The Importance of Older Women After Mother-Loss

Volunteering at a hospital adorns me with friends whose ages span from 70 to 6. It’s actually quite enlightening. Occasionally a child needs looking after while a parent attends to adult things, and I have the privilege of listening to a first-grader read to me. Having friends who are older is especially important since my mother and I never had the chance to talk about life the way I would have liked. How we spoke when I was 19 is vastly different from how we would speak today.

For that reason, I make it a point to nurture and cherish the blips of time I share with women who are senior to me. So the other day I was visiting with one of my 70-plus friends to practice my French. Somehow we started talking about the passing of her husband and she shared a beautifully romantic excerpt of that story with me.

Toward the end of his life, her husband said, “I’m exhausted. I’m going.” She responded acrimoniously, “Wait a minute, you’re not going anywhere. We haven’t discussed how you want to have your funeral. How I am supposed to take care of everything? I don’t know how you want everything to go!”

They never did talk about it. Two days later, he passed away and she had the unpleasant job of going to the funeral home to make arrangements. When she got there, she learned that her husband had gone in three months earlier and taken care of everything. He knew that she was going to be stressed, upset, sad, distraught, and he didn’t want her to have to take on one more thing.

This relatively small action is none other than a labor of love. And that is the kind of lesson I would love to have learned from my mother. Even though friendships with mother figures in no way make up for her absence, they do enrich my role as a student of life. And while there is nothing binding people who have experienced loss together, there is an opportunity extended to all of us to appreciate and respect life’s magnificence.

Lauren Muscarella 2011

Lauren Muscarella

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Lauren started the blog Mama Quest (http://mamaquest.org) in May 2010 to share stories of her journey through loss after losing her mother in 2006 at age 20. The blog also serves as an outlet to pass on wisdom she received from her mother, who died of breast cancer at 52. After an overwhelmingly positive response to the blog, she launched Trauma to Art (http://trauma2art.com), a movement to support and facilitate creative expression from those who have experienced loss. Now Lauren works to build the Trauma to Art community while writing a book of creative arts therapy activities for confronting grief as well as preserving the memory of lost loved ones. In her spare time, Lauren enjoys volunteering, traveling, wine tasting, and learning to speak French.

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  • Lauren Muscarella says:

    Melloney, thank you so much for your comment. 🙂

    Much love,
    Lauren

  • Melanie says:

    Such a nice story

  • Chelsea says:

    Thank you for writing about mother-loss. I don’t see a lot of people writing about this, so I appreciate it. I also loss my mother at a young age (28), and now I am 43. The things that only mothers understand or can do for you, is what I miss most. Thank you!

  • Lauren Muscarella says:

    Chelsea,

    Thank you for the love. No need to thank me, I feel honored to be able to write about a topic as awesome as motherly love.

    Much love,
    Lauren