by Sandy Fox

What would my life have been like if my daughter were alive today? I often think of that question and ponder on the answers.

I envision all sorts of scenarios. Marcy and her husband would be giving lots of parties. They were both involved in the Hollywood scene and were meeting lots of new people in 1994 when she died. Marcy knew how much I liked Barry Manilow, so back in 1992 when she found out that as part of her job, she was in charge of a reception he was singing at, she invited me to come, pretend I was one of the hostesses and enjoy the performance up close and personal. The one condition was that I had to wear a black long skirt and a white fancy blouse as all the hostesses would be. That is no problem, I told her. I was thrilled and did attend, greeted many stars and superstars and listened to Barry Manilow sing many songs before he hurried out the back door. I had a great time and think of how many occasions like that there would have been in their future.

After Marcy’s marriage I would go to Los Angeles for visits and there was talk of buying a new home. I was so excited to tour some of the homes with her to see what was available. For what they could afford at the time, there was not much that was either bigger than 2 bedrooms or that didn’t need a lot of work. I thought that after retiring from teaching a few years later, there would be plenty of time to go back and forth. I would have loved helping her decorate a new home, visited with them and talked of the future. When I decorate or redecorate my home now, I think of how Marcy and I had the same taste and how much she would have liked to help me also.

I envision a scenario with grandchildren. Marcy loved children and always told me she wanted many. Although I remember telling her I would not be able to run to Los Angeles every time she needed a babysitter, I knew that if something important came up, I wouldn’t be able to say no. I can imagine a couple of girls and one boy. After her death her best friend had two boys and a girl (the girl was named Marcy) and I am now the godparent for them. I am thrilled to have that role, but, of course, still yearn for what will never be.

I am a traveler and Marcy also had the travel bug. I could see all of us traveling together, particularly on cruises, throughout the world. Now I travel with my husband and think of how much Marcy would love some of these places I visit. When I travel I wear a necklace with her picture on it so that she is always with me. One incident always stands out in my mind back in the eighties in Europe. I am still amazed at the outcome of our separate trips we planned and how we were going to meet on a specific day and time in Interlaken, Switzerland. Let’s make a pact, I told Marcy. Wherever you will be coming from with your friend, get into Interlaken on the 6 p.m. train, and I will meet you at the station. We didn’t talk for three weeks before that day because her itinerary was very up in the air. My husband was skeptic at the loose arrangements we made, but when she stepped off that train at 6 p.m. and waved to me, I marveled at how we had accomplished meeting halfway around the world with very little communication in-between. This summer I will be in Interlaken and when we arrive by train, it will be uppermost on my mind and in my heart.

Marcy had many goals for herself that she was not able to accomplish because of her untimely death. I can not even begin to imagine all that she would have done and how proud I would have continued to be of her. Not a moment goes by that I don’t think of her and how a split second can change one’s life forever.

Tags: grief, hope