Dear Ms. Ruff, I am looking for help for my husband. Nearly 3 years ago, our first child died at 39.5 weeks of my pregnancy. The cause of her death is unknown. She looked so perfect…so beautiful.
Of course, I do not have to explain to you the torment and torture that the death of a child brings to the very existence of the parent’s lives. A very important thing to mention is that 13 months after our first baby daughter died, we were blessed with a second baby daugther healthy and alive…she’s now almost 2 years old. I know how I deal with it…as best I can, but this email is not about me.
About 2.5 months ago my husband started having chest pains/discomfort and weird abdominal discomfort. I have said from the beginning of this…could this be delayed grief? Post traumatic Stress Disorder? Well, after ct scans, ultrasounds, stress test, this doctor that doctor, finally a heart cath was done. (We also saw a gastro doc…he did endoscope…found nothing. The heart surgeon found one area of blockage and put in a stent….the good news is we warded off a potential heart attack down the road. Even the surgeon said he was not confident that this amount of blockage (50-70 % in one place) was causing his discomfort. The bad news is he is still have the same discomfort. Could this be PTSD or grief?
I know men greive differently. I ask my husband…he doesn’t really accept the question. He grieved….he loves our baby daughter that lives in heaven…he misses her immensly. I have se en him cry a hand full of times. He says he mostly outwardly expresses his sorrow when he is alone. He says…why now…almost 3 years later. I know the first year he was being strong for me because I was so low. Then we both had to be strong for our second child….as strong as we could be. All of the chest pain started when we decided to sell our house, get a rental and build a new house. All of this…so I can take a pay cut and take a career dealing with children ( a direct result of my grief…finding my life’s meaning and purpuse for my baby that died).
I know that alone is enough to depress anyone…but my husband says he’s not worried one bit about these things. I wonder could all this be because we moved from the only place our daughter lived….in my body of course, but in that house? I have tried not to be too lengthy, but to give enough information for your thoughts. I’m just searching for anyone to help. Not, only my husband, but I still cry or tear up most days. I love my baby girl and long to hold her and wonder what happened and why it had to happen, every day….and all the terror, guilt, and fear that comes along with the death of a child.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for any words of love. I found your email in We Need Not Walk Alone that I received from an inquiry to Compassionate Friends. Thanks again, and may God bless you, — a grieving mother