““ Success in marriage is more than finding the right person. It’s becoming the right person.”
Many of us had those “puppy love crushes” in our teenage years with no expectation of it leading to the altar. I purchased a cute Valentine’s Day card for a “guy” I was dating on-again, off-again. There was no intention in mind other than to get his attention with a bit of lighthearted humor. For all I knew, he could have promptly discarded the greeting card.
On the front of the valentine was a picture of a sad, droopy hound dog and the words: Be my Valentine.” Inside it read, “Or I’ll hound you until you do!” Though not the first time, I’d forgotten it and recently found it in a box of Gary’s stuff. Sometimes events in our lives happen because they were “meant to be!” Who would ever expect that a humorous valentine would lead to the altar?
I remember our Wedding Day with great clarity. I was an anxious, nervous bride, almost to the point of tears. Tears for fears of what our life would be together or were they tears of joy? I was young and unprepared, but I boldly took that first step. I remember my dad saying to me, just before we walked down the aisle, “You still have time to change your mind.” When I saw Gary waiting at the altar and put my hand in his, there wasn’t a doubt in my mind that this was the commitment I wanted, and I was making it with my whole heart. We were married for over 55 years. Of course, it wasn’t a perfect life every day or every year, but we weathered the storms of adversity together. And we had a generous share of them, without a doubt. But our marriage was blessed with many memories made.
LOVE COMES WITH A COMMITMENT
On the day that Gary died, unexpectedly and suddenly, I remember my last words to him were, based on our marriage commitment: “ You are the best thing that ever happened to me. I’m so grateful to God for helping me find you. I will always love you.” After our son’s death decades ago , I didn’t think I could bounce back again after another traumatic loss.
I recently read in a Daily Devotion Book: “ Success in marriage is more than finding the right person. It’s becoming the right person.” We come into marriage not fully knowing a person and not fully knowing about life. It takes patience, courage, and desire to keep learning and growing together. This determines what kind of a “partner” you will be.
Without ever thinking about “what kind of a spouse/partner I wanted to be, I think Gary and I worked equally together to live our lives with mutual respect, dignity, faith, loyalty, and the preservation of our initial vows.
DEATH HONORS COMMITMENTS
Another word for “commitment” is a promise. I’ve always believed that “love never dies,” but I never thought of how our bond could continue to grow after his death. When I mentally cataloged decades of challenges, cherished memories, and my loss of future dreams, I realized there was still a part of that initial commitment that extends even after death, if desired. I need not forget him. In fact, just the opposite is true. I promise to keep telling his stories (as I did with Chad all these years). I promise to adopt many of his values in the life I live. I promise to value the influence he had that made me who I am today. I promise to be grateful and blessed for his unconditional love when I took so many things he did and was for granted. I promise to honor his legacy in the pursuit of purpose and meaning. From this comes my strength and resilience.
In retrospect, sending that bold hint in a Valentine decades ago made me smile, realizing how historic it was in forging the life I was privileged to live with Gary. Never would I have dreamed it would lead us to the marriage altar.
Death resets the button on priorities. That doesn’t happen immediately, but it did as I started healing my wounded heart. The Valentine reminded me that there are even “commitments” after death, as well as those made when taking your sacred vows. Vows to Honor, Love, and Remember, being the greatest of these.
KEEPING VALENTINE’S DAY SPECIAL
I don’t let Valentine’s Day pass without remembering how it all began and being grateful we could share our lives together for decades. I continue to honor my commitment, but in a different way. Sometimes I send valentines to friends and family, grateful for their support. I might venture out and enjoy the day or have lunch with a friend and share memories. But, in the evening when I’m all alone, I always light a candle in Memory of Gary and enjoy the flowers on the table that I bought myself, typically adding the rose, just like he would have done. Our son, Chad, is also a part of those memories I cherish. Knowing the two are together smiling down on my emotional moments. This year, that silly Valentine will be the focus of my home-alone celebration. I’ll be telling myself…”I’m so glad I hounded you to be my valentine. It was the best choice I ever made!”
Nan this is so beautiful. The idea that commitment extends beyond death really resonates with the families I work with at MyFarewelling. One client told me that after her husband died she started finishing the home projects he had started, not because they needed doing but because it felt like keeping a promise. Another widow I worked with writes her husband a letter every anniversary and reads it aloud at his grave. She says it keeps their conversation going. Your line about death resetting the button on priorities is something I wish more people heard early in their grief. Thank you for sharing your story.