I cant console the loss of my wife

It is now 8 months since I lost my Darling wife of 36 years and I cry more than I have ever done before(she was 56 years of age when she died after fighting cancer for 2.5 yrs).For me there will never be “closure”
I am so scared for her that perhaps after this life there is no better place
I feel angry that this beautiful person had to die.Even though I have children and
grandchildren who are precious to me and help fill some of the void, I do feel lonely and somehow like a lesser being, my darling made me whole bacause when 2 people love each other they do become one.I can never get rid of this trerrible
loneliness and pain that I feel because it seems like the best part of me has been torn out of my body .
I do feel angry because in the latter years of our life when we could spend more time on the things we loved to do together , this beautiful lady has been cruelly taken away from me.
I do feel angry and sad bacause this person who has always had so much love to give can no longer bring joy and happiness to her children and grandchildren
I do feel angry and sad because in spite of her courage and determination, she still had to succumb to that terrible disease. And dear Lord how sad I feel at the surprise and pain in her beautiful hazel eyes as she gave her last breath, a look which will be seared in my brain forever.
I have gone back to work after 2 or so years of precious time being near my love during her struggle with cancer and I consider it a priviledge that she wanted me near her to share this terrible journey and my only wish during her illness was that I could take take this pain from her and willingly carry it myself .
At work I cope reasonably well because my darling was not part of this environment , but I don’t cope well with social events with family and friends because everything reminds me of the beautiful times we shared together and then for days after these events it hurts like hell and I descend again into that familiar dark place.
I spent all of the first 8 weeks after her death In this dark terrible place, not knowing at all how to deal with this new reality , but now I am out of that phase, I can now cope a little better,but I am far from healed, what makes it worse is that I no longer willingly share my grief with loved ones around me who were affected by her death (and I used to lean on for support) because they are recovering and I don’t want them to hurt all over again, and so this leaves me more isolated.
We shared dreams and plans of the things we could do TOGETHER, -all of this has become meaningless to me and I feel as though I have no useful purpose in life without her. For the sake of my family I will survive of course and try to be there for them, because that’s what my darling would have wanted, but I do so with a terrible aching in my heart.And my Children can see the sadness in my eyes, but there is little I can do.I pray that
I will heal and be stronger as time passes, but dear Lord how I miss Her

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  • gene says:

    Today I continued to sift through all the many cards and letters that my darling and I had saved over so many years, each card or letter I find with her handwriting l hold so close to my heart, because like all the other reminders of her, -her photographs, her clothing, her voice on the videocam are all that remain and have become more precious than any jewel could be, It’s 8 months since her passing and my longing to have her near me is as strong as ever, my love for her is as bright as ever, . I try so hard to feel “normal” again but nothing works. I love and miss her so much, and the pain goes on -when will this terrible agony stop?

  • Bill says:

    I lost my beautiful wife to cancer as well about 7 weeks ago. She fought ovarian cancer bravely for 2.5 years as your wife did. Patt and I were only married for a little over 6 years. It was the second marriage for both of us. I’m 64, she was the same age. We were a perfect match for each other. We both had just retired and were planning on doing so many things together. My family is all about 800mile away, so I am really alone here. I hurt so bad for her, I can’t describe it, I know you know what I mean.We were a team, we did everything together. I saw her die here at the house while under hospice care. I too see no reason to go on. I will but only because she would want me to. I have never felt so bad in my entire life. So…I do know what you are going through. Prayers are sent for some healing. Bill

  • gene says:

    I am so sorry Bill, as I read your post tears start to flow, It’s so sad that this terrible common loss is the bond that brings us here.I am 60 and our great love was caravanning, and this is what we had planned for such a long time, with my darling I always felt good and secure and now just loneliness, I do have family close by and they have helped me so much but during the times I am alone I always feel such terrible sadness, and this site does help to ease the pain a little, so if it also helps you,please post or email me.

  • gene says:

    Tonight was a better night, spent in the company of my dearest family, I have returned now to our big empty house that once echoed with laughter and the sound of her voice that I miss so very much.
    I now already know that this is the calm before the storm,my heart and my soul will soon come to realize the cold hard reality that she is no longer by my side, and will never be again, it’s only a matter of time before the loneliness, the sadness and the emptiness return like a wave over me I brace myself to face that dark place once again, I look to her picture and silently ask her her for strength and guidance, always searching for an answer as to why it had to be this way?
    .

