Founded by a military widow after her husband died in a plane crash, the nonprofit organization Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS) assists bereaved military families. TAPS has assisted more than 50,000 people since 1994. More than 80 percent of the families coming to TAPS for care and support experienced traumatic losses when their loved ones died in combat, in aviation incidents, in training accidents, in vehicle accidents, by suicide, by homicide, by terrorist act, or by some other unanticipated means. It takes on average 5-7 years for people grieving a traumatic loss to reach a “new normal.” TAPS offers the following tips to help grieving families:

Realize that it is common to have physical and emotional reactions to a traumatic loss. Your body and emotions are reacting to an abnormal event. Grief, headaches, sleeplessness, heart palpitations, tightness in your chest, startling, shock, sadness, anger, disbelief, short term memory loss, feelings of helplessness or panic, depression, anxiety, hyper-vigilance, or other issues are common. See a medical provider if you feel you need assistance.

Turn off the news some of the time, if you can. Prolonged exposure to news reporting about the traumatic event can be detrimental for those who loved the people who died. If you need to get ongoing information, ask a family friend to keep you informed, or set a time of day when you will “check” on the news (so there are periods of time when you are not watching the news). Try to avoid watching 24/7 news coverage related to your loved one’s death.

Ask for help from family and friends. Contact friends and relatives. Ask them to help you make phone calls, make travel arrangements, care for other family members (such as young children), or complete other tasks while you are in the process of searching for information about your loved one, making funeral arrangements, etc.

If you are asked to comment by the media, consider carefully how to respond. In a high profile incident, any information in the public domain or on social networking websites, may be used by the news media. You can choose what level of access you want to give the news media. Your choice to speak or not to speak with reporters can impact what is said and written about your loved one. Make decisions as a family about what information to share and photos to release. Realize that what you share now, may be printed and repeated for years to come. It may be best to select one person to share information on behalf of your family.

Reach out to people you trust for care and support. Try to spend time with family and friends that you trust in a private place. If your loved one died in an event that took the lives of others, you may find it helpful to connect with other bereaved families from the same event. Your faith community may be a source of support for you.

Try to sleep. Sleeplessness is a common problem among the recently bereaved. Even if you feel you cannot sleep, it is important to try to rest.

Pay special attention to the needs of children and teens. Young people are particularly vulnerable following a traumatic event. Try to maintain routines for children, offer support and understanding, and pay attention to their needs.

Don’t feel like you have to “be strong” all the time. Feeling sad or frightened is normal. Crying does not mean you are weak or losing it. Talking about your feelings may help. You do not need to protect your relatives or friends by putting on a brave front. Showing your feelings may help others and you.

Respect individual expressions of grief. Some people may not cry openly, but will feel pain as deeply as others. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Within your family or circle of friends, allow each other the space and grace to express your grief as needed.

Do what helps you. Physical activities can help you. Try going for a walk or getting some exercise.

Consider writing in a journal, or write a note to your loved one who died. Writing down your feelings can help you to better understand the event and begin to come to terms with the loss of a loved one.

If you are comfortable doing so, participate in rituals related to the death of your loved one. Attend the funeral, memorial service, or interment, write a note to your loved one, or place an object near the grave site or interment location.

Avoid making major life decisions for at least 6-12 months after the death of your loved one. While many things have to be done in the immediate days after a person has died, try to delay making major decisions about your home, your job or your finances after a traumatic event.

Seek ways to honor your loved one. In lieu of funeral flowers, ask for donations to go to a particular charity that addresses an issue their loved one cared about. The helplessness and lack of control felt in the face of a trauma may cause feelings of guilt and hopelessness. Finding things that you can control, like your ability to help others, may help ease feelings of guilt.

Locate resources to assist you. There may be resources available to assist you through your workplace, the American Red Cross, or other sources. Bereavement counseling may be available through hospice, faith communities, grief centers, private therapists, or the Vet Centers (for families grieving active duty military casualties).

About TAPS: The Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS) is the national organization providing compassionate care for the families of America’s fallen military heroes and has offered support to more than 50,000 surviving family members of our fallen military and their caregivers since 1994. TAPS provides peer-based emotional support, grief and trauma resources, grief seminars and retreats for adults, Good Grief Camps for children, case work assistance, connections to community-based care, online and in-person support groups and a 24/7 resource and information helpline for all who have been affected by a death in the Armed Forces. Services are provided free of charge. For more information go to www.taps.org or call the toll-free TAPS resource and information helpline at 1.800.959.TAPS (8277).

The post Tips for Coping with Traumatic Loss appeared first on Open to Hope.

The anniversary also poses an emotional challenge for the families of those with loved ones who died in the Global War on Terror in Iraq or Afghanistan, many of whom enlisted in the military, in part, due to the 9/11 attacks.

