The road back from any loss is crooked and wide, and sometimes even circular. My experiences as a primary caregiver in my home (with hospice support) with my husband, my father, and my female best friend all affected me in different ways. I’ve read that the depth of grief is equal to the degree and [...]
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Persistent Dreams in Grief
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March 10, 2010
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Question from a reader: It’s now been six months since my mother died. In many ways it seems like worlds and eons since then, but in some ways not at all. I really miss her and talking to her every few days, as was our old routine. The problem I’m having is that I dream [...]
Poem: Beginning and End
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March 7, 2010
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You were there I took my first breath. Knowing there would be many left. You were there I looked into my mother’s eyes. It was your plan never to be denied. You were there I took my first steps. You love me even through my missteps. You were there I cried my first tears. You [...]
Skating for Her Mother
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February 25, 2010
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When most of us suffer a loss as great as that of a mother, we are left to grieve without the eyes of the world on us. We do not have to temper our emotions because we are in the privacy of our own homes, surrounded by the comfort and warmth of our family and [...]
Hope in Healing After a Mother’s Suicide
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February 24, 2010
3 Responses
It was only in the sanctuary of Dr. Walter’s office that I began to feel safe enough to talk about my mother’s suicide. His voice was calming. It was a relief to talk openly with someone who would listen to my dread. As a troubled teenager, I was stealing things and acting out, and finally [...]
Poem: A Prayer of Hope
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February 21, 2010
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Today, I will take baby steps And, hold my head high With a prayer of hope for a smile. Today, I will give myself a hug And, accept that I am a human With a prayer of hope for forgiveness. Today, I will let go of yesterday And, accept that I did my best With [...]
Support Groups Can Help Those Bereaved by Suicide
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February 21, 2010
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But I didn’t say goodbye! That’s all I could think about when I learned that my dad killed himself. Friends said that he “was no longer in pain,” and that he loved me. But I didn’t say goodbye and those words weighed heavy on my grieving heart. Approximately 4.5 million Americans became bereaved by suicide [...]
Poem: It Hurts
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February 20, 2010
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Has it hurt me physically? Yes, it has. If I could do it all over again, would I? Yes, I would. Would I have let someone else do it? No, I couldn’t. Did I comfort you in your time of need? Yes, I did. Could I have done it better? Yes, I could have. Has [...]
My Parents’ House
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February 19, 2010
2 Responses
Today, I drove past my parents’ old house. I was in my hometown visiting my best friend from high school and she needed to make a quick stop at her sister’s house. Her sister happens to live right around the corner from my family’s old home. As we drove toward her sister’s, my friend ever [...]
Have I Failed?
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February 18, 2010
2 Responses
My mother and father passed away in 2008. They had Alzheimer’s and they died 36 days apart of each other. At the time of their diagnosis, their neurologist told me that my father had years left in his life and that my mother would only make it another year and a half. My father died [...]
The Difference Between Empathy and Sympathy
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February 17, 2010
1 Response
The words sympathy and empathy are often used interchangeably, and yet they are distinct expressions. In times of death, it’s customary to extend sympathy by sharing our sorrow for what’s happened. Sympathy cards are usually synonymous with condolence messages. When extending sympathy, we’re expressing concern for another’s feelings. Cards, notes, phone calls, e-mails, meals, and [...]
Remembering Super Bowl Sundays With Dad
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February 16, 2010
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I am a huge sports nut. I love just about every sport, and growing up I tried everything except hockey. So I was ready to watch the recent Super Bowl between the Indianapolis Colts and the New Orleans Saints. I remember that the Super Bowl was one game that my dad would sit and watch. He wouldn’t [...]
Poem: All Over Again
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January 29, 2010
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Traveling backward in my mind High on top of a mountain Kissing with tears in our eyes Life together had just begun. Traveling backward in my mind The many roads we’ve traveled Two hearts beating as one Never, ever to be undone. Traveling forward in my mind Always brings me full circle Knowing one day [...]
