I DREAMED TODAY, of a little one being born, with ten little toes, ten little fingers and a pug little nose,
AND I PRAYED.

I DREAMED TODAY, that my little one opened her eyes and noticed that I was her mom, and she looked at me with such a smile and eyes so bright it took my breath away,
AND I PRAYED.

I DREAMED TODAY that I cooed and tickled my little one and hoped that this feeling of undying love we shared would never end so that I could forever hear my little ones’ laughter,
AND I PRAYED.

I DREAMED TODAY, that my little one and I played peek a boo so many times that I knew that this day would be the best day ever,
AND I PRAYED.

I DREAMED TODAY, that my little one spoke my name for the first time, “Mom,”  oh, I thought that all the air in the world had been taken into my lungs and what a sigh of pure pleasure that escaped me,
AND I PRAYED.

I DREAMED TODAY,  that my little one follows me wherever I go, helping, and chatting away, asking questions upon questions and having all the confidence in the world that her Mom would have the answers,
AND I PRAYED.

I DREAMED TODAY, of  my little one’s first day at school, so shy, so frightened, and yet so excited to see other little ones to play with. I was beaming as I saw how brave my little one was when she let go of my hand, and I thought to myself my little one’s first real steps to independence,
AND I PRAYED.

I DREAMED TODAY, of my little one’s many accomplishments in life, and her many dreams of what she would love to be when she grew up,
AND I PRAYED.

I DREAMED TODAY, of my little one’s first love, first kiss on the cheek, and her first broken heart, and I was saddened because my little one is growing up so fast before my very eyes,
AND I PRAYED.

I DREAMED TODAY, of my little one’s first trials and errors and how frightened I was when she had chosen the wrong path,
AND I PRAYED.

I DREAMED TODAY, of my little one as she thought she knew more than I, and believed that her friends would guide her on the right path. I worried,  I screamed, and I shared what had happened to me and many of my friends at this very difficult time of growing up,
AND I PRAYED.

I DREAMED TODAY, of my little one as she is pulling away from me searching for her own way in life. I say to her “take it easy, enjoy life, be careful, and always remember that I, the family and GOD are always here for you,”
AND I PRAYED.

I DREAMED TODAY, of my little one as two of her dreams come true, she marries the man of her dreams and gives birth to a little one of her own,
AND I PRAYED.

I DREAMED TODAY, as my little one’s world comes crashing down all around her. Her perfect dream was falling apart and she chooses to escape it in ways not meant to help her cope but meant to push her further away from herself, her family, her own little one, God and there was nothing I could do to stop it,
AND I PRAYED.

I DREAMED TODAY, of my little one who decided that she was not good enough for her family, for her little one, or the world. I watch my little one slowly die of  broken dreams and a broken heart, and I cried, and cried for my little one,  for my love is not enough to help her come back to me or us,
AND I PRAYED.

I DREAMED TODAY that I reminded my little one how special she is,  how much she has to offer not only to herself, and to her own little one, but to the world.  I watched as her smile disappeared and her once bright eyes grew duller with each passing day, and neither my words, nor my love nor my arms could ease her pain,
AND I PRAYED.

I DREAMED TODAY, that my little one fell asleep, had the sweetest dream and decided that she finally knew where she belongs.  My little one decided that in the ARMS OF GOD is  where she belongs HOME where there is nothing but laughter and love, a HOME we all call HEAVEN,
AND I PRAYED.

I DREAMED TODAY that I will try to remember that my little one is not suffering anymore, that HEAVEN/HOME is where she chose to go for peace,
AND I PRAYED.

I DREAMED TODAY that I must learn to understand, why my little one is no longer with us, and today I did not feel like praying, but I was sure that my little one was praying for us all,
AND SO I PRAYED.

Written By
Audrey Szabo
for my Little One and ME
Oct. 23, 2007

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Monica Novak

Monica Novak became a bereaved mother in 1995 with the stillbirth of her daughter Miranda, learning firsthand the devastation of saying goodbye to a much-loved, much-wanted baby before having the chance to say hello. Three weeks later, she began a journey towards healing when she attended her first Share support group meeting. Along the way, she and six other bereaved mothers formed a close bond that carried them through the grief of miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant death, as well as the challenges of subsequent pregnancy and infertility. Having been at the opposite ends of grief and joy; despair and hope; indifference and compassion; fear and peace-sometimes simultaneously-she has captured these emotions and the story of her journey in a highly-praised new memoir titled The Good Grief Club. Monica writes and speaks on the subject of pregnancy loss and infant death and is involved with local and national organizations that provide support to families and caregivers. She is a member of the Pregnancy Loss and Infant Death Alliance (PLIDA). Her mission is to bring comfort and hope to bereaved parents worldwide and to educate and promote awareness to the physicians, nurses, clergy, counselors, family, and friends of every mother or father who has or ever will be told that their baby has no heartbeat or that nothing more can be done. The mother of three daughters, Monica lives in the Chicago area with her husband, children, and a rat terrier named Sami. For more information, please visit www.thegoodgriefclub.com or e-mail Monica at monica@thegoodgriefclub.com Monica appeared on the radio show “Healing the Grieving Heart” discussing ”Miscarriage and Infant Loss.” To hear Monica being interviewed on this show by Dr. Gloria & Dr. Heidi Horsley, go to the following link: https://www.voiceamerica.com/episode/34073/miscarriage-and-infant-loss

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