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Telling a Child about a Death

Posted on December 29, 2013 - by Elizabeth Wagele

Asking “what if” is helpful when it includes thinking things through in order to be prepared. One example is: “What if my child needs to be told some difficult news? How can I best handle the situation?” It helps to deliver bad news slowly and sensitively. Children appreciate adults being honest with them. When you withhold from them, they feel rejected. When Marvin was eleven, his sister suddenly wasn’t there. No one in his family said anything about what had happened to her. He started to have terrible nightmares about her, trouble sleeping, and barely made it through school. When […]

Good Grief, It’s Christmas

Posted on December 25, 2013 - by Rich Guy Miller

I am troubled by the many people I know who are suffering today, Christmas Day. Many are grieving recent deaths. Others are grieving deaths that get revisited every Christmas. Almost a week ago, my friend Martha posted on Facebook something to the effect that “Holidays may be nice for other people, but not for me. This is probably the worst holiday season of my entire life.” She suffered the recent loss of her father and was also dealing with other job related losses. Her comment reminded me of a neighbor (I will call her “K”) whom I was checking in […]

Our First Christmas Without Clint

Posted on December 24, 2013 - by Debra Reagan

My life is divided into before and after, so each holiday or special event that happens my mind rushes back to compare the before and the after. Before Clint’s death, we had the traditional Christmas celebrations. After his death, it was too painful to think of having a Christmas without him. I tried for the sake of others in the family. When I opened the box of Christmas decorations, my heart sank to the lowest depths possible. We all have certain things that hit us the most; for me in the early times it was the Christmas stocking. Stockings had […]

10 Ways to Help a Family with a Loss During Holidays

Posted on December 23, 2013 - by Kay Lewis

During the holidays, one of the most difficult events that can happen is when someone passes away. What do you say to or do for the family without adding to the holiday dark cloud? 1. Strictly avoid a holiday “tie in.” In other words, don’t link the death with the holiday by saying something like, “It is awful that it happened right before (Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, New Years, Valentines, birthdays, etc.).” Put yourself in their shoes. Every time you hear the tie-in, it deepens the sorrow and is a set-up for future years. 2. Avoid “I’m so sorry for your […]

Death Cafés: Comfortable Places to Talk about Death

Posted on December 22, 2013 - by Elizabeth Wagele

Death as a topic for discussion has appeared on the front pages of The Los Angeles Times, “Passing Thoughts at L.A.’s first Death Café,” and the New York Times in recent months. Both articles were on the international Death Café movement, where people get together to exchange their various ideas about death. Many of the participants feel more comfortable talking about death after attending the meetings. Not only that, but when they talk about it, death seems less frightening. With less fear of death, people can hopefully focus on living their lives more fully. Paula Span’s article in the NY […]

The Irony and Inconsistency of Grief

Posted on December 21, 2013 - by Charles W. Sidoti

This article was written by Rabbi Akiva Feinstein and Charles W. Sidoti. Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart. Don’t scratch for answers that cannot be given now. The point is to try to live everything. Live the questions for now. Perhaps then, someday far into the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer. – Rainer Maria Rilke When life turns difficult, a common way of trying to get around the pain is to try to think our way out of the situation. The problem with this is that it assumes the process […]

How Can You Bring Holiday Cheer to a Loved One in Intensive Care?

Posted on December 19, 2013 - by Harriet Hodgson

They arrive one-by-one — bouquets, potted plants, green boughs, and more, lined up like a florist’s parade. But none of these plants make it to patients’ rooms. Plants are not allowed in the Intensive Care Unit (ICU). Your loved one may be the hospital ICU now. In late October my husband’s aorta dissected and he has been in the hospital ever since, almost two months, most of this time in the ICU. He had three emergency operations, one life-threatening surgery, and four wound-cleaning surgeries, or as doctors call it, “procedures.” Worse, it doesn’t look like my husband will be dismissed […]

Lessons About Human Nature and Grief From My Work With Chemically Dependent Individuals

Posted on December 18, 2013 - by David Roberts

I am thankful for the brilliant teachings contained in “The Afterlife of Billy Fingers” by Annie Kagan. For me, Billy’s teachings are not just about life, death and the afterlife; they are about recognizing that every life has value, regardless of what is seen on the surface. With that being said, I am dedicating this piece to all of the chemically dependent individuals whose stories touched my life during my human services career and helped me to develop rich insights about grief and loss. The Truth Behind The Cover There is a tried and tested truth that reads: “You can’t […]

Keeping Traditions Helps Us to Keep Hope

Posted on December 18, 2013 - by Harriet Hodgson

My husband has been hospitalized for weeks, most of this time in intensive care. I visit him three times a day, an erratic schedule that doesn’t leave much time for Christmas shopping or baking. “I don’t care if we have a Christmas tree or not,” I announced to my granddaughter. “Putting it up is work and taking it down is work.” A frown and look of disappointment appeared on my granddaughter’s face. Clearly, she didn’t agree with my decision about the tree. “Don’t worry, Grandma,” she answered. “I’ll put it up.” Minutes later, her twin brother climbed the ladder and […]

How Do I Handle the Family of My Former Spouse?

Posted on December 17, 2013 - by Melinda Richarz Lyons

When I lost my husband, I didn’t realize how deeply that would affect other relationships—particular with his family. When ties are broken by death, relationships with former family members often change. Of course remarrying completely shifts things, but even if you don’t remarry, your relationships are usually different after the loss of your spouse. You will always have that bond of shared memories with your husband’s mother, sister or brother, for example. But their perspective naturally, is different from yours—depending on the relationship. Also, each person involved handles grief individually, and heals at a different pace and in different ways. Any […]