  • Bill says:

    Gene thanks so much for the emails. I’m glad you can at least see your family. My family is 800miles away so I don’t see them often. It’s the weekend again and I’m really having a tough time. It’s funny as I too look at Patt’s picture and ask her to give me strength. I’m glad, in a way, that she doesn’t have to go through what I’m going through. She was strong and probably would have done better than I’m doing, but the pain I feel is ever present, no matter what I’m doing. It’s always in the pit of my stomach. I know she had pain while fighting the cancer. but her pain is now over…it’s my turn. One day at a time is all I can hope for.
    Bill

  • Gale says:

    Dear Gentlemen,
    I read your postings and my heart reaches out. I am a widow of 22 months but my husband of over 40 years died suddenly in a small plane crash in which he was the pilot. There was no warning. I met him at age 17, married him at age 21, and lost him at age 62. The path we are all on is long and dark and unbelievably treacherous…because only others on the path know the way. I reach out to you and extend my hand…you are not alone…my e-mail is galegott@aol.com and I am reaching out. Somewhere ahead there is a light for each of us to find.

  • gene says:

    Thank you so much Gale for your recent post and I am so very sorry for the loss of your husband. You are right it does feel as though we are on such a trecherous path that sometimes it’s so very easy to get so terribly lost in all of the sadness and emptiness we feel, but each of us posting here has progressed to different stage along this path and we can at least offer guidance and support to the other person who may have already past through one of those difficult stages.

    Bill I agree with you that even though our dearest partners suffered so much, -in a way we are living the same hell over and over again which we would never want them to experience.
    It’s strange that because of genetics my life plan was always to die before my darling Anna, -but then I realize that perhaps that would have been the coward’s way out
    Gale and Bill my thoughts are with you, and isn’t that the most amazing thing that regardless where we geographically we can still extend a hand of friendship and support, to make the journey just a little less lonely. -please take care

  • gale says:

    Bill and Gene,

    Coming home after being away was as difficult as you know all too well. The house almost yells at me with silence and mockery of what I had, cherished, and is now gone. I, too, look at Ken’s picture, sleep with it in my arms and wonder how am I possibly going to make it thru the years ahead. But, I know others do and all we can do is understand what the other is feeling and reach out and say we understand and you are not alone. The waves of pain are sometimes unendurable…if I am not feeling dry sobs or ready to faint I think I am doing better….it is the unending emptiness…my children are far away, 3000 miles and on another continent. Friends have been kind but only those who walk this path understand. We each must find a way to find in our minds and hearts a bit of peace and respite either with a memory or with the knowledge that we were loved. My thoughts are with you both, Gale

  • gene says:

    In 1day’s time it will be exactly 9 months since my darling passed away , nothing has really changed, except that it now feels like a century that I haven’t seen her smiling face, heard the sound of her voice, or felt the security of her her warm embrace, always ttelling my heart and my soul,- year after year, -day after day that I was home and I was safe.
    Now, each special day that passes, once reason for celebration and joy is filled with loneliness and grief ,as I continue to search for that purpose in life , to help me face each lonely day as ” I ” instead of “We “

    • Rich Simon says:

      Gene:

      My wife, Janet passed away from PC on 2/3/16 after 43 days. While we have extensive friends and family (on her side) we have no children, We have been together since 1982 and she knows me inside and out. I depended upon her so much. They say things get better but how can it?

      Although in good shape I pray for God to take me. It’s just unbearable.

      I see that your post was 5 years ago. I can’t imagine any hope but was curious to see how you handled it. Feel free to contact me at TheBrandyRoad@gmail.com

      Thank you,

      Rich

  • gene says:

    I can’t console, I can’t console
    My only love is now a soul
    How do I live and start to mend
    When my only love has reached the end?
    I miss her smell her words her touch
    That for so long have meant so much.
    When her final moment came
    She looked at me to mend the pain
    I would have given every bit of me
    to stop the pain and set her free
    She looked at me to understand
    But all I could do is hold her hand

    I can’t console, I can’t console
    I’ve lost my heart my love my soul
    Dear Lord I loved her more than me
    This isn’t the way it was meant to be
    I vowed when we met to hold her dear
    but all in vain, she’s no longer near
    I miss her love her smile her kiss
    Dear Lord how could it end like this?

