The Comforter Needs Comfort

(This was written to?Ann who wrote about losing three children)??

Hello I hope this finds you doing better today. I myself have lost a child I lost my only child to at birth. Although I was not able to enjoy my child and his life my life is completely gone. All I ever wanted in life was a family. When I got pregnat with Korey I could not belive that it was actually happen. Then when he died Most of me died right along with him. I am sooooo angry and I do not know how to get past it. It has gotten so bad that my whole family says that I am angry all the time. I really do not mean to be like that but I do not know how to move on with my life. Maybe you and I can help each other cope.

Dear Tisha,
Thank you for reaching out to help Anne. Helping others is one of the surest ways to lessen your own grief and begin the healing process.? We are going to post your letter on the blog together with our response so other women who have lost a baby at birth can find comfort in knowing that they are not alone.
We are so very sorry for your loss. Although you do not say how long it has been since your baby died, we know that there is no time limit on grief and grieving, and we suggest you find a Compassionate Friends Group in your area. For more information go to http://www.compassionatefriends.org/? You can find a local group as well as many valuable resources to help you along the way. Each member has experienced the death of a child and each has survived and grieved in his or her own way. With this group you do not have to walk this path alone.
You also might find it helpful to listen on Thursday mornings to the radio show Healing the Grieving Heart ?You can find information about it and a link to it on the first page of http://www.thegriefblog.com? You might also find a number of past shows that can give you help and comfort at http://thegriefblog.com/grief-grieving-death-of-a-child/
We encourage you to continue reaching out to others as you reached out to Ann.? You might also find it helpful to find a professional grief counselor in your area to help you through the anger and help you move on with your life.
Blessings,
Drs. Gloria and Heidi Horsley

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Comment 7/28/07

Tisha,
My heart aches for you. I certainly understand what you are saying. One of the things that concerned me was that I wasn?t myself. Besides longing for my son, I longed to feel like me again.

I am not a counselor, so I can only share my point of view as another grieving mother. I am not sure how long it has been since the death of your son. I will assume it has not been very long.

Your job right now is to grieve. I found it helped me when I learned to do so freely and to accept the feelings for that moment. It seems to take more energy to fight them.

I heard someone say, ?God is big enough to handle our feelings about Him?. I think He understands our hearts.

Even though I doubted it would ever happen, the deep pain and anguish has gotten better. I will forever miss my son, but I am learning to live the life I have instead of the live I had planned.

Gentle Hugs,
Debra

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  • Brittany says:

    I am very sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter to an illness as well. My daughter, Paisley Jane, had Spina Bifida. We knew that she was going to need a lot of care when I was about 19 weeks pregnant. I did everything that the doctors wanted. Drove 2.5 hrs every week to a Children’s Hospital in West Virginia. When she was born October 15, 2007 – she was and always will be the most beautiful being that I have ever seen. I got to see my daughter later that day. I had a C-Section and they told me I had to stay in bed. I managed to get into the wheelchair with the help of my husband. And when we got to her room, I pull my self up and out of the chair and touched her in her warmer. Lots of wires, and IVs. I was scared. Then I asked the doctor a question, and he laughed at me. Now how is a mother supposed to feel. I have no clue what’s going on, I don’t understand. I just want to hold me daughter in my arms and rock her. So I talked to her neurosurgeon and had her moved from the NICU to the PICU. I felt as though she would be helped much more over there. My daughter had her first spinal surgery when she was only 2 days old. It went fantastic. She did great. So they tried to take her off of the breathing tube, and she had what they call “Stryder”. Basic trouble breathing because her vocal cords were not moving. She stopped breathing, they did what they had to do and they brought her back to her Daddy and me. I was never so scared. Then a week later after poking and sticking my daughter with anything and everything they decided to do MRIs and CT scans. That concluded that she needed another surgery, to fix her Chiari 2 Malformation, at only 10 days old. During that surgery the doctor had his staff call repeatedly just to let me know that she was during wonderful. Then, I got a phone call from the doctor himself. Telling me that “PJ” went into cardiac arrest. I hit the floor. My husband is repeatedly asking me, WHAT WHAT. I was speechless. When went over to the hospital and and they told us to wait in the waiting room. I said that I just got a phone call stating that my daughter just had a heart attack, I want to sit in her room and wait. 15 minutes went by and I walked out to the nurses station and I said could you call and make sure that she is fine? The charge nurse then said, the doctor will be up in a minute. I had a feeling but I didn’t want to believe it. I waited, saw his shoes come to the door, and he softly say, ” We lost PJ”. I went crazy I screamed, cried, and most of all I just didn’t believe it. I said I want to see my daughter. We called our parents to come down. I couldn’t tell my mother. I told my dad an he told her. They drove the 2 hr trip in about 45 minutes. When they brought my daughter in the room, I nearly fainted. We left the room for a few minutes while they stamped her hands and feet. I wanted to dress her and put her diaper on. Me and my husband. I held her and held her and rocked her back and forth. Wrapped her in the afgan that my mother made for her with her name “PAISLEY” stiched across it. So pale and angelic like in my arms. She will always be her mommy’s princess and her daddy’s baby girl. The day before her funeral I was talking with a friend and she said to me, don’t worry, you’ll have another. HOW DARE SHE!!! I hadn’t even told my little baby good-bye. Why do people do things and say things that are just so completely inappropriate. Unless they have lost a child, THEY WILL NEVER KNOW what it is like. How to feel numb, and lost, and don’t have one thought in your mind. Don’t eat, sleep all day, won’t take calls. Some people just don’t get it.