TAPS, the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors, offers the following tips for those seeking to express sympathy and support to those who are grieving:

Realize that grief is long-term and life-altering. The impact of the traumatic death of a loved one is significant and long-lasting. It takes on average 5-7 years for survivors who have experienced the traumatic death of a loved one to reach their new normal. Even after reaching that “normal,” life is not the same for those left behind. Family dynamics are altered, and survivors may have changed too.

Know that grief is not something people get over. Rather, it is something we learn to live with. After a period of mourning, many learn to live again and find joy again in their lives, but they will always carry the loss with them.

Respect their privacy. While some welcome public attention and want their loved one’s name remembered and spoken often in public forums and venues, others choose a more private path. Many families of those who died at the Pentagon on 9/11 and in the Global War on Terror, experienced significant media attention at the time of their loved ones’ deaths and in the immediate days following. Ask survivors if they are comfortable with others knowing about their survivor status before sharing it.

Be understanding. The anniversary of a death is often significant for survivors, even if it falls a decade later. Realize that these may be sensitive days for survivors left behind. If you personally know someone who is impacted, continue to maintain contact and regular activities with them. But understand if they need a break or space.

Send a card. A card can express your thoughtful concern and be an important reminder to a grieving family of your care and support.

Simply express your condolences. If you talk with a family member, say you are sorry for their loss, or say you want to offer your condolences. That’s enough. Avoid saying things like “I understand exactly how you feel,” or “It was his (or her) time,” or “He (or she) wouldn’t want for you to be sad.”

Show your support. Support programs that provide long-term bereavement help to families of our fallen. Bereavement support can be vital in the months and years to come as families work toward this new normal. Donate or volunteer with TAPS through 800.959.TAPS (8277) or www.taps.org.

Express your gratitude. To show you care for the families of our fallen and the families they have left behind, you can write a note, share a photo thank you, or post a video thank you, at the Give a Thousand Thanks website. The website is located at www.GiveAThousandThanks.org. Participation is free and open to the public. Many survivors have told us they have visited the website and found support in looking at the messages.

Ami Neiberger-Miller

The post How to Support 9/11 Families appeared first on Open to Hope.

Reaching out to express condolences is a natural and heartfelt reaction to tragedy.  TAPS, the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors, offers the following tips for those seeking to express sympathy and support to the families of those who died recently in Afghanistan:

Be understanding. The surviving families are in tremendous shock in the immediate days and weeks following the death of their loved one. Understand that families may need to be focused on making important decisions about funerals, memorial services, benefits, and a host of details. The family may not be able to respond to you right away or express their appreciation for your thoughtfulness.

Respect their privacy. Grieving families who have experienced the traumatic death of a loved one may especially need their family and close friends around them. Please allow them the privacy and space they need to get through what are going to be difficult days.

Think beyond flowers and food. Often bereaved families will be overwhelmed by gifts of food and flowers.  Consider making a contribution to a charity or memorial fund in honor of their loved one. Often families will specify a charity or organization that their loved one was involved with or supported, and find this type of donation particularly touching.

Send a card. A card can express your sympathies and be an important reminder to a grieving family of your care and concern.

Simply express your condolences. If you talk with a family member, say you are sorry for their loss, or say you want to offer your condolences. That’s enough. Avoid saying things like “I understand exactly how you feel,” or “It was his (or her) time,” or “He (or she) wouldn’t want for you to be sad.”

Show your support. In many communities, a procession is held when a fallen service member’s remains are brought home. Consider standing near the processional route to show your support for the family. Bring an American flag, carry a sign that expresses your feelings and stand in respect to honor the sacrifice their loved one has made for our nation.

Attend a memorial service. If a memorial or funeral service is open to the public, consider attending. Your presence can be a valuable support to the family, which appreciates knowing that their loved one is being remembered by many. Some families may need to observe their funeral ceremonies in private. If that is the case, please respect their wishes and be with them in your thoughts and prayers.

Offer skills or services to help the family. If you are a business person who can offer an in-kind donation to help the family that will help during the funeral or memorial, such as limousine services, public relations assistance, or event management aid, consider donating your time and services.

Support programs that provide long-term bereavement help to families of our fallen military. It takes on average 5-7 years for people to reach a new normal following the traumatic death of a close loved one. Bereavement support can be vital in the months and years to come as families work toward this new normal. Donate or volunteer with TAPS through 800.959.TAPS (8277) or www.taps.org.

Ami Neiberger-Miller 2011

The post Supporting Military Families After Combat Death appeared first on Open to Hope.

Be understanding. The surviving families are in tremendous shock in the immediate days and weeks following the death of their loved one. Understand that families may need to be focused on making important decisions about funerals, memorial services, benefits, and a host of details. The family may not be able to respond to you right away or express their appreciation for your thoughtfulness.

Respect their privacy. Grieving families who have experienced the traumatic death of a loved one may need their family and close friends around them. Please allow them the privacy and space they need to get through what are going to be difficult days.