    I can’t console, I can’t console
    You are my love my heart my soul
    You are everything that I hold dear
    How can I live without you near?
    How can I begin to understand?
    That I can no longer hold your hand
    I cry but you are no longer here
    to talk, to touch, to calm my fears.
    Please fill my dreams so that I can feel
    Your sweet, sweet love when it was real

    I can’t console I can’t console
    Are you safe my love, where is your soul?
    I long to know you are safe and well
    To help me live through my lonely hell
    Are you free from hurt, are you free from pain?
    Please dear Lord let her smile again
    Remove all hurt from her beautiful soul
    So I can console, I can console

  • gene says:

    Today would have been our 37th our Anniversary I set the table for the evening meal and play all the music we both loved so much.
    I put on a slideshow of all the many photos of my soulmate that I had digtized and collated (to keep sane in the weeks following her death.)
    I think if she is looking down she would be happy for me to enjoy this first anniversary meal without her, as though she was there with me.
    The slideshow flicks through, -I see her when she was my beautiful girlfriend, and then my beautiful bride, and then all the other phases in her life where we had lived as one, never ageing in my heart and soul during that time.
    It’s really hard accept that all is behind me because like the slideshow our life has slipped by in a microsecond.

    The beautiful aria “va pensiero” is playing in the background, it talks about our thoughts of love being carried on golden wings across the ocean of time and space to reach our loved one no longer with us, my tears start again, but my heart soars at the possibility that somehow all our soulmates can hear the faint echo of our undying love.

  • Liz Green says:

    Dear Gene, that was a beautiful thing to do. I have a difficult time looking at pictures of Brad. I am thinking of you and hoping this will post since I’ve had such difficulty with this. liz

  • Liz Green says:

    My dear husband Brad passed away in Aug. from nonhodgkin’s lymphoma. Ourlives were so full the last year with dr’.s appt.s, many bouts of chemo, 2 surgeries, and our final hope–a stem cell transplant. He fought so hard and I felt as though we had a mission together and now that is gone and I am struggling without him . He was such a simple and uncomplicated man and didn’t complain. He just wanted to get better and would do whatever it took. I hate feeling so lost and exhausted from thinking constantly and just no energy of desire to do much. thanks for listening. liz

  • gene says:

    Liz, thank you so much for posting your story, I am so sorry that you had to lose your Brad, I truly understand how hard it is to lose your soulmate when every waking hour and every ounce of energy has been spent in trying to find a miracle that would keep them alive, and then when the end comes you have no mission to accomplish and exhaustion sets in.Take care Liz and remember that there are many of us who understand, are prepared to listen and share that pain with you.

  • Bill Gard says:

    Liz and Gale, I apologize for not having posted anything here for a while. I’ve been dealing with some carpel tunnel issues. I appreciate both of your posting and relating your stories. Liz I know exactly what you are feeling. My Patt was a fighter too, she never wanted to give up, but she just wasn’t able to deal with the cancer at the end. I was her caregiver…wish I still was. Patt died on 2/28, I still feel lost, still look for her when I come in the house from outside. She was such a part of me. I’m pulling for you and if you want to write my email is willgard46@gmail.com

    Gale, I just sent you an email, your post as well as Liz’s have been beneficial to me.

    Gene..I sent you an email as well.
    I wish all of us will find some comfort soon…somehow

  • Liz Green says:

    I feel like we are in this boat together and sometimes the seas get really rough and the waves knock us about and on those days I realize I forgot my life preserver.