Poem: Forgive Me
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January 26, 2010
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You were tired Daddy, Weren’t you? Forgive me for insisting, You keep moving. You were tired Daddy When I asked you Are you dying? You answered with a smile. You were tired Daddy When my sister asked you Daddy, are you dying? Softening the blow, with a no. You were tired Daddy When I held [...]
Poem: Days Before
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January 24, 2010
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I have never been one To accept what I see As reality for all to be. I have always questioned Everything I have seen As what if, and what could be. Mother, days before Entering the light You smiled with serenity. Father, days before Entering the light You fought with insanity. What if, I wasn’t [...]
Dad’s Legacy: A Lesson About Giving
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January 22, 2010
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One of the great things that my dad taught me is that it is always better to give than receive, that to give unconditionally brings true happiness in life.That lesson has stuck with me. I volunteer for a charity here in Metro Detroit called Yatooma’s Foundation for the Kids (http://www.forthekidsfoundation.org). It assists families who have lost [...]
Poem: A True Man for All to Behold
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January 21, 2010
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A gentle giant you were. Heaven’s blue eyes, and A handsome smile. Stories of past Written on your face. Poems of present in your heart. A courageous soldier You fought for our freedom. A loving husband and father. Hands of strength And, shoulders of steel. A protector of your kingdom. You walked your talk Always [...]
Grieving a Father and a Mother’s Soul Mate
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January 21, 2010
7 Responses
As my mom, Patricia LaBean, and I placed our order for funeral flowers, on that day in May of 2008, she told the florist, “Fifty years ago July, I was here with my boyfriend ordering our wedding flowers!” It seemed like she lived a lifetime with her childhood sweetheart but it didn’t matter, it was all taken [...]
Poem: I Promise You This
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January 8, 2010
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It doesn’t matter What age you are. When a loved one dies It’s very, very hard. I was sweet sixteen When my brother died. I shut down Never once, did I cry. Over the years I’ve learned to accept. As a man, a soldier He fought to protect. He accepted his orders And, took command. [...]
Poem: A Living Death
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January 5, 2010
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Alzheimer’s – A living death Mental deterioration A slow suffocation. A Caregiver’s love Hugging, kissing, holding Hope – from above. Out of control Loved one lost in space In a black hole. Alzheimer’s – A living death A reality, so cruel Until the very last breath. Deborah Ann Tornillo Copyright© 2010 http://www.deborahtornillo.com
Poem: A New Year
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January 4, 2010
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A New Year is here What will it bring? Happiness or sorrow You’ll know tomorrow. Last year is behind us This year lies ahead. Is life pre-determined? Do we have free will? New Year’s resolutions Will we abide? Or, will we simply toss Our resolutions aside? Life is pre-determined And, we have free will. Happiness [...]
Five Tips For Grievers During the Holidays
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December 26, 2009
2 Responses
The first Christmas without my mother was agony. Actually, the month before was probably worse than the day itself. Because my mother had been sick between December 6 and January 11, I relived the whole month, which included Christmas and New Year’s Day. I tried to do things that I had done with my mother [...]
There’s No Grief in Santa
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December 17, 2009
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Last year was the first year my mother didn’t recognize me at all . . . not even a glimmer. I’d been expecting Alzheimer’s to take away her ability to recognize my face, but wasn’t really prepared. That was the first Christmas it seemed to make no difference whether or not I called my mom [...]
Poem: Message
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December 15, 2009
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In my dream An elderly gent Flowing, white hair Comforted me In my despair. Mesmerized By his love, His blue eyes As heavenly As the sky above. Words not spoken Filled my mind. I understood then His message, His message of time. A message of hope And, of courage. A message of love And, of [...]
Poem: Comfort
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December 12, 2009
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The pain of tonight He’s finally resting. He’s not hurting That is all that matters In this life of mine. The struggles of the past Been there, died there. Nothing compares To the love of today Wanting, wanting to protect. How do I comfort? Same question I’ve asked Not too long ago, How do I [...]
