By Doris Jeanette, Psy.D. —

Family members frequently feel guilt when someone dies. Mothers feel especially responsible for their children. No matter what the rational reason for the death, they feel as if it is their fault.  And children can sometimes carry guilt into their adult years, thinking they had something to do with the death of a loved one.

Guilt is one of the worst experiences known to humans. It ties you up in knots and makes you feel unworthy and miserable. Guilt is the result of thinking that you have done something wrong. The reason you think that you have done something wrong is because you judge yourself or someone else judges you as “wrong” or “bad.”

When you “feel guilty” you are pulled in different directions at the same time with no resolution possible. Guilt creates a lose-lose human experience. There is no way out of guilt’s sticky, stale energy.  You feel as if you have committed a “sin” and you need to be punished. Guilt is awful.  It is a losing battle, an inner conflict where no matter what you do, you feel bad.

When you look at the emotional energy dynamics of guilt, you can clearly see that it is a lose-lose situation. So, as soon as you realize you are in guilt, you want to move out of it. It is not helping you and it does not help anyone else.

You may be surprised to learn that guilt is not a real feeling. Psychologically speaking, “feeling guilty” is a conditioned response, not an authentic feeling. This means you learned to experience guilt; you were not born with it!  You were taught to feel bad and thus guilty when someone judged you.  This is how you learned to judge yourself.

Never make your life’s decisions based on guilt. If you have done something you really regret, apologize for it and stop doing it.  Take responsibility for your behavior in all situations and notice how different this healthy behavior is from guilt.

For example, if some reason you had some real responsibility for a person’s death ,you can take responsibility for the facts instead of punishing yourself forever in the pit of despair. Outside professionals can give you realistic feedback so you come to terms with reality. The act of taking responsibly allows you to do what you can to correct the situation and move on.

So how do you rid yourself of guilt? Become conscious of the difference between an authentic feeling and a conditioned response.  With awareness, you can learn how to sense the sticky lost-lose energy of guilt and say goodbye to it.

Once you recognize guilt, you want to move out of guilt as soon as possible and find ways to win. Look for ways to move forward. One of the best ways to feel better is to forgive yourself or others. Cease the judgment that you or anyone else is wrong.  Once you do this, you will be able to let go and feel your authentic emotions and feelings so you heal your heart.

Be aware that making anyone else “wrong” has the same effect as making you wrong. How you relate to others is how you relate to yourself. This means if you make someone else wrong, you are making yourself wrong. This is why you feel so miserable.

You will feel relief from guilt the moment you stop judging anyone as wrong. Forgiveness is really nothing more than giving up your own judgment.

Say goodbye to guilt and say hello to feelings, healing and a more loving future.

Doris Jeanette, Psy.D is author of “Opening the Heart,” an emotional healing guide highly praised by the late Elisabeth Kubler-Ross M.D and the CD “Eliminate Judgment and Guilt.” Doris is a licensed psychologist with 33 years of experience healing broken hearts.  She is founder of www.drjeanette.com; radio host of Live at the Edge at new voices.com and her popular, free weekly newsletter “The Vibrant Moment” has inspired thousands for six years. If you’re interested in a free teleseminar about guilt, visit http://www.drjeanette.com/guiltarticle.html.

Tags: grief, guilt, hope