  • Gale says:

    I am spending this weekend at our home in Napa…my son and his friends have come to share this weekend. Today would have been Ken’s 69th birthday. The house which we built together screams of times past and love shared. It is a joy to see my children and to know that their lives are ahead of them but for me the despair not only for the loss of Ken but for the loss of the relationship and life shared seems almost too much to bear. My heart goes out to each of you who are on this path of grief with me. I am told and am trying hard to believe that in time we will find some solace and some ability to see the beauty and the joy around us. Right now we each feel the pain of the loss and, in part I think, rightly so, as our lives were so rich by the love we shared is it not fitting that the loss would be felt as much as the joy shared. My hand extends to you who are expressing your love and your pain…you are not alone. Gale

  • Steve says:

    I lost my wife from lung cancer on Saturday. I tried my best to help her fight this terrible disease but in the end she choked on her own blood while giving her a bath. I tried to revive her but her heart stopped for over 3 minutes and she died in the hospital. The pain that I feel now is beyond anything I have experienced. I hope no one has to feel that pain. I am experiencing pain, lost feeling, almost a give up attitude on life. She was too young at 62 and going forward with my life will not be easy. God help me with this pain.

  • Bill says:

    Steve…you have nothing but my heartfelt sympathies. I lost my wife, Patt age 64, to ovarian cancer on 2/28/11. She fought hard for 2.5 years. I know the pain you feel. I still feel it. I have good days and bad days, mostly bad ones. God is about all that can help and even then, I’m not sure. I cry a lot…every day. God bless you and give you comfort. Bill

  • Liz Green says:

    Dear Bill and Steve, I have such difficulty posting here–computer rejects it sometimes–I feel for both of you–I am in the same boat, Brad passed away 9 months ago and boy oh boy it is hard. My email is: Maddie2000@mybluelight.com take care liz

  • Gale says:

    Dear Steve, Please know that all of us are experiencing the pain of having lost not only our spouse but in many ways our lives…the road is very difficult…but know that you are not alone and that each of us is willing to respond and “talk” with you in whatever way we can. My heart goes out to you…it is so raw right now…I am moving towards the end of my second year…and the sadness is still so overwhelming…but knowing that others are thinking of you and hoping that on some level you feel that as a comfort. Gale

  • steve says:

    Bill, LIz, and Gale. Thank you for your nice words. I am having a bad day today and it is good to hear from people that experience this pain because you can’t understand unless you feel it. I am trying to go forward but everything that I did was for her. I sometimes blame myself for not working harder to stop her from smoking. I know the pain you all are going through and I would not wish it on my worst enemy. My wife was a very religous women that was better than me and she kept me in balance. During her worst part of sickness I would cry and she would tell me not to cry for me now because I am still here. She had such faith from the time I met her she would always say to me that she would not be on this earth 1 minute longer than she was suppose to, and her body was just a shell . She was Catholic and prayed her rosary every morning and night for over 20 years and did not miss a time. God why does a wonderful person like that have to go so soon, why not take me instead. I know where the statement comes from now that hell can be on this earth. I would joke with her and say please put a good word to God for me if you see him first, and I would be disappointed if you are not waiting on me when my time comes. I stopped work to take care of her during her last 8 months and God blessed me with that time to tell her a thousand times how much I love you, but now I must go forward in life and I don’t have any desire to go back to work but I know that I have to pay the bills. She told me to keep living but it is really hard to enjoy anything anymore. God please give be strength

  • Mike says:

    I recently lost my wife to Breast Cancer Stage IV and she fought this for several years. We were married for 13 years. She went to be with the Lord Sept. 15th, 2011 and our anniversary would have been Sept. 18th. My father died of cancer Sept. 10th, 2004.
    I have been going through therapy and some counseling but I am not sure that it has helped much. I do not know what to do without her.
    I feel like I am already dead in a way but I know I am not. Knowing she was saved through God’s son has given me comfort. I pray often and do not know how to deal with this at 43 years old.
    Loss of a Mom,Child, Father, and now wife. -Michael

  • Gale says:

    Dear Mike,

    I understand the feeling of being one of the “walking dead” that so many of us feel after the loss of someone we shared our lives with and built our lives around. I lost my husband two and a half years ago in a small plane accident and am still walking in a daze trying to act like a normal person. I appreciate the grief you are feeling and my only hope to you is that, in truth, we each do walk this path alone and yet by reaching out to others on the path we are not alone. I am reaching out to you and telling you that in time you will be able to remember the joy without the tears and the pain. You are still a young man and there is a life ahead…no matter what you feel right now…take care of yourself, continue the therapy, know the pain is real and do not feel you need to fight it…but it will, in time, ease and the way forward will be easier. If you have a strong faith in God then turn to him for comfort and prayer. Gale

