I also have just lost my 29 year old daughter 9 weeks ago. She was the love of my life and I cannot move forward. We did everything together and she had this great big smile all the time. She dies the day before her 30th birthday. I am devastated and even my faith has been shaken.I have a son who is just wonderful but Aliza was my first child and we did everything together, but it has brought my son and I togewther even closer, he saw her die in an accident I am sending him to counseling and I just do not know how to move on. Thank you. MaryAnne
Tags: grief, hope
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It was very sunny & warm on March 31 1998, when my daughter LISA(Elizabeth) chose to drive a fellow classmates car. She hit a hairpin turn too fast-she was just 18. She was my 1st born. That was over 9 yrs ago & the aching pain of her loss is still so strong-it will never ease up or stop. Her death was killing me, but it had been 3 yrs! I had her little sister & 2 baby brothers to tend to. And then I realized-that she really would not have wanted me to die too! It was then that I knew that I had to go through the pain-struggle to be able to go on. I did & still do all that I can to keep her memory alive. I talk about her often. No one will stop me.
Dear MaryAnne-I meant to say that there’s no right way to “move on”. You just do what you can to get through the days, and function as best as you can. It’s hard but we Moms do it because we have to. While things will never be the way that they were – you will someday gradually be able to make it through the days a little easier. And for you it’s so early in this process, it took me 3 yrs to get my Lisa’s stone, because I wanted an ocean scenery on it & it was thee very last thing that I could/would do for her. In time-even though you don’t want to be or even hear it, you’ll be ok. Take care-sincerely Beth
MaryAnne… one moment at a time… how or why to endure such pain is unknown and I am so sad for the rawness you feel. Keep reaching out, you will find your way, and how amazing that you have the energy to get your son some help… peace
I just came to this site because I am grasping at straws. I lost my beloved first born son on June 10th. It was a para-suicide attempt that was nightmarishly successful. There is so much to say. My pain is so raw, and all-encompassing. It seems that people think I should get over it and “get better”. I am in such a private dark place that I don’t even get that upset by well meaning though stupid remarks. My love will never die, and I think some people are saying something like that when they say I’ll get over it. I have two other sons. All my boys are complete and seperate irreplacable miracle. I cry for him, the loss of the experience of joy, love, holding his first baby. I feel so horribly guilty for so many reasons. I don’t know how I am functioning at my job. When I am off, I just seem to fall apart, stayed in bed yesterday all day and night. My love and concern go out to you. This was never in any script that I could forsee of my life. I read one thing ” You are now in a exclusive club that nobody wants to be in- those who have lost a child” I get frantic because I feel that he is caught in a place of fear and horror. I was informed that his last words were “Oh my God, I’m dying, I don’t want to die, I don’t want to die!” and then he went into convulsions from an overdose of aspirin.I weep when I think that he wasn’t sure that I loved him. I am furious with my family for not reporting obviously suicidal signs in his behavior. I had no idea. I could ramble on, but thank you for describing your emotions, since I feel that I am completely unravelling. Marci
dear MaryAnne, We lost our 31 yr. old son in a tragic car accident Oct. 05. I still am so disoriented, but trying to take it one day at a time. If there is one thing I would say, is do it your way and be patient with yourself, it is so hard.
Please reply if you would like Janet
You are not alone. You cry all you want. God does listen. The Bible says that God has a hold of all the tears we shed. What helped me when we lost our three year old was getting on my knees and sobbing and yelling at God. I was mad and terribly angry at God for letting this happen to our son. But, there will come a time in your grief that you will come to understand that God permits these accidents for a reason. Our children will live on as long as we want them to.
On August 14, 2007 I lost my younger brother on a car accident. I cried up o the day of his funeral 3 days later but has since not been able to cry when it comes to him. I see how much pain the lost of my brother has caused my mother and father. I hear them talked and lend a ear when they want to talk but I feel detached.I feel guilty that I am not suffering or that perhaps I have moved on to fast. The only thing I know is that whatever I am feeling or bottling up is nothing compared to what my mother is feeling.
So I was wondering, as mother who have lost a child, does pain lessen over time? How can I help my mother before the grief overcomes her?
I don’t think the pain lessens over time. I think we learn to live with that pain. I lost my only child July 22, 2006 and each day is still very difficult. I have gone on because of the love, caring, and support from my friends. Alicia would want me to go on and live the rest of my life in honor of her memory. I live on because she didn’t. There are good days and bad days. But hardly a day goes by that I don’t cry. The heartache is always there. Just be gentle with your mother…listen to her…let her cry…let her scream…just let her know you are there for her. Sometimes, that is all we can do. Praying that your mom finds some peace and serenity. Hugs to you. Love, lana
Marci, please write to me. I lost my 21 y old son little over 2 y ago and still am living in a nightmare. I believe I’d die if I didn’t have a younger son, but I feel very siilarly as you do.
My son shot himself after going to a Valentine’s date with a girlfriend who barely cared about him. I missed his panic because she called and called and they argued over the phone.
I believe strongly she gave him a drug because he was not into hard drugs (was afraid of them), but believe he would have taken something for her on a special “date”.
I am disabled, but practiced psychiatry! I cannot talk more, I haven’t lived a single day without cries, esp. since he was my only son from the first marriage and left out from his fathers life since he was 3.
I blame everyone including myself. I came to this country and worked
to be independent, only to become ill. Myh husband cared more for his own son than for the one I already had although he continues to deny it. I believe I would truthfully find a way to self-destruct if it were not for my younger son toward whom I feel as much love as toward my first son. In dependent situation, I have to continue to live with my husband whom I cannot love or respect, but the same goes for myself. Time has not chaged a thing, perhaps allowed me to leave the thickness of my own denial and also bring thoughts about my son closer or more often, a situation that makes the entire status quo unbearable. I know my younger son is depressed and would never leave him behind or hurt him, but I cannot understand why the college that literally destroyed my son emotionally did not have a thought about his depression until I took him home and he lived one more year. Not a single person apart my younger son (then 13) was by my side, cried with me, and I will always feel the loneliest person around. People are extremely cruel. I am not much religious, he was not raised in too much religion either, but the problem is multifaceted. Yet, as him mom whom he loved and I do not feel guilty for not saying I did not love him enough (he knew how much I loved him), still I failed him by not being attentive – I was even happy he had found a girlfriend whom he invited for a dinner.
It was a sudden horrible “accident” that I will never know whether I had even a chance to prevent, b ut if only the girl called and told me about some drug she must have given to him for mutual pleasure (my thought, she already became married on Valentine’s Day)
I never learned what they talked about but wished she was mature enough and said he perhaps said something unusual….
she lives happily, finished college, I am left broken forever. I coldn’t eat for several months anything but pieces of bread, could not touch meat and probably never will. My son had a big heart, was too trustworthy and I couldn’t teach him about the culture I didn’t grow up in.
Later I learned the college he went to dealth with almost 7 or 8 suicides in one year not knowing about my son.
Ann