There is one thing that I am vehement about, and that is I do not want to become a bitter old woman. I see so many widows who become bitter and lonely. They seem to succumb to their loneliness, and lose their zest for living. I can see how easy it would be to become bitter, but I have vowed that I will not.
Is this something that is easier to say than to do? I don’t think that it is. I know for certain that you have to maintain your sense of humor. I know for certain that you have to keep your love of life alive. I know for certain that you have to find your passion, and pursue it with a vengeance. I know for certain that you can’t let life pass you by. I know for certain that you can’t give up on your dreams.
These are the things that I know for certain, and I am hopeful that these will keep me from becoming a bitter old woman.
When you have seen death, it changes the way that you view life. Little inconsequential things that were important before are no longer important. Events or people that would have been upsetting are no longer upsetting. You now know how your life can change in an instant, and you strive to make every day count. You begin to search for your mission in life – at least I did. I searched and found that being a spiritual writer was what I was meant to do – it was my mission in life.
I decided that I would fulfill that mission. Certainly, that would keep me from becoming a bitter old woman who turned her anger into bitterness. Maybe what I have on my side is that I never was angry. Many people believe that anger is one of the stages of grief. I can honestly say that I never felt angry.
My daughter who was extremely close to her father, and who was by his side with me when he died, was very angry. She was so angry at him for dying. I never could understand how she could be so very angry. She was angry that he left her. She was angry that he wouldn’t be there for many of the important things in her life, like graduating from high school, attending college, and eventually getting married.
I did feel hurt because he never said good-bye to me. I like to think that he understood that he didn’t say it because it wasn’t good-bye. I also know that it was too difficult for him to do. I know I couldn’t say good-bye either
I haven’t felt anger. After all, how could I be angry with the man that I loved so very much? How could I be angry with the man that I shared my life with? How could I be angry with the man that I still held in my heart?
After all, we are all going to die one day. They were just the first to return home; they are leading the way to our new existence in the light and love of God. As I look back, I think that feeling anger towards the one we love is merely our earthly existence reacting to our soul’s separation from them.
As I sit writing this, I salute the man who occupies my heart, the man whom I cannot be angry with, the man who is leading the way to the light…to the home we will all return to. I salute the man whom I vow to that I will not become a bitter old woman – I know that he would not of wanted me to become that.
I have promised him that I will write of my journey alone, I will write of our love, and I will pursue my passion with a vengeance. I vow to make him proud of me and the love that we continue to share.
Paula Ezop 2011