  • clif says:

    It’s been 1 yr and 1 month and I still cry every day she was the best part of me. I miss her so much..How do I go on. clif

  • gale says:

    Clif, I hear your pain and I understand the despair…we have all lost the “better part” of our lives…but with the loss comes the knowlege that we gained so much from the relationship…treasure the memories even if they bring pain, treasure the life that you had because that life still lives within you…It will be three years for me this August…and it is as if it had happened a minute ago…there was no warning…just a phone call…and with that call my life as I had known it died also…but I treasure his picture and what we shared…please do not despair…please know others are thinking of you.

  • clif says:

    how do I go on .I’m having trouble every day dealing with life. I make mistakes every day. I got arrested the first time I left the house. I miss her so much, the weekends are the worst. I lost her on a friday night. I’m so sad.

  • clif says:

    I walked around the house calling her name I’m losing it I don;t know what I’m doing I hate saturdays

  • Sampath Parthasarathy says:

    It is almost 3 years since my wife of 37 years died of colon cancer. The pain never goes away-a picture, her voice left on an answering machine, handwriting, anything and everything triggers memories.
    How I wish I had treated her like a queen. I wish I could take back even the slightest negative comment or remark I made. She was so brave and waited for her death, completed her bucket list, arranged her own funeral, …
    I miss her. I have a companion now who makes me live my life but even a few minutes of loneliness hurts. It really hurts.

  • Russell says:

    I lost my angel wife to cancer 3 weeks ago. We were married 5 years an together 8. I miss her so much, she was only 34. I just can’t stand spending a lifetime without her with me. We had such a happy married. Life, I knew this day would come but it still doesn’t make it easier to bear. We shared so much together, we hadn’t had children yet due to the cancer an maybe that that’s a good thing as I’m in no fit state to look after anyone else. I just miss her so much, I’m glad she went before me as I’d hate for her to have to go threw this. I’m ok, I just feel alone. All the dreams we had now are pointless. I’ll get through this but I just can’t get over not holding her. She died with a smile on her face, which is how she. Led her. Life.. Smiling. I’m scared of a long life ahead without her. I go to the graveyard everyday an although I’m sad there, I feel close to her. I pray Allah will help me through this an I’m grateful as we had such a. Wonderful marriage. I’m always thankful for that. Today has been toug sorting her stuff out. The flat feels like home but the flat misses her even, stupid it know but everything misses her touch. Food doesn’t taste the same as not interested I cooking for one, cooking for her was a honour..

  • Raymond Yoast says:

    My wife of 4 years Tracie Pearl Blair took her life 9-7-2014.
    Have cried for 5 weeks. I know time will help, but I do not see how this changed
    who I am will ever change. She was deeply depressed and had been seeing a
    therapist ever wed. for past 2 years. She had said she simply wanted her pain to end.

  • DAVID says:

    I KNOW I WILL GET THOUGH IT SOME HOW

  • rich simon says:

    It’s 8 pm and I was just outside in my PJs looking for my wife’s calico cat, “Poodles” I did a walk around the sheep pasture where our 3 sheep, Flopsy, Mopsy and Cottontail silently watch this new nightly ritual of mine. I shine the flashlight through the woods hoping to see the reflection of the cats bright yellow eyes. I spend a half hour looking around the property and barn. I’m concerned that maybe something caught her but then as I get back to the house I see “Poodles” patiently waiting for me by the kitchen door.

    My wife, Janet died of Pancreatic cancer on 02/03/16 and that darn cat, which I did not want 11 years ago is now a very important link to Janet. On December 20th Janet decided to go to the local ER because of what we thought was acid reflux which had been bothering her for the previous week. The next day the hospital informed us that there was a mass on her pancreas. I immediately made arrangements with Sloan in NYC. At first the doctor viewing the CAT scan felt the cancer was limited to the pancreas. After a second CAT scan 2 weeks later they informed us the cancer was in the liver and was extremely aggressive, there was nothing they could do. We went home to the steady stream of visits from family and friends. Five days after the last diagnosis Janet passed with me by her side.

