I Lost My Son

I just lost my son November 2, 2006….he like all my children meant the world to me, but he had a different place in my heart. He was my joy and what kept me going and being strong. My son was born early and he had CP severe….a lot of medical problems and such but he always pulled out, he caused a lot of stress in my relationships I guess that is why I gave them the boot all the time. He was a strong little boy and everyone who met him could not forget him, I felt like I was at the wrong funeral when I was there….I new hardly anyone there he touched so many hearts it broke mine more. I am just having a hard time with it, because he asked me to stop taking him to the hospital because his heavenly father wanted him back and it was his time. OK I am not religious I believe in god but that is about it. He was LDS…I did what he wanted and put him on respit and he was happy he told me he was going to die the day he did…the DR said no he wasn’t and just be with him and comfort him, but he was happy/sad. I am lost I guess cause I am not religious and I am lost. I just need someone to talk to I need to be strong and figure out what I am feeling!!

Jennifer

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  • Debra Reagan says:

    Jennifer,
    My deepest condolences for the loss of your son. He sounds like a very special person. He touched more lives in his brief time than many others do that are here longer.

    November 2006 is still so recent. This is probably advice you have heard over and over already, but I found it to be true. Taking one day at a time is about all one can do in the early months. You so are right it takes time to understand all the many thoughts and feelings we go through. I guess each of us have to arrive at our own understanding.

    I found Compassionate Friends and Healing the Grieving Heart to be very helpful. Many other friends and family members mean well and did the best they could, but they just don’t know the depth.

    Hugs,
    Debra Reagan

  • Kelly says:

    I’m so sorry you lost your son, I can’t imagine how hard it must be. I lost my Mom in January and like you, I don’t consider myself to be religious, so yes – I understand how hard it can be (it must be hard even to those who are religious). One thing I read somewhere that helps me was a quote from a dying woman to her husband of many years. She told him just before she died that it would be ok, that she has seen where she is going, and he is there, too. This is what I hold onto on the bad days (and there are a lot of them). I’m not even 40 years old yet, I’m not supposed to be without a mother yet.
    I hope you can find some comfort in that you will be with him again one day.

  • tisha says:

    Jennifer,
    Hi I also lost my son. Before I lost him I was one of the most loving people that my family ever knew, but now that he is gone I am just so angry all the time I dont care what happens to others and to tell you the turth that is just not me. I am only 28 and I dont know how to get up and pick up the peaces. I hope that you are able to get relate. I was very in to god and all the church stuff until this happen with Korey now I am not sure what to believe.

  • Debra Reagan says:

    Tisha,
    My heart aches for you. I certainly understand what you are saying. One of the things that concerned me was that I wasn’t myself. Besides longing for my son, I longed to feel like me again.

    I am not a counselor, so I can only share my point of view as another grieving mother. I am not sure how long it has been since the death of your son. I will assume it has not been very long.

    Your job right now is to grieve. I found it helped me when I learned to do so freely and to accept the feelings for that moment. It seems to take more energy to fight them.

    I heard someone say, “God is big enough to handle our feelings about Him”. I think He understands our hearts.

    Even though I doubted it would ever happen, the deep pain and anguish has gotten better. I will forever miss my son, but I am learning to live the life I have instead of the live I had planned.

    Gentle Hugs,
    Debra
    http://www.clint-reagan.memory-of.com