Think beyond flowers and food. Often bereaved families will be overwhelmed by gifts of food and flowers.  Consider making a contribution to a charity or memorial fund in honor of their loved one. Often families will specify a charity or organization that their loved one was involved with or supported, and find this type of donation particularly touching.

Send a card. A card can express your sympathies and be an important reminder to a grieving family of your care and concern.

Simply express your condolences. If you talk with a family member, say you are sorry for their loss, or say you want to offer your condolences. That’s enough. Avoid saying things like “I understand exactly how you feel,” or “It was his (or her) time,” or “He (or she) wouldn’t want for you to be sad.”

Show your support. In many communities, a procession is held when a fallen service member’s remains are brought home. Consider standing near the processional route to show your support for the family. Bring an American flag, carry a sign that expresses your feelings, and stand in respect to honor the sacrifice their loved one has made for our nation.

Attend a memorial service. If a memorial or funeral service is open to the public, consider attending. Your presence can be a valuable support to the family, which appreciates knowing that their loved one is being remembered by many. Some families may need to observe their funeral ceremonies in private. If that is the case, please respect their wishes and be with them in your thoughts and prayers.

Offer skills or services to help the family. If you are a business person who can offer an in-kind donation to help the family that will help during the funeral process, such as limousine services, public relations assistance, or event management aid, consider donating your time and services.

The post How to Support Families Grieving After Fort Hood Tragedy appeared first on Open to Hope.

To help brothers and sisters cope, the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors, TAPS held its first weekend retreat for siblings in 2008. The retreat was modeled after the organization’s regional seminars, which help surviving family members process their grief reactions, develop coping skills, and establish support networks.

“Siblings often experience what is known as disenfranchised grief,” said Stephanie Frogge, director of peer support programs for TAPS. “Everyone asks how their parents are doing, but no one asks how they are coping with their loss. This heightens their feelings of isolation and grief.”

Peer support programs, like the one TAPS provides, often play a critical role in healing from the traumatic loss of a loved one. Jenny Claiborn, 24, of Wister, Okla., told a reporter from the San Antonio Express-News that she struggled to grieve after her brother, Buddy Hughie, died in Afghanistan. “As soon as I got home, the questions I got were, are they (her parents) OK? Are you making sure they’re eating? I answered the phones. I arranged the funeral. I don’t feel I ever had time to sit down and grieve the way I should have.”

All of the retreat’s attendees lost a brother or sister in Iraq or Afghanistan, and are part of the TAPS Sibling Support Network, a virtual online support community. Membership in the network has swelled, doubling in size from 45 members in August to more than 90 by February 2008. In April 2009, the network had 140+ members. Participants share their feelings and concerns through a confidential email listserve and participate in monthly chat room dialogues on the TAPS website at www.taps.org.

About a third of the network’s members attended the 2008 retreat. For many, it was their first opportunity to meet face-to-face with people they have interacted with online.

Those still fresh in their grief and loss, turned to others for advice. Casey Umbrell, 24, of Savannah, Ga., lost her brother, Colby Umbrell, in 2007 and saw her fiancé deployed to Iraq only a week after Colby’s death.

She told the San Antonio News-Express that talking with other brothers and sisters through the network and at the retreat is helping her cope. She noted that you never “get over it” and said, “It doesn’t get easier, it gets different.”

Debra Shirley, 38, of Mount Sterling, Ohio, lost her brother Nathan Shirley twelve years ago in a helicopter crash has a more long term view. “It never goes away but you do incorporate it into your daily living. It’s like a scar – not readily apparent to others but you’re aware of it. As I get older Nathan’s death means different things to me. He and I were going to help my parents make decisions when they got older and now it’s just me.”

Membership in the TAPS sibling support network is free and designed for individuals who have lost a brother or sister serving in the Armed Forces. To sign-up go to the TAPS website at www.taps.org or call 800.959.TAPS (8277). A second retreat is planned for September 2009.

“How grief is experienced is mirrored by the relationships affected,” said Bonnie Carroll, who founded TAPS in 1994 with other surviving military families, following a National Guard plane crash that took the lives of 8 soldiers, including her husband, Brigadier General Tom Carroll. “If you are a big brother and you lose your younger sibling, your identity is impacted. Your parents are now grieving the loss of a child and that also affects family relationships. There is a caring community within TAPS to help siblings.”

The post Siblings of Military Casualties Offered Help appeared first on Open to Hope.

To help brothers and sisters cope, the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors, TAPS held its first weekend retreat for siblings in 2008. The retreat was modeled after the organization’s regional seminars, which help surviving family members process their grief reactions, develop coping skills, and establish support networks.

“Siblings often experience what is known as disenfranchised grief,” said Stephanie Frogge, director of peer support programs for TAPS. “Everyone asks how their parents are doing, but no one asks how they are coping with their loss. This heightens their feelings of isolation and grief.”