    Janet and I met on my first day of work in September 1978. I have to admit that being a typical 24 year old male what I really first noticed an 18 year old slim blond wearing a black corduroy jump suit with red trim. In the beginning we hung around together in a social after work group. I did not ask her out since I thought the age difference of 6 years was too much. Then one day she was 20 and I 26, seemed she was catching up to my age so we left the “group” and went out on our official first date.

    Janet was very health conscious, maintained a weight of 125lbs, exercised daily, vegetarian for 20 years. We would travel to the health store in Ottsville every Sunday to pick up groceries and have lunch. We were living the life and our dream together on our small farm at the end of the lane. Janet still worked where we first met while I took a new job which allowed the flexibility of working from anywhere. I choose to get a small office within a block of Janet’s workplace. We drove in together, had lunch and discussed our day on the ride home, it never got old. As it will be inscribed on our headstone, she loved me and I loved her.

    While we prayed for her recovery I also added a silent prayer that if it was not to be that she would not suffer. Only that silent prayer was answered. Within moments of being given the initial diagnosis Janet said she accepted any outcome as it was Gods will. Never once in those 43 days did she cry, get angry or ask why me? Her grace was inspiring to everyone around her. We did have time to talk and reflect on our 35 years together. I can honestly say we had no regrets or bad days. During her final days Janet had ask that I honor several of her requests.

    1. “Quit that stupid job”……..I did

    2. “Buy a new SUV”……..I did

    3. “Help Mark with his website”…..I am

    4. ” Don’t kill yourself”…..Although death would be a welcome relief I’m still here.

    5. “Look after our 7 nephews and 1 niece”……I’m trying. About 1 week after Janet was diagnosed with PC our 21 year old nephew was diagnosed with PC. Two days after Janet’s passing the nephew had a Whipple performed at Sloan. He still has 6 months of Chemo ahead and will be having a CAT scan done in two days because of reoccurring symptoms….. Please pray for him.

    8. “Don’t move some hot number in here”….Janet was teasing because she knew I never would or ever will.

    9. “Don’t sell the farm”…..not in my lifetime.

    10. And “Spread my ashes across the property” she loved so much…….I will.

    I was truly blessed to have been loved and to have loved Janet all these years. The life we had together most people could only dream of. It gives me strength to get up in the morning.

    As you know from your own experience the pain is overwhelming and unbearable but Janet expected me to handle it and not give up……I won’t.

    I ask God to help all of us through our pain and suffering…….he will.

  • Gary says:

    It’s been just over 3 months now that my beautiful Tracy has passed from Pancreatic cancer at the age of 47. Like so many of you I am a complete mess, I’ve never felt this alone in my life. She was an incredible woman and the best friend I have ever had, I feel extremely lucky to have met my soulmate in this life which I know is a hard thing to come by. She was diagnosed on 03/28/16 and passed on 05/22/16, I thank God everyday that she never suffered. Not once did she complain except for she’d tell me baby my stomach is bothering me but that was it. She still wanted to go to work everyday and walk at lunch, never did she want to stop. When we were told that she had stage 4 PC the same thing her grandmother died from 3 years earlier we knew the road ahead was not good. I know when you lose the one’s you love it’s so very hard but Iosing my soulmate, wife, best friend and the mother of our 19 yr old son has physically and emotionally beat me down. I want to tell everyone out there that is going through the same grief and pain, God bless you all and thanks for letting me share a bit of my pain.

  • Hugh murray says:

    So sorry I feel the same way we were married for 43 years and she was taken from me 9 months ago take care

  • Miller L. Butler says:

    Please contact me. I lost my wife in 2014 and have the same feelings. She was the glue. I cannot reconcile my feelings. I have family and all that. Have you found comfort ? Please contact me. Millerlbutler@gmail.com. How God could take a woman who had done nothing but goodness. Only He can explain. And I can’t think of any explanation!!

  • jesus says:

    Hello everyone,i just have my wife gone this 5 of october and o boy there’s nothing that can easy this pain, just wonder how can be so much pain and feeling so lonely (sorry my grammar) surrounded by family and friends, i’m ready to go with her, but at the same time i’m afraid to go to a different place