My Son Died on August 15, 2007

My son Daniel died on August 15, 2007. Daniel was packed, engaged to Andrea, and elated to be leaving the next day for Arizona. Andrea was to attend U of Arizona graduate school for French Horn for 2yrs. and Daniel had a job as a CNA (certified nurses assistant) He was enrolled for his first class towards his RN in geriatric nursing.After a successful fight with neruofibromatosis (tumors at nerve endings)he had a clear MRI and was going to pick up his two younger siblings 15 and 16 to spend the last day home taking them out for the day with Andrea. He was returning at 8am to pick them up when witnesses to the accident saw him lean to the right in his car, move into oncoming traffic, travel for a distance in that lane and then the car bolted at 60mph into a tree. There were slight symptoms of dizziness and leg tremors and stiffening in the 2 weeks prior to this. the dr.on emergence said he thought Daniel had a seizure of some sort. I will have the results from the NF clinic at Mass General the end of Sept. Daniel was 27 and moved through his illness stoically with a vision for himself that his was slowly manefesting. His joy and progress that morning was halted. I have returned to teaching, pouring my energy out to the ajudicated young men I teach, I am wounded and feel that the composure I had through the formalities of the post-death nightmare has begun to evaporate, leaving me angry with my husband and caught in a place I cannot escape, many others depend on my strength. I found your website by chance.

?Naomi
?Dear Naomi,
We are so very sorry for your loss of your son, Daniel.? It is so difficult to adjust to the death of your child, especially when it so sudden although nothing can prepare us for such pain whether it is sudden or at the end of a long illness. We want you to know we totally understand what you are experiencing and that you do not walk alone. We have posted your letter on The Grief Blog because we believe it can be a help to other mothers who have lost an older child. We urge you to be gentle with yourself and give yourself the time you need to grieve. There are no right or wrong ways to get through this and there is no time frame. We each grieve in our own way and in our own time. It has been less than a month and that is a very short time for the pain of loss to subside. Anger is to be expected and it is important that you find ways to let it go. Going back to teaching is probably a good outlet for some of it. Know that your husband will most likely grieve in a different way just as you will grieve in your own way.
Help and support can be found for both of you through a Compassionate Friends Group in Your Area and we highly recommend that you find one and attend to see for yourself how helpful it can be.? Each member has experienced the death of a child and each has survived and grieved in his or her own way. With this group you do not have to walk this path alone. For more information go to http://www.compassionatefriends.org/? You can find a local group as well as many valuable resources to help you along the way. There are also therapists who specialize in grief counseling who may be able to give you the support you need while going through this difficult time.
You also might find it helpful to listen on Thursday mornings to the radio show Healing the Grieving Heart? You can find information about it and a link to it on the first page of http://www.thegriefblog.com? You might also find a number of past shows that can give you help and comfort at http://thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/
Blessings,
Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley

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  • Greggy's Mommy says:

    Naomi,
    Our 28 month old son died on 1-31-06. When he first died a support group member told us that one day we would all of a sudden look up and realize the “fog” was gone, the hurt wouldn’t be but the “fog” would be. It took 1 1/2 years but one day I looked across our flower garden and realized it had. The pain still strong, but I could go on with my life as he would want for me.
    This day will come for you, in the meanwhile, please take good care of yourself. Don’t let others tell you what stage of greif you should be in and what you should be doing, only you know what’s best for you. But please don’t make the mistake my freind has made, and I’m fighting not to make, get out and around so you don’t reach the place where you can’t leave your safe haven anymore.
    May God Bless you for He does “..comfort those who mourn” Matthew 5:6
    Greggy’s Mommy

  • Darlene says:

    Please give Naomi my e-mail address. My 28 year old son died suddenly on Aug. 16, 2007. I am also a teacher who just went back to work.

  • Bea says:

    Our 32 year old son died on Aug. 17,2007. I commend Naomi for returning to work. Our mornings are unbearable – our family does not know how to go on from here. We look at his pics and smile and then start crying. What could we have done differently we ask ourselves every minute. I am going to grief counseling but my husband cannot. Our son had won his battle with his demons we incorrectly believed. He too, had started on a new journey, as a partner in a thriving business, looking for a new house and then this needless end to it all. Such futility

  • I am so sorry for your loss. My daughter, my only child, was 26 when she died. I, too, am a teacher.I went back to work after she died. For me, it was a good thing. It has now been over a year..am still back at work. Some days are very hard and some days are easier. It was good though to be back with children. Please visit my daughter’s website at http://alicia-golembeski.memory-of.com
    Keeping all of you in my thoughts and prayers. Peace be with you. Hugs! Lana

  • Bea says:

    We are all in a such a sad struggle. May the wonderful happy memories which we all have help us to get through all the days of our lives. Thank you for being out there, and for sharing; in this way perhaps, we can attempt to diminish this grief.
    Peace and love
    Bea