Peer support programs, like the one TAPS provides, often play a critical role in healing from the traumatic loss of a loved one. Jenny Claiborn, 24, of Wister, Okla., told a reporter from the San Antonio Express-News that she struggled to grieve after her brother, Buddy Hughie, died in Afghanistan. “As soon as I got home, the questions I got were, are they (her parents) OK? Are you making sure they’re eating? I answered the phones. I arranged the funeral. I don’t feel I ever had time to sit down and grieve the way I should have.”

All of the retreat’s attendees lost a brother or sister in Iraq or Afghanistan, and are part of the TAPS Sibling Support Network, a virtual online support community. Membership in the network has swelled, doubling in size from 45 members in August to more than 90 by February 2008. In April 2009, the network had 140+ members. Participants share their feelings and concerns through a confidential email listserve and participate in monthly chat room dialogues on the TAPS website at www.taps.org.

About a third of the network’s members attended the 2008 retreat. For many, it was their first opportunity to meet face-to-face with people they have interacted with online.

Those still fresh in their grief and loss, turned to others for advice. Casey Umbrell, 24, of Savannah, Ga., lost her brother, Colby Umbrell, in 2007 and saw her fiancé deployed to Iraq only a week after Colby’s death.

She told the San Antonio News-Express that talking with other brothers and sisters through the network and at the retreat is helping her cope. She noted that you never “get over it” and said, “It doesn’t get easier, it gets different.”

Debra Shirley, 38, of Mount Sterling, Ohio, lost her brother Nathan Shirley twelve years ago in a helicopter crash has a more long term view. “It never goes away but you do incorporate it into your daily living. It’s like a scar – not readily apparent to others but you’re aware of it. As I get older Nathan’s death means different things to me. He and I were going to help my parents make decisions when they got older and now it’s just me.”

Membership in the TAPS sibling support network is free and designed for individuals who have lost a brother or sister serving in the Armed Forces. To sign-up go to the TAPS website at www.taps.org or call 800.959.TAPS (8277). A second retreat is planned for September 2009.

“How grief is experienced is mirrored by the relationships affected,” said Bonnie Carroll, who founded TAPS in 1994 with other surviving military families, following a National Guard plane crash that took the lives of 8 soldiers, including her husband, Brigadier General Tom Carroll. “If you are a big brother and you lose your younger sibling, your identity is impacted. Your parents are now grieving the loss of a child and that also affects family relationships. There is a caring community within TAPS to help siblings.”

Headquartered in Washington, DC, TAPS is a national Veterans Service Organization providing compassionate care for the families of America’s fallen military heroes. TAPS provides peer-based emotional support, grief and trauma resources, seminars, case work assistance, and 24/7 crisis intervention care for all who have been affected by a death in the Armed Forces. Services are provided free of charge. For more information go to www.taps.org or call the toll-free crisis line at 800.959.TAPS.

The post Memorial Day: When You Lose a Sibling in War appeared first on Open to Hope.

The Department of Veterans Affairs offers bereavement counseling to parents, siblings, spouses, and children of Armed Forces personnel who died in service to our country, including family members of Reservists and National Guard service members who died while serving on federally activated duty.

The VA’s bereavement counseling is provided by the VA Vet Center program, which operates a system of 232 community-based counseling centers. These Vet Centers are staffed by multi-disciplinary teams of dedicated providers, many of whom are combat veterans themselves. There is no cost for VA bereavement counseling.

To find out more, visit the Vet Centers website, call your local Vet Center, or contact the Readjustment Counseling Service at 202.273.9116. The staff will assist family members with contacting their local Vet Center. Often counseling is available in the family’s hometown or where the family member feels more comfortable.

The post Vet Centers Offer Grief Counseling for Military Survivors appeared first on Open to Hope.

As a seasoned public relations professional with more than a decade of experience, I am no stranger to this type of intense scrutiny from the media. I have faced attack ads and rallied supporters for threatened programs. After Hurricane Katrina, I handled an avalanche of media attention at the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children for the largest missing child recovery effort in our nation’s history.

But in August of 2007 it wasn’t my client facing the media maelstrom. It was my family. I was on vacation at the beach when I received the devastating news that my 22-year-old brother, U.S. Army Specialist Christopher Neiberger, had been killed in Iraq. As we drove to my parent’s home in Florida, a decade of media relations training kicked into auto-pilot in my grief-numbed brain, and we began to talk as a family about what approach to take.

My parents decided that talking with the media about Chris’s life was okay, so we opted to speak with reporters, but with clearly defined limits. My brothers and I told stories about Chris to our hometown paper. Per mother’s orders, no on-camera TV interviews were done those first few weeks. The TV station made do with our minister, scouting buddies, and a phone interview with me.

Some of the out-of-town media behaved like attack dogs. Satellite TV trucks stalked Neibergers statewide – my aunts, uncles, and cousins – even lying to them. These reporters were ignored. Our hometown media helped distribute information about the memorial fund we’d set up, which allowed the community to participate in grieving a boy who grew up among them and became a hero.

