Vicky Bates

After 18 years of marriage and career, we decided to adopt two babies. My oldest had many health issues which after 10 years led to a fatal anaphylactic shock. I believe that my spiritual beliefs helped me understand that the tragedies we face challenge us to confront our pain and slowly work through it. That is what I did through helping with hospice and watching the process of transition for the dying and seeing that even in the hardest times the gentle kindness of humor is a necessary tool.

Articles:

Mother’s Day Flowers Keep Showing Up

The Mother’s Day flowers still arrive every Saturday afternoon from the local florist shop. Before I had children, my mother always sent flowers to me because, she said, she wouldn’t be a mother without me. Years later, as another Mother’s Day approached, I had a baby to go with the day and planned an ocean-side stroll, followed by brunch. The temperature was around 72 degrees, the sun was shining and the birds were singing their little hearts out. We were a Hallmark card in motion. As my husband guided the stroller toward the outdoor café, our captivating Gap-attired baby began […]

We Can’t Get Through Grief with Logic

Time heals what reason cannot. — Seneca We think in terms of time and much is said about it after a loss. “He was so young to run out of time.” “Her time was up way to soon.” “He was with them such a short time.” People ask how much time does it take for the pain to be over? When will it ease? How long does it take to feel normal again? This is the thing about death, the nut of the nut, as a poet once wrote. You will never get over the loss of a child with […]

Son is Present in the Birds

My interest in animals started at an early age. My mom, having been raised on a farm, was a regular Dr. Doolittle. We always seemed to have a dog or cat, a bird and at one point even an eight-inch alligator which was sent to us from Florida. When these animals died, we had elaborate funerals and buried our birds and the alligator in a shoebox full of dried leaves and flowers surrounding them. My mom was pulled from the kitchen to stand with my brother and me as we each said something thoughtful about them. The number of tears […]

From the Fires Come Unexpected Gifts

A few years back, we had a forest fire here in the Sawtooth Mountains. The first evening, we collectively came out and stood on hillsides to watch in horror and awe as the flames engulfed the woods and the pristine scenery, never dreaming it would overpower the town in the days to come. It seemed incomprehensible. As the days went on, a multitude of states were called in to assist, tents were set up, meals prepared. For weeks, acres of trees burned up and down the mountainsides, closing in on our historic town. Finally, people were asked to take their important […]

Winter on the Wane, Spring Hope is Coming

The calendar reads early February, and the days are getting longer. At this time of year, the daylight increases by 3 minutes each twenty-four hours; that comforts me, even though it was 10 degrees this morning. That soft evening light that stretches over the river and trees by my house gives me a quiet settling, as if I was taking that first deep breath of a meditation. Grief is strange, as you know. One minute you want to hold on to the past, dwelling on every detail of your lost loved one, and then as the different seasons approach, you […]

Loss of Child Makes Mom Appreciate Life Even More

There was a study in Denmark that said people who lost children were 18% more likely to get cancer. They think it is the stress of loss. I was one of those people. Friends were shocked to hear I had breast cancer. “That poor woman, first she loses a son and now she has breast cancer.” The fact that I wasn’t upset baffled them. Once you lose a child, nothing upsets you and nothing is too monumental to overcome. This is what’s true for me…every experience in life occurs, as it should. There are no mistakes or accidents. Losing a […]

What It’s Like to Lose a Child

“Trust that you can learn from each challenge, regardless of how disturbing or painful. That is a God-given right inside of you. Invoke your right to learn from everything.” – John Morton Everyone asks what’s it like to lose a child. Disbelief How could it be? This only happens to people you don’t know who are on the 6 o’clock news at night, in some town you have never heard of, “What a shame, how tragic,” you sincerely say to yourself as you reach for your magazine or get up to start dinner wondering if you should make a salad. […]

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