When someone we love dies, most of us always wish for two things: one, that the death never happened, that our loved one had never gotten sick and died, or never gotten into an accident and died, and two, if we could just have one more day with them, one more day to say the things we didn’t get to say or to hear them say to us, to feel their arms around us one more time, to say or hear the words I love you or good bye or whatever words we long for still.

This holiday season or whenever the time feels right for you, I would invite you to complete these sentences. You may decide to do them all in one day or you may decide to do one a day or one a week, whatever seems right for you. Then I would encourage you to accept and believe totally that you have said them and heard them and your loved one has said them and heard them.

Forgive yourself and your loved one if you feel there is any need of forgiveness and believe that they have given and received it as well. Let your heart then begin to fill those now empty spaces once occupied by pain and regret, with peace and with love. Do this for yourself and for your loved one. It will be the best gift you can give and the best gift you can receive.

Dear _______,

If I had one more day with you; I would want you to tell me about the time when…. 

I would want to know more about…. 

I would want to spend it with you at…. 

The thing I would most want to tell you would be…. 

The thing I’d most want you to do would be…. 

I’d ask you to forgive me for…. 

I’d tell you I forgave you for…. 

I would believe you when you said….

You would believe me when I said….

The memory I’d want to relive with you most would be…. 

I’d tell you that what I missed most about you was…. 

I would let you know that I was going to be okay by telling you that…. 

I would honor your memory by …. 

Though our loved ones have died the love we share remains.

Deb Kosmer 2011

Deb Kosmer

Deb has worked at Affinity Visiting Nurses Hospice for ten years, the first two as a hospice social worker and the last eight as Bereavement Support Coordinator supporting families before and after the death of their loved ones. She provides supportive counseling, developed and facilitates a variety of grief support groups, including a well-attended group for men only as well as other educational events. Deb received her Bachelor’s degree in Social Work from UW-Oshkosh and her Master’s degree in Social Work from UW Milwaukee. She received her certification in Thanatology through ADEC. Her writing has appeared in New Leaf Magazine, We Need Not Walk Alone, Living with Loss, Grief Digest, numerous hospice publications and EAP publications. Some of her poetry on death and dying will be included in a college textbook for social workers in end of life soon. New Leaf has also used some of her poetry for a line of sympathy and anniversary of death cards. On a personal level, Deb's 14-year-old son died after being struck by a car. Her 31-year-old sister had died in a car accident eight months earlier, and her 56-year-old father died from a heart attack exactly three years before. These three unexpected deaths within three years started Deb on a journey she never wanted to be on and she learned first-hand the importance of having the help and support of others. In the years since, she has experienced other losses, the most recent being the unexpected death of her 44-year-old step-daughter who died from complications three months after routine surgery. Deb's passions are writing, reading, education, nature, and family. She is currently working on a book of her grief poetry. She recently moved with her husband to Waypost Camp, Hatley WI. Her husband accepted a job there as Property Manager and his position allows them to live on-site with acres of woods and a lake. She anticipates the quiet beauty to be a strong catalyst for writing.

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