Reporters thanked us for allowing access during this stressful and horrible time – and the resulting accounts told the story of the brother I knew. I believe our openness contributed to our hometown media downplaying (and ignoring) the presence of the Westboro Baptist Church protestors, who gathered outside the memorial service.

A few months after Christopher’s death, I wrote a guide to help military families facing tragedy and dealing with a flurry of media attention. It’s available in the Resources section on my website. Several casualty officers have contacted me about the guide, saying they find it helpful and are using it with recently bereaved families who are experiencing a media onslaught.

Now I work with TAPS as the public affairs officer, and I talk with many surviving families about their experiences with the media, and about opportunities to share their stories in the press. Here are a few tips for surviving families on talking with the media:

How you interact with the media, is always up to you. It is ok if your family does not want to talk to the media now, tomorrow, or ever. Don’t feel like you have to talk to the media, simply because other families have done so.

Weigh each request for an interview individually. Consider the proposed story idea and the attitude of the reporter who called. Was the reporter respectful? Lackadaisical? Did he or she sound empathetic and sincere? Think about how you feel about doing an interview in the time frame proposed.

Know who you are talking to. Look at the media outlet’s website and see what kinds of stories they’ve done. Often the outlet will have a biography online about the reporter, and you can see other stories they’ve produced or written. You can ask to see questions before an interview and discuss the angle.

Consider your family before agreeing to an interview. Think about the impact of media coverage. This is particularly important for families with children, and families that have experienced the pain of suicide. How will your family feel about seeing this story on television or in their newspaper?

Always exercise caution with requests from the media to talk with children. For some children, talking about their Dad is healing and a way to honor them. For others, a media interview adds to their trauma. A parent, guardian, or trained grief professional, should be present if a child is being interviewed by a reporter.

Direct the interview where you want it to go. For many families, talking to the media is a way to honor their loved one and the remarkable life lived. It can be helpful to write up ahead of time key points you want to make, to review important dates in your loved one’s life, and to consider which photos to share.

The interview will go better if the reporter is sensitive to the family. At TAPS, we recommend that before reporters talk to family members, they review the tip sheets and self-study materials published by the Dart Center for Journalism and Trauma (www.dartcenter.org). These guidelines offer advice to reporters on how to talk with trauma survivors.

Get tips on how to do a media interview if you are anxious. It’s normal to be concerned about how you might appear, especially if the interview is on-camera. I’m glad to send you my tip sheet on how to prepare for an interview. Just drop an email with “Media Interview Tips” in the subject line to ami@taps.org.

Realize that most reporters are not out to get you. Most reporters will focus their stories around your loved one, your memories, and how your family is doing now. Many will be genuinely sympathetic to your family and will want to produce a story one that pleases you. More than 95% of the reporters we deal with through TAPS are empathetic to the family, and try very hard to tell the family’s story. The other 5% we don’t allow to talk to families!

Consider how you will handle questions about war and politics if they come up. Many families have differences of opinion about politics, so this can be a minefield. Personally, I find it best to keep interviews centered on my brother’s life and his love for the military. If you don’t want to say anything, you should never say “no comment.” Another option: “I think the real point that I am trying to make is that my loved one cared deeply about his career in the military.”

Previously agreeing to an interview, does not mean perpetually agreeing to talk to the media. The nature of traumatic grief is such that a person who is capable of being interviewed one day, may not be comfortable with an interview the next day. It is okay to back out of an interview if you are not up to it or have second thoughts.

Do what feels comfortable, when it comes to deciding on an interview location. For elderly parents or a widow with children, there are sometimes safety concerns about the media filming the outside of their home, which might reveal where they live or expose them to unwanted attention or crime. You don’t have to agree to an interview in your home. You can do it somewhere else, in-studio at the station, or at a public park.

Use caution when approached for a book or film project that is not done by a reputable news outlet, as well as any free-lance writers who do not have in-hand an assignment letter from a reputable magazine. There are folks who want to write books, publish stories, and make movies about surviving families. Sometimes these people are visionaries who do amazing things. Sometimes they have pipedreams and no training or experience in writing or filmmaking. Sometimes they are voyeuristic, and occasionally they are exploitative. Use caution before agreeing to cooperate with a lone ranger.

Never assume that your Facebook/MySpace/Blog or anything else you put online is out of the public eye. Unfortunately, whatever is posted on those sites is in a public domain. If you don’t want a picture to be on TV, do not put it on your Facebook profile.

Select the family photos you want to share, and then stick to a set package. Many families do not want their entire family photo album scattered across the Internet. Select a few photos that you like and are willing to share, and provide the same set every time you talk to the media.

Any photos taken by a media outlet are copyrighted by that media outlet. You can ask to get copies of the photos and footage. Many media outlets will give this to you for free. Some charge families for copies of photographs. These photos are often sold online through photo databases. You can talk with the media ahead of time about what will happen to the photos, and how the rights for the photos will be managed.

