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What is Disenfranchised Grief?

Posted on May 8, 2009 - by Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburn

When I was 14, my brother and only sibling, Ted, died. One of my more memorable experiences from that time is of standing next to his grave, watching, devastated, as they lowered his casket into the ground. A woman separated herself from the crowd, leaned down, took me by the arm, and leaned in, close enough so that I could see the lipstick on her teeth and smell her perfume. “You’ll have to be very good now,” she said, somberly. “Your parents are going through a lot.” I wrote about that scene in my book–apologies to those of you who […]

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What a Coincidence!

Posted on May 8, 2009 - by Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburn

Yesterday I posted on a new study that looked at the impact of losing an infant sibling when you were very young, or even before you were born. I commented that, though understudied, the stories I’d heard from people suggested that this was a huge—huge!—life event. Then last night, my friend (and one of Open to Hope’s founders), psychologist Heidi Horsley, PsyD, who also lost a sibling, and who now specializes in grief, called my attention to a really spectacular essay by Michael S. Roth, president of Wesleyan University, in The Wall Street Journal. Roth was asked to write a […]

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The Impact of Losing an Infant Sibling

Posted on May 8, 2009 - by Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburn

When I was working on my book, I interviewed a couple of people who either lost siblings very early in that sibling’s life, i.e. in infancy (and were thus very young themselves) or who were born after the death of an infant sibling. I didn’t have enough people to make a huge case, but it was very clear to me that these were very significant losses. Sadly, however, because these people had been so young at the time, or were born after the death, few had ever acknowledged them as “real” mourners. Result: Disenfranchised grief. They were often confused about […]

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Surviving Children, Husband Save Mother’s Day After Son Dies

Posted on May 8, 2009 - by Claire Perkins

Mother’s Day 2004 came six days after my oldest son Cameron died. We had not even had the funeral yet, as the circumstances of his death required an autopsy by the county coroner’s office and his body had not yet been released. The meaning of the day, the meaning of what it meant to be a mother, had changed for me utterly and completely. Being a mother now included the incomprehensible truth of outliving a child. It included the feeling of a heart so shattered that I doubted it could ever be whole again. It included the knowledge that no […]

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The First Mother’s Day After Maddy’s Death

Posted on May 8, 2009 - by Lisa Buell

By Lisa Buell — I got a truck full of manure delivered to me the first Mother’s Day after my daughter Madison died. I had been sleeping in, hoping the day would turn to night before I had to come out of my room. The vibration of the truck shook the old single pane windows of my home and saved me from another morning of sleep without rest. I threw on my robe and made my way out the door just in time to see the load of turds falling on top of themselves in my driveway. “Sorry, I knocked […]

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Celebrating Mother’s Day When Mom’s Gone, Turn Bitter Into Sweet

Posted on May 7, 2009 - by Carol O'Dell

Mother’s Day can be bitter-sweet if your mom’s no longer here. It’s so hard to say the word, “dead,” and in many ways, our loved ones live on–in thoughts, in stories, in how they continue to impact our lives. For many, Mother’s Day can be so painful that we do all we can to avoid it. That avoidance is part of grief, and it’s necessary for a while. Grief is like a good soldier, but there comes a time when you say “Thank you, you’ve served me well,” and you let that soldier be released from duty. After my mother died from Alzheimer’s and […]

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An Egg Today? Or a Hen Tomorrow? Our Choices in Grief

Posted on May 7, 2009 - by Beverly Chantalle McManus

I’m a big believer in fortune cookies.   In fact, I’ve long thought that if read very loudly — so that everyone else in the restaurant can hear — the fortunes will come true!   I don’t know if there is any way to scientifically prove my theory, but I do like to test it each time we go out for Chinese food.   I loudly read the last fortune cookie I opened; however, it offered more of what I’d consider a proverb than an actual fortune:   “It is better to have a hen tomorrow than an egg today.” […]

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Best Years With Mom Came Later

Posted on May 7, 2009 - by Lizzy Miles

By Elizabeth Miles — At 17, when I was told by my Uncle Paul that I was “just like my mother,” I cringed.  Why would I want to be like her?  At that time my mother was down on herself.  She would spend days without leaving the house or even the couch.  She wanted to have a job or be involved in clubs or charities but she didn’t know how, and she would always procrastinate getting started. Why would I want to be like that? But my uncle wasn’t talking about that side of her.  He hadn’t seen her in […]

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Bereaved Mother Seeks to Become Grief Counselor

Posted on May 6, 2009 - by Gloria Horsley

Betty writes in: I am 50 years old and lost my only child to suicide 10 years ago. I need to help others to make myself feel better; this is what I want to do. How do you become a grief counselor? Dr. Gloria Horsley, founder of the Open to Hope Foundation, replies: Hi Betty: It is good that you are thinking about how you can make meaning from your loss. Let me first say that losing your only child to suicide has set you on a path and a journey that few will ever follow.  You are a survivor, […]

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Mother Remembers Son and his Firebird

Posted on May 6, 2009 - by Anne Dionne

By Anne Dionne — It was Mother’s Day, 2001.  The boy whom I cherished the most, my son Michael, was 19 years old and slipping out of my grasp too quickly. Where was that little boy with the infectious laughter–the boy who brought so much life and fun into our family? Wasn’t it just yesterday when I took that photograph of the excited little boy all dressed up for his first day at kindergarten? I remember feeling a little resentful because I hadn’t seen Michael smile much lately. His smile was the physical attribute that could melt my heart and […]

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