I am so sorry for your loss. There is one feeling that I don’t see discussed much and that is the loneliness that comes with grief. There is a feeling in the heart that makes us feel like we are walking in this world totally alone. It doesn’t matter who we are with. Whether it is a concert, an intimate party with friends, sports events or even the simplest of things like grocery shopping, running errands on a Saturday. Loneliness, being alone and lonesome can even be exhausting.
Waking up every day after the death of a loved one is surreal. Myself, I slept. Sleep was my escape from endless longing for my mother that seemed to never leave my heart. I want to share a story with you that I thought of when writing this article. Here’s the thing, the feeling came out of the blue when I thought I was doing well in my grief, a year had passed.
The event was at a wedding. A very dear friend of mine was getting married, I had every intention of it being a good experience. I went out and bought a dress, a beautiful blue velvet slip dress. I would be seeing friends I had not seen in sometime, I was happy and excited to go. After all it was my very dear friend I had known 20 years! The wedding ceremony was so beautiful, then just after the reception began my head started spinning. People became too loud, the lump in my throat seemed enormous, the pain in my heart was almost too much to bear. I suddenly felt alone and out of sorts. Everything became a reminder of my own parents, weddings in our family. Things I would never ever experience with them again. My heart flooded with memories of mom dancing at family weddings, laughing and love shared. I left.
I drove straight to the beach where I lived. I never feel alone at the ocean especially when I am there by myself. I think nature is a great healer, it needs nothing from us. The ocean just listens and it was my refuge for many years after her death.
The tendency when these feelings come up is to keep busy. Working, working out, keeping your brain busy thinking of everything but the loneliness. Pushing it away? I’m going to say maybe but don’t stay there. Go to the beach, the mountains, a field, take a walk and be with it. God can help you if you do this. When I say “be” with it you give it the opportunity to be felt and help heal it, in whatever way it needs to be healed. We are so unique in this process.
When I got to the beach it was late in the evening, there were 2 gentlemen walking up the beach path, I was not scared. They had been lobster fishing. They were young service men wondering what a pretty woman in a blue velvet dress was doing standing there alone. The first thing they said was, “Are you okay?” It was so sweet. I told them I was ok, that my mother passed away not long ago and I kind of had a rough evening. They said they were sorry and to come look at the lobster they caught! It was just one of those moments.
Here I was with two strange young men (earth angels sent) and the ocean on a beautiful evening. I knew in my heart it was God, protecting me, checking on me.
Things like this happen when you embrace it. All of it.
I wish you peace on your journey.