While working with the media may be challenging at times, it can also help us honor the people we love and miss so very much. There’s a reason why people have jobs like mine – it’s not always easy to work with the media. There are a lot of things about it that can’t be predicted or controlled. Even so, remember that when asked to talk with the press, it is always your choice.

Ami Neiberger-Miller is accredited in public relations and works part-time as the public affairs officer for TAPS, in addition to owning a thriving public relations and design practice near Washington, DC.

The post Dealing with Media Attention After a Loved One Dies appeared first on Open to Hope.

“The holiday season can be particularly challenging for families who are grieving the recent loss of a loved one,” said Bonnie Carroll, the founder and chairman of the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors, TAPS. “We offer tips to help surviving military families, and they are applicable to anyone who is grieving.”

For more than a decade, TAPS has helped surviving families of those who have died in military service. Carroll and TAPS offer the following tips to help anyone who is grieving during the holiday season.

Take charge of your holiday season. Anticipating the holiday, especially if it’s the first one without a cherished family member, can be worse than the actual holiday. Taking charge of your holiday plans, and mapping out how you will spend that time, can help relieve anxiety.

Make plans. Plan to spend the holidays where you feel nurtured, emotionally safe, and comfortable. An escape plan may be difficult to carry out, because American holidays are celebrated in many places world-wide, and there often is no way to escape all of the reminders of the holidays.

Find sustenance for the soul. Your church, synagogue, mosque, or other faith community may offer services, resources, and support networks to help. You may want to look for a support group for people who are grieving and have suffered a similar loss. Families who have lost a loved one serving in the military may find comfort by connecting with other survivors through our online community, online peer support groups, or care groups.

Don’t be afraid to change your holiday traditions. Some traditions may be a comfort, while others might cause pain. Consider which traditions to keep, and which ones to forego this year. Do not feel like you have to do something because you have always done it that way.

Include your lost loved one in gift-giving. Consider making a donation to a charity in memory of your loved one. Give a gift on behalf of your loved one to someone else.

Create a tribute. Light a candle, display a favorite photograph, or set a place at the dinner table to represent the missing loved one. Consider writing a letter to your loved one about the holidays and your special memories with that person.

Be gentle with yourself. Realize that familiar traditions, sights, smells, and even tastes, may be comforting, or may jolt your emotions. This is the time of year when you need to be careful with your emotions and listen to yourself.

Attend holiday functions if you can. Consider attending holiday parties and events, especially if you’ll be able to spend time with supportive family members and friends. Make an escape plan in case the event is more than you can handle, and trust your hosts to understand if you need to slip out. If you think a holiday gathering might be more than you can handle, it is ok to stay home.

Don’t pretend you haven’t experienced a loss. Imagining that nothing has happened does not make the pain of losing a loved one go away, nor does it make the holidays easier to endure. Even though holiday memories may be painful, they can also be comforting. It is ok to talk with others about what you have lost, and what the holidays mean to you.

Pay attention to your health. It’s often difficult for people who have experienced a recent loss to sleep. Make sure you get regular rest and drink lots of water. Do not over-indulge in sweets or alcohol. If you feel overwhelmed, talk with your medical care provider.

Take stock of both joy and sadness. Give yourself permission to feel joy as well as sadness. Don’t feel like you have to “be a certain way” because of your loss. Just be yourself.

Express your feelings. Bottling up your feelings may add to distress, not lessen it. To express your feelings, use your creativity to write a poem, talk with a supportive friend, create a painting, or pen a journal entry.

Share your holiday season with someone else. There are many lonely people who might like to experience the holiday season with someone else. Consider volunteering with a local charity or soup kitchen, inviting a neighbor for a special holiday meal, or including others in your holiday activities.

For more tips on dealing with grief during the holidays, go to the TAPS website at www.taps.org.

TAPS is the national organization providing compassionate care for the families of America’s fallen military heroes. TAPS provides peer-based emotional support, grief and trauma resources, seminars for adults, Good Grief Camps for children, case work assistance, and 24/7 crisis intervention care for all who have been affected by the death of a loved one serving in the Armed Forces. Services are provided free of charge. For more information go to www.taps.org or call the toll-free crisis line at 800.959.TAPS.

The post Dealing With Grief Over the Holidays: Practical Tips to Help appeared first on Open to Hope.

“The holiday season can be particularly difficult for families with bereaved children because children carry their own expectations about the holidays, as well as their own grief over the loss,” said Bonnie Carroll, the founder and chairman of the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors, TAPS. “The holiday season can be a painful time for a bereaved child, but it can also be an opportunity to honor and remember the person who died and the legacy that special person left for that child.”

