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Self-Punishment During Grief

Posted on September 16, 2024 - by Bob Baugher

Self-Punishment During Grief A behavior that may accompany guilt is self-punishment. This often comes from the grieving person’s need to somehow “balance the scale” of life events. When we were children, we often received some form of punishment for our misbehavior. This may be one of the ways that children form their conscience. So, even as adults, when we find ourselves in a guilt-producing situation, we may feel a need to receive punishment. We might exhibit some of the following behaviors: Saying negative things to ourselves Replaying the perceived mistake(s) Depriving ourselves of something. However, some people feel the need […]

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Measuring Your Guilt During Grief

Posted on September 13, 2024 - by Bob Baugher

Measuring Your Guilt During Grief After the death of a loved one, many of us feel guilt. Some amount of guilt is normal. But how much? Answer these questions in writing to better understand your own feelings of guilt. Frequency. Are feelings of guilt always present? If not, how many times per hour (or day) do I find myself experiencing guilt feelings? Intensity. When I experience guilt feelings, how intense is the reaction? Barely noticeable Mild Moderate Somewhat intense Very intense Severe/debilitating Duration. Once the guilt feelings arise, how long, on the average, do they tend to last? Disappear in a […]

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How to Deal with Guilt while Grieving

Posted on September 11, 2024 - by Bob Baugher

How to Deal with Guilt while Grieving If you are feeling guilt after the death of a loved one, you might try to play a small trick on your mind. Imagine that your loved one is going to visit you for 20 seconds. You will get to ask one simple question: “What do you have to say to me about the guilt that I’ve been carrying since your death?” Now, please imagine your loved one standing in front of you answering this question. Listen. What words do you hear? Write Their Response Next, take out a pen and paper and […]

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Guilt is Unique During Bereavement

Posted on September 9, 2024 - by Bob Baugher

Guilt is Unique During Bereavement During bereavement, we may feel guilty. Guilt is different from shame, embarrassment, regret or anger. Here’s how: Shame is the result of an event that brings dishonor, disgrace, or condemnation. Death may bring feelings of shame mixed with guilt. For example, a woman whose husband is shot and killed by police during his commission of a burglary may feel ashamed of the way he died and guilty that she was not aware of his illegal activity. Shame is partly based upon our perception of what others think of us. Looking back on what she felt […]

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Caring for Your Spirit after a Suicide

Posted on August 26, 2024 - by Bob Baugher

Caring for Your Spirit after a Suicide For many people, the suicide of a loved one raises agonizing spiritual or existential issues. These include many questions such as Why does suicide happen? I’ve tried to be a good person, so how could God let this happen to me? Is suicide a sin? Is my loved one in hell? What happens to a person after death? Will I ever see my loved one again? What good is my religion to me now? Who am I now? What is the purpose of my life? Why should I go on living? Suicide Challenges […]

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Feeling Guilty after a Suicide

Posted on August 26, 2024 - by Bob Baugher

Feeling Guilty after a Suicide When something goes terribly wrong, human beings have a natural and powerful need to make sense of what has happened. This usually includes a need to affix blame for the bad thing that has happened. Most people, even if they are outwardly blaming someone else for the suicide, will also be privately asking themselves. “Is this my fault? Why didn’t I see this coming? Could I have done more to prevent it?” This self-blaming is very, very common after a suicide. Later on in this book, we will discuss some reasons why people tend to […]

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Immediately After a Suicide: Three Things to Remember

Posted on August 26, 2024 - by Bob Baugher

As you begin to take in the reality of the loss of your loved one by suicide, there are three things to remember: Take Care of Yourself Right now, you may not feel like anything matters. You have been psychologically wounded by this death, and as with any injury, you will have to focus for a while on finding ways to cope with the pain and take care of yourself. No One Cannot Do This Alone You will have to find ways of surviving that work for you. They will not necessarily be the same methods of coping used by […]

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Telling Young Children of a Suicide

Posted on August 26, 2024 - by Bob Baugher

Telling Young Children of a Suicide Parents are often understandably concerned about how the harsh fact of a suicide in the family, particularly of a parent, will affect their children. They may wonder whether telling their children–particularly young children–the truth about the death will cause more harm than good. And if they do decide to tell their children the truth, they struggle to find the words to explain what they find very hard to understand themselves – “Why did this person take their life?” It is important to know something about the developmental processes that children experience as they grow […]

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Not Censoring our Grief Stories

Posted on August 26, 2024 - by Greg Adams

Not Censoring our Grief Stories I was recently in a bookstore on vacation with my wife and adult daughter. As we sat at a table drinking our afternoon pick-me-up beverages, both asked if I had seen a particular book on the shelf with books signed by the authors. I had not and went over to look. It was a grief book, not surprisingly, and I brought it back to the table for review. I liked the chapter and section titles and descriptions. I liked the people listed in the acknowledging of “grief guides.”  And I liked the title and the […]

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Grief Can Surface Any Time

Posted on August 24, 2024 - by Linda Pountney

Grief Can Surface Any Time Denial of grief is common and misunderstood. Grief can wait in the wings for a time to surface, when you are better prepared to absorb its lessons. It can be triggered by other losses. Left undone, grief can wreak havoc with your ability to enjoy life and feel positive emotions. Grief has no time frame. It can be postponed, but never put away. My identical twin sister Paula Pountney died unexpectedly as her small plane crashed into the Atlantic Ocean one Thanksgiving night. We were 21 years old. With the same genes and a shared […]

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