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The Magic of a Child’s Grief

Posted on May 14, 2024 - by Anne Abel

Son’s Grief Opens a Door I got a belated birthday card from my mother for my 41st birthday. “To Our Wonderful Daughter,” was scripted on the front, in gold, above a bouquet of pastel flowers. Inside, on the right page, in the same Hallmark font: “Another year of the one-and-only you.”  On the left, was my mother’s black-scripted message: “Anne, I was only 22 when you were born. I didn’t want to have you, I had other things I wanted to do. But, here you are. Love, Mom”. My mother had been waging guerilla warfare on me my whole life. […]

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Finding Meaning in Violent Loss

Posted on May 13, 2024 - by Brooke Carlock

Finding Meaning in Violent Loss When I hear about “finding meaning” in grief, I feel a knee-jerk reaction to snap back with a salty, “What possible meaning can come from the violent death of a beautiful, sweet, healthy ten-year-old girl?” What I want to assure you of is this: I am in no way suggesting that the death of your loved one had a point. Had a deeper purpose. Meaning. I don’t believe that. I believe that the death of your loved one sucks. Really, really sucks. However, I ALSO believe that your world has changed and is never going […]

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Toxic Positivity in Grief

Posted on May 13, 2024 - by Brooke Carlock

Toxic Positivity in Grief When I first started devouring information about the grieving process after Libby died, I remember immediately being turned off by the overly negative messaging on social media and in some books about grief. People who were YEARS and YEARS out from losing their loved ones were still crying daily, unable to function. In one particular Facebook group, a member mentioned that she had lost her thirty-seven-year-old son TWENTY-TWO years earlier and still cried every day. And there she was, still in a social media grief group, complaining about her life. It was the most fucking depressing […]

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Are You Sabotaging Your Grief Journey?

Posted on May 13, 2024 - by Brooke Carlock

Are You Sabotaging Your Grief Journey? This article is going to require you to be a little bit brutal with yourself. The goal of the telling the truth principle is to create a baseline so that you know where you are starting and can decide how to move forward with your grief. Of course, you want to feel better. However, I’m not going to lie–you might be holding your own growth hostage. There are four ways you might be sabotaging yourself. It’s your job to read the descriptions, reflect on your thoughts, emotions, and behavior, and be honest if any […]

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Grief Guilt

Posted on May 13, 2024 - by Brooke Carlock

Grief Guilt is about Loss of Control Guilt is, in my humble opinion, one of the most prevalent emotions during grief, and one that many grievers seem to come back to again and again. Feelings of guilt stem from an overwhelming desire to be in control of something that’s uncontrollable. Your mind isn’t yet ready to accept that your loss is real; it tries to push off the overwhelming sadness that’s coming by longing for things that can’t be changed. Some people stay stuck feeling guilt for a long time, spiraling downward into a sea of “What ifs” and “I […]

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Creating a Loss History

Posted on May 13, 2024 - by Brooke Carlock

Creating a Loss History The first place we need to start is the past. We’re going way back—as far back as you can remember—and dredging up any experiences that may have helped shape your awareness of grief. “But Brooke, whyyyyyyyyy would you want me to dig up all of the depressing things in my life when I’m already feeling depressed?” you might ask. Well, because I like to torture you, of course. Seriously, though, the reason is that our earlier experiences with loss shape the way we currently process it. You learned things from significant events in your life. Perhaps […]

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People Will Say Stupid Stuff

Posted on May 13, 2024 - by Brooke Carlock

People Will Say Stupid Stuff When it comes to insensitive comments, you will be on the receiving end of a ton of them. Yes, people will say stupid stuff. It’s important to keep in mind that it’s usually not the offending person’s fault—grief is an awkward topic for most people, and they struggle for the right words of comfort. Most people just grasp at straws and then fall back on common platitudes. Here are some platitudes that I personally heard. Religious People Will Say Stupid Stuff “God needed another angel in Heaven,” “God called her home,” and “God only takes […]

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Practicing Gratitude in Grief

Posted on May 13, 2024 - by Brooke Carlock

Practicing Gratitude in Grief OK, OK. Before you throw lasagna in my face, let me just assure you that this section is not going to be full of toxic positivity and the rah-rah crap that makes grieving people want to vomit. What I am going to do is share how I, personally, have employed gratitude practices throughout my grief journey to help me feel just a little bit lighter, a little more hopeful, and a little less griefy. (Is that a word?) It turns out that practicing gratitude is scientifically proven to help shift our vibes in a more positive […]

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Create Meaning Through Ritual

Posted on May 13, 2024 - by Brooke Carlock

Create Meaning Through Ritual Creating traditions, rituals, and ceremonies that celebrate your person is the shit. Seriously. It’s the opposite of the get-over-it and move-on mentality. Instead, by celebrating the existence of the person we lost and including details of their personality and passions in traditions that honor their legacy, we create meaning that makes us feel whole again. I mean, if your person is anything like my daughter, they’re fucking amazing and deserve to be celebrated! Remembering what made my daughter special fills the void created by her absence. Whether it’s lighting a candle during holidays, visiting a grave […]

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Childhood Pet’s Violent Death Still Haunts

Posted on May 6, 2024 - by Anne Abel

Childhood Pet was a Gift My father worked in a lab at MIT next door to an animal experimentation lab. The summer I was seven, he surprised us with a beagle puppy that the lab didn’t need anymore. He was so cute and cuddly. “Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini” was a song I heard all the time on the radio at our neighbors’ house. I immediately named the puppy Teenie. I loved this little dog. He was perfect. I would nestle beside him on the living room rug, rubbing his warm belly and pat- ting his soft […]

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