For more than a decade, TAPS has helped surviving families of those who have died in military service, including Good Grief Camps attended by thousands of children and teens. TAPS and Carroll offer the following tips to help families supporting a bereaved child over the holidays:

Talk with your child about the holiday season. Anticipating the holiday, especially if it’s the first holiday without a family member, can be worse than the actual holiday. Talk with your child about their feelings and expectations for the holiday season. Discuss the activities your child would like to participate in or attend.

Even if your child does not talk about the loss often with you, do not expect for your child to be “over it.” Children grieve on their own timeline and differently from adults. Significant milestones, such as the first holiday after the loss, may cause the child’s feelings about the loss to re-surface, even if the child has not talked about the loss for a long time.

Make holiday plans that help your child feel nurtured, emotionally safe, and comfortable. Review your plans for the holidays with your child. Spend the holidays where you and your child feel supported, nurtured, and comfortable.

Encourage your child to attend holiday functions. Consider attending holiday parties and activities, especially if you and your child will be able to spend time with supportive family members and friends. Make an escape plan in case the event is more than you or your child can handle, and trust your hosts to understand if you need to slip out.

Laughter, play and joy are good for your child. Children do not grieve continuously and they need to take breaks from grieving. Encourage your child to play, run, and do recreational activities he or she would normally do. Clowning around and laughing (which releases endorphins into the brain) are good for children.

Be observant about your child’s emotions. Realize that familiar traditions, sights, smells, and even tastes, may be comforting to your child, or may jolt emotions for a bereaved child. Watch how your child responds to events and be ready to be supportive and to comfort your child.

Comfort items that remind the child of the loved one may help. Allowing your child to sleep in a favorite shirt that belonged to the person who died may offer comfort. Letting your child carry a special item that reminds him or her of the person who died may help the child feel connected with the person who died. Placing a special photograph of the child with the person who died or a holiday celebration in years past, may help the child.

Pay attention to your child’s health. It’s often difficult for adults and children alike who have experienced a recent loss to sleep. Make sure your child gets regular rest, eats well, and drink lots of water. Holiday treats are ok, but in moderation. Bedwetting, acting out, and nightmares may be symptoms of a child that is struggling. Talk with your medical care provider if you become concerned about your child’s health.

Don’t pretend your family has not experienced a loss. Let your child know that you also miss the person who died. Tell your child that you don’t like that things can’t be exactly like they were before the person died, and that you love your child. Children may need to hear this in order to feel it is permissible to discuss their own feelings.

Find sustenance for the soul. Your church, synagogue, mosque, or another faith community may offer services, resources and support networks to help you and your child through the holiday season.

Talk with your child about holiday traditions and how they will be observed this year. Some children insist that holiday customs remain exactly the same. Discuss with your child why he or she wants to hold onto a particular tradition or custom. Do not feel that you must do something because you have always done it that way, but consider your child’s feelings when making a change. Talk with your child about any changes before they occur.

Stick to daily routines when possible. The holidays tend to cause a lot of upheaval in schedules and routines. The friends your child plays with may go out of town. Daily schedules your child is accustomed to change when schools close for the holidays. Try to keep your child on a regular bedtime routine and talk with your child about any schedule changes.

Allow your child to remember a lost loved one through a tribute. Light a candle together at dinner time to remember the person who died. Make a wreath with pictures and items that represent the things the lost loved one cared about and place it at the gravesite for the loved one. Hang an ornament on the tree that reminds the child of the loved one. Help your child offer a blessing at a holiday meal that honors the person who died. Create a picture or collage with your child, display a favorite photograph in your home, or let your child help you set a place at the dinner table to represent the loved one who died.

Help your child write a letter to the person who died that honors the legacy that person gave the child. Help your child write a letter to the person they love who died thanking him or her for the gifts the person gave to the child, the special things they would do together, and expressing how the child feels about the person. Some children may want to mail their letter to the person, take the letter to the cemetery, or “send it to heaven” on a helium-filled balloon.

Honor the lost loved one through a gift. Encourage your child to draw pictures or create gifts for others that are inspired by the memories of the person who died. Help your child make a donation to a charity or cause the loved one cared about. Consider volunteering as a family at the charity.

Use family connections to help your child. Connections with other family members can help your child feel comforted, loved, and safe. These family connections can also help you as a parent cope with the holidays. Encourage your child to build ties with other family members, but you may need to remain nearby to reassure your child with your presence.

For more tips on dealing with grief during the holidays, go to the TAPS website at www.taps.org.

Provided by TAPS, the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors. TAPS is the national organization providing compassionate care for the families of America’s fallen military heroes. TAPS provides peer-based emotional support, grief and trauma resources, seminars for adults, Good Grief Camps for children, case work assistance, and 24/7 crisis intervention care for all who have been affected by the death of a loved one serving in the Armed Forces. Services are provided free of charge. For more information go to www.taps.org or call the toll-free crisis line at 800.959.TAPS.

The post Supporting Children Dealing with Grief During the Holidays: Tips to Help appeared first on Open to Hope.

