Twenty Years after the Death
As bereaved parents, we need encouragement to remember and honor our children as often and as long as we wish. There is no time limit on grieving. Any time is appropriate to bring attention to the memory of a loved one.
In my initial years following the physical death of my 19-year-old daughter, Melissa, unspeakable pain overwhelmed my life. Although I functioned, heartbreak ruled my existence. Ever so slowly color began to mingle with the darkness of grief.
Now, twenty years after the death, the tapestry of my life is filled with peace, joy, love, and laughter, with the dark thread of mourning a much less prominent element but still present. My need to have my daughter remembered has never lessened, although most of those around me have long past the need to honor or remember her. So, I continue to draw attention to my precious Melissa.
For the 20th anniversary of her entrance into heaven, her father requested a graveside ceremony. Although I was delighted with the request, I confess that I was glad the idea came from someone else and not me.
Graveside Ceremony Honors Her Life
I was aware of the hidden disapproval from others who foolishly believe that healthy grief is time limited. Many people mistakenly believe that grief “should” end with closure and we “move on“. However, for those whom we deeply love, we always move with them, carrying them in our hearts. They are an inextricable part of ourselves and our lives.
For the 20th anniversary ceremony, we gathered around Melissa’s grade as a handful of friends and family with a few others joining us on zoom. Our created service consisted of prayer, reading some of Melissa’s writings, and sharing memories.
The experience was sweeter than I could have imagined. Hearing the stories from others stimulates more memories. Everyone joining us on zoom also wanted to contribute their memories of Melissa. I hope to set aside time each year to honor Melissa by such a gathering, since it comforted everyone there so much.
Twenty Years of Honoring Her
For Melissa’s 40th birthday a few months later, one of her close friends, crafted a birthday celebration with balloons, candle, and a card. We called other friends and wrote their messages to Melissa on the card. Everyone who was called expressed gratitude for being included.
How we choose to honor and remember our loved one is very individual. My hope is that everyone who longs to see their loved one again may feel free to share their stories, memories, and thoughts whenever they need to, and as often as they wish, without judgment or fear of disapproval. Continue to keep your loved ones remembered and honored as sacred and precious. Sending my peace to all of you.
Dr. Janice Bell Meisenhelder is a contributing author of Open to Hope and author of the book: Surviving the Unthinkable: The Loss of a Child.
Read more from Janice: Longing for a Child Who has Died – Open to Hope
