they can make it so can you.
Below are some comments from our new book that I think can be helpful to you. My son was seventeen when he died in a car crash and these are some of my thoughts:
“So, who are you now, without your husband, child, parent, sibling, best friend? This loss is not fair, not possible, not real. I will not accept it now. It is not fair and not fun. I will rebel. I have been told all my life that if I wanted it badly enough I could have it! That hard work pays off and is all it takes! Winston Churchill said it best, “never give up, never never, never give up.” So I don’t. I fight it, I cry, I scream, I yell, I search, I fall, I shake, I wander, I forget, I fight sleep. But it does not bring my beloved back. I tell the story of how it could have been… Could have been avoided, how something I might have done (or not done) could have made a difference. Maybe if it was a different car or route. More early diagnosis. Better doctors. Different life styles… This is the normal process of grief. Overtime it will get better and you will find the life again that you were meant to live.”
Open yourself to Hope for laughter and joy again and it will happen. Your child wants you to rise above his loss and eventually move into the future — and there will be one.
You might, at some time when you are ready, visit a group of The Compassionate Friends in your area. You may have already done so, and it might be helpful to try it again. So what if you cry? Everyone there has been where you are now and will understand.