Response from Ami Neiberger-Miller of TAPS (who is also Military Loss editor for Open to Hope):
I am so sorry for the loss of your son, and that now, you are dealing with post traumatic stress disorder. If left untreated, the PTSD may get worse. Your family doctor may be able to suggest a counselor or therapist who can help, and help you explore other options besides medication. We have heard of innovative therapies involving counseling, tai chi, art, and yoga. I would also suggest contacting the local Vet Center and making an appointment to speak with a counselor. If you go to www.va.gov and then click on locations, you can find a location near you with contact information.

Many veterans with PTSD tell us that they are troubled by memories of seeing a buddy die. There is a special peer-based emotional program for veterans called the TAPS Battle Buddies program. Offered by the Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors (TAPS), this is a peer support program designed to help military service personnel who are grieving the death of a comrade-in-arms. More information is available on the TAPS website at http://www.taps.org/survivors.aspx?id=1076 or by contacting battlebuddies@taps.org.

If your spouse is a veteran who served in Iraq or Afghanistan and is currently going through the disability evaluation system or processing a VA claim, free legal help is available from www.LawyersServingWarriors.org. The percentage rating assigned to a veteran going through this system determines the level of benefits that they and their family receive for life. Having the advice of an attorney trained in veterans benefits while going through the disability and claims process can help you think about long-term needs and focus on a recovery from PTSD.

The post Mother Seeking Help for Military Son With PTSD appeared first on Open to Hope.

Holiday cheer and merrymaking may be everywhere this time of year, but for thousands of Americans grieving the loss of a loved one, the holiday season can be an emotional minefield. And there’s no roadmap for easy navigation.

For more than a decade, TAPS has helped surviving families of those who have died in military service. Carroll and TAPS offer the following tips to help anyone who is grieving during the holiday season:

Take charge of your holiday season. Anticipating the holiday, especially if it’s the first one without a cherished family member, can be worse than the actual holiday. Taking charge of your holiday plans, and mapping out how you will spend that time, can help relieve anxiety.

Make plans. Plan to spend the holidays where you feel nurtured, emotionally safe, and comfortable. An escape plan may be difficult to carry out, because American holidays are celebrated in many places world-wide, and there often is no way to escape all of the reminders of the holidays.

Find sustenance for the soul. Your church, synagogue, mosque, or other
faith community may offer services, resources, and support networks to help. You may want to look for a support group for people who are grieving and have suffered a similar loss. Families who have lost a loved one serving in the military may find comfort by connecting with other survivors through our online community, online peer support groups, or care groups.

Don’t be afraid to change your holiday traditions. Some traditions may
be a comfort, while others might cause pain. Consider which traditions to keep, and which ones to forego this year. Do not feel like you have to do something because you have always done it that way.

Include your lost loved one in gift-giving. Consider making a donation
to a charity in memory of your loved one. Give a gift on behalf of your loved one to someone else.

Create a tribute. Light a candle, display a favorite photograph, or set a place at the dinner table to represent the missing loved one. Consider writing a letter to your loved one about the holidays and your special memories with that person.

Be gentle with yourself. Realize that familiar traditions, sights, smells, and even tastes, may be comforting, or may jolt your emotions. This is the time of year when you need to be careful with your emotions and listen to yourself.

Attend holiday functions if you can. Consider attending holiday parties
and events, especially if you’ll be able to spend time with supportive
family members and friends. Make an escape plan in case the event is more than you can handle, and trust your hosts to understand if you need to slip out. If you think a holiday gathering might be more than you can handle, it is ok to stay home.

Don’t pretend you haven’t experienced a loss. Imagining that nothing has
happened does not make the pain of losing a loved one go away, nor does it make the holidays easier to endure. Even though holiday memories may be painful, they can also be comforting. It is ok to talk with others about what you have lost, and what the holidays mean to you.

Pay attention to your health. It’s often difficult for people who have experienced a recent loss to sleep. Make sure you get regular rest and drink lots of water. Do not over-indulge in sweets or alcohol. If you feel overwhelmed, talk with your medical care provider.

Take stock of both joy and sadness. Give yourself permission to feel joy as well as sadness. Don’t feel like you have to “be a certain way” because of your loss. Just be yourself.

Express your feelings. Bottling up your feelings may add to distress, not lessen it. To express your feelings, use your creativity to write a poem, talk with a supportive friend, create a painting, or pen a journal entry.

Share your holiday season with someone else. There are many lonely
people who might like to experience the holiday season with someone else. Consider volunteering with a local charity or soup kitchen, inviting a neighbor for a special holiday meal, or including others in your holiday activities.

Ami Neiberger-Miller is Public Affairs Officer for TAPS, the national organization providing compassionate care for the families of America’s fallen military heroes. Reach her at ami@taps.org. For more tips on dealing with grief during the holidays, go to the TAPS website at www.taps.org.

The post Military Group Knows a Lot About Healthy Grieving appeared first on Open to Hope.