Mary Joye

For the past ten years I have been a private practice Licensed Mental Health Counselor. I'm a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional and a Florida Supreme Court Family Mediator. Grief resilience and trauma resolution is a large part of my practice. I was raised on the beach in Florida. My father was a psychiatrist and I worked in his office in my youth. He wanted me to follow in his footsteps. Instead, I chose to become a theatrical design major instead and graduated from the University of Florida in 1979. My first job out of college, KISS employed me as a make-up and wardrobe assistant for three years. It was quite an experience and a good background to study communications. Later in Nashville, I began songwriting, acting and performing professionally and am a member of BMI, ASCAP and a former member of the Country Music Association, Screen Actors Guild and The American Federation of Musicians. That career grew into a 20-year music ministry. I also wrote ad copy for XM radio, Texaco, The Filmhouse and currently write for two publications in Winter Haven, Florida, where I returned to take care of my ill and now deceased parents. I earned an MA in Counseling from Trevecca Nazarene University in 2000. (Photo by Daniel DeCastro)

Articles:

Grieving the Loss of a Narcissist or Sociopath

Grieving the Loss of a Narcissist As if grieving a loved one isn’t enough, it can become exponentially more complex when we lose someone in our lives that was narcissistic or sociopathic. In so many cultures we are vehemently taught not to speak ill of the dead. It is a lovely and loving custom, but what if the deceased spoke ill of you or was abusive to you in any way. Grieving the loss of a narcissist takes skill. This is a particularly difficult dynamic if the loss was a parent. You feel forced to go through the stages of […]

What to Do When the Casseroles Stop Coming: First Anniversary of the Death

First Anniversary of the Death About three weeks after a funeral, most people stop checking on you. The offerings become a smattering of well wishes and hopes you’re doing “better”. However, you might not be “better”. The anniversary of a loved one’s passing, particularly the first, sometimes is the toughest. Many books say that one year is “long enough” to grieve. One year may be enough for some, but for others, especially people with small or dysfunctional families, it may not be. If your loved one died of a violent act, the grief may last a lifetime. And no matter the […]

Wishing the Holidays Would Go Away: Tips for Coping

Holiday Pain Many people love the first crisp, nip of fall in the air. To those who are grieving, it can coldly cut deep into the spirit and re-open the wound. While children are making wishes to Santa, those that are living with the pain of loss are wishing the holidays would go away. If only wishing made it so. The moment the holiday lights come out, you may feel like you want to sit in the dark. You may not want to put out your decorations. You may not feel like lighting the candles of your faith. You may […]

When Grief Takes Your Holiday

We all know what life was like before grief set in and took over every thought. We anticipated holidays with excitement and found wonder in every moment from buying gifts, to wrapping them and watching loved ones open them, it was magic. That kind of anticipation was joyous, and we reveled in the lead-up to the holiday and looked forward to celebrating. It is a very different kind of anticipation when loved ones have passed. The holiday anticipation is not buoyant and bright, but heavy and dark. Dread sets in and decorations are not hung, feasts are not prepared, and […]

The Grieving Codependent

Codependency is a term that gets tossed around a lot but few seem to know what it really means. Even those who suffer from it can be completely unaware it’s operating in their lives. Briefly defined, it is the loss of self, while caring for others. These are the selfless members of families and society who have a tendency to give until they give out and though they appear to be able to do anything, they can’t do everything. This is particularly true when experiencing grief. A codependent is often the one who is doing all the doing for the […]

How Will I Make it Through the Holidays? Five Ways to Try

When the stores stock Halloween items on the shelves, it is reminder that the holidays are on the way. If you’re grieving, these images may further embed haunting memories. It has been almost four years since the untimely passing of my only sibling. As it happened over the holidays, this time of year is inevitably going to remind me of things I couldn’t expect. I could withdraw or retreat. You could, too. However, I’m a therapist and know that taking time off to heal is vastly different from withdrawing for long periods of time. Connectivity is essential for well-being. In […]

Look Who is Coming to Holiday Dinner! What to Do When a Parent Remarries

When holidays come, grief can go haywire. Most everyone knows that. But what do you do if you are grieving a parent and your remaining father or mother is dating or has married someone new. How do you handle those holidays? Perspective and introspection may help you understand and cope with the loss and a sudden gain of what you may think of as a “replacement”. A new love in any context, including grief, is not a replacement. The displacement that occurs after grief can be so jarring and leaves many dissociated for a long time. There is no “right” […]

Grieving in Advance

Is it possible to fully grieve in advance? Only you can truly answer that. This preceding part of the grieving process has been clinically labeled as “Anticipatory Grief”. Perhaps it isn’t as simple as it sounds. How do you anticipate what will happen to you? Some may think that if their loved one is ill a long time they have even more time “prepare”. It may be that you expect and accept the loss of a loved one. That is a form of preparation. It’s good to say goodbyes or do things that help all involved to come to grips […]

Grieving Suicide, Homicide or Traumatic Deaths: Finding Purpose in the Pain

If everyone around you does not understand why you can’t get past the past, perhaps it is because you are grieving a very complex or traumatic death. In the face of murder, suicide or untimely trauma, it feels nearly impossible to stop the intrusive thoughts. They play through your mind like a tape loop in a seemingly never-ending guilt-and-shame-provoking dialogue. Phrases like: “If I was there, this wouldn’t have happened.” “What if I just made it a point to call or care more often?” “Why didn’t I have an intervention for the drug use?” “I feel so guilty. This is […]

‘If I Had Six Months to Live’: Taking Inventory of Your Life

In one week, I attended two funerals of people who had a big influence on my life. As the veil between heaven and earth gets closer with age and time, I noticed that at these funerals, among the weeping was silence. The reverence is part of our tradition. People also come to celebrate the lives of those they have lost. The brevity of this article is not for a lack of reverence but of respect to the time we spend here with our loved ones. We are all headed in the direction of the transition from this life into whatever […]

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